Entries on and for Chris

7:10PM – “Entries on and for Chris”

Ok, so real quick, stupid nasty boy I went out with last week orwahtever just IMed me and I definitely picked not to accept it. Oh, I am such a bitch.
Thursday night Chris came down to hang out. I called him on break to see if he wanted to… I wanted him to, but I didn’t think he would, so I was just trying to be sly and cute about it. I’m not sure it worked, but either way, he came down. He claims I forced him, but I didn’t. Though I did feel bad when we got off the phone, cause I wasn’t really sure he wanted to.

We hung out at JJ’s most of the night, and that was really cool. Ran into Betsy, said “YOU DIDNT SEE US!” and then they were off and we went to the Skywalks. We just walked around, and talked and got lost and it was really fun. THe whole time I just wanted to kiss him… which confuses me.

I’m confused b/c I don’t know what I can and cannot do. Am I allowed to kiss him? I don’t know! And since I don’t know, I usually just leave it up to him to choose what will be done. I feel since he is the one freshly out of a relationship, he should be calling the shots here… I’m not sure if that is right or not….

Anywyas, we had a good talk about making friends and me moving and other random shit. I know Chris would be able to make friends, but he seems so insecure! I can understand where he is coming from though. I always try to boost his self-confidence so that he will go out and make friends. Of course, everythign I tell him is the truth. Lying won’t ever have anythng good come of it. So we talked some more, andthen I needed to go b/c I had to pack and then get ready for bed since I was getting up eary for Cali.

We went outside, and I got a kiss! I was totally wanting one all night and I finally got one! It was really sweet, and like Chris said in his journal, I really wanted to kiss more, but we couldn’t really… and his breath wasn’t bad at all 🙂 hehe.

He mentioned in his journal that he may feel intimidated by me if we enter into a relationship. I wish that wasn’t the case. He mentioned feeling fat, and I wish he wouldn’t fee that either! I don’t think he’s fat at all! Chris, you are not fat!

Cali was ok, I thought about Chris a lot, and I missed him a lot.

We talked a few times, and I started to feel bad b/c I Thought I called him too many times. But one time, just as I was leaving the Great Indoors, he called me. He said he just wanted to say that he really missed me and couldn’t wait until I came back. That made me SO happy, I was smiling for a few hours after that. He mentioned he thought I sounded surprised… and I Guess I was, I didn’t expect him to do that, which just made it all the more sweet. I wanted to say more to him, but we were in the car with my mom and I felt weird.

I called him later on, just to say goodnight. Now it was my turn to feel stupid. I kinda just wanted to hear his voice again…. yeah, I know I’m freaking retarded. So I called… and I Felt so dumb for calling so often. But I really did wanna tell him goodnight, and had I been in Des Moines, we would’ve spent the whole night together (Which I WISH I could’ve done, b/c I did nothing in Cali!) so I figured I’d be saying goodnght to him there, and there was no reason I should’nt just b/c I wasn’t in the same state as him. OK, that sounds really dumb, I just wanted to fucking call him ok??? And I can do whatever I want!!!

*whew*

So next day (today, it feels like a new day, I’ve been up too long) I finally came home! I was so excited, all day on the plane (In between sleeping that is) I just thought about Chris. I wanted to hug him so bad, and I *really* wanted to kiss him and just be there with him. I finally got home and went over to Adam’s… three of us, AWKWARD! I just wanted to kick Adam away and kiss Chris. Of course, I didn’t and the way Adam looked as he was driving away indicated that he wasn’t very happy that Chris and I were planning on hanging out.

So we hung out and didn’t really do much. Drove random places, talked about random things. Wanted to kiss him the whole time, but kept myself under control. Eventually we didn’t know what to do. He said if I didn’t think of anything, I was going home and so was he. I wanted to scream, “Just take me with you, let’s go to Polk City and cuddle and be sweet and hold me!” Anywyas, I think what I mustered out was “FINE.” lol. So I went home… I wanted a kiss.

I didn’t get one.

I understand though. I spent most of the time home upset, and wondering why he didn’t kiss me. I did get a cheek kiss and when I went to kiss him (yes, I finally got some balls and was gonna do it) I got a cheek from him. It upset me…. but now I understand… Adam’s house, etc.

