“The Way That I Have Been Thinking of You”

FUCK FUCK FUCK! I just had a HUGE entry here about how things were last night, and now it’s gone! Fucking shit!

Eh, to start over again….

Last night was absolutely wonderfully great, and emotion filled.

Most of it is in the normal entry for today, but as usual there are some things that can’t be said because of some people.

So we didn’t just spend the night sitting around and talking, we laid in his bed most of the night. His back to me, my arms around him, listening to Jewel. We laid there talking about random stuff, kissing, huging, we’re so cute!

There were a few times through out the night where I could feel his body tense, his breathing quicken. I could tell what he was doing, there’s only one time that your body feels that way, and tenses like his did. He was crying. I reached up from where I was, and wiped away his tears, I asked him once, “Why are you cyring” and he didn’t answer. He didn’t need to, I knew why. So I held him closer, I kissed him some more, hoping to let him know that I’m here for him and that I care for him. We laid there a while longer, with my arms around him, kissing the back of his neck. I felt him tense a couple more times in the next 45 minutes or so. Every time I would just wipe them away from his eyes, and hold him closer. He didn’t need to tell me why he was crying, I knew because I was holding back my own tears.

Finally after a while he turned and looked at me… I knew what was coming, and I’d been trying to prepare a response. For something so special, I had to have something sweet to say back to him, something to let him know that I really do care for him, and that I felt the same way…. And he said it. “I’m falling in love with you.” Even though I knew what was coming, I still wasn’t prepared for it. My mind went blank and I was speechless. It was so amazing to hear those words come out of his mouth, especially after just days before he said “I’d never be the first to say the ‘L’ word.” I held him closer and kissed him. I didn’t know what to say, and finally all I could muster up was “Is it ok to say ‘So am I’?” I felt so stupid because it’s all I could say. I wanted him to know that I really did feel that way. My feelings for him are so strong, and so emotional. Never did I feel this way for Adam, and never did I go to such lengths to be able to spend time with Adam.

After that I held him close, and held back my own tears, tears of joy. It was so hard to leave him that night, we laid in his bed until the latest that we could. And finally about 11 I had to go. He walked me up to my car and we stood there kissing and hugging for what seemed like forever, but yet, it ended all too soon. And I feel that this summer is going to end all too soon as well, and he’ll be gone for what’ll seem like an eternity.

You Were Meant For Me… And I Was Meant For You..

1:29PM – “you were meant for me… and I was meant for you..”

So I pretty much updated everything we actually did on my real journal…. except for a few things.
Well first off, in bed we were kissing and holding each other, but that’s totally AbracaDUH! Because we always hold and kiss each other, b/c we are sweet like that 🙂
So after about 45 minutes of fighting within myself, I finally told Chris that…
I’m falling in love with him.
I was really afraid to tell him, b/c I thought
1. He might be mad.
2. He might not feel the same way.
3. It might freak him out.
4. I was just scared!
Luckily, he didn’t freak out. He kissed me and said “Is it ok to say ‘So am I’?” I said “Only if you mean it.” and he said “I do.” And it was just how I felt and I thought I should let him know… We were holding each other and I just kept pulling him closer… for some reason I just felt like we couldn’t get close enough, I just wanted us to be as one. Gah, that probably sounds stupid…..
I do wonder if he just said that b/c I did or if he really is as well. I dunno, to me that isn’t something that someone says and you are just like “yeah, well I’m not, that’s too bad.” So I hope he didn’t feel obligated to tell me that if he doesn’t actually feel it.
Deep down I know he means it, but then I don’t b/c I dunno, I just don’t!
Anyways I was feeling pretty emotional that day, and Jewel was playing, and her music isn’t exactly cheery. And I was feeling so many emotions for Chris that I kinda cried a bit.
He noticed, but I didn’t really explain why I was doing it. There is just a lot going on right now, and he’s uber important to me…..
I don’t really want to get emotional, I have to go to work.
I hope that by time I get home, Chris has an update for me!! You better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Matrix

From now on when someone asks me what Krell does, I’m going to say…

“We run the Matrix”

//Edit: Whilst shopping yesterday Andrew and I happened to discover that he could fit into a GapKids size ‘M’ and I could fit into a GapKids size ‘XL’. Now not that long ago, I had to buy a ‘L’ and a ‘M’ was tight on me, now I’m wearing a Gap size ‘S’ just fine… Now if this isn’t a sign that America is just getting fatter and that the clothing companies are changing the sizing to meet this, then I don’t know what is. Comon’ America, loose some fucking Weight!

