Beak’s Reply

You know how they say opposites attract? I wholeheartedly agree with

that-but how do they live together? I think you can love someone without

being in love with them. I still love Kyle, we had a lot of good times

together, he was a great friend, but I’m not in love with him anymore.

There was a point when I was in love but that changed overtime. I think

that we were so different and had such different dreams that it was

pretty much impossible for us to stay in love.

I don’t think Ky and I are going to be able to be friends after the

divorce. I don’t think that there is going to be bitterness but there’s

so much history between us that I don’t think we’ll be able to maintain a

friendship. It makes me sad because he was my best friend and I feel

like I lost that.

I didn’t want to grow old with someone that I wasn’t in love with. I’m

no good at faking it and I’m guessing you aren’t either. It’s hard to

try to force a feeling that’s just not there. I’m trying not to give you

meaningless advice here but I don’t know if I can actually tell you

anything helpful.

So I’m going to hit the list now:

1) Andrew…good call. Boys come and go, friends don’t. If you have a

great friend don’t blow it on a relationship that probably isn’t going to

work out anyway.

2) Friends… Good luck with that. I’m not sure it’s possible to not

have them not go one way or another. Especially if the breakup doesn’t

end well. The only upside to this is that you find out who your real

friends truly are. If someone stops hanging out with you after you guys

break up then screw em. They aren’t worth your time.

3) Prom…That’s really sticky. I’m not sure if I’d want someone who’d

stay with me for the 10days and dump me afterwards or if I’d rather know

up front. I guess I vote for total honesty. If he’s agreeable you guys

get one last great night together, if not then at least he knows and you

were honest.

4) Ring… Can you get it back before you breakup with him without

causing any suspicious weirdness? Can you steal it and not say anything?

I don’t know why he’d want it after you break up. I mean I don’t have

any big feelings for my wedding ring right now. Maybe he’ll be a

grown-up and just give it back if you ask. Just ask before he has time

to get bitter and destructive-lol.

5) 16 long months… Dear Abby gives really good advice here-she says

it’s better to be single and happy than with someone and unhappy. These

few months of being single have been really kind of cool for me. Don’t

be afraid to be alone, it’s not the worst thing in the world, in fact

it’s pretty damn enjoyable. Have sex, have fun, hang onto your heart

until you find someone who deserves it. Don’t settle. If it’s in the

cards for you and Adam to be together you’ll find each other again; if

not you have some great memories of your time together.

Of course the wild card here is Adam. Even with the best of intentions

on how you want this to work out he may decide it’s easier to be hateful

and bitter about it. Just be as kind as you can when the time

comes-leave on a good note, you won’t regret it. Above all else-listen

to your gut-if your gut says leave, then leave.

So one final note on the relationship thing. I learned this the hard

way so if you don’t know then learn from my mistakes. Sex and love

aren’t one and the same. They are completely separate entities. Love

enhances sex, but sex doesn’t create love. Always know the difference

between the two when you’re with someone.

So off that note-how goes everything else? I’m still apartment hunting,

know anything good and cheap? Did I tell you I was looking into ISU? I

can’t afford to go for awhile but I miss school and ISU has one of the

best writing programs on earth.

Speaking off things I miss has it literally been forever since we’ve

done anything together? We have to do something soon.

Ok-I need to go do stuff. Keep me posted.


17:43:46 AcerSai: He asked if we were getting married.

17:43:46 pischkoa: Anything important?

17:44:19 AcerSai: He emant if we were planning to be together for a while…or forevere. I said yes, that I think that and he seemed concerned.

17:44:30 AcerSai: that I might get my hopes up too soon or soemthing.

17:44:56 AcerSai: But it was all good. He said if I was to be with anyone he wants it to be you, he said he knows you’ll take care of me and he trusts you.

Self-Pitty Mode

Going into self-pitty mode, no need to care.

