Where Do They Hide?

Ok, well lots of things to update about, but also lots of work to do, so we’ll see what I actually get updated about and what doesn’t get an update about.

First off there’s something that I’ve been meaning to mention for a LONG time. And that’s the fact that they GYM is very sexual… I mean, hello. Those machines? They put the ass in the perfect spot for a good fucking. And oh man, do some of those boys that work out there have nice asses! 😛 Today I was really horny and contemplated writing another story, which I haven’t done in like a year. So perhaps I shall do that tonight after I write that paper that I have to do. I have it all planned out already. I just have to write it down. Also thought that it would be hot to make a porno in the Beyer weight room. Mmmm. Hot!

Speaking of hot, it was REALLY fucking hot in the Rec center this morning. I hope that they don’t plan on keeping it that hot all freaking winter there. That would be really annoying. Though I’m starting to see a difference in my workouts. I’m lifting heavier weights and just getting better in general. I asked my Prof to bring in a body-fat thing, but he didn’t. Maybe he’ll do that Friday. I’d really like to know what it is, considering that when I did it in HS, it was like 35% or something. lol.

And one other thing that I really wanted to talk about here real quick like. Is the fact that there’s people out there who persue me to date me. But they always seem to wait for to long before they let me know that they have intentions, and then when they do tell me. It’s at the WRONG time. Andrew was one example of that, and now I have Shepely who’s been trying to get me too. It’s very wierd if you ask me… That anyone would actually seek me out to date. Very strange. Though it does make me feel good.

Also I talked to Gap Boy yesterday. Just for a ocuple minutes cause I was on my wayt o class, so I couldn’t talk long. THough I’m going to go back today and purchase a shirt from him for B-week. Good times.

Alright, on to the week!

Yesterday was just a down day for me in general. I didn’t really do much and lately it’s been getting harder and harder for me to roll myself out of bed in the morning. And it’s not just because I haven’t been sleeping. Which I haven’t been.

I went and talked to the Career Services guy and he gave nothing but bad news about my wanting to move to Cali. Though I am going, I don’t care if I have a job or not. Which he said that it appears that since my dedication is so high, I do have a better chance of at least getting a foot in the door since I’m going to be out there anyways for Spring Break. Anyways, that brought me down.

Then I went home and sat and watched TV all night long. Which brought me down even more, and then Andrew didn’t call tell late, and I was pissy with him and then I got very sad and started crying on the phone and it was just bad in general. Very very bad.

Today’s been going alright, though I have a ton of work to do, and I really don’t want to do any of it. Really I don’t.

Anyways, I should go do that that and then write a private update about some things.

Laters all.

On A Roll.

So yesterday I was on a roll with thing at work. It was a good day overall.

Got in and fixed the printer which has been broken forever. Come to find out that the imaging drum wasn’t spinning. Very interesting. And since it wasn’t spinning it didn’t know how many pages it had printed thus spewing out every page it had in the tray, blank.

After that the new shelves arrived for the rack. Nazanin thought they looked good and I put one of them into the rack. It does look good. And that worked out finally. Good times there.

Once I was done with that it was noon so Barb went home and we switched the firewall. Everything worked right off the bat and it was all good. So yep. Three sucessfull projects yesterday.

After that I went to class, which was boring. We learned about the layers of networking and watched a REALLY stupid movie.

Went home and crashed on the couch for the rest of the night. Andrew called and we talked for like 10 minutes, but nothing really long or interesting. Though he does owe me something and I’m waiting for it. Very impatiently.

Bed about 11ish and didn’t sleep worth shit. I know why, but I”m not telling.

Today’s been alright, 414 has a paper due on Thursday and I haven’t started it. That’s not good. I’ll have to do that tonight. 251 is going alright, though the prof is a bit crazy and doesn’t EVER know when class is ending/ended.

He also is incapable of turning off a light by himself apparently. Today he wanted to use the overhead, and the TA was gone. So instead of trying to FIGURE out the lights on his own. He stood in front of the class and said, “SOMEONE HELP ME! I want these lights off”

He proceded to stand there and plead for help tell someone finally got up and did it for him. What a lazy bastard.

360’s next and then it’s work out, then 370. Should be good times.

Anyways, I’m out.

EDIT://I’ve also decided that if/when I ever get married, it’s going to be in Central Park in NY at this spot:

IMG_0257.JPG

And then after that, we’re going to South Africa/Italy/Australia for our honeymoon (Pick one, not all of them!!) lol.

Replaced

Ok, so I have a few things to write about involving Chris and I.

First off, I have had a really hard time this weekend. I have missed him a lot and generally not had a good time L So there are also a few things that confuse me.

