Tag: LAX

Another Paper By Andrew About JJ’s

A Perfect Evening”
“Dirty, dirty dishes.” That’s the sign that greets me as I walk into Java Joe’s, a coffeehouse downtown, through the back entrance. The container under the sign is piled high with the filthy plates, almost as a testament to the deliciousness they once presented. Java’s is my favorite place in the world–where I can drown all my sorrows in a delectable swirl of caramel and cappuccino. In my hectic life, it is comforting to know that I always have a place to go when I am touched by the bluebird of unhappiness. The screeching fluorescent lights, the brand-new band–no matter what, going down to Java’s relaxes me and puts my mind at ease. The sights, the sounds, the people–they all help to calm my sometimes jittery nerves.
I saunter in with friends, looking absolutely stunning, and glance around. heads turn, whispers abound, and I, listening to the explosive bursts of laughter and hearing the shots of gossip being fired, make my way through the battlefield that is the sitting area. I see a friend, an acquaintance, perhaps an ex; and, as a smile leaps onto my face, I raise my hand and wave at whomever it may be. Like a dog that sniffs at some savory cooking, my nose is instantly brought to attention by the smell of coffee. If all the happiness in the world were to become a smell, I would imagine it would smell just like the lattes and mochas that delight my nose now.
I strut my stuff to the front of the emporium, and place myself in a line of hungry souls that await the nourishment that can only be provided by the great deity that is coffee. I wait patiently, my stomach–anxiously awaiting the drink, of course–running and slamming against the walls of my insides, like a lab rat lost in a maze. While waiting, I look around and take in all the sights aroundme. A couple in the corner looks deep into each others’ eyes as their hands clasp together in an entanglement of fingers on the table. A man contemplates his next move in his chess game–should he risk a knight’s life or sacrifice a high and mighty bishop? My wait in line ends as a trendy girl with two-tone hair and several piercings helps me.
As I take my seat at my usual table with my friends, the band begins to play. The electric hummings that come out of the guitar send shockwaves of musical nirvana screaming at my ears. I sample my French vanilla latte and my tastebuds sing; as the slick liquid descends down my throat, the creamy auburn concoction soothes me. My mind relaxes and I feel at peace. The band plays a new tune and i can almost see the music notes trembling in the air, in glorious harmony.
I am sitting close to the entrance and I watch as people, like bees, swarm in and out of the luscious hive. Some are smiling, some are wearing grievous expressions–perhaps they have had a less than stellar day. I enjoy watchin and perceiving the various type of individuals. I listen intentely to the melody being played and tap my feet in accordance with the beat. My mind wanders and I feel happy and free. A friend shouts at me, his deep resonating voice shattering my peaceful reverie. He says we should go outside and take a walk.
Like a small child who doesnt want to leave the playground, I get off my chair methodically and walk towards the door. I inhale one last breath of that wondrous smell, the smell of fun and relaxation and happiness and everything that’s good all rolled into one. I link arms with a friend and we proceed out joyously. As I walk out, the pink elephant mobile (hanging down from the ceiling) winks at me and I am relaxed as I feel I will ever e. My friend and I step out onto the pavement, our hands and our hearts togehther, and heaven drops down upon us in the form of crystalline snowflakes that soon cover the cool winter ground.

Ok so reading it again id ont like it as much. i really like the last sentence though. and the reason it is so ‘flowery’ is b/c it was supposed to be a descriptive essay, so lots of fig. lang. and stuff.
anyways enjoy
andrew

CrapSex

So today’s been really good so far. In MIS today we had a speaker which I arranged. I’m proud of myself. So good times. He was hilarious so it was good. Umm, other then that not much has been up. I went and checked out a book today. It’s really funny so far.

Reasons why crapsex is better then HotSex:
1 ) You don’t have to worry about your appearance. During crapsex you’re covered the whole time by your duvet. During HotSex, however, you’re forever stopping the action in offer to reapply your body makeup and adjust the position of the arc lamps.

2 ) Crapsex is cheap. No internet bills, no year round tan, no gym membership, no silicone implants, no vacuum pump, no hay bills for the goat in the backyard. All you need fir crapsex is a slightly elevated pulse. Well, a pulse.