Well with the iminit breakup from Adam, I’ve been thinking a lot about where my life is going to go after that. It’s been so long since I haven’t always had someone to hang out with. I’m sure that I’ll probably continue to have someone after I break up with him. That person being Andrew, but what happens when he goes off to college this summer? I’ll be back into that rut of not having any friends, and nothing to do, no friends to hang out with. I’ll have nothing. And is that what I really want?

I’m pretty sure that I want to get out of this relationship. But there’s still doubts in my mind. I’m not breaking up with him because of Andrew. Because I want him more, or because I know he wants me. I’m breaking up with him because I’m unhappy in our relationship, and I think it’s time to end it. But I’m still not 100% sure. I think it’s mostly because I’m scared of hurting him, and I’m scared of being alone. I don’t want to be alone. I really really don’t want too. But I also don’t see how I can continue on in a relationship that I’m not happy in.

I also have my doubts about Andrew’s motives. He says that he REALLY does like me. But there’s been numberous times that he’s boasted about his being able to get ANY guy he wants to get. Am I just another one of those guys that he wants, and he’s bound to do anything to get me? Is he working at this so hard because he wants to keep that 100%, or does he really really care for me so much. I just don’t know how to feel. I’m so inseure as to why someone so fucking hot and perfect, would want to date me. Now granted, I’m not exactly a blargy or anything, but I’m no where NEAR as good looking as he is, and I really don’t think I’m as fun as he seems to think I am.

Infact, I really honestly don’t see why anyone likes to hang out with me. I just don’t see the properties in me that they see in me. None of them share the same feelings I do for computers, none of them like to camp, as I do. There’s so many other things, that we’re all so different. Eh, I guess as long as they all seem to like me that’s what really matters, right?

Back to this whole Andrew thing. I’d really like to try a realationship with him. Even though I’ve told everyone so far that I wouldn’t. I really would like to try one. Not right after Adam and I break up of course, because well for obvious reasons. But I just don’t know if we should. I mean, what if it doesn’t work out, could we go back to being just friends. Or would that fuck up everything that we have? And what about if it does work out? When he moves off to Cali, what do I do then. I guess that’s one of those things that you just have to wait and see.

I really want to taste the other fruit out there. I’ve had a sample of Andrew Fruit, and it’s much better then Adam fruit. Maybe it was just because it was forbidden fuirt. But I really do enjoy it more. The night we spent together I felt more love, and more right in that bed. Then I have in the bed with Adam in far too long, I can’t even remember the time I felt like what with him, and I think that I should feel like that with him everytime we go to bed.

When we have sex, for like the last many months. I just haven’t felt right about it. I haven’t enjoyed it at all. And when he makes out with me, I feel like I’m kissing a dog that just wants to slobber all over my face. It’s horrible. After I picked up the way to do it from Andrew, I tried that on Adam, to see if perhaps he would catch on and start doing that too. He just stopped and said “What the hell are you doing?” I wanted to tell him that I’m doing it right, and that he sucks… But I just said “Nothing.”

That’s about how I feel.

I’m just scared of being alone… Just like everyone else is.

Letter #2 To Beak

ver last summer, Adam and I met a WHOLE bunch of new people, one person

included… Andrew. Ever since I’ve met him, I’ve had sort of a thing

for him. Nothings every happened between him and I, but we’ve always

known of the others feelings. Well, lately things between Adam and I

have been on the rocks. He doesn’t seem to see it, but I just don’t feel

the same way that I used to. Every little thing that he does annoys the

hell out of me, he’s graduating this spring, and he’s YET to apply to

ANY colleges, he doesn’t have any money because he hasn’t applied for

ANY finacial Aide, he’s been out of a job forever, and now that he has

his old one back at Chili’s all he does is bitch about it. He’s just

very irresponsible, and I can’t handle that.

