Author: Cj B

July 28, #2 [Savage Garden, "Tears Of Pearl"]

Well today so far hasn’t been to good. Yeah, Adam came over and got me

about 11:30 or so this morning and we went to Ames to get his ear pierced,

of course I had to get mine done too, so we did that. I now have another

earring. But yeah, then we went out and just did random things, we went

shopping and such. It hasn’t been a good day though cause, well, it’s hard

to explain. I love being around Adam cause he’s so funny and great to be

around, but at the same time, I hate bieng around him cause all those feelings

come back. And it’s hard for me to deal with them. Today I was just being

a total jerk, and I regret that. But that’s the way I was dealing with those

emotions today. Like last night I delt with them by bieng all flirty and

giddy, and today I’m just dealing with them by being a jerk. It sucks, I

know, and it’s a bad way to do it.

July 28, [Aerosmith, "I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing"]

Well tonight’s been really hard for me. Emotionaly that is. The first part

of the night was good. Dean came over and we went out shopping, my mom gave

me $125 for school clothes, so yeah. I went out and got a few new shirts.

They’re all real cool. I like them. Then Adam called, so we went over there

and got him. Dean went to meet Julian after work, so Adam and I went out

car shopping. That was fun. Tonight was actually alot of fun, but it was

hard for me to be around Adam, just me and him, I found myself flirting

with him alot. It was hard for me to be around him, I just wanted to keep

going on as though nothing had happened and that we were together. I wanted

to just hug him or hold his hand. I dunno. It’s hard. I also kept making

puns about not having anyone anymore, and I think that made him feel bad

a bit, but it was a way of reminding myself that it was over, and when we

were driving I couldn’t reach over and play with his hair, or hold his hand

or while we’re out in public I can’t put my arm around him, or hug him.

Like I’ve said before, it’s going to be hard moving from the boy friend

mode to the just friends mode for me. I’m not really depressed anymore about

it actually being over. It’s just the transition that’s going to be hard,

and not being able to do these things. At first when we started doing them,

I felt alittle wierd, mostly cause I didn’t know where the limits were,

or what I could do. But then I got kinda attached to it, I wanted to be

touching him as much as I could when he was around. It just felt so good

to have his arms around me, or for me to be holding him, I just got used

to it and now it’s hard to leave that. It’s been hard.

July 27, [Bon Jovi, "I’d Die For You"]

Well tonight’s been really good. I went over to Wal-Mart about 9 or so

and hung out there tell Julian got off. When he got off, we went downtown

to Java Joe’s and just talked. It was nice to just go out one night and

just to hang out and talk. Not to have the problems that a large group creates

about everyone wanting to go somewhere else. It was also nice to just have

a night where nothing was really bothering me. Where I could just talk to

him about anything and everything, even though I didn’t really. It was nice

to know that I could. We just had a general conversation about life in general

and different things. It was really good. It kept my mind off everything

else in life that’s been bringing me down lately. After Java Joe’s we went

to his house (and no, we didn’t go through the gay loop at all, thanks).

There we just hung out and got some food. His mom makes good Cole Slaw.

In general tonight’s been really good. I wish I could have more nights like

this. I wish I had a bf right now, so I could spend time with him. A night

like this would have been a good bf night.

July 26, [Lifehouse, "Everything"]

Ok, for me going to bed is a time for the day to catch up with my brain,

it’s when everything that happened that day hits me. It’s a time for me

to think about what’s been happening in my life, and about where my life

is going. Last night wasn’t a good night for that. I went to bed and everything

from Adam and my conversation just hit me. I lost him. And that really hurt

last night. Then I got to thinking about other things. Work, my social life,

school, my parents, everything. Just not good times. For the first time

in a long time, suicide was on my mind again. I was really depressed yesterday,

and I still kinda am. But, I think with time, things will get better.

find me here

speak to me

i want to feel you

i need to hear you

you are the light

that is leading me

to the place where

i find peace again

you are the strength

that keeps me walking

you are the hope

that keeps me trusting

you are the life to my soul

you are my purpose

you are everything

and how can i

stand here with you

and not be moved by you

would you tell me

how could it be

any better than this

you calm the storms

you give me rest

you hold me in your hands

you won’t let me fall

you still my heart

and you take my breath away

would you take me in

would you take me deeper now

’cause you’re all i want

you are all i need

you are everything

everything