3 ) Crapsex is cheap. Where as HotSex has to last forever. Crapsex takes no longer then it takes to boil an egg. HotSex will take over your life. Also, because crapsex frankly isn’t very satisfying, there’s always plenty of energy left over for important things such as building ships inside bottles. Or masturbation.

4 ) Crapsex is easy. HotSex is mentally fatiguing because it’s an endless competition–with yourself. Each lay is meticulously compared with the last and rated on a personal-best score sheet. Crapsex cuts out the grinding stress cycle with the relaxing reassurance that sex can’t get any worse. HotSex on the other has, is bound to.

5 ) Crapsex improves relationships. If you have crapsex long enough, you’ll forget how enjoyable HotSex can be, so you won’t see the point in risking your relationship to get it. But if you have HotSex with your partner, it’s only a matter of time before you work though every conceivable fantasy and realize that someone else will be able to offer you even hotter sex simply because they’re someone else. All those better-sex guides for couples whose “spark” has gone out of their love lives are just hastening the end. Crapsex id what keeps people together, like a guilty shared secret. When sex is unfulfilling you have to invest some of your unexpressed libido in that neurotic form of behavior called “affection.”

6 ) Crapsex is safer. Not only will you be having very infrequent sec if you practice crapsex, you will also be keeping your number of partners to an absolute minimum–partly, of course, because the definition of crapsex is “monogamy.” And, because when you’re used to having only crapsex it’s sensible to avoid new partners because they might be having lots of HotSex and will immediately spot you for a sad crapsexer and laugh at your untrimmed pubic hair, un-pierced penis, and unsuppressed gag reflex.

7 ) Crapsex won’t wake up the neighbors. (Or your partner).

8 ) Crapsex isn’t gay. Gays are, of course, still the greatest devotees of HotSex and the greatest enemies of crapsex. (These days, even lesbians, once the standard bearers of crapsex seem to have made the conversion to HotSex.) Homosexuals who make the mistake of admitting to their gay friends that they practice crapsex are immediately told that they are “letting the side down.” Homosexuals who make the mistake of telling their straight friends that they practice crapsex are immediately told how disgusted the make them feel.

9 ) Crapsex doesn’t have to be with someone who is your “type.” Instead, if can be sex with someone you’re almost quite fond of, when the lights are off and they haven’t been eating onions. And it’s their birthday.

10 ) Crapsex is the real world and probably the only chance for real happiness that any of us has. Unfortunately, this is also why HotSex will get you–and me– every time.

Also, my mom randomly called me last night, apparently they’ve pruchased a new TV. One that’s “bigger” then the old one. WTF? Saturday they bought a new bed for my room, Monday they bought a new pool table, and Tuesday they buy a new TV? Any bets on what they buy today?? But the point is that sometime this weekend I have to go home and set it up for them. I dunno what exactly they mean? Unless they didn’t _just_ buy a new tv, they also purchased a whole entertainment system?? I dunno!