This last week whilst I was on drugs from my teeth being ripped out of

my head, I went back and read all my old journal entries from when we

were broken up, to shortly after we got back together. And I spent a lot

of time thinking this last week about where I want our relationship to


I realized that I’m not at all happy in our relationship. Mostly because

the feelings for him aren’t there anymore. I still like hanging out with

him, etc. But I just don’t love him anymore, I don’t enjoy having sex

with him, or making out with him, or any of that anymore either. (Sorry

if that’s too much info :-p)

Lately we’ve also been doing a lot of fighting, about really stupid

shit. But I won’t really go into that.

Anyways, long story short. I think that it’s time to end my relationship

with Adam…. However there’s a few problems with this…

1) Andrew… Everyone’s going to think that I’m breaking up with Adam

because I want to get with Andrew, and that’s not at all the reason. In

fact, Andrew and I have even sat down and talked about a possible

realationship between us. We both REALLY like each other, but since he’s

moving to Cali in August we know it’s not going to work out, so there’s

no point in trying it, having it fail and then loose a REALLY good


2) Friends… Right now we both have the SAME friends, neither of us

have friends that aren’t friends with the other. I don’t want to have to

put our friends into a posistion where they have to choose who to hang

out with on the weekends. I’d like to stay friends with Adam once things

are over, but I just don’t know how to do that.

3) Prom… Is coming up soon, as in 1.5 weeks. (Apr 5th). I want to end

our relationship as soon as possible, but I don’t want to leave him

without a date RIGHT before his senior prom. I’d like to end it, and

still go with him, but I don’t think that’d happen. So it’s just a bad

timing things.

4) Ring… Stupid me gave him my senior class ring ($400 value). I don’t

mean to sound mean here, but I want it back!!

5) 16 long months… It’s been 16 long months since I’ve been single, I

know I was single for 19 years before that, but I’m afraid to be single

again. I don’t want to throw those 16 months away. But at the same time,

I feel that… How do I know he’s the ONE for me if I’ve never tasted

any other fruit.

Well to be honest, I have tasted other fruit (no, it wasn’t cheating,

Adam knew, in fact he started it. But that’s another LONG LONG story

that I don’t really want to get into), and I liked that MUCH better then

what I have, am I just being selfish?

I know that 16 months, and being unhappy is a drop in the bucket when

you look at the whole picture of your life. So I don’t really think

that’s that big of a deal, but it’s still there.

I’ve given so much in this relationship, and gotten very little in

return. I spend so much time listening to his stories about bonsia,

going to his meetings for them, and so much other stuff. But as soon as

I start talking about what I’m doing in classes, or my job, or anything

else. He just inturupts and changes the subject. He does it so much that

MANY other people have seen it and they’ve even talked to me about it

and how much it annoys me.

There’s just so many little things that are going on that I can’t really

go into here. But I just need help….

How, When, Where, etc. I’ve never had to do this before, and I’ve only

been dumped once before. I just don’t know how to do it, or if I should.

Anyways, that’s mostly what’s up,

Cj B

The Breakup Letter

Dear Adam,

As I’ve been reading though my old journal entries lately, and remember all the good times that we’ve had together. I’ve been thinking about us and where I want to go in our relationship. It’s brought a lot of issues to my mind, some good, some bad. But in the end I have to make a decision about where I want us to go. I’ve spent a large part of the last couple weeks thinking of just that, and I’ve come to my conclusion. I’m sorry Adam, but I think it’s time that we ended our relationship.

I’m sorry to have to do it. But after reading through everything that we’ve done, it’s made me realize that I don’t feel the same way I used to. I’ve changed, you’ve changed, we’ve changed. You’ve grown closer, and I farther, and I know that now it’s time to move on. I really enjoyed our 16 months together, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. You’ve helped me grow as a person, and I hope that I’ve helped you grow too.

I’m sorry, I’d like to still try and be friends. I’d like to keep the three of us (Andrew, you and me) as a group. If you want to talk, I’m here to talk to, Andrew’s here to talk too, Scott’s here to talk to.

With Love,


“Time takes everything but memories.” In time the pain and loss will be gone but the memories will still be there, and that’s what’s important.