Jan 28, 2001

ya know, usually i don’t think when i write these. i

just sit down and type what’s on my mind, just what ever my fingers say. But

yesterday, danny was reading these. and i went back and started readig some

of them. ya know i think i obses a bit much, don’t i? well i just wanted to

write this and say i’m sorry if i ever offend or scare anyone here. it’s just

what’s on my mind. danny i truly do love you, even though it’s not in a way

that most peope love, the fact i can’t see you, or have enver seen a picture

of you. but i love who you are. your voice, your personality, everything i

know so far about you. but my life is messed up i guess, i’ve been depressed

alot of my life, ya know, most of my friends from back home would know i used

to be really athletic, i was in about every sport when i was younger. but

something happened when i was 12, and just dropped everything my grades slipped,

the fun in my life, it all just left. i hate my life. Something else though.

when i was younger i used to spend most of the summer out side withouta shirt

on, no suntan lotion, i used to get really nice tans, but i haven’t had a

good tan for years now, because i rarly take my shirt off when i’m out side.

The reason is becuase i have three very large moles on my back, one of them

is three different colors. i think it might be skin cancer. and it’s not just

on my back i have oddly shaped moles all over my arms ad stuff too. they have

been there for a coupleyears now. and i’ve just never really cared what they

were. i just leave them alone, and hope to god that they aren’t cancer. i’ve

never had a doctor look at them, my PU’s have never seen them, no one knows they are there, but me. that’s why i always go swimming late at night, that’s

why i haven’t been in the mitigwa pool since the summer of ’96. I’ve never

really cared if i die from them, because my life has been nothing to me so

far. it’s been shitty, i hated my life in HS and so far i’ve hated my life

in college. although it is a bit better.

Jan 12, 2001

ahhh, insanity is setting in already, it’s umm, like

3 in the afternoon, i’ve now been up for about 12 hours. i haven’t been sleeping

well lately, i think it’s just getting used to this bed again. hmm. the repaet

rate on this keyboard isn’t fast enough, i’m going to go fix it.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,

much better. lol. well i had a nice chat with danny last night. i still think

he needs to open up to me more. but i love him. so we won’t let that get in

the way. hmm, i’m still debating on weather or not to send in that application

to philly, i think it would be really cool to work out there and i would REALLY

love to meet danny, in fact, they offered me more money to stay and work in

iowa, so now the only major reason to purse this option is to be able to see

him. but still in the back of my mind there’s just that little thing of DO

i want to meet him. i mean we get along and all and i do love him, but i HAVEN”T

even seen a picture of him yet. hmmmmmmmmm. o well i guess i’ll send it in

and shit, and just see what happens. ok on to other things, all my classes

seem like they should be pretty easy. i mean, accounting, econ, government,

visual BASIC, how simple can that shit be, just as long as i keep up with

the reading and shit, i hope it all works out that way. some of the teachers

are them foreign types and i can’t hardly understand them sometimes. o well,

i’m happy, i got my internet back today, hehe. yeah. fucking fun, i had a

shit load of songs to download off napster i had like 20 of them or so, i

got them all in under an hour, i was so happy, i was getting like 150Kbps,

hehe, it was cool. well i’m going to go off somewhere now, bubye