Ok, so I have a few things to write about involving Chris and I.
First off, I have had a really hard time this weekend. I have missed him a lot and generally not had a good time L So there are also a few things that confuse me.
First off.. I go to read his private update, and I see a word that frightens me to no end : suicide. He definitely didn?t mention this to me at all. We seriously talked for 4-5 hours this weekend, and he NEVER said anything to me. Now if he was thinking that at all, I would hope that he would say something to me, I?m the one person he tells everything to. I wanted him to tell me so that I could tell him how stupid that would be, and how much I love him and how that would just kill me, and how he has so much to live for. But no, he didn?t even tell me he was feeling that way. Even if it wasn?t SERIOUS contemplation. Any contemplation is serious enough to me. I don?t know what to think, like he didn?t feel comfortable enough to tell me, or didn?t think it was a big deal, or what? At any rate, I plan to talk to him about that next time I talk to him.
Second off, the dildo. Now I know that it?s not a big deal. But it seriously kinda bothered me. I did kinda feel like I was being replaced. By a toy, nonetheless. He said that nothing would compare to Enfuego, but I just feel so ? weird about it all. Especially b/c it?s so big!! So yeah? I just feel inadequate about it? and stupid for even getting annoyed. But he?s got a dildo!! And no more Enfuego. And now he?s gonna want the dildo more? and I?ll be gone L
Anyways?. In other worlds, we decided not to talk anymore about moving close to each other/transfers etc?. B/c it just makes us upset and we don?t want to worry about it for 9 months. I have so many options. I could go to SFSU next year? I could study abroad a semester and then go? I could study abroad a semester, then go to Chapman for a semester and then transfer to SDSU. What do I do?? I have no clue. I just want to know if I?ll even care for Chris then or not. Well, that came out wrong. Of course I will care for him. We are first and foremost best friends, and I will never let that go. But will I still be in love with him? Will I still care about him that way? I have no idea, there is no telling what?s going to happen, who he?s going to meet, who I?m going to meet. It?s just all very confusing and I don?t know what to do.
Today I had a breakdown again. I didn?t cry HARD? but I did cry a little bit, listening to music and singing and then breaking out the pics he sent me. They are all so great.. I especially like the one of us eating the zeppoles, the one of us standing in front of the Iowa county flag things, and the one of us at the airport. They are all such great pics of us and we are so cute, and every time I see them I am reminded that I no longer have him with me. And a crazy Asian guy just stood next to me and looked at my computer.
So we talked a lot these past few days. Just good talks. I?m actually fairly surprised that we have so much to talk about. But yeah, just generally good talks and it just made me miss him oh so bad!!
So bottom line is this: I don?t want him to commit suicide, the dildo makes me insecure, I?m completely befuddled about where our future is going, and I miss him a lot.
Oh and our fucking Spring Breaks don?t line up. But he is still going to come here and that will be wonderful, we will have a great time!
And he seems confused about what will happen at Christmas, etc?. Well in my mind, it?s like nothing changed. I will go there, he will meet me at the airport, we will hug, we will kiss. We will go back to his apartment, lay together, make love, and then I will lay in his arms and he will hold me and whisper that he loves me. In my dreams?.
FYI: after talking w/ Chris tonight, I do have more to update about, but I cannot right now, I seriously need to get going on work.