But still… I wanted my kiss dammit!

Chris said that his cousin was talking about how there were “sparks” between us and stuff and to go for it and she’s apparently really an advocate for Andrew & Chris: The Couple. Which is cool, at least someone wants it besides us! Not like it mattesr what other people think.. but yeah.

Chris and I need to talk . He indicated that on his journal, and it would probably be a good thing. But I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to come off as “creepy” b/c I REALLY REALLY care for him…..IMMENSELY. More than most people know…..

How could I not? This crush is in its 8th month… For the past 8 months, I have longed and wanted and hoped to be with Chris. I feel I’m close now.. I am finally so close….
I’ll do something to fuck it up. Because I always do. And I always will. I can so easily fuck things up, it is uncanny.

I pray that I don’t. I just wanna be with him and be happy.
Sometimes I Feel like such a loser.

Well, now to ship this one out!

Current mood: confused
Current music: the furnace

And now…

We return you to regularly scheduled programming…

So the point of the silence…

I broke up with Adam. And that’s all that I have to say about that. No offense, but the feelings/what’s going on with that will still be mostly in private entries and as things get better more things will go here.

Anyways, Friday night Adam came over, we ate food and watched the DUMBEST movie ever. It was mildly amusing, but overly stupid. It’s called “The New Kid” and it’s so wierd. Eh. Overall annoying night because my mom wouldn’t go to bed. After Adam left I talked to her and my week that I was planning on taking off this summer and going traveling with friends is the SAME week that the family is planning a trip to Alaska, so that means I must go. 🙁

I mean, I REALLY REALLY want to go to Alaska, but not with the family. If we do what my mom wants to, it’ll be fun but I HATE the way that my dad travels. If things happen the way that he wants to I don’t want to go. I’ll just take what they would have spent on me and travel with myself.

Saturday I got up at 8:30, and went to Perry. I was there at 10, when I was supposed to be, but Beak and Shiela weren’t. They had to go all the way to Waukee to get the damn U-haul. They didn’t get back tell 11. We got things packed up and were ready to leave by 12:30. Beak also has a lot of work out stuff that she’s going to let me use, one’s like an elliptical machine, I’m excited… Hopefully next weekend I can pick it up from her and get all hot and buff and shit. lol.

Back to what I was talking about, we got her all moved in and shit. We were done with that by 2. Janell brought lunch. We drove this CREEPY Chris guy back to Perry, but he wouldn’t go home and followed us back to Beak’s. I stayed there tell like 10 cause he wouldn’t go away. He also insisted on buying us supper. He was very creepy and I didn’t like him. Nor did Beak.

Got home about 11ish and talked to mum some more about random things. Went to bed about 1am (that’s after setting clocks ahead). Couldn’t sleep because I had alot on my mind.

Awoke this morning about 9:30, but didn’t really want to get up, so I thought and made up sexy day dreams and shit. roflol. Finally got up about 10:30 showered, and then read more of Fast Food Nation. (EVERYONE MUST GO READ THIS BOOK. Perhaps I just really like it because I’m a business man, but it’s a good eye opening book.)

Adam called about 1ish and I went over there to see him. Fixed his computer and stuff. Andrew showed up about 3ish, and Adam went to work shortly after that.

Andrew and I went out and had a pretty good time. I dropped him off about 5:30 and came back to Ames….

Now I’m here.

Now I’m gone!

Andrew’s Back

So Andrew left Friday morning, and by noon I was already missing him. Even though I normally wouldn’t have even seen him tell like 8 that night. Luckly it started snowing in Ames, so I had an excuss to call him. So I did. We got to talk for a while about things, and that was cool.

By Saturday I was really missing him. He called and we talked for a while just after he got out of the lunch thing. Then he called later whilst Beak and the gang were at Wal-Mart and we talked for like 15-20 minutes. After that I called him back and told him that I missed him, I think it kind of surprised him, and afterwards I felt kinda stupid for calling him just to tell him that. Like I had told him too much.

That was the last I talked to him until later that night, I was surprised to see that he was calling me again. He was just calling to say that he was getting ready for bed, and he said that he missed me too. That made me feel so much better, to know that he felt the same way. Although, of course me being Queenie McNegativity, I couldn’t help but feel that he was just saying it because I called him and said it. But we talked a bit more, and I really did feel like he meant it.

