July 26, 2001

July 26, [Lifehouse, "Everything"]

Ok, for me going to bed is a time for the day to catch up with my brain,

it’s when everything that happened that day hits me. It’s a time for me

to think about what’s been happening in my life, and about where my life

is going. Last night wasn’t a good night for that. I went to bed and everything

from Adam and my conversation just hit me. I lost him. And that really hurt

last night. Then I got to thinking about other things. Work, my social life,

school, my parents, everything. Just not good times. For the first time

in a long time, suicide was on my mind again. I was really depressed yesterday,

and I still kinda am. But, I think with time, things will get better.

find me here

speak to me

i want to feel you

i need to hear you

you are the light

that is leading me

to the place where

i find peace again

you are the strength

that keeps me walking

you are the hope

that keeps me trusting

you are the life to my soul

you are my purpose

you are everything

and how can i

stand here with you

and not be moved by you

would you tell me

how could it be

any better than this

you calm the storms

you give me rest

you hold me in your hands

you won’t let me fall

you still my heart

and you take my breath away

would you take me in

would you take me deeper now

’cause you’re all i want

you are all i need

you are everything

everything

July 25, 2001 #2

July 25, #2 [Eagles, "I Can’t Tell You Why"]

Ok so Adam and I had a really nice talk tonight. We went out to the west

side after work and just talked about our feelings. I feel much better now,

but at the same time I feel alot worse. I lost him, and that really hurts,

but it’s still really good to know how he feels about everything. We talked,

it was good. It still hurts though, of course. Like tonight right after

the talk. We were in Kum & Go. I just wanted to keep like, hugging him,

or I just wanted to put my arm around his waist, but I knew that wouldn’t

be right, cause well we’re not in that any more. It’s going to be hard transitioning

from the boy friend mode to the friends mode.

I think sometimes I’m a bit to laid back, and I let other people’s feelings

get infront of mine. And I don’t take enough time for myself. I don’t take

time to care for myself. Sometimes I tell myself that I should be more selfish,

but I’m not. I can’t be that way. And other times it may seem like I only

care about my feelings, but they are usualy the things that are the farthest

from my mind. I spend alot of night crying in bed. Not because I’m sad,

but because I’m sad about why others are sad. I could never be a psychologist,

I would always take the patients problems home with me. Maybe that’s why

I need this journal so much, if it weren’t for this I wouldn’t be able to

express my feelings at all. Am I making any sence here?

I talked to Josh today, Julians brother. I asked if he knew why his dad

might have called my house. He said that he did. Oh, hehe, I guess I should

tell the story before I tell the ending. Well last night, I got this message

from my mom on my cell phone. She said, "You’re in deep shit with Julian

Sheldahls Dad" and I was like, what the hell? So I asked Julian about

it, and he said he didn’t have any idea. So today Josh came in and I talked

to him. He said that my parents started like questioning him about who he

was. I guess maybe they thought it was Danny’s dad or something. Little

do they know, that Danny’s dad speaks Spanish only, lol.

July 25, 2001

July 25, [S Club 7, "I Really Miss You"]

Gay boys and teenage girls have this much in common: both take a long time

to get ready to go out, and both love going to malls.

In fact, malls have become the convergence point of modern America: brightly

lit and often discounted melting pots of commerce, cash machines, and culture.

So imagine my surprise at my local mall recently, in suburban Des Moines,

when I saw two 16-year-old boys walking around holding hands. Picking my

jaw up off the floor, I looked around for a camera, thinking there must

be a movie filming. But there was no camera. This was real life.

I shadowed them for a time, thinking they were, by example, making fun

of gay people. But no – as I watched them move in and out of The Gap and

Structure, I could tell the handholding was genuine, and I was awestruck

at the simple act.

They were not alone, but were part of a group of teenagers, mixed male

and female, including at least one obvious heterosexual pairing. They all

laughed together, walked around together, made fun of each other, and shared

both a common voice and common ground. It was a remarkable and moving sight,

and one that I did not expect to see.

