Iowa City Trip

2:47PM >

Ok, so time for the private update about what REALLY happened 🙂
WHen I thought that Adam was still going out with us, I Told him that I was
going to dinnr with Courtney so that I would have an excuse to go out with
Chris. So Chris and I met at Perkins and we ate and this girl working there
sassed off to him (“Excuse me, I believe you had PIE.”)Really funny.
Anyways, we just talked about stuff and about how Adam gets mad that we hang
out, but he always suggests that we do it… mixed signals!
So then we were waitng for Jenny to get us (Oh I just remembed, BOTH Chris
and I looked UBER hot yesterday… mmm mm!) and we talked a bit in the car.
“Us” talk. I told him that I was just wondering if he was wning something
further to happen, and he informed me that he did, which set my mind at ease
a bit. I mentioned how sometimes I feel uncomfortable around the situation,
but only b/c I’ve been friends for him for so long, that sometimes I feel
silly! But it isn’t a big deal. 🙂
So on the ride up, I had my hand in the backseat on his leg and he was
rubbing my arm and it was cute and stuff. Then on the way home, we both got
to ride in the back, even though JEnny was afraid we would make out lol. I
think she was kidding….THINK
Eventually, we started holdin hands in the backseat, and that was sweet, and
then Adam called us both and it was like GRR! It was funny b/c earlier in the
night, I said to Chris, “Watch, if we aren’t online by like 12 or so, Adam
will be calling, wondering where we are.” And lo and behold, he called right
around 12 or so. Funny shit. So Chris finally talked to him and he was short
with him and Adam got annoyed and blah blah blah. So then I was tired so I
just layed down and rested my head on Chris’ knee. It was totally sweet, he
kept bending down and giving me little kisses on my head and neck. I
melted…. I felt SO connected to him last night…. It was wonderful.
Eventually he just put his arm all the way around me and held me there, and
we kissed a few times, and I’m not sure how Dustin and Jenny felt about
that…. but they most likely would’ve objected if they had been upset.
Hopefully Dustin doesn’t go blabbing to Adam or anything. I was a bit shocked
that Chris was even ok with showing that kind of emotion in front of them, I
thought he wouldn’t. It just proved to me that he really does care and really
does like me! YAY! I really really enjoyed just laying there in his arms
though. I wanted to take a picture of us b/c I’m sure we were adorable, but I
thought Dustin might have been just a tad uncomfortable taking a pic of that,
considering the circumstances. It was ok though, I’m sure we’ll have plenty
of opportunities for cute pics! : )
When we left, it was sad, as it always is, and I didn’t want to say goodbye
to Chris. I was a bit wary as to whether we should kiss goodbye in the
parking lot at Perkins or not… But we did, and it was magical, and I was
sooooooo happy. I smiled the whole way home, even though I was dead tired.
Today he said he may get a chance to come over and see me in my tux. I hope
he does, b/c I wanna see him!But if not, we have plans to go out tomorrow
night to the dragshow and maybe we will even hang out before then, if he
wants to accompany me over to Skinny’s. So who knows.
At any rate, another wonderful night with Chris. I think it’s great how
nothing bad has happened yet! I dunno, it’s arunning theme in my
relationships to have something bad happen like once every few days. But
nothing’s happened with us yet…. I feel that we would fight very little if
we dated. That’s just my gut feeling. NOt like it matters, b/c fights
actually do build relationships and make them stronger. Well, anyways, I’m
gonna try to figure out something to do for awhile until I get ready for Prom
Perhaps I’ll daydream about Chris some
!Current mood: > enthralled
Current music: PMS– maryj blige

