My Life

Oct 26, 2000

well it’s oct 26 like 9 or so, i don’t know anymore what time

it is, I’ve been losing track of the dates and the time alot lately. i don’t

know what it is. well i dropped chem yesterday, that was a lot of fun, thank

god i’m out of that class. o but that means i have to take class where ever

i go next year, i hope danny and i keep up and end up somewhere close to each

other. i really love him, he’s so sweet. i forgot that halloween was coming

up wonder what i’ll do for it. hmmm. o well, i will probobly end up sitting

around on my lazy duff like any other day. hmmmm. damn people, they always

interupt me when i am trying to do my damn work. well i’ve been doing my schedules

for next semester and filling out college apps, yuck, god i want to get out

of here so fucking bad, i want out out i wan. ddamn it. this sucks so fucking

bad, everything is so damn easy. so damn easy, so far i am getting A’s in

evey class, except chem, but i dropped it. o well. well i hadn’t realized

it been so long since i last updated so i wll go back and recap a few things.

well i went to SF, after i talked to danny, i went to this club called jamz,

well i never made it in, i think i have social anxity, i drove around the

place for like a hour. but never actually made it in. i’m going to go see

my cousin on nov 9, we are going to go out then, i know it. i’m also thinking

of getting my ear pierced, probobly won’t but i’m thinking, i think too much.

that’s my problem, i need to be more spontaneous. well i had this feeling

that danny was ignoring me so i wrote him this big old long e-mail, i sent

it with out reading it again, not smart, he responded promptly the next morning,

i love him so much, i don’t know what had come over me when i worte that e-mail

it was really messed up, some how i went from talking about how i mised him

to the meaning of life and death, to religion, to him rating his sexual preference

on the kinsey was odd. i appoligized for it and send him a rose.

i really love him. well some one needs to get me some drugs, i’m so damn depressed

now, they say that by 2020 depression will be the number 2 killer. odd huh.

huh, when i started there was something else i wanted to babble about, but

i don’t remember it now, but that brings up another good point, my memory,

it’s been really bad lately, i can’t remember anything, i’m sleeping enough,

but it’s just that i can’t remember. i can’t remember crap. o well, i think

i have a really bad case of depreasion, my parents are starting to worry i

think. they called the other day. hey i don’t know if i babbled about this already or not, but i’m planning for next semester, american gov, econ, accounting,

bus aps, and some other thing but i forget it now. well i think that is enough

for now, cause i can’t remember what i was originally going to bitch about.

maybe i will remember by tomorrow.

My Life

Oct 18, 2000

ok welll today is wed oct 18. Damn it’s been a long day. had a horrid chem class.

i so hate that class. havne’t talked to danny yet…i’m really sad about that.

god i love him so much where is he? i hope i didn’t scare him off with or convo

on sat. bloody hell… heart feels like it’s ripping. o had chem lab today

that really sucked. i love chem but for some reason i just don’t understand

it. o yeah sitll haven’t found a job….o well i don’t think i will get one.

homework takes up to much of my time. i hate life. well for some reason these

just keep getting shorter and shorter. maybe i need some help…..should i go

talk to someone. i hate couselors…..i really do. but then i am trained in

“frist aid therapy” as it’s called….also trained in frist aid, life

gaurding, child saftey, CPR, what else i know i am missing something, o well

it will come back to me. my roomie is a dumb ass. he fucking smells, i can’t

beleive that he can’t smell it….god it SO reacks in here. i need some drugs….i

think i should go to SF this weekend for a bit. maybe see if i can find a good

club to go to. prob not. my parents never let me go out when i was younger…..i

really ahte them for that now. why does our society have social classes. why.

i never understood that. can’t people just like people? i feel that i get along

with about anyone….but people just don’t seem to understand. well enough of

this i’m tired.

My Life

Oct 17, 2000

10:00 Tues oct 17. well today has been pretty funny. i watched the

debates today…..god do i hate politics. haven’t talked to “d”

yet so i e-mailed him, hope he sends me something back. well this one sucks

can’t really think of anything that happened today that is worth talking about.

oyeah talked to doug today i really feel for him. hope he’s ok….i think

he needs to get some help….outside help. well in programming today we did

nothing like normal. i have chem lab tomorrow god i don’t want to go to that.

hmmmm….well i guess that is all for now. damn this update sucks.