GRR GRR GRR GRR

I am officially going to shoot myself in the face repeatedly. Guess what? The speech slate went up today. And guess what? Andrew is in Choral Reading, and One Act play. And guess what? There isn’t a Readers Theater this year. And guess what? Choral Reading is practicing FOUR DAYS A WEEK (Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday). And guess what? One Act Play is practicing FOUR DAYS A WEEK. And guess what? Choral Reading practices from 3-5 and One Act practices from 5-7! So what does all this mean? It means Andrew will fucking have practice from 3 UNTIL FUCKIN 7 O FUCKING CLOCK AT NIGHT EVERY FUCKING DAY EXCEPT WEDNESDAY! I saw Mrs. Bishop and said “Where’s the Readers Theater?” she said that Rachel and I need to come in for a conference right after 2nd hour. I am so mad. I CANNOT practice four nights a week for four hours each time. I can’t just not go to my DMACC class for the rest of the semester. This sucks my big balls. Now I will NEVER work. I will never have time for anything else. I WONT be able to go to Group, I won’t be able to do anything. Let’s see.. I’ll have nothing to eat at all b/c I won’t be able to stop practice. THIS BLOWS! And to make thigns even worse (If that’s even possible) Nearly EVERYONE in the Choral Reading has NEVER done speech before. Meaning we are gonna have this stupid little group of people who don’t know what they are doing. It’s too much. I have to let Mrs. Bishop know this when we have our conference. When I talked to Rachel, she got very emotional with it and I don’t know what to do. The one act was like me, Alanna, and Mitch Owen. Hello, a one act with 3 people? DEAR GOD! This is soooooooo bad, and the next few months of my life will be hell if this happens. I don’t want to drop anything, but four hours a DAY is just too much. When will Mrs. Bishop understand taht we all have other lives to attend to?
GRRRRR….
I am going to talk to Mrs. Every, I will write about my weekend later.
BREAK NUMBER 1!
Ok ::Deep Breath:: I’m feeling better, but not much. I talked to Mrs. Every about things, and she said it is too much for me. It’s fucking too much! ARRRR! I want this block to be over so we can have our meeting.
::deep breath::
So my weekend. Friday I was so insanely productive. I wrote my entire psychology paper, 5 pages of my Bipolar paper, and my personal statement for Chapman. I might post it here and everyone can give me comments.. I want it to be good.
Wait.. I think I wrote this all already..
Um.. Adam, Chris and I went out. That was fun. We just hung around Javas. We saw a fight! These guys started fighting and Chris and I contemplated stopping it.. and then we didn’t. But it got broken up eventually. Scary though! We didn’t really do much. The best part was when I was explaining how David and I used to play that game where you stare right past someone until they freak out and look. And I was saying how we did it to Steph and how she like freaked out, and turned around quick, and screamed “WHAT IS IT?!?” So I was reneacting it, but didn’t realize that there were people behind me. So I whip around and scream WHAT IS IT?!? And this woman gasps! So I turned back around and said I was sorry and the three of us were laughing so hard. Oh my, it was great. But then we left kinda early and I took the long way home and sang a lot. “Do I get off here?” “No, and you ask that every time.” lol
oh good times.
So then Saturday I went to work. The kitchen made the wrong food (imagine that!). They also didn’t get it ready until like 10:45ish. And work sucked. Karen and Jerry were there. I really like Karen, she’s a really sweet person. We just talked about a lot of things, and it wasn’t THAT bad. Then I went to Courtneys and we watched “Save the Last Dance”. That was great. Then I went home and called Chris. He said he’d call back in like an hour, when he was done eating… blargy! lol
So he called and we met at Valley West. We shopped and looked at the cute boys. He had eaten an entire pizza before he came lol.
Emily’s weekend was a blur. “Damn straight!”-Emily
And back to me…
So we sat in the mall and talked for a really long time. I thought it was really nice. I like Chris a lot! Yay Chris! We just walked and stuff, shopped… looked at all the stuff that we can’t afford.
Then we left. I drove him to his car and then we decided to go downtown. When we went down there, we saw Scott and some of his Simpson friends. Stacy was there! So I freaked and Stacy and I talked for the entire time. Chris left b/c Adam called. I guess Adam was annoyed that I called Chris to hang out, but not him. It wasn’t anything personal. A.) I remembered that Adam said he had to work, so why bother? B.) I didn’t know that they had to come as a pair. I don’ mean that to be offensive in any way… but you know.
ANYWAYS, I stayed and talked to Stacy forever. She told me that Skinny and I could stay with her if we go to Minneapolis. So I told Mother that, and she said she’d think about it and maybe we could go. So I hope she decides on yes! That would be awesome and after this week (which is shaping up to be stressful) I need some relaxation. In fact, I just need some. Damn, it’s been such a long time…
