that’s like 14 years of being pregnant

GRRRRR…. I am maddened. So things in Publications were semi-ok. I need to be more creative on creating the paper, which doesn’t really work out, because I am not too creative. I did ask Jenny to help me out at times though, and she said ok. So today we sorta talked, but not really. And I guess she told Skinny about what’s happening between us, which makes me mad because like 2 days ago, she was saying how she was done with Skinny and blah blah blah. So he calls me and is like “you need to talk to jenny.” I was like “excuse me? How do you know what’s going on? I don’t even know what’s going on.” So grr. Then, surprise surprise, her and Ginny ran off to the bathroom AGAIN! It made me so fuckin mad today, I almost stopped and said something. And yet AGAIN, I was not said bye to. I had to say it first, and then I got it back, pretty bitchily. They couldn’t even turn around and say it. What the hell did I fucking do to deserve this? I’m sick of it, it’s bullshit. I am just tired of being this clueless person, who has no idea what is going on with his friends, who just has to deal with them being nasty to him. I doubt that’s what friends are supposed to do. And Ginny didn’t ask if I was going to Youth Group tonight, so I guess I’m not going unless she calls me. Though I’m sure if Jenny is going, I won’t get an invite. *sigh* Why is life so godamn hard?

I thought about David last night. Can’t say it was the best thoughts to have. It really makes me frustrated that so many things remind me of him… Here are a few:
Brandy (especially song #14)
Avril Lavigne
Phantom of the Opera
The Golden Girls
Drag shows
“Eveything’s Eventual”
My “sherpa” jacket
My jeans, polo, and collared shirt he bought me
“It’s hot up in this bitch”
“Standing Still”
Song 3 on Mates of State
Enrique Iglesias
Messy hair
Silver rings/earrings, etc..
Janet Jackson
Aalyiah (sp?)
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
That country song “and I’m thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain”
My straw necklace
Tongue rings
Hip bones
Practically everything I see/own…
*sigh* There are so many more. Why did he have to call me? I miss him….. I’m so pathetic. I was telling Emily about it today and she said I need to drop him and that he can’t just play me while he’s with Nate. Except he isn’t really playing me, because he isn’t indicating that he still cares for me. Although I’ll be the first to admit that the phone call said a lot to me. I honestly expected to never hear from him again. I doubt he even knows what he is doing. Everyone always does so much to me without even knowing it! I’ve contemplated writing him a letter to let him know how I feel. But I fear he would dismiss me as another “clint”, so to speak, and that is the last thing I want to be. I want to be remembered as a good boyfriend. Not just good.. the best. Because I was the best. Even now, I don’t think David could honestly say that someone has treated him better than I did. I was the one who drove to his house every day after school, I’m the one who always brought him flowers, I’m the one who went crazy finding stuff for his Open House the day of, I’m the one who bought him tickets to Phantom of the Opera, I’m the one who made him cards and a box, I’m the one who held him and who made everything better, I’m the one he could always turn to, I’m the one who his family loved, I’m the one who made him dinner, I’m the one who would and did drop everything for him, I’m the one who gave my all to make him happy, I’m the one who loved him…. I’m the one who will always love him………..I’m the one who hates myself for feeling this way…..this sucks..
How can it be that I still feel this way? It’s been over 3 months! I know what it is. We cannot deny what happened before he left for college. I know it wasn’t about the physical stuff, I know it wasn’t a “heat of the moment” thing. There was too much surrounding it…way too much. I could even tell that whole day that nothing had felt changed at all. And I know he didn’t want it to be changed. He kept calling me “honey” and touching my arm or back like he used to do at his house. What we have is undeniable. It’s true, it’s pure. It’s not over. It can’t be… and at the same time, it has to be. Why doesn’t this make sense? David, how do you feel? Do you love me still…?

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