April 11, 2001

april 11. so last night sherri called here looking for aaron, my roomie,

and i was like, wtf are you doing calling at like 6 in the morning, and she

was like, it’s not 6. and i was like, well wtf time is it, so i looked at

my clock and it was only 11. i was like, omg, it sooooo felt like it was 6.

oh well. maybe i should have gotten up then, cause yeah, i missed my alarm

this morning. lol. it’s raining today, it’s so nice. i like the rain. i only

have today and tomorrow then i go home for a four day weekend, yucky, i really

don’t want to go home. maybe i’ll go and spend the time at my G&G’s or

i could wire the house, i’ve been meaning to get that done for a while. i

should also install Win2k on the machine downstairs, that way when i do get

the house wired, that will be ready, and i’m liking this Win2k thing, my computer

has now been up for 4 day, 44 minutes, and 31 seconds. yay for that, eh. it’s

cool, i’m going to leave it up this weekend too, just to see if it makes it.

i’ve got battery backup on it, that’ll last 30 minutes if the power goes out,

and it’ll shut itself down too if the battery gets to low, so yeah, that’s

all cool. So a while ago i had to swtich website tracker things, and yeah,

i’m not liken the one that i’m using now, thier site is always fucking down,

the bastards. oh well, i’m sures as hell not uploading all 219 html files

that are on this site again, just to fix that one minor thing. i currently

have 8,936 e-mails, yeah, lol. i’ll break the 9,000 mark soon. hehe. i’m bored.

April 10, 2001

April 10 #3. so i started packing shit up today. i didn’t realize how much

shit i brought up here, and how much of it haven’t even used. i took a ton

of stuff out to my car already, i’ll get the rest of it on thursday when i

leave for break. i’m packing alor of the stuff i don’t use so that way when

it comes time to leave i don’t have as much stuff to pack all at once. i hate

packing so i do it in small incruments (sp). like i started packing to move

up here way back in june, but then i was gone most of the summer to so i had

to start that early, or else i would have forgotten something that i really

needed, lol. it’s a nice day out, i love spring, but i’m just so down right

now, without danny, not really knowing what i want in life, where am i going

in this world. what’s my summer going to be like, how do i tell my parents,

when do i tell them, some much is just going trough my head. i want to come

out. i want to, but at the same time i don’t want to lose the scouts, or scouting.

i’ve lived on scouting. my whole life circle around scouting. scouting events

come before everything else. hell i missed a lot of band stuff cause i was

in scouts. i missed alot of other stuff cause i was busy with scouting stuff.

it really means so much to me, but i want out of this damn closet that’s ripping

me apart by hiding in it. ya know, part of my plan of moving up here was to

come out to people here, but then i moved in and found out my roomie is a

fucking boy scout, so i can’t comeout here, because i want to keep scouting

in my life, at least partially. if i were booted from the scouts, i would

fucking die. i don’t know what i would. but i really wouldn’t be happy. i

know there’s the campfire kids, and the ymca, both accept gays, and such,

but i don’t want them, i want the scouts. DAMNIT. it’s going to rain, i like

the rain, it’s so peacefull and romantic. i love to just sit in a tent late

at night when it’s raining and listen to it hit the tarps around me. it’s

so relaxing. this summer better be damn good. it will be my last as a scouter.

April 10, 2001

April 10, #2. Tables fuck everything up:

Resica

Falls
Mitigwa,

Staff**
Mitigwa

Area Director**
Weeks:
10
10
10
Hourly

Pay
$.56#
$1.83*
$2.75*
Total

Pay/Day
$13.57^
$28.49*
$42.81*
Total

Pay/Week
$95
$200*
$300*
Total

Pay/Season
$1,200

w Bonus^
$2,000

w/o Bonus*
$3,000

w/o Bonus*

* Mitigwa’s pay is estimates based on what I know about their pay schedule

and what they quoted me on the phone. Hourly pay figured on last years contract

quoted 109 hrs/wk.

** The reason there’s two numbers for Mitigwa is that they gave me the option

of two jobs. One as a staff member and one as an Area Director (the higher

paid one). They said that I would most likely get the Area Director, but if

they don’t get my application in on time I would just be a staff member.

^ These are figures quoted in the contract as the daily and seasonal pay.

Total Pay/Season w/o Bonus $1,000.

# I used the contract to find the nubmer of hours per week worked (148 hrs/wk)

and figured back to the hourly pay and the weekly pay.

April 10, 2001

april 10. today’s pretty shitty too. yeah, life sucks at the moment. i need

out of here. i should be studying for that test in government that’s over

300 pages in the book, but i really don’t want to. i’ve got a test in accounting

on tues, the day after we get back, the bastards. oh well it’s earlier then

normal so it shouldn’t inturupt to much. i went jogging last night and i think

i pulled something, i’m in so much fucking pain right now. my asthma was really

acting up last night to. i should get that looked into. i did once, a long

time ago, but i never took the meds, cause it didn’t bother me any, but now

it’s starting to get pretty bad. i didn’t even make a quarter mile before

i had to stop and rest. i dunno. i need to do alot of things, but i never

get them done. i talked to j

again last night. he’s pretty cool i guess. i think he’s pretty closed minded

then, he didn’t really want to classify himself though, so yeah. i dunno.

i was going to actually talk to him this morning, but i haven’t seen him all

day. i really want to talk to danny though. as julian

put is "much boy confusion." at the moment. crosswinds really needs

to get fixed soon this is pissing me off. i have so much to do right now.

i officially sent in my rejection of the job offer yesterday, it was really

hard for me to do it. my parents are just bieng such ass holes about it all

and stuff. it’s like. they were all supportive about my wanting to take the

offer and go work out there, but then i got that other offer there at mitigwa,

and they told my G&G about it, and my grandma is just nuts about her precious

little grandchildren leaving the state. and yeah, i think she’s behind most

of it, but i don’t know, as long as if i get into college out there, they

let me go, that’s what i really want. "Current Status: Your application

has been received and is being reviewed. Thank you for applying to Penn State."

yeah, it’s been received, they better get back to me damn soon though, or

i’m going to be pissed cause i have to get all that shit filled out and soon.

i also have to do the whole housing crap and yeah, man i got so much to do

right now. it’s tuesday.

April 9, 2001

april 9, #2, so danny called tonight, just for like a couple mibnutes, it

was so good to hear his voice. i love his voice. but you know what really

sucks about this whole thing, it’s that saturday, this saturday is our 5 month

anniversiary and we won’t be talking. we’ll be apart on our 5 month ann. this

really sucks. damnit. right now i need him in my life more then ever, everything

is just ripping me apart from the inside. i don’t want to go home this weekend,

i really really don’t, damnit. i want him to be here, right now i need him,

but he’s not here. i wish he were more open about things to. someitmes i just

feel like he’s down, but he doesn’t talk about it. i wish he would talk to

me about some of these things, i love him, i want to be there for him when

he needs me, and i wish he were he where i need him. and i need him now. but

he’s not here. i’m so sad right now. i just want to cry.<