Ames, Again

I just wrote a whole great entry about how wonderful Chris is and how we had
such a great time yesterday and now its GONE ALL GONE!!!! THis is why I use
EasyJournal blah!
Ok here goes, minus the stupid stuff.
Went to Ames.
Watched a bad movie about Giant Bugs.
Went to eat at Chinese Buffet, Chris paid (so sweet), we were blargmonsters
and a half.
Almost threw up on the car ride home.
We started watching “traffic” Though I didn’t really want to watch. I get the
impression Chris didn’t either, but I am not sure. 🙂
Bah, Adam is a crazy face!
Anyways, he was holding me during the movie, and that was so sweet and nice
and I love having his arms around me. So we were kissing randomly during the
movie.
“What’s going on in the movie?”
“I don’t know.”
“Eh, its hard to concentrate when there isa hot boy on my couch.”
It was something like that, totally sweet and I’m sure I was blushing
horribly. We kept kissing, and it was so nice, and we smiled at each other
and his eyes looked at me with such compassion. *Sigh* Wonderful.
I’m at a loss for words. Imagine that. ME, at a LOSS for words.
What a guy.
We eventually moved to the bed, b/c I was getting a bit uncomfy on the couch.
We layed down and kissed some more, well we kissed a lot, and it was so
blissful. We kissed, we laughed, we talked, he did the ear thing, I swooned
lol. We didn’t really talk about what was happening between us, but you know
what, that’s perfectly ok. I enjoyed just savoring the time I had with him.
It was supreme happiness, and the only thing that ruined it was the fact that
I had to go home.
So I left… ok well, I tried to leave, we got up, kissed some more, I pushed
him down and got on him, we kissed some more, I got up, and we stood by his
bedroom door, kissed some more. At some point I finally got my shoes on.
We stood by the door and kissed some more (imagine that). It was REALLY
REALLY hard to go, I wanted to just stay and skip school and say “FUCK
EVERYONE I WANNA BE WITH CHRIS!” but alas, I left. I didn’t want to… I get
the impression he didn’t want me to either. Stupid school, it ruins
everything!
So I left, and thought about him and what happened the whole way home. I
wanted to tell everyone at school what happened…. but when people asked me
how Ames was, I just responded with a “yeah, it was really cool, we had a
good time” I know how to play it cool…
Speaking of playing it cool, Adam is a crazy psycho freak. He called me 2
times and Chris 3 times last night, freaking out b/c he didn’t know where we
were. We bothmade up good storiese though and he was pacified. But I swear,
if he asks Chris just one more time if we are going to Prom togther, I will
murder him in his sleep. THough I think GInny took care of that on her
journal lol.
Anyways… I really like Chris, I think I say that too much. But, well, it’s
the truth!
I haven’t felt this way in FOREVER.
A caring and compassion that is real….. it actuallys FEELS real!!! How
exciting!
I can only imagine what the next few months have in store for us… hopefully
good stuff. I don’t doubt it.
Yay for Chris being able to rock my face off!
And this time I WONT delete it.

Ames, yet again!

9:18PM – Ames, yet again!

So yeah another update that I write EXCLUSIVELY for Chris. He better feel damn special! Though I guess I would be writing this anyway b/c I always forget things that happen and need a journal to remind me. ANYWAYS
So yesterday, I was so excited all day to go up to see him, that I Just didn’t work out! Whoops! Oh well. So I get there and we just sat around, I forced him to make me lunch, and he did. It was sweet, even though I made him. lol 🙂
Then we watched “Starship Troopers” which was really kinda dumb, and Chris claims he now will have nightmares, crazy boy! Then we just talked, and did lots of random shit.
Went out to eat at the best Chinese place (“Enjoy your meal, please.” “Well, ok, but only b/c you said please.”) We totally BLARGED out. I ate two platefuls and then ice cream. I felt so sick on the way home, I thought I might throw up, so I cautioned Chris not to make any sudden stops, as he is known to do!
We went back to his house and started watching “Traffic” which is a really good movie. But I didn’t want to watch. We started cuddling and he was holding me and that was really YAY sweet! Oh I just remembered, he paid for dinner and that was really great too. So then we started kissing, and we kissed a lot, and it was so wonderful. I feel so many great emotions when I kiss him! I seriously have not felt this way in a LONG LONG LONG time. It is so nice to be held by someone who isn’t just there to fuck me, and who isn’t gonna leave me at the drop of a hat. So very very nice, to quote Chris lol. It was so cute, he was like “What’s going on in the movie?” and I wasl ike “I dunno.” and he said something like “It’s hard to concentrate when there’s a hot boy on the couch.” i was like awwww and I was probably blushing myself to death. THen I was on top of him, but I was way too crowded, so I suggested we move to the bed. I practically had to DRAG him along!
So we get there, and lay down, more kissing, more cuddling, more of that ear thing… mmmm. 🙂 We were having such a nice time, we kinda started talking about things, but we didn’t really push it, and I got the impression that he wanted to just talk later… .. which was fine, I just wanted to savor the moments I had with him. I had to leave eventually but I really didn’t want to!!! It was totally hard to leave. Like we sat up, kissed some more, then I pushed him back down and got on top of him for a minute or two, then got up, kissed more, and finally I got my shoes on. We kissed more, and I REALLY didn’t want to go. I would’ve easily just skipped school and spent the whole night with him. Even I am at a loss for words now… that should say something.
We kissed and kissed, kissed some more, I went to the door, went back, kissed, kissed, kissed! Yay, I love to kiss him. Such cute little lips, and they are so soft. It was great, just great.
Anyways… Adam called us a whole bunch during the night, but we never anwered our phones. Then he freaked out, blah blah, it’s practically turned into a daily occurence.
Well, I sure wish I could be with Chris. I miss the guy already! And the fact that it is totally hard for me to leave says something…. I’m falling for the guy!
Well, he has had to wait long enough for this, so I’m gonna go off and send it to him!

An Entry With Emotion…

(I’m going to pre-apoligise for any and ALL Adam references and comparisions, it’s hard not to do since I just got out of the only relationship I’ve ever known and such a long one. Also since all comparisions are good ones, I think it’s safe to do… It’s only when there’s bad comparisions that it gets bad… right?)

Ok, so I promised Andrew an update about my feelings since I’m clearly not capable of establishing them on a personal one on one basis.

So lets think of a way to establish this posting’s format…..

