Category: Not Published

After last weekend Andrew and I needed to talk. I wanted to make sure that he was alright and that the feelings were all good on both sides.

Last night we got that chance to talk and it was very nice. He got here about 8 and we just talked until like 9ish or so. Finally I told him to sit down and I showed him the private entry that I had written on Monday.

He read though it and I sat on the bed. Onc e he was done, he turned around and we talked about lots of stuff, about what happened, about our feelings for each other and all kinds of stuff.

He said that he had strong feelings and I said that they were reciprocated. We both bitched about Adam and how bad of a bf he is and that he expects me to drop whatever I’m doing when he up and calls. Etc.

I told Andrew that if he weren’t going to Chapman in the fall I would have to be making a VERY hard decission about weather I want to dump Adam and persue a relationship with him. He said �You can come to Chapman with me.� That meant so much to me. But there’s no way that would work. I coulnd’t transfer again my Senior year. There’s just no way.

We spent the night hugging, embracing, kissing, carassing. I wanted to make out with him so bad. I really did. But I can’t I’m still with Adam and that would be wrong of me to do that to him.

We got VERY little sleep cause we both kept moving around and stuff.

Throughout the night he would keep saying �oh chris� and the like stuff. It was the nicest night I’ve had in a VERY long time. Probably since before Adam and I got back together.

There’s so much on my mind right now. I have more fun with Andrew then I do Adam. I just don’t feel that right now I can throw away a year and a half of a relationship for something that’ll probably have to end once he goes to Cali.

I’m sure he’ll find someone that he loves just as much if not more once he gets there.

I told him that and he said �Yeah, but it won’t be the person that I want to be with.�

I love that boi dearly. Why couldn’t I have met him when Adam and I were broken up. Things would have turned out much different.

Love,

Cj B

The one that DIDN’T happen!

We’ve all been talking about what would happen for the whole week. We all knew it was coming. So what went wrong?

Friday started off alright, I don’t remember what exactly happened, but Adam and I hung out tell we met up with Andrew about 8ish. When we went to eat supper at Wal-Mart. Andrew and I shared a thing of chicken and Adam ate a sandwich.

After eating we all headed to Hy-Vee to drop off Adam and Andrew’s car and to get mine. We left for Ames shortly after that. We arrived there about 9ish and we all changed into PJ’s and sat around watching TV and talking. IT was good times. Andrew video taped a bunch of stuff and we just had our normal good old time.

Finally it came time to go to bed (well it was only midnight, but we went there anyways). We all laid there talking and giggling just as the last two had been.

At some point Andrew got up and went to the bathroom. I said to Adam that we all needed to talk before anything happened and asked if we should all talk tonight or wait tell Saturday to talk in the hot tub, like we normally do. Adam said he didn’t know.

Andrew came back at that point, and I felt like he should have the middle this time, since he’d ALWAYS called the middle and then when Adam ruled him out on that one, he called the wall. Well since the last two times, he and I had switched. I thought it only fair that he get the middle. So Andrew and Adam switched spots.

For a couple minutes after that we sat there talking, and playing around. For me it was so nice to have Andrew there in the middle. Since Adam usually got to sleep next to him. At that point I had hopes that we could all sleep there like that that night, spooning each other, with Andrew in the middle.

Before I knew it, Adam was sucking on Andrews arm again, and I thought to myself (What a wonderfull world! Ok, I know this isn’t the place for joking around, sorry!). But no, I did think to myself that this was wonderfull. That Adam was starting it, and that he knew now that he would be ok with it all. So I started just licking Andrew’s ear, rubbing his chest, I moved down to his crotch, where his hand was already at. So I rubbed his balls and ass.

Adam had also moved along on what he was doing, and soon found himself down in Andrew’s southern area, but not just with his hands. He was also giving him a blowjob (Far past a line that I felt should have been crossed, but they both seemed fine with it, so I let it go). Andrew’s pants has been removed.

So far all I had done was suck his ear, his nipple, fondle his balls and ass. I was in the process of licking and sucking his ear when he started to turn his face towards me, slowly. I knew what he wanted, but wasn’t sure if I was ready to give that. I didn’t know if I loved him enough to kiss him. To make out with him. Because you see, for me, I could give a random guy a blowjob, I’d fuck a random guy, I’d even maybe let a random guy fuck me. But kissing, yes kissing, is the most intamite thing for me. But he kept moving his face closer to mine, and soon we were nose to nose. I we rubbed noses some, but it was like a magnet, I couldn’t stop myself. I started kissing him, just harmless kisses, and then it turned into making out, tounge and all.