My Life

Oct 16, 2000

Afternoon Monday October 16, 2000. well today hasn’t been very good. finally

got our chem test back…got a “d” on it….damn. also failed my

last homework assingment. fuck this shit i hate chemistry. i’m going to go

in and talk to the pro tomorrow. i can’t beleive i got a “d” on

it i thought i did so good. o well. well i am finally caught up on my chem

assingments though that’s a good thing even though i probobly failed all of

them to. damn it i hate my life. well haven’t talked to danny yet today…that

sucks but he is normally on later in the evening so maybe i will still gat

a chance to talk to him. I’ve been looking at costs to fly out and see him

but it’s to damn expensie i would have to drive all the way to lincoln to

get the cheapest fares and that’s still $346.98 i can’t afford that at the

moment. well maybe some day i will get to see him..i still hanve’t got a pic

of him that makes me kinda pived. but i love him for who he is and not for

what he looks like..i think that brings a closer to each other…..even though

we are still thousands of miles apart. hmmm wonder when his spring break is.

maybe we could do a road trip and meet half way. i really need a job. i think

i need to take som eof that paxil stuff……i hate talkig to people……i

hate my life all together maybe i really am depressed. hmm I’m dignosing myself.

maybe i should go into psychology instead of computers…i like to help people.

well i thnk that is all for now.

My Life

Oct 15, 2000

Ok so it’s Sunday afternoon October 15, 200. And I’m sitting here ploding

through my chemistry assingment. I’m getting really fed up with it so I decided

to make a rants page. Well last week was coming out week (im gay incase you

didn’t know). So if i missed telling anyone….Happy Coming Out Week! Well

over that last couple days i have really been thinking alot about my life

and where i want it to go. I decided i have been spending to much time on

the internet so i am not going to get on AIM for a whole week. It’s going

to be hard but i know i can do it. Well i also had a nice chat with this guy

i know online. He’s bi and we have been talking for awhile now. And i have

really been touched by him so i asked him about it. We had a really nice descussion

about how we felt for each other and i feel that we are alot closer now then

we were before. We are now bf, bf. Isn’t that cool. i wished we lived closer

though. Damn. He’s really sweet and i love the way he talks it makes me laugh

(not his voice or anything, his personality). But the thing is we are really

opposites. but then they say opposites attract. God i really love him…i

hope we can meet some time. DAMN MSN. I hate evil empires. So yeah i got MSN

(and i got AIM too) just so i could talk to this guy (the one i just babbled

about) and it works but never when i want it to. NO SERVER AVALIBLE MY F***ING

ASS. o well. it will eventually work. I talked to him on the phone for like

two whole seconds. he has a really sweet voice. god the more i think about

him the more i hate my life. I have no REAL friends up here. I just don’t

fit in. i never really have fit in anywhere. maybe i need some drugs. o well.

Well i really hate chemistry. why do i have to take it? god it’s really so

easy but i can’t understand it….stochiometric conversions and stuff. really

so easy. i want to move to PA. i want to be with him. i want to talk to him

again but he won’t give me his phone number. why did he give it to nyrend

and not me? he has mine….he could call me….i think i will go out here

soon. why is SF so damn far away? and there is really nothing to do there.

hmm. why can’t i put more then one space here i can hit the space bar as much

as i want but it only allows one space in between anything how stupid. am

i obessing over him? i really like him he’s the only person that has touched

my heart and really known me for who i am. i didn’t start coming out of the

closet untill just this last week. i told my cousin and four of my friends

from home. they were all really supportive that was nice. but sill NO ONE

has really known me. i hate my life. why didn’t i just tell everyone back

when i was 12 years old when i first found out. DAMN I HATE LIFE. i need some

drugs. am i OK? god it’s 1:30 in the afternoon and i’ve been up since 9:00

and i haven’t left my room yet. how sad is that. I need a job…..but i don’t

want one. but then who does want one? maybe i will go find one today.