And with those words, the song that can always make me cry begins. Why can’t things be easy? Why can’t people understand? I am sad. I am upset. I am crazy. I am sick. I am in love. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Driving home from Skinny’s, I was feeling sad. I just was. Mostly because David said he might call today and maybe we could hang out. Well, I knew from the get-go that he would not call, but I held on to this very small glimmering hope that maybe, just maybe, he would realize some things and want to see me. I don’t understand. I gave him everything he possibly needed. I bitched minimally. We had the best relationship I have ever been in, and the best I foresee myself in. I can’t believe I can’t have that anymore. But he loves me. I know he does. He has a hard time admitting things, and he probably is trying to repress everything, just like I try to do. However, I tend to fail and then I explode and end up crying a lot. Sometimes I like to cry. Driving home, when I was listening to our song (Brandy #14) I cried. But I liked it, I needed to do it. But as I was crying, all I could see was David sitting next to me in the car, and us both holding hands and both crying, and him telling me how he never should’ve let me go, and how much he loved me, and how proud he always was of me, and how no one ever genuinely cared for him that way I did. What did I do to have that ripped away from me? This sucks. I hate this. I want to be happy. Being with David makes me happy. He did so much for me that no one ever knew about. And of course, as soon as I got home, I had to go and pull out the box with all our pictures and all the gifts he gave me. Of course, that incited another round of crying. We were so perfect together. We are so perfect together. When will this happiness resume? Christmas? Summer? Next year? Five years from now? I can’t wait that long. I can’t even get close to anyone anymore. I don’t want to be close to anyone anymore. I want to be close to David. I want him to be in my life. I want him to love me. I want us to be the happy, loving, great and wonderful couple that we always were. I want things to be the way they used to. The laughter, the late night phone calls, the walks, the watching COPS with his parents, the dinners, the drinks, the kisses, the hugs, and everything in between. Oh why can’t it be that way?
I have to go to a wedding now. I’d rather shoot myself.