1)The Basics. I think that it’s safe to say that I REALLY really care for Andrew. I enjoy his company more then anyone else’s in my life right now. I’ve always enjoyed his company so much more so then anyone I can think of. He’s one of the very few people that I like to hang out with one-on-one. And another of the even fewer people where there’s not awkward silence most of the time. (I think that’s because he’s always talking about some funny story or the like and at some point in the future there will be silence, but it won’t be awkward, I don’t think!). Anyways, back to the point of this bullet point. I really like Andrew and know that the feelings are reciprocated which is really nice to know.

2)My insecurities. The first and biggest one is my inability to appreciate that someone likes me for who I am and that they don’t have some alterier motive. I honestly don’t think that Andrew does have any other motives. However, me being the way that I am, I question everything. I think that this stems from my childhood. I’ve always been the person that people made fun of and said that they were my friend and then did something to really hurt me. I guess you could say that I’ve always been the ugly duckling. But now I’m that swan, one that everyone seems to like. Even though so many people tell me that they have pics of me on their desks and that random people will say that I’m hot. But I don’t belive them. I look in the mirror and say, ?Yeah, I look better then I did 3 years ago, but I’m still not that great looking.? I look at myself and then look at Andrew, I don’t see how someone so beautiful and sexy, and just so wonderfull looking can look at me and say, ?wow, he’s cute [hot, sexy, etc]. I’d like to have that in my bed!? (I know exaggeration, but you get the point). I think of myself in the way I saw myself 4 years ago, as a 250 pound, plaid wearing, bad hair, ugly duckling. I know that I shouldn’t and I’m working on that, I’m still working on my self-image. But still the thought is there. Like with Adam, I was always ashamed of annoncing to people that he was my bf, because I didn’t even find him that attractive, I know that makes me sound so self-centered and bastardly, but it’s how I felt.. I don’t want to be the one in Adam’s situation. Ever.

(You know what’s REALLY REALLY REALLY fucking annoying when you’re trying to write something that you need to put a lot of thought into??? HUH, Do you??

WHEN PEOPLE WON’T STOP IMING YOU! GRRR!)

Now I’ve lost my train of thought… This will have to wait for a while….

3)Good friend. I think that the biggest thing holding me back from things happeneing between us is that right now Andrew is my BEST and pretty much only friend. I don’t want to loose that. I would love for something to happen between us, and I feel like something will. But I’m scared of losing him as such a great friend. If things work out between us as a relationship, GREAT! But if things don’t that would REALLY suck because he’s such a great part of my life and he makes me so happy.

When someone makes a person that happy though, there seems to be only one thing that can happen. To try out a relationship and see what happens.

Andrew,

When I spend time with you I’m so happy. When you’re gone, I think about spending time with you, and a smile fills my face. Spending time with you makes me so happy.

I only wish that there were more that I could do to make you happier. You say that you’re happy whenit for a while….

3)Good friend. I think that the biggest thing holding me back from things happeneing between us is that right now Andrew is my BEST and pretty much only friend. I don’t want to loose that. I would love for something to happen between us, and I feel like something will. But I’m scared of losing him as such a great friend. If things work out between us as a relationship, GREAT! But if things don’t that would REALLY suck because he’s such a great part of my life and he makes me so happy.

When someone makes a person that happy though, there seems to be only one thing that can happen. To try out a relationship and see what happens.

Andrew,

When I spend time with you I’m so happy. When you’re gone, I think about spending time with you, and a smile fills my face. Spending time with you makes me so happy.

I only wish that there were more that I could do to make you happier. You say that you’re happy when you spend time with me. But I know that it’s not the happiest you could be. The biggest problem is Adam, clearly, and I wish that I could just tell him to fuck off. But I can’t because we have so many interconnected ties. Friends, etc.

Anyways, hopefully things will work out, and you and I can both be happier.

With Love,

Topher.

Philosophical..

So whenever I don’t have access to a computer I always have really philosophical things to write about, but then by the time I get here, my mind goes blank and I can’t think of what it was. I think it an inherited thing because my mom does the same. Also like when I know I’m going to have to have a converstaion with someone, I reherse what I’m going to say. I try and think of all the different rebuttles they’ll have and try and plan for them. My mom does that too, when you’re riding with her you can see her pointing at things, and making hand gestures as if she’s talking, but she’s really not. And if you ask her what she’s going she tells you that shes thinking about something or another. It’s so wierd.

Anyways, so today has been SOOO fucking long. Every class has just DRAGGED on and on. My Phil class was so boring because he didn’t have slides so he just rambled on about stupid shit. I read Fast Food Nation most of the class. He did let us out early so that was good. Then in my FIN class he came to the end of one section and he paused at the first slide of the next session which just said something like “Capitol Budgeting III” or some shit like that for a minute. And then he went on with only 15 minutes left to class, you could hear a collective sigh.

Finally classes ended so I went and changed my MRS account to a regular savings account so that I don’t have to have a min of $2,500 in the account. There’s no way I can do that. Hopefully this summer I’ll be able to save up enough money to get there and I’ll be able to open my MRS again.

From there off to buy food cause I have NOTHING in the house. Then off to tan.

Now I’m here watching the news, and then I must watch West Wing because I missed it last night. Damn MIS meetings 😉

I’m out!