Although, I do have to say, it’s a good ego boost to say that I wear a size ‘S’. Unless I’m shopping with Andrew and he’s always “Why’s everything so BIG!!” Fucker!

It’s OVER!

So the ass raping has finally stopped. And for that last one, there wasn’t enough KY lube in the WORLD to make it any better. I guess that’s what I get for going to work right before the final, and then forgetting my notes at home so that I couldn’t study. Oh well, no biggie, even if I fail the test I should still get a B in there. Whatever, I do what I want!

Konq is pretty! For some reason Mozilla stopped letting my type in the address bar, it’s very odd really. So the only way to navigate is through links and the back/forward button since I don’t have bookmarks. Grrr. Perhaps I should upgrade to the latest nightly build.

Today was TONS of fun, that is after the ass raping. I met up with Andrew about 2:30ish and we hung out at his house tell 3:30 when I had to drive his mom to the Airport, very odd times. But amusing non-the-less. Perhaps she’ll hate me less now. Although she definitaly said that she’d pay me and then she didn’t. Whatever.

From the airport Andrew and I went over to Cheatin’ Charlies to get his car, then to MHM to get me clothes. I ended up buying a CUTE ass new pair of jeans and a new pair of shorts! Yay!

After that to KFC on University, yummy yummy. Andrew paid… THANKS DREW!

And then we scampered off to his house where we spent the rest of the night just sitting in his bed talking, and hanging out… It was so much fun, and it really helped my headache. I dunno why. However, it’s now back again.

There are two things that REALLY piss me off about stupid people driving…. 1) Is that they don’t know how to accelerate! and 2) Is that, even though is SAYS to exit at 25MPH you can easily do 40-50! Goddamn stupid people! So annoying!

Also it really pisses me off is when cops seem to think they can do 90 down the interstate without lights/sirens on. Fuckers. I was so tempted to follow him, but he wasn’t going the same way that I was, and it was nearly 11:30. And it was a Polk County Sheriff in Story county… What the fuck is up with that??

Anyways, it’s late. I shall be off to bed! Nighties!

Every Intention

I had every intention of getting up this morning at 6:30 and riding my bike for an hour. Every Intention, I really did! I even laid out my clothes for biking and the outfit that I was going to wear today so that I wouldn’t have to waste the time looking for it all. Although, when the time came, I just kept hitting snooze. And apparently the Snooze button turned into an off button because I didn’t get out of bed until 7:45, and I had to be at work at 8. I was right on time too, although I didn’t shave, and my hair looks horrible.

I’m only working 3 hours today, so that’s good. I have some small stuff that I can do in that time, I don’t think I’ll get into any of the big stuff today because there’s really no time to do it all.

After work I go and take Final number 5. I’m not too worried about it, although I’m sure I should be. Hopefully it’ll go alright. I haven’t had much energy lately to do anything for myself, studying, getting back into exercising. I have all these great plans, but they just never get done anymore.

I’m not sure why, I mean I’m happy in life right now, and having a great time. I just don’t know why I can’t get my ass in gear and do this shit. Last night I tried to study, but I just couldn’t. I’m falling back into one of those stages, hopefully it’ll be short lived, if not, it’s back to the drugs.

After the final’s over (and hopefully that’ll be about 1ish), I’m headed to Waukee to hang out with Andrew today. We’re going to go malling and find me some new shorts. I really wish now that I had purchased more then one pair when we were at the Mall of America and they were only $10. But I guess life is life, and I have to deal with the $40 price tags now. Hopefully we can find somewhere cheap and get shorts there, maybe GoodWill?

I went last night and bought the rechargable batteries for my camera, and I also bought a case for it because the LCD screen was getting a bit scratched up in my bag. I’ve also added a TON of shit to my Amazon.com wish list. Starting my christmas list early, lol. And this year I’m only going to give that list to my PU’s, that way hopefully they’ll actually buy shit off of it, unlike last year. Then I’ll print it and cut out the “inapproriate” stuff for my G&G and the rest of the family.

That’s something else that’s been bothering me. I really wish that I could tell my G&G about my being gay, and I wish that I could take my bf at the time down there and be like, “Hey G&G, this is my bf and we’re going to go upstairs and have wild wild sex now. Could you have some good cookies ready for when we get done, cause it makes us REALLY hungry, bubye!” roflol! Anyways, yeah. I just wish that I could take my bf down there and let them know and stuff.

Although I am kinda wondering if they know or not, because they have stopped bitching at me for not having a gf and my Gma has been off my back about reproducing for her! So I wonder if someone has slipped and told them??

Who knows.

Anyways, I should get to work. Laters!