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I’m a Jealous Asshole…

//Warning: Major drama to follow…..

Ok, so not only am I the biggest asshole in the world. I’m also a very jealous asshole. And I HATE long distance relationships.

UGH! I feel myself slipping into the shit that Andrew and I went through back in the day. UGH. The last two nights Const has gone out with friends. One night just to coffee and then a movie, and then last night to some bar. I get very very jealous and annoyed. I hate this feeling and I know I shouldn’t be. But I am and I do.

Then to top it all off today, his phone is broken and I have not talked to him since 5pm yesterday. So I am getting VERY very annoyed and pissed and of course my mind always goes to. “Oh my god he’s out fucking someone” or “oh my god, he’s going to call and break up with me”…. Mostly that’s because it’s what happened with the last long distance relationship.

We got into a huge fight yesterday about a lot of stupid annoying shit that bugs me. I know I am completely at fault for it all. A) because I don’t bring them up when they first bug me and B) because then I dwell on them and make the issue way bigger then it really is.

Today it’s really annoying me that he never left a message on AIM or has tried contacting me at all in any way. Again it’s all because I’m insecure and worry that something bad is happening and that I can’t get it out of my mind and every minute, every second that goes by without hearing from him makes me even more crazy! I’ve probably called him a hundred times today and it always just goes straight to voice mail. I know his phone is broken! But anything, any sort of communication would have helped. A message on AIM, a txt message, borrowing a friends phone to call me.

I _HATE_ this feeling and I hate being this way. Like I told him yesterday, he’s the best boyfriend I’ve had so far, and lets be hopeful that I’ll ever have, but I still can’t help but feel this way. I _KNOW_ that ultimately he’s probably just out with friends again, maybe at a movie, buying a new phone, who knows. But that NOT knowing is what drives me nuts. I always try and let him know what I’ll be doing if I am not around when I should or normally am. I let him know last night that I was going rock climbing today, which meant I was not home all morning. But UGH.

Make this feeling stop! Please. I wanna be the most amazing boyfriend and I try so hard. But days/weekends like this make me feel like I fail so badly at that and makes me feel like I’m a horrible boyfriend and horrible person to know. It makes me realize that I really don’t have any good friends around here, because well. I’ve sat at home all weekend. I only went rock climbing today because of Const’s friends! Not even my own friends.

Yesterday when we were talking, I broke down crying a few times because I just can’t believe how fucking stupid and crazy I am sometimes. And living here and hanging out with certain people has really ruined my feeling of being in a real relationship. A lot of things that I used to have done by this time in a relationship I haven’t done yet with Const because those people always make fun of me and make me feel horrible for wanting to be a “WE”. I don’t tell Const as much as I should that he’s a great boyfriend, and honestly I don’t feel that he tells me that enough either. I try and show it as much as I can for him, but when we’re doing the LDR thing it’s hard to show how much you care for someone.

UGH! I’m sorry for the dramatic post. I just had to write……

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