Category: Not Published

A letter to Const…

Dear Constantine.

I just wanted to write you this morning. I did a lot of thinking and a lot of crying last night and just wanted to follow up with you before we talk tonight. I hope that you understand how much I care for you and how much you mean to me. I hope that while you’re thinking of what you want, that you’ll go back through all the photos of us and that you’ll think of how much fun we’ve had and how close we’ve gotten over the last 8 months. I hope that you’ll think of the times in Europe when we’re just wondering around. I hope that you’ll think of the nights we spent there hanging out and drinking tea and talking and playing cards. I hope that you’ll think of that first day we met and watched the fireworks. I hope that you’ll think through all this.

I love you and every part of you. Every moment we are not together my body aches. I love it when you smile, I love it when you talk, I love your voice, I love to see your face in the morning and I love to see your face every night. I love that we can talk nerdy, but we can have fun as well. I love that you camp and are adventurous, I love your wardrobe, I love your taste in music, I love your deepness, I love that we can read books together. I love how smart you are and how much background you have. I love that you’ve been so devoted to one company. I love that you’re so talented and creative with photography. I love that you are not afraid to be WE.

I wish that I would have been telling you all these things before. I wish that I hadn’t taken advice from an asshole. I wish that I hadn’t been afraid to show you how much I really cared for you.

That first night we met, that most wonderful July 4th. I wish that we could have cuddled up more on that blanket on the beach under the stars. But I’m so happy that shortly after that we’ve had the chance to be so close and spend so much time together. I don’t want to see that end. We’ve both made mistakes over the last few weeks/months. I want to take this time to fix those mistakes and not to give up on WE.

I admit that I am jealous and I will try on that very hard, it’s hard for me to not get to see you so at all after we’ve spent so much time seeing each other every weekend and 2-3 nights a week. I admit that I am sad when you go out and have fun and I am sitting at home, but I will work on that. I feel like I am missing out on this part of your life while you are there, and that makes me sad. I want you to have fun while you are there and make those steps that you need to take so that when you come back we can be even closer and even more in love. I want you to get back to your roots of photography and find whatever else you’ve been missing while with me.

And once you find that, I don’t want you to lose that when you come back. I want to share in that part of your life. I want to see you go out and do more photography here, I want to start climbing with you. I want to share in these things with you, I want to learn and see how happy you are when you do them. I want to be happy with you. There’s nothing more in this world right now then that I want you to be happy. But I want you to be happy and be able to be WE. I want us to be happy together.

At the same time, I too have fallen away from a lot of the things that I like doing and that I used to spend a lot of time with. Programing random things, painting, doing various project, etc. While you are away I will work and am working on finding these individual things in myself again. I want you to share in these things with me too. I’d like it if you were to start biking with me. Even if it’s just a cruise up and down the beach. I’d love to share with you in painting the picture in my room. I’ve always loved photography as well and would love to learn a little bit from you. I’ll never be able to be as creative as you are, but I’d like to make my photos a little better.

I think the spark you talked about last night gets lost in every relationship. A spark of first meeting can never last, the fire eventually dies down, but as long as the coals are still glowing hot, the relationship survives. It’s the same as riding a roller coaster, the first time you have a huge spark, but by the 10th time, you just enjoy it and you become familiar with it. I think we’re at that spot in our relationship and now that you are 1,600 miles away we have to work a little harder to keep the coals burning bright. I feel that if we both work on this though, and work on the things we’ve discussed, that we can keep the fire burning and I hope that when you come back in April and when you finally return in the fall that we can have this amazing relationship and I hope that it will last for years and years.

In conclusion, I just wanted to get all this out there and say it in writing. I want you to know that I love you and that I’m terribly sorry for not expressing this earlier. I will work hard on the things we’ve discussed. I only want to be happy with you and for you to be happy.

Love,
Chris.

I’m a Jealous Asshole…

//Warning: Major drama to follow…..

Ok, so not only am I the biggest asshole in the world. I’m also a very jealous asshole. And I HATE long distance relationships.

UGH! I feel myself slipping into the shit that Andrew and I went through back in the day. UGH. The last two nights Const has gone out with friends. One night just to coffee and then a movie, and then last night to some bar. I get very very jealous and annoyed. I hate this feeling and I know I shouldn’t be. But I am and I do.

Then to top it all off today, his phone is broken and I have not talked to him since 5pm yesterday. So I am getting VERY very annoyed and pissed and of course my mind always goes to. “Oh my god he’s out fucking someone” or “oh my god, he’s going to call and break up with me”…. Mostly that’s because it’s what happened with the last long distance relationship.

We got into a huge fight yesterday about a lot of stupid annoying shit that bugs me. I know I am completely at fault for it all. A) because I don’t bring them up when they first bug me and B) because then I dwell on them and make the issue way bigger then it really is.

Today it’s really annoying me that he never left a message on AIM or has tried contacting me at all in any way. Again it’s all because I’m insecure and worry that something bad is happening and that I can’t get it out of my mind and every minute, every second that goes by without hearing from him makes me even more crazy! I’ve probably called him a hundred times today and it always just goes straight to voice mail. I know his phone is broken! But anything, any sort of communication would have helped. A message on AIM, a txt message, borrowing a friends phone to call me.