Wasn’t it just a few years ago that Matthew Shepard was tied to a fence

post? And isn’t this the generation that is making Eminem a vastly popular

hate-monger?

So many questions ran though my head: Was this an anomaly? Could it be

some extended social science class project? Or have we been Will & Graced

enough to break though some of the last barriers that separate the gay community

from the straight community? Are incoming High School students now so comfortable

being who they are that they will feel no need to politicize themselves

for the cause? Is it simpler to "just do it" than to debate it

forever?

There were other eyes following my two young men around the mall as well,

especially those of older, married couples who did double takes [and in

some cases , triple takes[ at the sight of two 16-year-olds boys doing no

more, or less, then they were doing themselves. I walked slowly and listened

to some of the comments. They were not all positive, yet they were not all

negative either. Said one sixty-ish woman to her husband, "It’s just

like your brother. Let them be happy."

Some people shook their heads as they walked by, while other stiffened

and refused to look at all, but their eyes betrayed them. You could tell

then had noticed and were unnerved by the sight. The boys themselves seemed

oblivious to the ruckus they were causing by just holding hands, feeding

each other ice cream at D.Q., or by holding up a leather jacket to one another

to share opinions on it’s style.

I wondered if they faced persecution by anyone at their school, or if they

surrounded themselves with this small group of friends who understand and

are supportive. How do other boys react? Do their parents know their children

are having a profound impact on people who cross their paths? And do these

boys know what they may have to face in their future by being so completely

honest in the present?

We hear how cool it is to be gay in high school these days, but in fact

thiswas the first conclusive evidence I had seen to support that urban legend.

Maybe it is true. I hope it is.

I lost the group somewhere near Sam Goody, where a sign announced that

MTV was sponsoring a yearlong examination of hate crimes, urging their viewers’

acceptance of other races, religions, and preferences. And it occurred to

me as I stood there in the mall, that we are at a pivotal moment in out

times when a media outlet aimed at youth had the foresight to promote tolerance,

and young people respond with simpler acts of kindness and affection for

one another.

Having been around more teenagers in the last year then I had been for

a few years had been quite enlightening for me, and in mostly a positive

way. For some time I’ve been an advocate of the idea that the current generation

of 16-year-olds is set to take a big step toward compassion for all lifestyles.

Although we aren’t completely there yet, I’m happy to see that those steps

have been taken out of a conceptual stage and into the malls of middle America-possibly.

The most unlikely yet brilliant common battlefield of all.

-Thomas Long

July 24, 2001 #2

July 24, #2 [O Town, "Baby I Would"]

Alright, so I’m getting ready for a switch over to blogger and fateback.

I’ve got most of my pages switched over to the new format and templates

so I’m thinking I’m about ready to go once I figure out the archives in

Blogger and a way to implement them with the current system that I have.

So yeah, get ready for the move, and also be patient if there’s any down

time in the pages.

In other news, Adam, Ang, and I hung out tonight. We started the nights

at Ang’s. Just me and her. Adam got there about 8. I was trying really hard

to hold back tears. A few of them got out, but all in all it was fair times

there. We watched, "What Women Want." It’s an ok movie, it moved

a little slow for me though. Adam and I had a talk there, and that was nice.

There’s still alot that we need to talk about. But it was really nice to

talk to him there. One of the things that I still need to talk with him

about is what are we going to do for now. I mean obviously we’re going to

be around each other during this time that he’s taking to find himself.

But if we keep going like we have been the last two days, I’m going to go

insane. If we’re going to be in a relationship yet. I would like to be able

to at least hold hands while we’re out, or hug and stuff. But if he’s going

to be uncomfortalbe with that, or thinks that that won’t help him, then

I’m also fine with giving that up some. Or at least for the time being.

I don’t realy know how long I’d be able to do this. But at the same time

I know he has to have his time, it’s not an overnight process, and I don’t

want to push him at all. And I also don’t want this relationship to end.

