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So Alone..

I feel so alone right now… I am not sure why. I have met some really fun new friends here in Redondo Beach. I’ve been keeping really busy with things, I went out all night Friday night, was busy all day Saturday except for a few hours where I took a nap and then will be busy pretty much all day Sunday.

But I still feel just so alone.

I keep killing myself, yelling at myself for not going back to Iowa sooner when things were getting worse with my grandpa. I feel like such an asshole to wait and get work done and not spend the extra money.

If only I had gone a day earlier. I could have had a day with grandpa. If only I had spent the extra $300, I could have had an hour with him… If only. I hate myself for not going. For not getting the chance to say goodbye. For not getting the chance to tell him how much I am going to miss him.

I hate that he’s gone and that he won’t be at my wedding, to meet my boyfriends. He won’t be there to tell how they shoved a camera up his dick. lol. It hurts me every time I call my grandma and he doesn’t answer the phone.

I just feel so alone…

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