And Chris, GO LOOK FOR MY ADOBE PAGEMAKER!!!! I NEED IT! If you come to Des Moines next week without it, I’m striking 70 blowjobs from your total.
And on that note, someone (I won’t say who.. Ok, it was Chris) wrote on the top of my car “Andrew sucks good.” Thanks for the compliment!
Sunday I went to work again, where they made hot wings. I do not know why b/c hot wing day is today. So who the hell knows what they are making today? Who cares cause I’m not selling! Party! Anyways. I am kinda afraid to work the registers again b/c I don’t really remember how to. But I should be good, I’m working with Rich and he’s pretty nice. Hopefully I can just go do the cooler and stuff, and all the other menial stuff that needs to get done.
Anyways, I studied with Katie for the Physics test. Then Skinny came over and we went to the drag show. That was really really fun! Champagne Showers performed and she was awesome!!! And I guess Keanna Iman is going to be on Jerry Springer on Tuesday. Somebody tape it so I can see it! Anyways, the show was cool and I decided that the little Mexican boy who dances (Rodriguez) was really hot. I wanted to make out with him. lol.
So the performances were good, Skinny and I were having a good time, and the sluts glared at us. Oh well. Anyways, the last act was perfectly horrible. It was like a tribute to Kaniptia Fitz, and the whole time I was wondering, “What’s a Kaniptia?” So yeah.. it was really bad. It was Selena Sachowitz (or Sabrina, I can never remember which is which) and she is the one who looks like a man, even when she is in drag! So that was just funny. Afterwards, we met Tyler’s friend Desiree, and she was really cool.
She goes to North. Said she didn’t like David. Imagine that. But when we went to the cheerleading competition, there was a really hot boy cheerleader from North. I asked Desiree about him, and she said he IS gay. Anyways, I gave her my SN and she’s gonna give me the hookup. lol. So she told me that I just need to go talk to Rodriguez. So she came with me and we went up and told him how good he was and stuff.
Well, he asked for my e-mail address, so I gave it to him. And he wrote down his number and email for me, so I also wrote down my cell number. He was so hot! I just remembered this: ::cue asian voice:: “I was gripping the chairs so tight.. oh so tight..” lol. Umm anyways, yeah so then we hugged goodbye and for some reason I thought we were gonna make out. He lives in Waterloo, so that sucks, but he would be fun to play with when he’s down for the shows. Rarr.
So then on the way home, Skinny said how he saw David this weekend and he was insanely drunk. That’s sad. The one thing he promised he would never become. And you’d think after getting alcoholo poisoning, that you wouldn’t drink so much anymore. Some people just don’t learn…
Umm.. my new favorite CD is Erykah Badu “Mama’s Gun” It’s realy good and Bag Lady is the best song ever. I’m also in love with Smashing Pumpkins, “Tonight, Tonight.”
And on that note, stupid Tyler was talking to me last night after the show online.
OMG I JUST REMEMBERED!!!!! Josh (creepy boy who stalks me online) is dating…. ::drum roll:: everyone get prepared to shit your pants….. JEREMIAH WHITE!!! That’s right, JW himself! Gross!!!! I called Skinny and we were shitting our pants together. GROSS!
So Tyler. He was like “Guess who I just spent 2 hours talking to?” I’m like “Who?” And he goes “Rodrigo 🙂 you know, he was one of the acts.” I was just like “Um.. I’m aware.” And he said that Rodriguez said I was really cute.. I was thinking in my head “Cuter thanyou bitch!” But I didn’t say it. But I don’t know if he was saying it in an attempt to make me jealous, but it definitely didn’t work b/c I definitely know that I’m cuter than Tyler and I’m POSITIVE that I’m more interesting. I hate to sound pompous..but Tyler is a Bory McBoreface. So that was that. He then pretty much said he had a crush on Skinny, which has nothing to back it up b/c Skinny is never even very nice to him and Tyler is a stupid Mc Stup face. And I guess he fooled around with 2 guys, neither of which he was dating. So I guess we CAN call him a slut, and at the same time, we realy can’t, b/c Skinny and I have both fooled around with guys we haven’t been dating.. I have with more than two.. we can call those “whoopsies”.
But yeah, Tyler still is a slut for our purposes b/c it’s funnier that way. We hate ugly boy! His name is Joe I guess and he’s so ugly! lol. We are so funny.
The whole time when the sluts kept lookign at us, Skinny and I were like “Bet they’re placing bets on who can get us into bed.” “Bet they’re saying ‘hey, who here has imagined a threesome with them’ and everyone is nodding their heads.” “Bet they think we are bitchy.” And then we said OH WELL! Oh yeah, and this weirdo, really flamy boy ( I think he was drunk) was DEFINITELY all over David 2 and it was gross.
Anyways, I’m gonna go waste some time on the INternet. I work from 4-10 tonight. Someone come visit me.. It’ll be one of the last time I work for awhile lol.
BREAK NUMBER 2!