We kissed and I rubbed his chest, what a beautiful thing that is. He’s such a cute boi, he’s perfect really, smart, sexy, funny, everything. Sure he doesn’t have much common sense, but how many people in America really do these days. If I weren’t dating Adam right now, I would have been persueing him to the fullest.

Anyways, this whole time we were making out, Adam was sucking his dick, and mine some too, but not much, he would come up and make out with both of us, suck Andrew’s nipples and elbow, etc. Not really doing just one thing like Andrew and I.

Eventually Andrew took over his own cock, as did Adam and I. I couldn’t cum, but the other two did, all over me.

Adam, just like always went right off to get a towel. Andrew had just come and was still stratling me, I sat up and and that magnet was there again. Our lips met and we started making out again. I saw Adam come into the room out of the corner of my eye, and I looked at him. He gave me a death stare and threw the towel at us and left the room. I pushed Andrew off me, and went after Adam, and so that I could shower. I went into the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. I don’t remember what he said, but I could tell that he was pissed off.

He left and I showered. I don’t know what he and Andrew talked about while I was in there, but I could hear them talking.

I got out, and we all laid back in bed. Andrew on the outside edge. Oh, I did I ever want him in the middle. I knew that he was probably feeling left out, as Adam was just a laying there, and not moving. Andrew had his back towards us. I knew he probably wasn’t sleeping.

I tried telling Adam to move and to let Andrew have the middle. This whole experience was to bring us all closer together, to make our relationship be on a higher level then just best-friends, but more of a boyfriend level, and Adam wasn’t helping that now. Even though he had been the one that initiated the whole thing.

The next thing I remember was hearing Adam crying. I rolled over, and asked him what was wrong as softly as I could, as to not alert Andrew. He said something, but I don’t remember what it was, or maybe it’s just that I didn’t care that he felt like shit. I knew Andrew had to have felt even worse, he probably felt like we used him, and I didn’t want that, because I knew that I hadn’t used him and everything that I did was meant.

We tired talking for a while, and then somehow we all were sitting up, Andrew leaning on me, and Adam just sitting there crying. We all talked about what had happened, and how they each felt. Much crying went on from those two.

I don’t know why I didn’t have any problems with it, perhaps it’s because I’m more mature then Adam. Andrew had a real reason to cry. He’s feeling lonely, and the whole situtaion didn’t help that any. I rubbed his back and held his hand, trying to comfort him. I don’t really know what to do besides that when someone’s upset. Anyways, things setled down. And we all went back to sleep, or at least tried to. Adam was still in the middle, even though I requested again that he let Andrew be there. He wasn’t at all touching Andrew, so I put my arm around him and motioned for Andrew’s hand. We fell asleep holding hands.

That was one of the greatest feelings ever for me. To just be there holding his hand. Hopefully showing him that to me he really does mean something, and that I care for him. Hopefully he knows that I care for him on nearly the same level that I care for Adam. And sometimes even more then that.

His hands were so soft, so small, so gental. Not like Adam’s big, sweaty, fat, rough hands.

I awoke during the night, and realized that I was no longer holding Andrew’s hand, so I rolled over in a way that I could again be holding his hand, I reached over Adam and found his hand, and held onto it. He sqeezed it and I looked over Adam and smiled at him.

Throughout the rest of the night I held onto his hand, and rubbed it, just to let him know that he’s not lonely in the world and that there are people here that REALLY do care for him. At times I could feel him kissing my hand, and I would reach up and rub his cheeck and his jaw. I would smile at him and he’d just give me the cutest smile back.

We all eventually got up and had to leave in a hurried fashion.

I told Andrew that I would work out with him that day. Hoping that we could go work out while Adam sold his car. I really wanted to talk to him about his feelings and to make sure that he was alright. And that this wasn’t going to hurt us any. That never happened.

Andrew and I sat in the car infront of Adam’s house waiting for him for a while. We talked some, but he said that he didn’t want to go into it since Adam would be returning shortly. So we didn’t.

