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My Life

Aug 04, 2001

Aug 4, [Evan And Jaron, "Crazy For This Girl"]

Tonight’s been full of much thinking. I got off work and came home. I told

Angie last night that I’d call Adam when I got off work and arange a chat

with him tonight so we could talk some things out that have been going though

my head lately. But I got home and the parents started bitching at me about

shit that I didn’t really care about. But after they were done bitching

we ate supper and then my mom and I went out shopping. It was pretty cool.

I actually got some things that I like. We didn’t get home tell 8 and by

that time I figured it was to late to call Adam cause he probably already

had plans for the night. So I just hung out here tell about 9ish when I

got on and saw that Adam was on. So we chatted for a bit. Nothing much really.

After that I went and watched TV. But I got an urge for a latte, so I went

down to Java Joe’s. No one was there that I knew, so I got what I wanted

and headed off to my car. While I was on my way there, I ran into Angie

and Mary and her bf. So we went back to Java Joe’s and hung out there. Here’s

where the much thinking part comes in: I’ve been hanging out with the same

people forever. The same people in HS, the same people now. Granted we’ve

all changed alot. But we’re still the same people, and our relationships

aren’t going to last forever, there’s going to come a time when we all go

our seperate ways and tonight, I think, it’s starting to show. Where was

everyone tonight, it used to be (just earlier this summer) that everynight

we were hanging out in a big group, but now, it’s just small groups of us,

and we don’t really do anything. What scares me though, is that when that

time comes, the time when we all go our seperate ways, is that I won’t have

anyone left then. I’m not a very social person. It’s the way I am. I can’t

just go up to someone and say, "Hey, I’m Chris" like Angie and

Adam can. I just _can’t_ do it. It’s not me, and it really sucks. The only

friends that I have are the ones that are in this group, this small group

of people. I need to expand who I know. But it’s hard for me. I’m not a

talkitive person. I really hate that right now, I wish I could change that,

and I’ve tried, I really have, but I can’t do it. I know alot of people,

but I don’t, or can’t consider them my friends. Like I know Tara and Jessica.

But I don’t really feel as though I can consider them friends. They’re Adam’s

friends, I know them through him, and that’s the only way I know them. They

aren’t people that I would just call up and say, "Hey, wanna do something

tonight." And that’s the way it continues. Everyone that I know I’ve

met through someone else. My group of freinds that I hang out with now started

when I was in Cub Scouts, with Marry as the leader, and Luke and all those

guys were in it. Through them I met Nic, and Xak, and those guys, and then

though them I met Julian and Angie and everyone else. And the web continues,

but for me, it’s not getting bigger, it’s just spreading out. (If that makes

any sense, I know what I’m talking about). I think that’s another reason

why I like hanging around Adam and Angie so much is that they are the kind

to walk up to people and just start talking. When I’m around them, I’ll

usually do it too, but when I’m by myself, I won’t at all. I took that test

once for Social Anxiety Disorder, and I failed it pretty bad. In other words,

according to the test, I should be being treated for it. Of course that’s

just a test, but still. I just keep repeating myself, so I’m going to go

to bed now, night all.

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