gambling DESTROYS families

WARNING: THIS EDITION OF ANDREW’S JOURNAL IS DEPRESSING. DO NOT SAY I DID NOT WARN YOU. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.
With that said, I can go on. My day began with me waking up at 8 for no damn good reason because I failed my Physics final. Halfway through, I was like whatever A- is good. Then I lost all balls and didn’t ask Mrs. Every for an A+ because I think it would be very rude of me. Emily and I went for breakfast and that was fun. I came home, worked on some SAT stuff, and decided to go down to Java’s to study and take care of some stuff.
I went down there at 12:30. I wrote most of my social influence thing, so that was productive of me. I then began studying for my ACTs, and things went downhill from there. First off, on the English section (the one where I SHOULD do best, mind you) I missed like 17! Do you know how fucking bad that is? I know I probably sound stupid to be bitching about this, but missing 17 would give me like a 20 on the English section. When I took it the first time, I got a 31 on English, which means I missed like 5. I couldn’t believe it. My Math score was actually better, though I gave up halfway through because I couldn’t understand anything. The more I worked, the more fruitless it seemed. And I started thinking “Well, 29 is good anyway, I don’t even need to retake.” WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!? Suddenly it’s like I don’t care anymore. But I have to.. if I don’t do this right, I’ll end up at Iowa, and I can’t, I just can’t. I know it sounds stupid, but no one even understands how this is…
I then wrote my personal statement for UCLA. All about moving, and coming out, and how hard it was blah blah blah. I’m sure it’s not good.
I decided after that whole fiasco, that I needed to take a walk. So I just walked around downtown. And, just as I had expected, David thoughts came. I passed Kirkwood Hotel (he once made up this elaborate story about how it is haunted), Nolen Plaza (where we used to sit and talk), the Civic Center (where we saw Phantom of the Opera because I bought him tickets for his bday), the Des Moines Public Library (which we ran past one night because we were scared), and ended up down by the bridges, near that stage thing.
Well, David and I used to go there a lot. He always used to say he wanted to get married there. We would talk and watch the water and be happy. One night (much to my dismay… I don’t like to plan things like this), David was talking about how he wanted to get married there and he said he wanted us to act out our wedding. After some coaxing, I agreed, and we walked down, and got on the center platform together. David said some stuff and we kissed and he said it would happen for real some day.
I went and stood in the center of the platform. And began crying. Imagine that. I just cried and cried and cried. Thank God no one was around to see me. I thought of all the good times, all the bad times.. I guess I needed it. Sometimes I like to have a good cry. Just feels good, ya know?
I got weak. I could feel it. And at the same time, I wanted and needed to do it. I got out my phone and called David. I was wishing, hoping, pleading in my mind that he would pick up. I wanted to remind him that I loved him and that he means the world to me. He didn’t answer. My heart was pounding so fast, tears were going down my face… and he didn’t answer. I had a feeling from the start that he wouldn’t, because he never answers when I call… but I thought maybe this time would be different. Maybe I am still naive about things…. I called his dorm.. thought maybe he left his cell phone somewhere. “Yeah, David’s here, but he’s on the phone” “oh… ok.” So he saw that I called, and chose not to click over…. and also chose not to call back.
Why does he do this? The other night, we talked for like 40 minutes, then he said he’d call me back in 1, and he never called back. What did I do to deserve this? NOTHING! I just don’t understand. It’s like when I call, he won’t even answer, but when he calls me, I’m expected to drop everything and talk to him. I wish he would just disappear! I need to get outta here.. I need to go somewhere.. I need a damn vacation.
I am all set to have the best Christmas ever, and I know he’s gonna ruin it. He’ll ruin it because he’ll be here, and he won’t call me. I want to get him a gift, but I know it won’t even cross his mind to get me something. I want to see him over break, but I’m sure that wouldn’t fly well with Nate…
FOUR MONTHS! Four damn months! What is my deal?? Summer’s gonna be even worse than Christmas. Hopefully by then I’ll be over this. If I’m not, I can tell you I will be pretty damn upset. I should’ve been over this a long time ago. It keeps throwing my life off kilter. Everything is fine for like 2 days, then I’m like “Oh my God, I’m in love with David” then I cry, then I freak out, then I’m ok for a few more days.
