Not Published

Ranked Feelings.

Last night we have a very big fight. A fight that shouldn’t have happened. But I’m not in the wrong here. As I said at the end of one of my other entries. “Most of all, I want to know that he’s going to change to make me happy, the same way that I’ve changed to make him happy.” Obviously he’s not going to do that, and it hurts greatly.

The whole drinking thing, why must it be such a big deal really. Because it’s not. I ask that he not do it, and when he does, I get annoyed, hurt, sad, yes even mad. It’s something that I feel strongly about, and I disapprove of it. I just don’t see why he can’t understand that. I just don’t see why he feels the need to drink, why. You can still go out and have a good time and not get drunk.

Honestly, I don’t know if I can handle it all. If I had talked to him yesterday morning, if we had fought yesterday morning as we did last night, it would have been the end. And at the point that we were at last night, I didn’t know if I even wanted him living with me when he comes back to Iowa. I just, I just didn’t feel it.

And now, he still has the away message up that he put up lat night, he hasn’t been to my website, he hasn’t updated. It makes me nervous, scared. My mind runs a bit wild. And I hate it. I hate not knowing what happened, if things are alright, if he’s alright. I hate not knowing, and every minute I don’t know, I get just a little bit madder about the whole situation.

Last night he said that I was trying to control him. I don’t really think that I’m trying to control him. I’m ASKING him to not do something that I strongy disapprove of. And YES, when he goes and does it, even though I don’t like it, and have asked him not to, I WILL get mad about it. I jsut don’t see how he can not follow this logic here. It seems perfectly clear to me.

When I make fun of him, about making out with randoms, or any of the other many things that he’s ASKED me not to do, he gets mad/annoyed at me. It’s the exact same thing. Only here, I’m completely out of line according to him.

Anyways, I have to go to a meeting. I shall finish this later.

Well, I’m back. But not anymore in the mood to write this. So I’m going to go do some actual work.

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