First off.. I go to read his private update, and I see a word that frightens me to no end : suicide. He definitely didn?t mention this to me at all. We seriously talked for 4-5 hours this weekend, and he NEVER said anything to me. Now if he was thinking that at all, I would hope that he would say something to me, I?m the one person he tells everything to. I wanted him to tell me so that I could tell him how stupid that would be, and how much I love him and how that would just kill me, and how he has so much to live for. But no, he didn?t even tell me he was feeling that way. Even if it wasn?t SERIOUS contemplation. Any contemplation is serious enough to me. I don?t know what to think, like he didn?t feel comfortable enough to tell me, or didn?t think it was a big deal, or what? At any rate, I plan to talk to him about that next time I talk to him.

Second off, the dildo. Now I know that it?s not a big deal. But it seriously kinda bothered me. I did kinda feel like I was being replaced. By a toy, nonetheless. He said that nothing would compare to Enfuego, but I just feel so ? weird about it all. Especially b/c it?s so big!! So yeah? I just feel inadequate about it? and stupid for even getting annoyed. But he?s got a dildo!! And no more Enfuego. And now he?s gonna want the dildo more? and I?ll be gone L

Anyways?. In other worlds, we decided not to talk anymore about moving close to each other/transfers etc?. B/c it just makes us upset and we don?t want to worry about it for 9 months. I have so many options. I could go to SFSU next year? I could study abroad a semester and then go? I could study abroad a semester, then go to Chapman for a semester and then transfer to SDSU. What do I do?? I have no clue. I just want to know if I?ll even care for Chris then or not. Well, that came out wrong. Of course I will care for him. We are first and foremost best friends, and I will never let that go. But will I still be in love with him? Will I still care about him that way? I have no idea, there is no telling what?s going to happen, who he?s going to meet, who I?m going to meet. It?s just all very confusing and I don?t know what to do.

Today I had a breakdown again. I didn?t cry HARD? but I did cry a little bit, listening to music and singing and then breaking out the pics he sent me. They are all so great.. I especially like the one of us eating the zeppoles, the one of us standing in front of the Iowa county flag things, and the one of us at the airport. They are all such great pics of us and we are so cute, and every time I see them I am reminded that I no longer have him with me. And a crazy Asian guy just stood next to me and looked at my computer.

Go away.

So we talked a lot these past few days. Just good talks. I?m actually fairly surprised that we have so much to talk about. But yeah, just generally good talks and it just made me miss him oh so bad!!

So bottom line is this: I don?t want him to commit suicide, the dildo makes me insecure, I?m completely befuddled about where our future is going, and I miss him a lot.

Oh and our fucking Spring Breaks don?t line up. But he is still going to come here and that will be wonderful, we will have a great time!

And he seems confused about what will happen at Christmas, etc?. Well in my mind, it?s like nothing changed. I will go there, he will meet me at the airport, we will hug, we will kiss. We will go back to his apartment, lay together, make love, and then I will lay in his arms and he will hold me and whisper that he loves me. In my dreams?.

FYI: after talking w/ Chris tonight, I do have more to update about, but I cannot right now, I seriously need to get going on work.

Missing Enfuego

Ok, so private updates.

Well I guess we should start with the most pressing of things. I guess you could say that suicidle thoughts have returned once again. Though it’s not that big of a deal. I mean it’s not near as bad as it has been in the past… Just usally when I’m driving and have nothing else to occupy my mind. It always seems easier to just die then to put up with all the problems and stresses that are happening in my life right now.

So I went downtown, blah blah blah.

After that I was horny and I was like, “If Andrew’s going to jack it so much, I should have some fun too.” So I went to the porn store and bought a dildo. I’ve always wanted one, and it wasn’t at all meant to replace Enfuego… Nothing will ever be able to replace him. But I got one and went home and had a good time with it. It was nice, but also sad at the same time, because I wanted Enfuego.

Talked to Andrew the next day and told him about that. He seemed upset. But again, I want to stress that it’s not at all meant to replace him. I’ve just always wanted one, and now have one. And honestly I did look for one that was close to Enfuego’s size, shape, and uniquness. But I couldn’t find one. But we all know that Mr. Ass does miss Enfuego Greatly.

We talked a lot that night about our future and the uncertenties that lie ahead. It’s all very sad, because I really want to be closer to him. We decided that we aren’t going to talk about it again tell we know more… IE, after Christmas or Spring Break. It depends when things happen.

We also talked a lot about things perhaps happening again. Like there were a lot of signals that he wants to do stuff when he comes back. And I want to do stuff as well. Make love, kiss, cuddle at night again. I want to do that all so badly. But if we’re going to continue on with just being friends, I don’t really think that we can do that type of stuff. Or that we really shouldn’t do it.

Though I’m torn because I really want to have him make love to me again, and I want to lay there in bed holding his body and kiss him at night, and hold his hand. I dream of the day that he walks down those stairs at the Airport and I hug him and then lean back and give him a big kiss on the lips. But I don’t think that we should. But I really want to.

