August 2003 – Page 3

God Damnit!

I just had a big huge post written about how my day is going, and how sucky my life is. And then the comptuer ATE it.. .Just to show you how much more sucky my life is.

Goddamnit. I just want to go die now.

Fucking computers!

Week One… Down

Well, I was going to wait tell later this evening to write this update, but we got out of my last class an hour early, so I’m going to go ahead and write it now.

Week number one is over with. That’s right, one week ago tonight, I was saying goodbye to the boy that I loved. WE stood there on the Chapman University, in Orange California and held each other for the last time. We kissed each other goodbye for the last time, and we took the last picture of us together.

We stood there, and talked for about an hour while we waited for the cab to get there.

As the cab got there, we hugged on last time, and gave each other one last quick kiss. And with that, our relationship ended, and we were just friends.

Anyways, you all know that story of what happened.

But it’s been a week, and how am I doing?

Horrible… That’s how.

I go to bed every night and I cry because I want him to be back here. I want to lay with and hold him in my arms when I go to bed. I want to see his face again, and kiss his cheak.

I want it all to be over, college life, and everything. I don’t want to be sad.

I really hope that the next 18 weeks go by very fast. I can’t wait to see his face come walking down those stairs at the DSM airport. I really can’t.

What I really need right now is for someone to give a shit. I want someone to sit down and listen to my stories about our trip to NJ, and NY, and Orange. I want someone to sit with me and go through the pictures. And then when I start crying. I want someone to hold me, and to comfort me.

I want to feel his arms around me again, those comforting arms. Whenever he hugged me, I knew it was alright. I knew that I could cry about it, and that someone would be there to tell me that it’ll be alright. But now, I have no one.

No one wants to listen to my stories about our trip. No one wants to see the pictures.

When I got back to Work, everyone asked how my trip was. My responce was always the same… “It was good, but very emotionaly stressful.” Everyone just said, “Oh, that’s nice” and then walked off. I really wanted someone to say, “Oh, what do you mean.” So that I can tell them that I just left he most wonderfuly boyfriend in Orange, and now I’m scared. And I want him back.

Day One..

Well, it begings, my last year in College…

I’m really scared right now about it all. I don’t know though, if I’m scared just because of it, or if I’m scared because of everything that’s going on in my life… It’s all very confusing.

My classes today were good. I had one at 10, but I got that changed to 9 now, so that’s cool. It’s a weight lifting class and seems as though it’ll be pretty easy, and I’ll be able to get all buff and shit. Now I just have to actually go to it.

My second class was alright. It was with a professor that I had last semester that I really hated then. But it seems as though he’s really cleaned up his act over the summer. He seemed much more prepared for this class. There’s someone that I like in there too, so we sat next to each other and talked. Group project, hopefully I’ll have a good group.

After that I headed over to the mall and got jobs apps. I’m on a quest to find a part-time job. I really need something to keep myself busy over the weekends, and the like. I know that I don’t have enough friends to do that.

Once I was done with that, I came home and chatted with Drew a bit, and then went and cooked. By the time I got back he, was gone already, so I just watched some TV. Good times.

And that’ll be my life for the next 4 months.

And there’s only 18 more weeks to go. I’m counting down.

:'(

The Song That Crys

I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.
But the dawn is breaking, it’s early morn.
The taxi’s waiting, he’s blowing his horn,
Already I’m so lonesome I could cry.

So kiss me and smile for me,
Tell me that you’ll wait for me,
Hold me like you’ll never let me go.
‘Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll be back again –
Oh Babe, I hate to go.

There’s so many times I’ve let you down,
So many times I’ve played around,
I tell you now, they don’t mean a thing.
Every place I go, I’ll think of you,
Every song I sing, I’ll sing for you,
When I come back, I’ll wear your wedding ring.

Now the time has come to leave you,
One more time let me kiss you,
Then close your eyes, I’ll be on my way.
Dream about the days to come.
When I won’t have to leave alone,
About the times I won’t have to say …

I can?t decide how I feel. I go through these bad stages.

Like when I?m out with the girls and stuff, I feel fine, and happy and stuff, but then suddenly I have this spell of missing Chris. Sometimes I even think I?m kinda over it. Not ?over? over it, but it?s like I?ve known for so long that it was coming, that it wasn?t like it was shocking or anything. But then other times, I put in his CD and hear ?Leaving on a Jet Plane? and I just cry. I?ve talked to him a lot since he?s left. It still feels like I?m just on vacation or something, since it hasn?t even been a week yet.

But I think once like 3 or so weeks hits, I?ll be missing him pretty bad. Well, it?s not that I don?t miss him now.

I just don?t know. It would be a lot better if he was just here, or I was just there. I?m already excited to see him again?. But it isn?t for four months. I probably will see him like the 26th or 27th of December. That seems so far now.

I told him I loved him. I do love him. Judging from the reaction on his journal, it wasn?t something I should?ve said. It?s just so natural to say it.

I miss having someone to kiss, someone to hold? the other night I just cried as I tried to sleep b/c I was imagining his warm arms around me, and remembering how well our bodies fit together when we slept, and remembering how wonderful it is to make love to him, and to kiss him.

Ok time to stop, I can?t upset myself like this before classes. I think I?m gonna sit in bed for awhile, listen to Cranberries, go to bed, and wake up in Iowa.