I say it’s a pretty destructive cycle. I’m gonna crash and burn soon. And it won’t be pretty when I do. I’m putting so much pressure on myself to do well on these damn tests and in all my classes, and I’m trying so hard to include all my friends in my life, and be a better friend to everyone, and I’m trying so hard to not think about David. It’s wearing me down.
And starting in about 2 weeks, I’ll now have 8 or so hours of Speech practice a week. As if I didn’t have enough going on already. I always hate Speech, because in the beginning, it is so tough, and so hard, and so everything else… but it’s so worth it in the end. I think this year I may actually have friends that will come watch me at contest (that means everyone who reads this)… I don’t want any repeats of last year, when Brian Presnall was late and missed my performance.
You can’t rely on anyone but yourself. Maybe I should start being more selfish (practically impossible, I know). And if I only thought about me and what was good for me, maybe I wouldn’t be so unhappy. Maybe I wouldn’t hate life so much. Maybe I wouldn’t cry all the time. Maybe I wouldn’t get so jealous of the people who have found happiness in their lives…
Life is just the weirdest thing. It’s like we go through it, try to better ourselves, try to make money, try to find love, and what for? What’s the point of all this? What’s the point of driving myself crazy with hard classes, and ACTs, and SATs and all this other bullshit? I know that I’m going to do well at whatever college I go to, and that I will basically the same wherever I go. Yet I still push myself for the top. Is it because I want people to be envious of me for actually being able to get out of Iowa? Or do I do this for myself, to give myself an opportunity to thrive in a different environment, where no one knows me? I can reinvent myself. People will know of my past what I let them know of it. They wouldn’t even know if it was true or not. Think about it. How many of you can honestly say you know about my past? My guess is none. I’m reluctant to talk about it because it isn’t the greatest, but at the same time, I’ve never had anyone actually ask me about it. It’s a double edged sword though. I don’t know much about any of your pasts. Do we even need to know about each others pasts? Sometimes it helps give insight into a person. But I think my past would just confuse someone. I used to be a good little Catholic school boy who went to Church.. what the hell happened to me?
There is a quote in a video game (lame, I know) about “where angels lose their way…” I wonder where I lost mine… and how do I find it again? Or do I even want to find it? Why am I being so rhetorical?
I’ve just been thinking a lot. You know, I truly want to believe that love is not the strongest power in the universe. I think friendship should be. Friends will always be there.. and as history shows, lovers will not. But maybe friends won’t always be there. People change, things change, situations change… Why does it seem like we need to find our soul mates so soon in life? Why do we feel like we are nothing if we don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend? They don’t validate our existence.
I am single. I am still alive. It hurts, but I make it.
What is wrong with society? Things are so messed up right now in the world, it doesn’t even make sense. Why is a sniper offing people left and right on the East Coast? Why does the media gobble it up and glorify it? Why is it that bulimia and anorexia were never really a problem until society demanded that women be thin? Why can’t everyone just love everyone for who they are and quit trying to get people to change? You love people for what’s inside. You take the good and the bad. No one is perfect, but they can be in your eyes. Faults are not bad. Faults are idiosyncracies. Why does hate exist? Who invented it anyway?
Why do people have to die for being different? Why did Matthew Shepard die? When did gay stop meaning happy? When did racial differences become a problem? Why does anyone ever think they are better than someone just because they are a different skin color? Why do people live up to stereotypes? It almost seems intentional sometimes. Why do we have a predetermind image of people in our minds and even when they don’t turn out that way, we still think of them that way? (did that make sense..?)
What happened to family? Family dinners? What happened to having a good relationship with your parents? Why did divorce come about? Why would you marry if you weren’t 100% sure that this was the person you wanted to be with for the rest of your life?