Today he came back and I couldn’t wait to see him again. He met me and Adam at Adam’s house about 3ish. Luckly we didn’t have to stay there long and Andrew and I left to go places, we went to MHM and then his house, and just drove around alot. It was really fun to hang out with him again, and _really_ good to see him again. We talked about all kinds of things again…

Eventualy it was time to go, I didn’t want to, but we were out of things to do, so eh, it was time to go. I parked next to his car (In front of Adam’s house.) We leaned in and hugged, but I really wanted to kiss him good bye, a real kiss goodbye. But I felt as though I shouldn’t. Even though Adam wasn’t home, I couldn’t kiss him infront of Adam’s house. So I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Again, it was one of those things that after it happened, you felt kind of stupid about doing it. But then he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek to, again making me feel better. After that we departed ways.

The whole way home I was debating as to what I want. Everytime I talk with someone I think I know, yesterday Beak and I spent hours talking about everything that’s happened. And said I should go for what I want, but I don’t want to feel like Andrew’s a rebound boy. Also I felt kinda stupid all the way home about kissing him and about wanting to actually give him a real kiss.

I also felt bad because I haven’t been giving out friendship it’s all lately, at least I don’t feel like I have been. Perhaps to try and give Adam his time that he’s asking for, perhaps because I don’t know what I want yet, or that I want to know that all feelings really are reciprocated. Hopefully I’ll get some time to talk with Andrew about how he’s feeling soon. The last week before he left so much happened between us and we didn’t really talk much about it all.

Anyways. In accordance with the rules, I must send this to Andrew. lol. So I’m going to end it all here and get it out to him.

Laters,

Cj B

Visit To JJ’s.

So last night was another GREAT night…

I was just planning on getting back from class, siting around and reading Fast Food Nation because I just haven’t been able to put it down yet. But Andrew called me whilst on his break and BEGGED me to come down, so I did… And I’m glad that I did too.

Got down there about 6:45, I knew Andrew wouldn’t be there tell after 7 sometime, but I had brought the book, so I sat around and read it tell he got there about 7:30. Once he got there we just sat around and talked in JJ’s. Ran into Betsy (sp?) and of course had to tell her our little disclaimer….”You DID NOT see us here!!” We just need a sign to put on the table, or carry around that says “YOU DO NOT SEE US!” lol

Talked to her some about the break up, apparently Adam had told her today. Good to see her again! I’m worried that she’ll blab to Adam though. I know it’s going to happen sooner or later, so I should figure out what I’m going to say here soon. lol.

After she left we just sat around and talked some more. Lots of random shit again. Got loud at JJ’s so we went to the sky walks and Andrew kept just flopping on the floor, so wierd. We got lost in 801 Grand, it was very scary cause we didn’t know where we were going!! And there were creepy people wearing those flower things you get… So crazy.

After that back to JJ’s where we talked about my insecurities and how I am when it comes to social situations and how he is. It was a good talk. We both have the conclusion that if Adam hadn’t been bothering me so much, I would have friends around Ames by now. lol.

We also talked very very briefly about how people are jealous of him. And honestly, I think that I’m one of the few people that’s friends with him, that isn’t jealous of him, or intimidated by him. I mean, most things that people are jealous of him for are things that I’ve had a chance in my life to do. Going to a good private school out of state, having money, being cute (ok, so I’m not that, but I’m not jealous of him for bieng cute, or sexy, or hot as a mother fucking hotest boi on earth. lol), being smart, etc. I’m honestly not jealous of him for any of that, his life and my life are so much alike really, he just started earlier.

However, if things keep going in the direction that they’ve been going, and we do end up in a relationship, I think that then I would feel a bit intimidated. Because, well it’s hard to explain, I think that I would then feel intimidated by his looks. Compared to him, I feel so fat, and I’m working on that, but it’s not going to go away before he does, which is sad. I know that he tells me so much that I’m not fat, and that really does make me feel special, but it’s just me being self-conscious. Anyways, enough of that topic…

We also talked about his teeth, which I found amusing because it was totaly random. Anyways, just FYI, Andrew, you just need more floride. Get a floride mouth wash… It’s marked as such! I use one because my teeth used to be the same way once they took off my braces, and they’ve gotten much better.

