July 28, [Aerosmith, "I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing"]
Well tonight’s been really hard for me. Emotionaly that is. The first part
of the night was good. Dean came over and we went out shopping, my mom gave
me $125 for school clothes, so yeah. I went out and got a few new shirts.
They’re all real cool. I like them. Then Adam called, so we went over there
and got him. Dean went to meet Julian after work, so Adam and I went out
car shopping. That was fun. Tonight was actually alot of fun, but it was
hard for me to be around Adam, just me and him, I found myself flirting
with him alot. It was hard for me to be around him, I just wanted to keep
going on as though nothing had happened and that we were together. I wanted
to just hug him or hold his hand. I dunno. It’s hard. I also kept making
puns about not having anyone anymore, and I think that made him feel bad
a bit, but it was a way of reminding myself that it was over, and when we
were driving I couldn’t reach over and play with his hair, or hold his hand
or while we’re out in public I can’t put my arm around him, or hug him.
Like I’ve said before, it’s going to be hard moving from the boy friend
mode to the just friends mode for me. I’m not really depressed anymore about
it actually being over. It’s just the transition that’s going to be hard,
and not being able to do these things. At first when we started doing them,
I felt alittle wierd, mostly cause I didn’t know where the limits were,
or what I could do. But then I got kinda attached to it, I wanted to be
touching him as much as I could when he was around. It just felt so good
to have his arms around me, or for me to be holding him, I just got used
to it and now it’s hard to leave that. It’s been hard.