Anyways, we talked about a TON of stuff that night, and also talked about spring break. For some reason I could have SWORN I had looked it up once and found out that his spring break was the SAME week as mine. But he brought it up, so I went and looked it up, and well… Mines March 15th and his is April 5th. Which sucks total ass. Though I think we can work it out so that I can still come out there for spring break. So hopefully that’ll all work out.

This morning he called me and we talked forever again. It was really nice to talk to him for so long, and we talked about the most random things. We talked about how things might work out, and what I would feel if he randomly made out with someone. I forgot to ask him what he would feel like if I randomly made out with someone.

Anyways, I think that I would be upset about it, mostly because I haven’t moved on yet, and he keeps talking about coming back and pretty much picking things back up where they left off. I would be hurt if he randomly made out with someone. But I know that we both have to move on at some point, so I’m trying to get going on that. But I will be sad and hurt when that time comes.

Speaking of moving on though. I hope that when he comes back, things are just as good as they were when he left, and I hope that maybe come revelation will come along, or something. But on the other hand I also hope that things don’t work out, and we both realize that we’ve moved on and won’t work out.

I really hope that things do work out. I hope that he comes back and we can just pick it right bac up where it all left off. But that day is still a long ways away and we won’t know what will happen tell that day happens. And that’s what makes it the worst.

Well there was something else that I wanted to talk about here… But I can’t remember. Perhaps if he ever gets a good update, aI’ll remember what it’s was! 😛

Laters

A Good Weekend.

Umm, well not much really to publicly update about. Lots of private shit. Though I’m sure this will turn into a long public.

So Friday sucked. I left work an hour early because it was sucking so much, and came home. I spent most of the day reading my old private entries, and I think I wrote about this already…

Anyways, I came home. Spent a bit of time laying in bed and cried for a while, and then go up and went downtown. I was there from about 7:30 tell 9:30 when I left. I just studied for a while. Once I was bored and decided that no one else was every going to come, I went off on an expedition. Made for a private entry.

Got home about midnight and went to bed.

Saturday I got up early and went and met up with Beak. We broke (15 mintues late, thanks!) and headed for G&G’s. Got there about noon and hung out and ate and such. Then went out and picked pears. That took FOREVER! Because there were litteraly millions of them! And now my neck hurts from looking up all day!

After that I called Andrew and we talked for like an hour or so. I think it wa slonger then that. But it was good to talk to him. I forget what all we talked about, but we reminiced some and it was good. I also told him of my expedition on Friday night, and he seemed a bit annoyed about it. But whatever.

Once we were done with that, I went and talked to the Gma for like ever, and had a good time. Ate supper and then broke. She stuffed us really full. But beak and I were talking on the way home and decided that it’s really not that bad for you. I mean we had Potatos, with milk in them, corn, and noodles (Which is flour and eggs and beef broth). And then we had a roast, but I didn’t have much of that. So really it’s not all THAT bad for you! It’s always the desserts that kill you and I didn’t have much of those!

So I was a bit annoyed with the Gma though, she asked a lot of questions bout the trip, but she never asked to see pics of the trip. And I REALLY wanted to show her the trip pics. It would have been my way of coming out to her. I just wanted to her to see them and I wish that she would have asked to see them. It would have made me feel better. Because not enough people here in Iowa have seen my pictures and I just want to show them to people. In a way it makes me feel good.

Broke from there and had a good talk on the way home about moving and shit. I’m really stressing abou it, and where I want to go mostly. I mean I’d like to be ANYWHERE in Cali. So now I have to make a choise as to where I’m going. And again that whole Andrew kid comes into the situation, and I try not to think about where he’s going, but I want to be closer to him so much. Anyways, more info on that for the private entry.

Got home, and had to help Beak finish moving her apartment around since she got drunk the night before and rearranged things. I’m thinking I should do that. Cause I’ve really been wanting to rearrange my apartment. It’s getting really boring the way that it is. Though I’ll have to get rid of a lot of the shit that I don’t want before I do it. Like the nordictrak and the fitness flyer. (If you want a nordictrak you can call me. I sell it to you!)

After that I broke and went downtown again to see if anyone was there. Shepely was there, and as soon as he saw me he came up to me and hugged me and then said Too bad you’re waiting for someone. I was like how random. The convo went downhill from there and I broke shortly after. Came home and talked to Andrew on the phone for like another hour.

Broke and went to bed.

This morning I got up really late because I didn’t really care to get out of bed. Showered, and then sat around the house reading the paper and watching TV. Andrew called about noon and we ended up talking for nearly 2 hours. I didn’t want to let him go, today but he needed to break. So that’s cool.

After that I came home and that’s where I be now. Laters all!

EDIT:// So there’s this movie called “Crazy in Alabama” that ALWAYS makes me cry. I suggest anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, go watch it.. VERY good!