Ranked Feelings.

Last night we have a very big fight. A fight that shouldn’t have happened. But I’m not in the wrong here. As I said at the end of one of my other entries. “Most of all, I want to know that he’s going to change to make me happy, the same way that I’ve changed to make him happy.” Obviously he’s not going to do that, and it hurts greatly.

The whole drinking thing, why must it be such a big deal really. Because it’s not. I ask that he not do it, and when he does, I get annoyed, hurt, sad, yes even mad. It’s something that I feel strongly about, and I disapprove of it. I just don’t see why he can’t understand that. I just don’t see why he feels the need to drink, why. You can still go out and have a good time and not get drunk.

Honestly, I don’t know if I can handle it all. If I had talked to him yesterday morning, if we had fought yesterday morning as we did last night, it would have been the end. And at the point that we were at last night, I didn’t know if I even wanted him living with me when he comes back to Iowa. I just, I just didn’t feel it.

And now, he still has the away message up that he put up lat night, he hasn’t been to my website, he hasn’t updated. It makes me nervous, scared. My mind runs a bit wild. And I hate it. I hate not knowing what happened, if things are alright, if he’s alright. I hate not knowing, and every minute I don’t know, I get just a little bit madder about the whole situation.

Last night he said that I was trying to control him. I don’t really think that I’m trying to control him. I’m ASKING him to not do something that I strongy disapprove of. And YES, when he goes and does it, even though I don’t like it, and have asked him not to, I WILL get mad about it. I jsut don’t see how he can not follow this logic here. It seems perfectly clear to me.

When I make fun of him, about making out with randoms, or any of the other many things that he’s ASKED me not to do, he gets mad/annoyed at me. It’s the exact same thing. Only here, I’m completely out of line according to him.

Anyways, I have to go to a meeting. I shall finish this later.

Edit://
Well, I’m back. But not anymore in the mood to write this. So I’m going to go do some actual work.

So Not So Good Times

So, when I’m sick, I am very irratable. And someone seems to enjoy pushing my buttons this week and making me angry. Oh well, I’m sure things will be fine.

The last couple days have sucked. I’ve been very sick, and had a lot to do.

Tuesday morning we gave our presentation in MGMT 414, that went well. I didn’t really think that it would because I was fairly sick and barely able to speak.

Next class, and then I came home. I think, Pretty sure that I did. I sat around tell noon and then went to my other class, we were there for a whole 10 minutes. I was so annoyed cause I could have just stayed home tell 3 for my last class. Anyways, after that I went and printed off notes for my MIS and MGMT 370 classes. From there it was MGMT 370, which was very annoyed, mostly because I was sick and didn’t want to be there.

Once class was over, it was snowing like a mo-fo, and the bus was late, so that was sad, and I think it made my sickness even worse. I was going to run to the g-store once I got home to get food, but by that time the roads seemed a bit slick, since the bus had been sliding. I decided to order pizza.

Hot pizza boy came and we made out and then fucked… Well actually he just delivered the pizza and complained about how bad the roads were. I told him to drive safe. He was actually hot.

I ate pizza and spent the rest of the night on the couch. Andrew called that night, or did I call him. Who knows. Anyways, we got into a stupid fight, reasoning of which you can read about on his journal, my reasonings will be in a private post, as they differ signifigantly from his.

I was very upset that night and just went to bed and slept. WEd morning I got up and it took me 20 minutes to get dressed, I kept feeling light headed and as though I was going to pass out. I had to go to class though, so I pulled myself to the bus and rode it to campus. It was ungodly hot on there, but I think it was just me. I was sweating like a pig.

Went to class and just sat around most of the time, my workout partner made fun of me. Rode the bus back home, showered and contempltated not going to work. But I had far to much to do, so I headed in anyways. Worked from 10:30-2, and then headed to campus to study for my MIS test at 3:30. I went through everything once and then decided to sleep. So I did.

After that it was back home and to the couch for me. I stayed there the rest of the night.

Today I’m feeling a bit better, though still pissed. I didn’t go to my first class, because I woke up about 4am, and didn’t really feel good. I think the extra hour of sleep that I got really helped. Came to campus, second class, boring. Now I’m here, I should be studying for my TransLog test that is at 12:40, but it should be a really easy test. It’s only 30 questions, which is 10 less then all the other tests we’ve had in there. I’ll probably be done with it in like 10-15 minutes, and then catch a bus home and sit around tell 3, come back to campus and go to my last class.

We’ve got the Krell christmas party tonight. I’m sad because I have no one to take to it. Whatever though.

Laters all.

We had it again. The same fucking fight. The same fucking fight we have every single fucking time I bring up hanging out w/ Rach, Kt, or Court without him.
It’s so stupid… so fucking stupid. I understand where he’s coming from. But they are not evil bitches out to intentionally not invite him and steal him from me. But they want their alone time with me, just as he does. They love me just as much as he does. And they like him just fine.
He gets very nasty when we have this fight and I don’t like it at all. And then he tells ME not to take that tone with him. Yeah ok.
Do we really have to fight like this around the holidays and so close to when I’m coming home? How many times are we going to have this fight when I’m there?
I can just see coming home, and him being all pissy and then getting into it. It’s going to be a problem.
You know I’m trapped in the fucking middle. I am trying to spend as much time with him as I possibly can, but it isn’t fair for me to neglect my friends. I’ve done that way too much with past boyfriends to do it again. But Chris isn’t my partner in arms. If I’m somewhere, it isn’t automatic that he is with me. We need our time apart or else we are going to get on each others’ nerves. I hate going out and knowing that he is sitting at home, fuming and being pissed at me because I wanted to hang out with 3 of my best friends.
SORRY.
And I was this close to having a good night.
Him and I have really been running each other down lately. What’s the deal?
Time to go.

A private update?

Well, something upset me today.
In reading Chris’ journal from 2 years ago, I got upset with the stuff he had about Adam. Allt his stuff about being together forever.. pushing Arizona back to 2007…. talking about how great he is. ANd int he old journals, he always talks about how great Adam is, and how happy he is with him, and this and that, and that he’s just so wonderful and he loves to sit and talk to him.

I love you Adam. I’ll never let you go. You’ll always be on my mind. You’ll always be missed, every second we’re apart, your smile, your voice, you. You will always be with me, every where I go. I love you Adam.

That upset me the most. It is upsetting not only b/c he felt that way towards Adam, but also because he never wrote anything in his journal like that about me. There is nothing saying how much he loves me… nothing like what he used to write about Adam. And I guess I’m jealous. I just like to think that I’m a better b/f…. but sometimes the journal makes it seem like I’m not. Adam never did anything for him… I try to do everything. Adam was just an all around bad boyfriend, and I’d like to think I’m not…
It just upsets me, even though it’s stupid. i really should stop reading those 2 year ago ones. They just make me sad everysingle time I read them.