Oct 16, 2000

Afternoon Monday October 16, 2000. well today hasn’t been very good. finally

got our chem test back…got a “d” on it….damn. also failed my

last homework assingment. fuck this shit i hate chemistry. i’m going to go

in and talk to the pro tomorrow. i can’t beleive i got a “d” on

it i thought i did so good. o well. well i am finally caught up on my chem

assingments though that’s a good thing even though i probobly failed all of

them to. damn it i hate my life. well haven’t talked to danny yet today…that

sucks but he is normally on later in the evening so maybe i will still gat

a chance to talk to him. I’ve been looking at costs to fly out and see him

but it’s to damn expensie i would have to drive all the way to lincoln to

get the cheapest fares and that’s still $346.98 i can’t afford that at the

moment. well maybe some day i will get to see him..i still hanve’t got a pic

of him that makes me kinda pived. but i love him for who he is and not for

what he looks like..i think that brings a closer to each other…..even though

we are still thousands of miles apart. hmmm wonder when his spring break is.

maybe we could do a road trip and meet half way. i really need a job. i think

i need to take som eof that paxil stuff……i hate talkig to people……i

hate my life all together maybe i really am depressed. hmm I’m dignosing myself.

maybe i should go into psychology instead of computers…i like to help people.

well i thnk that is all for now.

Oct 15, 2000

Ok so it’s Sunday afternoon October 15, 200. And I’m sitting here ploding

through my chemistry assingment. I’m getting really fed up with it so I decided

to make a rants page. Well last week was coming out week (im gay incase you

didn’t know). So if i missed telling anyone….Happy Coming Out Week! Well

over that last couple days i have really been thinking alot about my life

and where i want it to go. I decided i have been spending to much time on

the internet so i am not going to get on AIM for a whole week. It’s going

to be hard but i know i can do it. Well i also had a nice chat with this guy

i know online. He’s bi and we have been talking for awhile now. And i have

really been touched by him so i asked him about it. We had a really nice descussion

about how we felt for each other and i feel that we are alot closer now then

we were before. We are now bf, bf. Isn’t that cool. i wished we lived closer

though. Damn. He’s really sweet and i love the way he talks it makes me laugh

(not his voice or anything, his personality). But the thing is we are really

opposites. but then they say opposites attract. God i really love him…i

hope we can meet some time. DAMN MSN. I hate evil empires. So yeah i got MSN

(and i got AIM too) just so i could talk to this guy (the one i just babbled

about) and it works but never when i want it to. NO SERVER AVALIBLE MY F***ING

ASS. o well. it will eventually work. I talked to him on the phone for like

two whole seconds. he has a really sweet voice. god the more i think about

him the more i hate my life. I have no REAL friends up here. I just don’t

fit in. i never really have fit in anywhere. maybe i need some drugs. o well.

Well i really hate chemistry. why do i have to take it? god it’s really so

easy but i can’t understand it….stochiometric conversions and stuff. really

so easy. i want to move to PA. i want to be with him. i want to talk to him

again but he won’t give me his phone number. why did he give it to nyrend

and not me? he has mine….he could call me….i think i will go out here

soon. why is SF so damn far away? and there is really nothing to do there.

hmm. why can’t i put more then one space here i can hit the space bar as much

as i want but it only allows one space in between anything how stupid. am

i obessing over him? i really like him he’s the only person that has touched

my heart and really known me for who i am. i didn’t start coming out of the

closet untill just this last week. i told my cousin and four of my friends

from home. they were all really supportive that was nice. but sill NO ONE

has really known me. i hate my life. why didn’t i just tell everyone back

when i was 12 years old when i first found out. DAMN I HATE LIFE. i need some

drugs. am i OK? god it’s 1:30 in the afternoon and i’ve been up since 9:00

and i haven’t left my room yet. how sad is that. I need a job…..but i don’t

want one. but then who does want one? maybe i will go find one today.