Dec 5, 2000

it’s dec 5 a little after 6:00. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

end of semester, driving me NUTS. it’s tues. yeah, tues. usually a good day,

cause i have all easy classes, YEAH RIGHT, not today. well it started off

in matt class stupid mother fucking professor. the bastard. well he spent

the first 30 minuts of class lecutring us on how we are like 10 sections behind

for the final and how the final is on such and such day and how they are going

to split the classes up cause we are to big to fit everyone in the one auduatorium

that is in the SC. LIKE WE FUCKING CARE, THEY WILL TELL US WHEN WE GET THERE.

so yeah, the fucker wasted 30 minutes telling us about shit that we didn’t need to know. and then we were supposed to get through four sections today,

and we’ve got a test tomorrow at 7PM, can you believe that 7PM, fuck you.

but yeah, we were supposed to get though four sections today, we didn’t even

get through one, so you know what he did? he gave us 78 problems over the

four sections that we DIDN’T FUCKING GET TO. and they are due on Thurs. FUCK,

78 problems you know how much fucking HW i have in other classes to fucking

get done. god damn it. and then we have a test tomorrow for that class that

we have to go to and study for, MAN that guy is a fucking retart, he shows

up for class late, he never knows what he’s taling about, he put problems

on the board that even he doesn’t know how to solve, he’s never prepared.

he DOESN’T KNOW SHIT. he spend most of his day in the TC playing pool. AND

WE PAY HIM FOR THAT? I THINK NOT. he should be fucking preparing for the next

god damn class. well enough about math now on to BASIC. i hate that class.

it’s sooooooo fucking easy, but today, ARG. we are in these damn group projects

you know, ok. well i got stuck in a fucking group of people that have NO IDEA

what they are doing, so today we were doing the coding for this HUGE ass project

and today i was like well i’m not going to code, cause i’ve been doing all

of it. so i made this other guy sit there and code, well he has no fucking

clue what he was doing, so i just say there an dictated everything to him.

ARG. ok on a happy note. i talked to danny today, infact just got done talking

to him. i saked him if he would seriously consider meeting in person and he

siad he would then i put the hypothetical question to him, “what if i

said i was free from dec 26-jan11…” and he was like, “well i’m

going to be spending time with me family,” (i should have told him it

was hypothetical), “but ifi had my own place…..” and then we both

said we loved each other, it was the first time since that little problem.

i hadn’t realized it but i guess it was. how nice. i really do love him. he’s

sweet. o yeah, my mom called me last night at like 10 or so and i was like

damn it shouldn’t you be in bed. and i was all spacey cause i was busy else

where, i think she thinks there’s something wrong with me now. but o well.

but yeah she called cause she want’s be to go to philmont again next year,

i really don’t want to go. but yeah, and they also want me to help out at

summer camp for the troop. i don’t know how that will work out. i think my

PU’s are the only one’s stupid enough not to put the right ear/left ear thing

into play. but yeah i told her i was like, i really don’t want to go to philmont

again, and she was like well maybe you can take a training course, an unfortunally

she found one that would work for me, damn it. so now i don’t know how i’m

goint to get out of it. fuck. but yeah i really need a paying job for this

summer, i’m going to see about maybe trilogy systems i have to talk to greg

sometime, or maybe i can get an internship with allied or something i don’t

know, i would really LOVE to work at camp again, but that would require i

take the ear ring out cause people there will put one and one together and

figure it out. but yeah, i would really love doing that, i’ve been thinking

alot lately about where i’m going in my life and i’ve been thinking about

changing to a teaching major, it would be like computer science teaching stuff

like that, but i don’t think i could handle the private industry of computers,

and i really don’t want to go into anything else that i can think of, and

i love kids. and that’s something else i have been thinking alot about lately,

kids. you know when i come out to my G&G they are going to be like “WHAT

NO GREAT GRANDCHILDREN” and i’ll never fucking hear the end of that;