Why is there pain and suffering? I want to just shut off the world, and isolate myself and be alone and not see all the hurt. People are hurt everyday. People die everyday. And no one cares. “Get over it” is probably the most common phrase…. It’s hard to just “get over” the fact that people all over the place are dying and yet we are doing nothing to stop it?
Hunger, famine, disease…. all these plauges, and yet we do nothing to stop it. All society can do is make things faster, or bigger, or better… when we could be saving people.
Life is not frivolous. One day it’s going to be gone. I’m scared for that day. I know it isn’t for a good 80 or so years, but still. What happens when we die? Is there really a heaven? Is there really a God..?
Is anything real? Or is it just perceptions? People always says “come back to reality,” But what is reality? It’s different for each and every person. Things that are real to me may not be real to anyone else. Is anything ever still? Or is the entire world caught in a never-ending spiral of change? Is change bad? Is it good? Is it both? Is it neither?
Why is everything the way it is? It doesn’t, I repeat DOES NOT, have to be this way. We are in control of our own destinies. We determine who we are, and how we react, and what we do… Maybe I should take my own advice…. but do we really control that? Or is it just all impulses in our brain that make us act the way we do?
What cause me to write all this? If anyone has any guesses, let me know, cause I sure don’t. I just let my hands take over.. they worked independantly from the brain.. can that even happen? I better stop before I write 10 more pages.. not like I have anything else to do tonight.
Does anyone want to go out? Just call me….. anybody….?
I feel like the song “Learning to Fly”…. I want to fly.. I want to spread my wings….
“my sole intention is learning to fly… condition grounded, but determined to try.. can’t keep my mind from the circling skies.. tongue tied and twisted, just an earthbound misfit…”
Some good old Pink Floyd.. they always have the answers to everything.
Sorry to everyone who has to read that… If you make it this far, congrats! I’ll give you a pat on the back next time I see you… If you didn’t make it this far, shame on you for not wanting to read all Andrew had to say, because it was very important to him…
I should go.. I’m going crazy…
Ok, it’s a few hours later now… ummm, I am saddened because of something I just saw on Chris’ site. For like the past 2 hours, I have just been reading all of Chris’ old entries. Don’t think I’m crazy, I just have nothing else to do and I find them very fascinating. With each entry, I feel that we are more and more alike. It’s kinda creepy.. Anyways, he says in this one and I quote “we also saw Purple shirt boy (me) and called him an asshole cause he is.” That makes me sad, I am upset that Chris (and Adam for that matter) used to think I was an asshole. Was I? I really don’t know.. I always used to think they were cute… *sigh*
Ok, back yet again, later in the night. I spent almost 3 hours online, and most of it was reading Chris’ thing. Do you think that makes me crazy? I don’t know who the “you” is, but whatever.
So today has just been the weirdest day. I feel very calm right now. It’s also been very dark. It hasn’t really been bright out in general, and the past few hours, I’ve been sitting in the corner where the computer is, with all the lights off and only the screen illuminated. It’s very odd.. I went in my room for like 2 seconds and turned on the light and I didn’t like it. I dont’ think I enjoy light. It’s from Publications.. we never turn the lights on and when we do, everyone bitches.. light must bring out the worst in me. On another note, I don’t think I have had such little contact with humans in a VERY long time as I had today. Usually I need other people.. I don’t like to be with just myself.. we don’t get along so well (here I go talking like I’ve got multiple personality disorder)… anyways, I just think it’s weird.. I’ve been very hermity today and not receptive to anything…simple tasks (working out) prove way too much today….
*sigh* This sucks. Have you (there I go again) ever wanted something, yet you know there is no way you can possibly have it? I’ve got that… and no it’s not David…. It sucks… argh.. some of you know what it is… it’s not important for others of you to know… who is this you?? grrr.. I’m gonna drive myself insane again.
I am listening to some very nice music from Xenogears…relaxing.. shower should be nice..
I haven’t taken one since Sunday.. yeah call me gross I don’t care anymore…

