What Am I Thinking #2

Edit:// This post is a little crazy. \:Edit

Gah…

What the hell AM I thinking lately. I seem to jus be fucking everything up for everyone in this world.

I hate it. I feel like such shit lately.

I’m fucking everything up between Andrew and I. I feel like I’m doing the right thing though. (Edit://not by fucking things up, but by taking time off//:Edit)

I think we’ve had an amazingly good couple days, but at the same time, whenever we hang out I feel so guilty and horrible. I dunno how to explain how I feel.

I still have amazing feelings for him. But at the same time, I just haven’t been feeling the same towards him as I used to. Right now I really think that it’s best we be friends and hang out. Hopefully my feelings will come back to what they once were. If everything is meant to be, then they will.

God, I just HATE the way that my life is right now.

I HATE that both Andrew and JonJon are going through some very hard (in the case of Andrew) and some hard (in the case of JonJon) times right now.

Well, I really can’t express what JonJon might be going through because he doesn’t really tell me about what hes feeling. Just that he’s got a crush on me, and he’s trying to get over it and so on.

I can express what Andrew’s going through and I hate that I’m putting him through it. I wish that we could have both gone through this ‘re-discover’ phase at the same time, but it just didn’t happen. I really hope that whatever turns out does so soon.

As for JonJon, he and I talked from like 1am to 5am this morning about all kinds of things. Everything from tarot readings to work to why I once wrote that he and I could never be bf’s.

And that’s what I’m going to focus on right now.

Honestly, the reason I wrote that was stupid. It’s beacuse of that whole history complex I have… I put way to much weight on a persons history… What they’ve done in the past.

And I hate that about myself. And I’m working on changing that. It’s why I joke with Andrew so much about fucking other people, etc. It’s why I do a lot of wierd things like that. And I hate hate hate it.

It’s another reason why I’m glad that jonjon is a friend, but alas.

I feel like I’ve hurt that tonight by explaining that to him.

He said: “Even though the number isn’t 2 high and because of the drugs i would never touch them again and when i know someone is on them i could tell them the good of not doing them and it’d and it would be more then just telling them. it would be speaking from experience. Honestly I wouldn’t be the jonjon I am if I never did.”

I said something about not being able to get oever it, blah blah. Something which was stupid. Then I said, if he wanted me to explain more in person I’d be happy to try.

Then he said: “Whats 2 explain u look at people and judge them on what they’ve done…I’m use 2 that only cuz yer not the only one who does that.”

I dunno, but that just really hurts me for some reason. I hate to think of the fact that I actually do just judge people on thier histories. And like I said, I’ve been trying to change that. I wouldn’t EVEN BE friends with JonJon if I hadn’t changed in the last year or so.

I wish I could make the next step to try and change those things, hopefully I am making the next step.

This is why I currently have such different ethical/moral standards for friends/bf’s. It’s easier for me to just like someone who has a ‘bad’ history. But it’s harder for me to love someone with one.

Beleive me, I went through a lot in the early times of my relationship with andrew just thinking of all the people he’s made out with/dated/done things with.

Maybe it’s because I’m jealous of them for having a life while I sat at home all by myself…..

Honestly, I think that’s probably the best reason I can think of. Because, if I had my life to do over again… I’d probably do a lot of that stuff…. I’d try drugs, I’d have sex, and I’d be more me (Edit://IE, probably more like JonJon. We honestly have a LOT more in common then I could ever imagine//:Edit).

Fuck my life.

feeling restricted
being fenced in by obstacles
staying in a limited situation
feeling trapped by circumstances
experiencing few options
being blind to freedom
feeling persecuted
feeling confused
being unsure which way to turn
feeling at a loss
lacking direction
feeling overwhelmed
floundering around
needing guidance and clarity
not understanding what is happening
feeling powerless
waiting for outside rescue
doubting anything you do will help
avoiding responsibility
looking for a white knight
feeling victimized
accepting inaction

Fuck it all. Why can’t I just be happy for who a person is today.

JonJon’s a great guy, he deserves someone great.

Andrew’s a great guy, he deserves someone great… Someone better then me…I feel like he’s wasted a year on me.

Everyones better then me.. They all deserve something better… Maybe I should just stop dating and just fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, when I’m horny.

Goodbye.