so i’ve been thinking about weather i would want to adopt when i find the

right man to spend my life with, and i think maybe i have found him. but i

really think i would want to adopt. i love kids and this last summer at camp

has really made me realize that. and i really wish that i would be able to

go back there and work again, but unfortuanaly the people in out council are

realky uptight about this whole gay thing, the bastards. BOFH is cool. so

i’ll go back to work now i have like three papers to write and then all that

damn math to do. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Dec 4, 2000

well it’s dec 4 about 4:30 or so. today’s been pretty good, i finally got

around to answering my aunts e-mail. i just said some short things here and

there, kinda explainging where i thought i was going with stuff. all that,

and i got a reply back from here. pretty good as far as things go there. I’ll

have to reply to her yet again. it’s getting kinda annoying (takes to much thought), but o well, hehe. danny says that QaF was really good, i so want

it now. DAMN IT why do i have to live in the middle of now where, where we

don’t get showtime. fuck it. other then that today’s been pretty uneventfull.

my classes sucked today, i so could have skipped my first class, and slept

some more, i need some more sleep, hehe. and then in speech he just babbled

yet again. it’s really starting to get old. YEAH, classes will be over soon.

so that’s good. yeah, all’s good. life still sucks, but all’s good. I’m going

to go finish my paper now, so bubye.

Dec 3, 2000

well it’s dec 3rd. it’s 11:00 am i’ve been up since 7 this morning but didn’t

get out of bed tell 10 or so. there are like two people sleeping on the floor,

so i was like well they’ll be getting up soon but they didn’t so i just got

up and walked around them, they’re stll sleeping, along with my roomie, and

i think his gf is here too. arg. i hate when they do this. it’s like damn

it it’s my fucking room to,. well enough about that. the last two days have

been pretty good. i got to talk to danny alot, he’s spending time away from

his friends as he put it. sounds like a good idea to me. lol. found out some

pretty cool stuff, i guess he lived in Puerto Rico fro like 7 years before

mocing here, that’s pretty cool, and he’s looking at colleges out there in

PA. that’s sad, cause if i end up in SDSU i won’t be able to see him at all.

there’ld be no way i could drive out there but yeah he’s really sweet, i want

a damn pic of him though damn it. well i got caught up on my algerbra, i think

i’ve got a test on wed at like 7 or so, i don’t want to take it, but it’ll

help my grade (it’s not a required test, hehe). so yeah, these jerks are all

here in my room, and i have a really loud clacky kjeyborad, i hope it wakes

them up hehe, cause i type really hard and with an annoying random style,

it’s sounds pretty coo.. hehe. but other then that i can’t this oof anything

that’s been going on round here. been pretty good these last two days or so.

well i’m going to go off to lunch now, hopefully these dorks will be awak

by the time i get back. damn them, the fuckers. i want to listen to the radio

and i can’t cause they are all sleeping. o well. time for food………well

i stayed in the cyber cafe from about 11:30 tell 3:00 i was watching the webcam

of the room to see when they finally got up. so when they left i came back.,

my roomie is really rude, i can’t beleive that he would just show up with people, ARG. damn it, i can’t wait to get the hell out of this damn place.

I WANT TO GO TO SDSU. now. hehe, o yeah i was talking to danny last night

and he said that he might be going to cali for school to, that would be cool

if we ened up in the same state. yeah. he’s got a pretty cool history too,

he lived in puerto rico for like 7 yeras, that pretty cool. i love him so much, he’s perfect. everything i am looking for, he’s sweet, smart, loves

kids. he’s so great. but the thing is that we are complete opposites. he’s

Mr popular, jock boy. and well you know me. we’ve been talking alot this weekend.

i mean alot. he’s so nice. ok enough of my babbling. WOW three updates in

one day i must be damn bored. well i just got this e-mail from my aunt, i

told her in a round about way about everything. i don’t know if i said anything

about it before, but after the whole t-day excitment she wrote a sympathitic

letter to me, and i was like, well i guess she knows, now she’s just waiting

for me to confirm, so i did in a round about way. and today i got anouther

e-mail from her. here i’ll just copy and paste it:

First things first. No problem answering the e-mail. Was

just gone from Friday Morning to Today. Did not even check e mail before we

left. So am not mad or been trying to figure out what to say, just wasn’t

home. Sorry if that caused any undo stress. Is that the correct term? Trial

by fire? Well, it certainly does explain a lot of things about your family

and their reaction to everything!!!!!!!!!! Would be nice to be able to come

out and say it without having to worry about what reaction everyone is going

to have. I guess in that respect, everyone in the family should be more like

me!!!!!!!! That’s not something that I thought would ever be said by anyone

in this family, especially me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s just hope that everyone

is enlightened enough that they know that they can’t “change” you. Grandma

wanted to do that to Beckie when she found out that she was going to be left

handed. She kept putting her silverware on the right and making her change

hands. You know, you thought about this a lot more than me, cause when Beckie told me about the earring, I never thought about the left ear. right ear thing.

I guess I thought that was soooooooooo olllllllllllllddddddddddddddddd it

didn’t matter anymore. So the entire speech still stands. Like what you are

doing with your life, must have been a HELL of a childhood and you have some

difficult times ahead of you. You are on the right path, you think clearly

and know your own mind, so when it all comes out, keep your chin up and your

heart sheilded. I’m sure that there will be some dumb things said and done,

but they will come from Love. Believe it or not (even Dr. Phil said this on

Oprah the other day) Pain comes from Love. When you love someone and they

hurt you, they lash out in pain and frustration. That will be Grandma lashing

out, when she says dumb things like Oh no! or Chris this means no grandchildren.

etc etc. Just a thought, so what do you think of boy scouts now????????? Still

Love Ya, still like the haircut. Still think you are a studly young man. What’s

not to love???????/ Call / write anytime. On your side, no matter what. LOVE

YA Sheila

so yeah, i don’t really know what to do about that. I’ll give it some time

to plod around, i’ll get to it latter tonight, i guess. maybe after i talk

to d and kim. ok well that’s the end of my story, i’m going to go and do something,

i guess, i don’t know what. WOW a fourth update today. well i just got done

talking to danny, i love him. well we were talking about Big city life compared

to small stiy life. i was really happy when i was talking to him but now,

i’m just really depressed. i feel like i missed so much in living in a small

town all my life, i never really had any real friends like he does. and it

just really depresses me about how people in the big city have so much more,

they have bigger school, with more diversity, and more oppertunities. I feel

like i was deprived of my life. i want to move to a big city, now that i’m

in college. I’m in an even smaller city, and even farther from everything,

i don’t really like the poelpe here. i don’t get along with them, but when

like danny and i talk we just click, i think. i want to move to the big city.

the BIG city. i even sounds like a country boy. fuck this shit. i want to

go, go now. you don’t know how badly i want to just get in the car and drive

out there to see him. i so want to so badly. I’m so depressed, i think i need

some drugs. I think i might have social anxiety disorder too, huh, i think

i’ve said that before, haven’t i. well this has been one long ass update for

tonight, i think i’m done now. maybe, maybe not.

Dec 1, 2000

Well it’s Dec 1st, world aids day, did everyone wear thier red ribbon? well

so wierd things happened last night. i went to bed about 11 like normal, but

i just couldn’t get to sleep. everything that’s happened to me over the last

couple months was just racing through my mind. i think the thing that set

me off was to find out that matt has been dissin me. I’ve sent him four e-mails

and he hasn’t replied to a one. not a single one, and one of them was telling

him to have a happy holiday and that shit. you could at least repsond to that

and say thanks or something, but NO NOTHING. o well i deleted him off my buddies

list last night,and got rid of all the info from “GCCI” if that’s

even a real corp. i deleted everything, if he decides he wants to talk to

me fine, he can contact me. damn it i really liked talking to him and stuff.

he’s a nice guy to talk to. he’s got everything going for him, a rich uncle,

a bf, great student, a good job. i wish i could have had even one of those.