The whole day Saturday Adam was pissy, Andrew was upset, and I was in a great mood. I had just had the time of my life with two people who I’m in love with. Why couldn’t they both be just as happy?

Finally it came to a point where I said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH of Adam’s pouting, I drove them all back to Hy-Vee where I was going to make them both go �home�. Andrew got in his car and just sat there, I tried making Adam leave, but he just wouldn’t.

All I wanted was to get rid of him so that I could talk to Andrew. By that point I had done everything I could to make Adam happier, but no one had done a thing to make Andrew feel better, and I felt like I should. My plan was to call him and meet him somewhere. So that we could then talk.

But Adam insisted and he wouldn’t go home. So we eventually got into my car and drove to PC.

Andrew called just as we were arriving. He was in tears and I knew that we had to talk. He came over and we all talked in my room. The whole time I was rubbing his back and holding his hand, just as I had the night before.

I think things were better after that. I’d still wish that Adam would get over his DAMNED issues and realize that if someone else kisses me, or touches me. I’m not going to run off and dump him. It’s those damn feelings themselves that’s going to make me do that. And his fucking irresponsibility (but that’s a whole nother 5 pages private entry to write about some other time).

Andrew left and Adam and I stayed in. I would have really liked to have gone out that night. But Adam controls my life and when he feels like shit, by danm, we have to stay in. But when I don’t want to go out and he does… Well we’re going to go out.

I haven’t really covered my point of view in this post, just what happened. Perhaps that’ll be in a later post. But now I have to leave.

Love,

Cj B

So this is going to be my first private post in a while… Mostly because something happened today that really pissed me off. Also because, I have these feelings that, well, I just don’t want.

First.. The thing that pissed me off. Ginny, asked Adam to her homecoming. Now, I don’t have a problem with him going. I really don’t. To me, it’d be just like going out as friends. But the thing that REALLY pisses me off is how people can be so inconsiderte as to even ASK him in the first place. It’s like HELLO! He’s god a BOY FRIEND! And this isn’t the first time he’s been asked to go somewhere like that. Missy asked him to go to PROM with her last year.

It just really annoys me that these people would even ASK him to go to a dance like those. Grrr. People are just RUDE!

Second, is that we were out this weekend. And lately I’ve been having a thing for Andrew and Mike. I dunno what it is. I really like them, but I love Adam. I don’t know if it’s just my maleness coming out or what. But I want to have sex with them. But I’d never be able to do it unless Adam’s there. I tell him that I want to have sex with them and I know that probably hurts him. But I hope that he knows that I’d never actually do it.

But I and it even hurts me, I want to know why I have these feelings. Why do they turn me on so much. Why am I not happy with having sex with Adam?

Perhaps it’s because Adam doesn’t really satisfy me. He doesn’t kiss before sex, he doesn’t do any of that. It’s just… Ok, lets have sex. And then lets go to bed. I want more in between. I want to have relations with him. When we did things with James (which by the way is over), it was always done slowly, things were moved slowly, but when we’re doing stuff, it’s right to the sex and then it’s over.

Now granted, he’s always got bad breath and that really is a HUGE turn off. I just really can’t deal with that, and I’ve encouraged him to go to the dentist and find out what’s wrong. Because even after he brushes his teeth well, even after he uses mouth wash. I love him, and I enjoy having sex with him… But I want to have more then just sex. I want to be able to make out with him, I want to be able to say that we make out for hours on end. Cause for some reason, it always comes up.

But in the end. I still want to have sex with Mike, and Andrew. And lots of other people. Every day, there’s someone that I’d like to give a blowjob to, or make out with, or have them fuck me. But Adam always stops me. Because I love him.

Edit Note (05-06-03): After what’s been going on the last couple months I feel as though some things should be clarified in this posting. What I felt for Andrew back then wasn’t just a sexual feeling, although that’s what I said in my post. Sometimes I word things in ways that if someone that shouldn’t see it, does see it, they won’t take as much offense as if I had said what I was actually wanting to say. So I re-word them, so that when I go back and read it, I know what happened for real, but no one else does. Anyways, the feelings for Andrew were far greater. And today they have blossomed into a now week long relationship. I know that sounds like such a short time comparitivly, but hey, we’ve made it through one strong week, and hopefully MANY MANY more to come.