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Missing Enfuego

Ok, so private updates.

Well I guess we should start with the most pressing of things. I guess you could say that suicidle thoughts have returned once again. Though it’s not that big of a deal. I mean it’s not near as bad as it has been in the past… Just usally when I’m driving and have nothing else to occupy my mind. It always seems easier to just die then to put up with all the problems and stresses that are happening in my life right now.

So I went downtown, blah blah blah.

After that I was horny and I was like, “If Andrew’s going to jack it so much, I should have some fun too.” So I went to the porn store and bought a dildo. I’ve always wanted one, and it wasn’t at all meant to replace Enfuego… Nothing will ever be able to replace him. But I got one and went home and had a good time with it. It was nice, but also sad at the same time, because I wanted Enfuego.

Talked to Andrew the next day and told him about that. He seemed upset. But again, I want to stress that it’s not at all meant to replace him. I’ve just always wanted one, and now have one. And honestly I did look for one that was close to Enfuego’s size, shape, and uniquness. But I couldn’t find one. But we all know that Mr. Ass does miss Enfuego Greatly.

We talked a lot that night about our future and the uncertenties that lie ahead. It’s all very sad, because I really want to be closer to him. We decided that we aren’t going to talk about it again tell we know more… IE, after Christmas or Spring Break. It depends when things happen.

We also talked a lot about things perhaps happening again. Like there were a lot of signals that he wants to do stuff when he comes back. And I want to do stuff as well. Make love, kiss, cuddle at night again. I want to do that all so badly. But if we’re going to continue on with just being friends, I don’t really think that we can do that type of stuff. Or that we really shouldn’t do it.

Though I’m torn because I really want to have him make love to me again, and I want to lay there in bed holding his body and kiss him at night, and hold his hand. I dream of the day that he walks down those stairs at the Airport and I hug him and then lean back and give him a big kiss on the lips. But I don’t think that we should. But I really want to.

Anyways, we talked about a TON of stuff that night, and also talked about spring break. For some reason I could have SWORN I had looked it up once and found out that his spring break was the SAME week as mine. But he brought it up, so I went and looked it up, and well… Mines March 15th and his is April 5th. Which sucks total ass. Though I think we can work it out so that I can still come out there for spring break. So hopefully that’ll all work out.

This morning he called me and we talked forever again. It was really nice to talk to him for so long, and we talked about the most random things. We talked about how things might work out, and what I would feel if he randomly made out with someone. I forgot to ask him what he would feel like if I randomly made out with someone.

Anyways, I think that I would be upset about it, mostly because I haven’t moved on yet, and he keeps talking about coming back and pretty much picking things back up where they left off. I would be hurt if he randomly made out with someone. But I know that we both have to move on at some point, so I’m trying to get going on that. But I will be sad and hurt when that time comes.

Speaking of moving on though. I hope that when he comes back, things are just as good as they were when he left, and I hope that maybe come revelation will come along, or something. But on the other hand I also hope that things don’t work out, and we both realize that we’ve moved on and won’t work out.

I really hope that things do work out. I hope that he comes back and we can just pick it right bac up where it all left off. But that day is still a long ways away and we won’t know what will happen tell that day happens. And that’s what makes it the worst.

Well there was something else that I wanted to talk about here… But I can’t remember. Perhaps if he ever gets a good update, aI’ll remember what it’s was! 😛

Laters

3 replies on “Missing Enfuego”

so in all the almost 5 hours we talked today, you not once mentioned suicide. that kinda hurts. id call you if it wasnt so late.
and im confused… you hope things will work out and you also hope things wont work out???? what is this supposed to mean??
im sorry im just confused
i miss you
andrew

So I’m reading this entry and I’m just a smidge freaked out here. So what I want you to know is that I’m here if you need anything. You’re welcome at my house anytime day or night-if you’re lonely or need to talk come on over.

And go to the doctor-have them prescribe you some happy pills, some Welburtin or some Paxil-you’re flashing the classic signs of depression and with our family history that’s not something you want to let go.

And if you need anything, anything at all, give me a holler.
Hugs,
Beak

What I mean is that it would be easier with us living so far apart to realize that we had both moved on and that things work out.

Though that’s not at ALL what I want, it would make life easier. So that way I don’t sit here and think about the wonderfull boy that I had, and obsess about how much I miss him.

It wasn’t meant as any offense towards you or anything. It’s just what would make life easier. Though not what I want.

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