7:10PM – “Entries on and for Chris”
Ok, so real quick, stupid nasty boy I went out with last week orwahtever just IMed me and I definitely picked not to accept it. Oh, I am such a bitch.
Thursday night Chris came down to hang out. I called him on break to see if he wanted to… I wanted him to, but I didn’t think he would, so I was just trying to be sly and cute about it. I’m not sure it worked, but either way, he came down. He claims I forced him, but I didn’t. Though I did feel bad when we got off the phone, cause I wasn’t really sure he wanted to.
We hung out at JJ’s most of the night, and that was really cool. Ran into Betsy, said “YOU DIDNT SEE US!” and then they were off and we went to the Skywalks. We just walked around, and talked and got lost and it was really fun. THe whole time I just wanted to kiss him… which confuses me.
I’m confused b/c I don’t know what I can and cannot do. Am I allowed to kiss him? I don’t know! And since I don’t know, I usually just leave it up to him to choose what will be done. I feel since he is the one freshly out of a relationship, he should be calling the shots here… I’m not sure if that is right or not….
Anywyas, we had a good talk about making friends and me moving and other random shit. I know Chris would be able to make friends, but he seems so insecure! I can understand where he is coming from though. I always try to boost his self-confidence so that he will go out and make friends. Of course, everythign I tell him is the truth. Lying won’t ever have anythng good come of it. So we talked some more, andthen I needed to go b/c I had to pack and then get ready for bed since I was getting up eary for Cali.
We went outside, and I got a kiss! I was totally wanting one all night and I finally got one! It was really sweet, and like Chris said in his journal, I really wanted to kiss more, but we couldn’t really… and his breath wasn’t bad at all 🙂 hehe.
He mentioned in his journal that he may feel intimidated by me if we enter into a relationship. I wish that wasn’t the case. He mentioned feeling fat, and I wish he wouldn’t fee that either! I don’t think he’s fat at all! Chris, you are not fat!
Cali was ok, I thought about Chris a lot, and I missed him a lot.
We talked a few times, and I started to feel bad b/c I Thought I called him too many times. But one time, just as I was leaving the Great Indoors, he called me. He said he just wanted to say that he really missed me and couldn’t wait until I came back. That made me SO happy, I was smiling for a few hours after that. He mentioned he thought I sounded surprised… and I Guess I was, I didn’t expect him to do that, which just made it all the more sweet. I wanted to say more to him, but we were in the car with my mom and I felt weird.
I called him later on, just to say goodnight. Now it was my turn to feel stupid. I kinda just wanted to hear his voice again…. yeah, I know I’m freaking retarded. So I called… and I Felt so dumb for calling so often. But I really did wanna tell him goodnight, and had I been in Des Moines, we would’ve spent the whole night together (Which I WISH I could’ve done, b/c I did nothing in Cali!) so I figured I’d be saying goodnght to him there, and there was no reason I should’nt just b/c I wasn’t in the same state as him. OK, that sounds really dumb, I just wanted to fucking call him ok??? And I can do whatever I want!!!
So next day (today, it feels like a new day, I’ve been up too long) I finally came home! I was so excited, all day on the plane (In between sleeping that is) I just thought about Chris. I wanted to hug him so bad, and I *really* wanted to kiss him and just be there with him. I finally got home and went over to Adam’s… three of us, AWKWARD! I just wanted to kick Adam away and kiss Chris. Of course, I didn’t and the way Adam looked as he was driving away indicated that he wasn’t very happy that Chris and I were planning on hanging out.
So we hung out and didn’t really do much. Drove random places, talked about random things. Wanted to kiss him the whole time, but kept myself under control. Eventually we didn’t know what to do. He said if I didn’t think of anything, I was going home and so was he. I wanted to scream, “Just take me with you, let’s go to Polk City and cuddle and be sweet and hold me!” Anywyas, I think what I mustered out was “FINE.” lol. So I went home… I wanted a kiss.
I didn’t get one.
I understand though. I spent most of the time home upset, and wondering why he didn’t kiss me. I did get a cheek kiss and when I went to kiss him (yes, I finally got some balls and was gonna do it) I got a cheek from him. It upset me…. but now I understand… Adam’s house, etc.
But still… I wanted my kiss dammit!
Chris said that his cousin was talking about how there were “sparks” between us and stuff and to go for it and she’s apparently really an advocate for Andrew & Chris: The Couple. Which is cool, at least someone wants it besides us! Not like it mattesr what other people think.. but yeah.
Chris and I need to talk . He indicated that on his journal, and it would probably be a good thing. But I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to come off as “creepy” b/c I REALLY REALLY care for him…..IMMENSELY. More than most people know…..
How could I not? This crush is in its 8th month… For the past 8 months, I have longed and wanted and hoped to be with Chris. I feel I’m close now.. I am finally so close….
I’ll do something to fuck it up. Because I always do. And I always will. I can so easily fuck things up, it is uncanny.
I pray that I don’t. I just wanna be with him and be happy.
Sometimes I Feel like such a loser.
Well, now to ship this one out!
Current mood: confused
Current music: the furnace