Author: Cj B

July 30, 2001 #4

July 30, #4 [Collective Soul, "Where The River Flows"]

Well today after I wrote that last update Adam, Ang and I went to DM to

schedule a hair cut appointment with for Ang. While we were in there there

was like this 12 year old kid that was so gay. Well Adam pointed him out

and we were talking about him, and I said something like, "What because

you can’t decide" and he informed me that he had decided, which was

news to me. As far as I was informed he was still in that questioning state.

Well this news just made me really sad. If he’s decided then why, why has

everything that’s happened happen? We started this as a break until he was

able to decide, but now he’s decided and broken it off completely? I just

don’t get it. grrrr.

July 30, 2001 #3

July 30, #3 [David Gray, "Please Forgive Me"]

So Adam and Ang are here now. We highlighted me hair. It’s cool. We also

tried Adam’s hair, but it didn’t work out as well. But yeah. It’s good times.

I don’t really know what the point of this update is, I just felt like writing

something here. But yeah, we’re supposed to be going somewhere here soon.

July 30, 2001 #2

July 30, #2 [John Denver, "Leaving On A Jet Plane"]

What I really don’t get right now is that Adam said he broke our relationship

off cause he felt wierd about what happened between us. Yet today he said,

"I’m gay" and he does that alot, he refers to himself as "for

sure" bi / gay. I don’t understand how he can keep doing that and say

that he’s questioning? Is he really? What’s going on in his head? And another

thing is he keeps making references to what happened, things that only he

or I would know. And all of the references it seems as though he really

enjoyed what happened. How could he have been / be so sure. And yet say

that he doesn’t know. Is it just a face he puts up to be able to hang around

with us? Does he feel that if he says, "Well I don’t really know right

now" that we’ll not like him, or that he’ll hurt someone? He won’t,

it’s best to be who you are. I don’t know, sometimes I just get these feelings

from him, these vibes that I can’t explain at all. Bad vibes. I wish I knew

more about what he’s questioning. Maybe we could help. We’ve all been through

the same period. When I was younger I had lots of problems with dealing

with it. I had no one to turn to, or at least I thought I didn’t. I wish

I had the support groups that he does now, I wish I had the resources. I

wish I had knew that most of my friends were. I think High School would

have been so much better.

To love someone is something…but to be loved by the one you love is *everything*.

July 30, 2001

July 30, [Sting, "Brand New Day"]

Today’s been really great times. I wish they were still really great times

with my boy friend Adam, but they’re really great times with my friend Adam.

This afternoon I went over to his house and just hung and talked with him

and his mom a bit there, then we went over to Jessica’s house and hung out

with her. It’s hard times in her house. She just got a new car and the tape

they used to put the "For Sale" sign on the windows had melted

so we helped her get that off there. Then we came back to my house cause

I was hungry and he wanted a Koi. I made myself a salad, Adam went out to

the fish pond to try and get a fish, he didn’t do very good at that, so

I came in and changed into trunks and got into the pond. Cause that’s how

we usually get them. That didn’t work either. So we just gave up. After

that we went out to Saylorville and hung out there, it was good times, it

was so pretty. Again, I wished I was with boy friend Adam yet, but it was

still really fun. After that we came back here and made french fries and

potato chips. It was so much fun. After that we went swimming and hot tubing,

I was waiting for Adam to try and go skinny dipping, but he didn’t and I

was happy about that. I really don’t want to get into a position like that,

not now. After that we came inside and watched a movie. I forget the name

of it already, it’s that one with the prince or what ever he was and he

gets changed into a llama thing. Yeah, that was a great movie, "No

Touchy" hehe. I love that line. Tonight was great times. Taking him

back home though was hard tonight, I started to cry. I was thinking about

how great tonight would have been had we still been together. It would have

added so much to our relationship. But tonight still added alot to our relationship

as friends. I’m glad I chose to stay here tonight. Sometimes I just need

a break.

The house is really clean today too, for the first time ever I feel as

though I can actually bring people over and not be embarased by the way

it looks. It’s so great when the PU’s leave. They make such a mess. lol.

I’m so glad I have the house to myself, one week of a clean house is going

to be so great. But you know, I shouldn’t have to wait for them to leave

to be able to enojy a clean house. But they just can’t seem to keep things

clean, they can’t clean up after them selfs and that damn dog just makes

such a mess cause my dad will just let him in the house right after he jumps

out of the pond or something like that and he just tracks all over the place. Damn dog.