I _HATE_ this feeling and I hate being this way. Like I told him yesterday, he’s the best boyfriend I’ve had so far, and lets be hopeful that I’ll ever have, but I still can’t help but feel this way. I _KNOW_ that ultimately he’s probably just out with friends again, maybe at a movie, buying a new phone, who knows. But that NOT knowing is what drives me nuts. I always try and let him know what I’ll be doing if I am not around when I should or normally am. I let him know last night that I was going rock climbing today, which meant I was not home all morning. But UGH.

Make this feeling stop! Please. I wanna be the most amazing boyfriend and I try so hard. But days/weekends like this make me feel like I fail so badly at that and makes me feel like I’m a horrible boyfriend and horrible person to know. It makes me realize that I really don’t have any good friends around here, because well. I’ve sat at home all weekend. I only went rock climbing today because of Const’s friends! Not even my own friends.

Yesterday when we were talking, I broke down crying a few times because I just can’t believe how fucking stupid and crazy I am sometimes. And living here and hanging out with certain people has really ruined my feeling of being in a real relationship. A lot of things that I used to have done by this time in a relationship I haven’t done yet with Const because those people always make fun of me and make me feel horrible for wanting to be a “WE”. I don’t tell Const as much as I should that he’s a great boyfriend, and honestly I don’t feel that he tells me that enough either. I try and show it as much as I can for him, but when we’re doing the LDR thing it’s hard to show how much you care for someone.

UGH! I’m sorry for the dramatic post. I just had to write……

Я тебя люблю

I told Constantine that I love him on Valentines day.

He said. “Thank you”.

While in Napa he said it in Russian.

Yesterday he said it for real.

I didn’t respond.

Do I? Do I not. I’m not sure. I really care about him. I’m going to miss him. But do I love him.

I just feel like there’s so much missing. I just read his blog. From the very little he actually wrote over the years. It still seems like there’s so much I don’t know about him.

I’m going to miss him deeply while he is gone. We will have to use it as a chance to get closer.

Unmotivational!

I’ve been very unmotivated lately to really do anything.

I’ve had a string of bad/annoying clients lately with the whole freelance thing, so that’s put me off. I seriously cannot believe how stupid some of these people are. IE: one guy was bitching because i sent him a link to his site that didn’t have “www.” in front of it. The same guy was also trying to watch STREAMING VIDEO from his website over a fucking AOL Dial up connection! What a twat!

Then at work, I’ve been feeling very un-needed because of this whole new “project lead” shit that one guy got. I’ve been struggling with trying to get something very simple done and my clients at the office are being VERY slow to reply! Then I just spent 2 days doing a whole new menu system that I hand coded on the corp website, only to be yelled at by the CEO because we purchased a menu system that took me about 10 minutes to implement. Also I feel that they are going to forget about the whole Oracle training again. I just asked and the CEO said that he’ll “let me know when the time is right.” UGH! Very annoying. If they are going to be serious about this, then they would be doing them back to back. I am going to FORGET EVERYTHING I learned in the first one before the next one.

I have also been studying for my GMAT and I am so going to fail this test. Everything in the book is so hard. I finished all the vocab stuff and most of what I thought was right is wrong! :'( Maybe I’m just not cut out for Grad school. But I really want to go. I have officially sent in my application and everything, I just have to get the fucking GMAT taken.

I’m also feeling very broke. Now with a $1,000 car repair bill, the cost of a rental car, an additional $400 that I have to pay for insurance because I reduced my deductible, the cost of doing my taxes, what I will owe for my taxes and a 6-month gift for Const. I am just flat broke right now. I did a quick 1040EZ the other day and based on that I will owe about $1,000 more for taxes this year as well! Hopefully my tax woman can bring that down. If I’m eligible for this rebate check the government is sending out, it’s not going to get far with me, it’ll probably just go right back to them!

I’ve also been wanting to redesign my blog, I just haven’t had the energy to actually do it! I have some ideas. Just nothing that seems good.

Plus to top it all off, Constantine leaves in a month! :'(

Andrew’s Mistakes

I sent this message on Facebook, but thought I would post it here as well so people would know…..

Hi all,

I write with some potentially disheartening news. As some of you may or may not know, ever since I have been at Austin going to grad school, I have not been exactly thrilled with school and with living here.

This is really hard to write, but basically I’m leaving my program. I’m sending a big message because I can’t really handle explaining it to everyone individually. I’m at a point where I cry at any given moment.

I realized last semester and now this semester that this is not what I want to do with my life. I definitely like Art History, but you have to more than like it in order to get an advanced degree in it. I find myself dreading going to classes, I have a very difficult time understanding the assignments, and in general, I just feel like I don’t care enough to push through it. I just don’t think Art History is my thing, which means I should not waste anymore time/money/energy/stress working towards an advanced degree in it.

Ever since moving to Austin, I have been more unhappy than I have been in years. I cry all the time, and I am away from the people I love the most.

Therefore, within the next week or so, I am moving back to California. Hopefully that will excite some of you Californian folk. I will be staying with Steve’s family this semester. They have graciously offered to take me in and let me stay there. So that is where I will be. I hope that everyone in California can help keep me busy for awhile so that I can try to take my mind off this.

I really just need this time off to figure out what is going on in my life, and what path I want it to take. I hope that no one is disappointed in me. I really feel like I gave it my all, and bottom line, I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness for a degree I don’t even really want.

Any responses and comments are welcome.

Andrew

Andrew posted that on myspace. I think it’s really funny to watch him make all the same mistakes over and over again. He’s already been through this once. And it’s so funny to see him do this shit. I mean you just wasted 4 years in college getting an art history degree. Now what are you going to fucking do! Idiot!