April 10, 2001

April 10 #3. so i started packing shit up today. i didn’t realize how much

shit i brought up here, and how much of it haven’t even used. i took a ton

of stuff out to my car already, i’ll get the rest of it on thursday when i

leave for break. i’m packing alor of the stuff i don’t use so that way when

it comes time to leave i don’t have as much stuff to pack all at once. i hate

packing so i do it in small incruments (sp). like i started packing to move

up here way back in june, but then i was gone most of the summer to so i had

to start that early, or else i would have forgotten something that i really

needed, lol. it’s a nice day out, i love spring, but i’m just so down right

now, without danny, not really knowing what i want in life, where am i going

in this world. what’s my summer going to be like, how do i tell my parents,

when do i tell them, some much is just going trough my head. i want to come

out. i want to, but at the same time i don’t want to lose the scouts, or scouting.

i’ve lived on scouting. my whole life circle around scouting. scouting events

come before everything else. hell i missed a lot of band stuff cause i was

in scouts. i missed alot of other stuff cause i was busy with scouting stuff.

it really means so much to me, but i want out of this damn closet that’s ripping

me apart by hiding in it. ya know, part of my plan of moving up here was to

come out to people here, but then i moved in and found out my roomie is a

fucking boy scout, so i can’t comeout here, because i want to keep scouting

in my life, at least partially. if i were booted from the scouts, i would

fucking die. i don’t know what i would. but i really wouldn’t be happy. i

know there’s the campfire kids, and the ymca, both accept gays, and such,

but i don’t want them, i want the scouts. DAMNIT. it’s going to rain, i like

the rain, it’s so peacefull and romantic. i love to just sit in a tent late

at night when it’s raining and listen to it hit the tarps around me. it’s

so relaxing. this summer better be damn good. it will be my last as a scouter.

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