Lots of other random topics that I’d like to bring up, but I have to be getting to class here soon!

So we left about ten, and it was DAMN cold out since I had just worn my shorts and a t-shirt. We went out to his car and hugged, and then we kinda leaned back, and I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I didn’t know if I should. So I just leaned in and gave him a quick kiss… I would have liked to stay and kiss him some more, but it was so cold out and I knew that my breath probably was horrible. It’s so sad to see him go and I’m going to miss hanging out with him this weekend.

Alright, well lots more on my mind that I want to write about, but I really must leave for class now… LATERS!

A Day In Ames

Today was such a great day!

So I got outta school at 10:20 b/c it was early out day, so that was totoally cool. I worked out real quick, and I do mean REALLY quick, and then I went home.

I had made plans to hang out with Chris, since we weren’t gonna see each other this weekend. So I drove up to Ames, and met him at his apartment, where I gave him the two books he asked to borrow, plus a pic of me and him that Jenny gave me today. It’s really cute, at least I think so!

So then we went out to lunch at Great Plains, which had pizza, and it was really good. I bought Chris lunch b/c I’m just a good guy like that. We left and then went to campus. We just walked around there for a really long time, sat down and talked on the grass. We saw Ramsey, who Chris works with, and he’s hot! lol. I enjoyed him. THen we just did a lot of walking around, there were some really good looking guys around, so that was nice! However, there were definitely some unfortunate souls as well lol. We ran into Julian at the library and that was cool too, I haven’t seen him in such a long time!

Eventually, we made our way to Dairy Queen and I bought us ice cream. It was like a special, so no big deal. We ate it and that was fun.
We eventually made our way back to Chris’ apartment. He did tell me that next summer I Could live with him, instead of going to NJ. Which honestly seems like it could be a real possibility. He said I’d just have to pay for utilities (like 20 bucks a month) and then I would just have to find a job and get a car, and things would be good. And I bet with a bit of coaxing, I could stay in the bed! Hehe 🙂

So at his apartment is where things got interesting. We were wrestiling a lot, with Chris pinning me down, but only sometimes lol. Eventually, we somehow ended up with him sitting on the couch and me like laying down with my head in his crotch and he had his hands on mine. *sigh* So nice. We just talked and wrestled some more, and then we went into his room to play some music. We layed down on the bed together, and that was really nice. We were just laying there, I had my arm across his chest, and then we were just laying there. I told him I had a really good day (which I totally did, it was awesome!) andhe said he did as well. Then I kissed his cheek. Then we kinda just sat there, and I think we both knew what was coming. I am a bit surprised that he was the one who actually brought his lips up to mine. It was reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally nice. We kissed for a little bit. I asked if he was tired yet, b/c he always says he gets tired of that stuff…. he said no, I felt special. We kept kissing… it passed the time when I should’ve left to go see Trisha. I couldn’t leave… “I should probably go in a few minutes” Famous words lol. It was really really nice to kiss Chris again. It was really nice to be able to look at him and see him smiling back, even if it was only with one eye open 🙂 He is such a special guy. Eventually, much to my dismay, I had to leave. I really didn’t want to, especially when Trisha called and said she just wanted to go get ice cream for a short while.. I was like “I wanna stay with Chris!” and then I whined some more. We hugged goodbye, a nice long hug…. he kissed me again, I was beaming inside. And out as well, I’m sure. It was just soooooo wonderful, and it makes me not wanna go to Cali this weekend and just spend it all with Chris. Not to sound obsessive or anyhing, but I only have a limited time here and I want to make every minute count.

It was really good to kiss him. I don’t think I’ve said that enough. It was really sweet kisses…. not ‘let’s fool around’ kisses, which aren’t necessarily bad… but they aren’t something that needs to happen right now. These kisses are so…. gentle and caring.. I can really tell Chris cares about me. There is always that .0000001% of me that doubts…but I think Chris is sincere. He always has been in my experience.
*Sigh* I want to be with him! I don’t care if I have to keep it a secret…. Topher is what I want right now!

Anyways… I am thinking I’ll let him read this… but only if he lets me read his private one, which I am sure he wrote after today’s events!
Here’s to having a great day with Chris! *Raises glass* Cheer cheer!