I feel as though I’m being selfish. By asking if I can hold his hand or

hug him in public while he’s in this time of his life.

Ok well after the movie we went out to the loop, we ran into Ben from our

HS there. He’s not gay but he was down there and that really freaked me

out. I felt really out of place down there tonight. I don’t know what’s

up. I’ve felt out of place in most places lately. I felt out of place at

Angie’s, I felt out of place when we were at Adam’s for that short amount

of time, I felt out of place at the loop. I’m thinking that vacation would

do me good right now, or maybe just a hermatage, ( I think that’s the word

I’m looking for ). But I really need the money, so I don’t think that I’ll

go on vacation with my family. I don’t really know what’s been wrong with

me lately. Well not even lately. Actually, I’ve felt out of it for a long time. Like I don’t really belong here. Like sometimes, people just hang

out with me cause I’m there. Or that people just call me cause they want

someone else there, not cause I’m fun to be around, or cause they really

like me for who I am. I also feel as though I’ve been a total asshole to

people over like the last week or so, especially to the person that means

the most to me right now. I so don’t want to lose anyone. Things in life

just haven’t been going my way lately, and I feel really bad.

July 24, 2001

July 24, [O Town, "All Or Nothing"]

Well you know how just before you go to bed you seem to have the best ideas

for writing. Well last night was one of those nights and I should have written

this update before I went to bed. Adam and I were at the mall yesterday

and we were sitting on those big comfy couches. He had been acting kinda

wierd yesterday. He didn’t hug me when I came into his house, hell he barly

acknowledged that I was there. Then while we were at the mall he just didn’t

want to be touched at all. He was just out of it totally. But ok back to

the big couch. We were sitting there and I say to him, "We need to

talk sometime" and he asked, "Good or bad?" and I said, "Good."

and that was that. We got up from there and walked around some more.

After that we left. On the ride home he asked me about the other day, and

weather I liked what was happening in our relationship. I told him I was

very happy in our relationship. Even though I feel as though I haven’t even

had that much of a roll in our relationship. I’ve kinda taken a hands off

approach to it. I’ve done that cause I was letting him move at the pace

that he felt comfortable, or at least I thought I was. I knew that he was

"new" to it all. You know you can’t just go, OMG I’m gay and then

jump in bed with some guy and expect to totally enjoy it. It’s going to

feel wierd at first, cause you’ve been told that it’s wrong all these years.

I didn’t feel wierd in our relationship because I’ve had like most of my

life to adjust to the fact that I’m gay. But I felt I was giving him the

space and time to adjust to it. I feel now though that maybe I shouldn’t

have. Maybe I should have played a more active roll. I would have liked

that better, I mean I’m very happy in the relationship that we had. But

I’ve been in it from the back seat. Anyway, he started talking about how

he’s just been really depressed lately, and he’s felt wierd in our relationship

and with what’s been happening. He also said that saturday after I left

he was home alone and he got to thinking about how he’s going to be really

lonely once everyone leaves and that he’s been crying because Ang will be

so far away. Now, I really suck at the whole counseling thing, but I tried.

I mean it’s not like he’s ogint to be totally alone, Julian and I will be

in Ames, Xak will be in Ankeny, and Ang, well he can e-mail Ang. But there’s

also his friends from school, once school starts he’ll be talking with them

alot more.

But he said that he just wants space right now to figure out where in his

life he’s going. Basically. So we’re taking a break in our relationship.

Which really hurts me, I really like Adam. When I said that we needed to

talk, I was going to tell him something else. Something that, well. But

I can understand that he needs his space. I’ve had most of my life to adjust

to this, being gay. And I can understand that it might feel wierd being

with your bf for the first time, even just hugging and kissing. I felt a

little wierd at first when we were cuddling or even when he tried to hug

me, but I got comfortable with it. I took my time, but now I can do that.

I feel also though that maybe I should have stopped somethings. That maybe

I let him go to far.