i want you to take the monkey feet outta the water

Ahh,another wonderful day of school. Anyways, yesterday was fairly boring. I got a low A on my Physics test, go me! Work sucked, I was FREEZING. Everyone was like “oh, you look cold” i was like thanks for noticing, now buy some damn hot wings! I did sell about 12 though, so it wasn’t too bad.
Skinny called. I haven’t talked to him for awhile. It was nice to know he’s still alive. We just talked about everything that was going on. It made me happy. I layed down on my bed and just listened to “Us and Them” and I felt relaxed. Well, semi-relaxed.
More on the Jenny saga: Today in Publications, she still didn’t say much, and when I said that I had talked to Skinny, she just went “Good for you.” Then after class, she scurried to the bathroom again. I want to confront her about it, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t see what I am doing wrong. I hate how I don’t even do anything to anybody, and yet I can still get people to hate me. It just doesn’t make sense.
I talked to Laura at work yesterday. We may go out Saturday night. She’s fun! I enjoy her.
I haven’t heard from David in forever. He called once and said that his phone “kept calling me.” Yet he also said he didn’t give his phone to anyone else, and he has a flip phone, so there is no way it could’ve called automatically. Then we talked for a little bit. We talked one other time after that, because I was feeling sad and I gave in and called him. He told me to call him sometime and I siad I was afraid to because he never seems to want to talk to me and he never calls me. He said it’s nothing personal and that he’s just really busy. I wanted to scream, “I BET YOU AREN’T TOO BUSY FOR NATE, YOU FUCK!” but somehow I contained myself. So I called him a few days later, and surprise surprise, no answer! I left a message, saying I hoped to hear from him soon. I also said “I love you”, which in retrospect, was probably not the smartest thing to do. It’s been a week, and has he called? Nope! I’m slowly but surely getting over the whole situation, except I’m afraid that I’m not really getting over it at all b/c I just avoid thinking about it and fill my mind with other things. But hey, whatever works. I don’t want to see him during the holidays. It will ruin everything I’ve been doing. Just like in the summer, when I was finally semi-OK with what was happening, then I had to go to the damn mall and see him and fall in love again. That better not happen again, or I’m gonna be mad. Grrr… he upsets me.
On another note, before I get too upset, I got my recommendation from Mrs. Every today. It was very very good. I really hope I get that scholarship. I felt special after reading all the nice things she had to say about me.
I need to start my experiment for Independant Study. I don’t even know what I’m gonna do. It’s too confusing. I’m supposed to see Mrs. Every after this block. I’ll be missing part of third, but it’s Physics, so it’s not like I give a damn. I’m already looking forward to the weekend. No work again!!! YAY!! I’m excited to hang out with Adam and Chris. Is that weird? I just enjoy them. Hopefully they are good by then, so we can all go out and have a jolly time!
Actually, I was reading Chris’ website the other day, and I was kinda shocked because it was like I was reading my own life up there on the screen. It was mostly about the fight between him and Adam. He thinks exactly like I do. He said something about hoping that Adam MIGHT leave the dance early to come see him, and then he was disappointed when he didn’t. Well, I would totally think the same thing if it was me. A lot of other things too, it was just weird to see how alike we can be from a relationship standpoint. Too bad I’m not in a relationship… I don’t even really want anything physical. I just want a guy to curl up with when I’ve had a bad day who will just hold me and tell me that everything’s alright and make me feel special and like somebody wants me. God, I’m such a loser…
Erin called yesterday. I was at work. She had a rough day. I miss her. I can’t wait until the summer, when she will hopefully come spend a week or so with me! That’ll be awesome, b/c I think she’s gonna rent a hotel room, then we can hang out and party and stuff! woohoo!
Anyways, my Pop-Tarts are calling out to me. I’d better go eat them and then go to sleep until the bell rings.