somepeople are just so lucky. he was a really sweet guy to talk to. but apperantly

he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. he’s made that quite clear. well back

to the original story, i laid there in bed for like 30 minutes just thinkging

about everything, my life, school, jobs, where i’m going in life, everyone

i talk to on the internet. everything. well i just couldn’t take it anymore

so i got up and went for a jog. i was out for an hour, it was snowing it was

soo nice, no one was out. it was a beuatiful night. well i got back here a

little after midnight and then went and took a nice HOT shower. then i came

back in and wrote danny a big old long huge e-mail. it had nothing that would

be of concern to him, but i needed to tell someone, and he was there. so i

did it. i’m kinda regretting it now. but hopefully he will be ok with it all.

then i finally went to bed about 3 this morning, but i didn’t get to sleep

tell sometime after 5 so i’m worling ona bout 3 hours of sleep, not good for

me, not good at all. we had classes as normal today, even though we have a

bout 3 inches of fresh snow on the ground, the local school’s were all canceled,

why can’t they cancel college? I’m really depressed these last couple days.

i think i need some drugs, wonder who i would talk to here on campus to get

some. huh, maybe i should find out.

Nov 30, 2000

well it’s Nov 30, so far i’ve kept my promise on keeping this

updated, so far. well today has been pretty hectic, and stuff. lets start

with this morning. well i’ve been putting together some stuff for world AIDS

day, tomorrow, and i hadn’t been able to find anybody with lots of brochures,

but this morning the red cross here in town called me and said they got some

in so that made my life easier. and then i went to math, o god i hate math.

our professor is sooooooo fucking stupid. we are supose to be on section 5.5

for the final, well we now have 6 class periods left and we are still on 3.5

we are never going to make it. and he keeps babbling about shit that we don’t

need to know, it royally pisses me off. and i haven’t done an assingment in

that class for like every, since 2.5 or so, so i have 10 assingments to catch

up on. and then i have three speeches to give on the same day Dec 13, that’s

going to suck, but thank god two of them should be pretty easy to get done

we are in groups so i can pawn most of the work off on the other group members,

but one of them hasn’t ever been to a meeting and it’s just me and him in

the group, so i think i will end up doing all the work there. o well. and

then i have to write a speech on the discrimination policies of the BSA. it

should be pretty easy but the professor is such a bitch there. i gave a DAMN

good speech last time and he gave me a “C” he said it need to be

more extemporaneous, DAMN IT, that bitch, i worked fucking hard on that and

everyone i’ve talked to said that i should have gotten an “A” on

it. fuck him, i hate teahers. and i have a BUT load of other shit to do. i

don’t know when i’ll get it all done. the roomie is having like a bunch of

people over this weekend, so i probobly won’t be able to concentrate here.

his gf is so fucking annoying at times she talks so fucking loud. but she’s

nice to talk to. o well. i’ll get it done some time. umm lets see what else

has been happening. well i talked to danny again today, i remember why i loved

him so much. i asked him why he started talking to me again after so long.

he said, “its i felt that you needed to not talk to me for a while”

i think it’s all kinda fishy yet, but i love him. and he knows it. everytime

he leaves i’m kinda depressed now. but when i talk to him i get kinda nervous

now, i start shaking really bad, like i’m cold but i’m not. i want to meet

him in person, or at least see a pic, can you believe that i haven’t even

seen a pic of him yet. o well i love him. well i missed talking to kim last

night. don’t know what was up, but i really needed to talk to her. maybe that’s

why i haven’t been updating this, i tell her all my problems, then i don’t

feel like i need to get it out, so i don’t bother with this. o well, i love

her she’s so nice. maybe i should stop bitching at her abot all my problems.

huh. i have this website due tomorow, i think i got it all working, this is

the last thing for it. you know i really hate that class, i could have taught

it. i don’t see why they wouldn’t let me CLEP out of it. the fuckers. it’s

such a waste of time, and damn M$ isn’t back wards compatible so i have to

go use a lab computer, i hate lab computers they never work right, either

the mouse is sticky or the keys are broken or somthing. but o well i get my

work done, i used to use staroffice for it all, but it can’t do some of the

stuff that the book makes us do on these PPT things. huh, there was something

i wanted to bitch about when i started but now i forgot. o well. that’s all

for now, maybe if i remember i’ll update again.