Not Published

Letter #2 To Beak

ver last summer, Adam and I met a WHOLE bunch of new people, one person

included… Andrew. Ever since I’ve met him, I’ve had sort of a thing

for him. Nothings every happened between him and I, but we’ve always

known of the others feelings. Well, lately things between Adam and I

have been on the rocks. He doesn’t seem to see it, but I just don’t feel

the same way that I used to. Every little thing that he does annoys the

hell out of me, he’s graduating this spring, and he’s YET to apply to

ANY colleges, he doesn’t have any money because he hasn’t applied for

ANY finacial Aide, he’s been out of a job forever, and now that he has

his old one back at Chili’s all he does is bitch about it. He’s just

very irresponsible, and I can’t handle that.

This last week whilst I was on drugs from my teeth being ripped out of

my head, I went back and read all my old journal entries from when we

were broken up, to shortly after we got back together. And I spent a lot

of time thinking this last week about where I want our relationship to


I realized that I’m not at all happy in our relationship. Mostly because

the feelings for him aren’t there anymore. I still like hanging out with

him, etc. But I just don’t love him anymore, I don’t enjoy having sex

with him, or making out with him, or any of that anymore either. (Sorry

if that’s too much info :-p)

Lately we’ve also been doing a lot of fighting, about really stupid

shit. But I won’t really go into that.

Anyways, long story short. I think that it’s time to end my relationship

with Adam…. However there’s a few problems with this…

1) Andrew… Everyone’s going to think that I’m breaking up with Adam

because I want to get with Andrew, and that’s not at all the reason. In

fact, Andrew and I have even sat down and talked about a possible

realationship between us. We both REALLY like each other, but since he’s

moving to Cali in August we know it’s not going to work out, so there’s

no point in trying it, having it fail and then loose a REALLY good


2) Friends… Right now we both have the SAME friends, neither of us

have friends that aren’t friends with the other. I don’t want to have to

put our friends into a posistion where they have to choose who to hang

out with on the weekends. I’d like to stay friends with Adam once things

are over, but I just don’t know how to do that.

3) Prom… Is coming up soon, as in 1.5 weeks. (Apr 5th). I want to end

our relationship as soon as possible, but I don’t want to leave him

without a date RIGHT before his senior prom. I’d like to end it, and

still go with him, but I don’t think that’d happen. So it’s just a bad

timing things.

4) Ring… Stupid me gave him my senior class ring ($400 value). I don’t

mean to sound mean here, but I want it back!!

5) 16 long months… It’s been 16 long months since I’ve been single, I

know I was single for 19 years before that, but I’m afraid to be single

again. I don’t want to throw those 16 months away. But at the same time,

I feel that… How do I know he’s the ONE for me if I’ve never tasted

any other fruit.

Well to be honest, I have tasted other fruit (no, it wasn’t cheating,

Adam knew, in fact he started it. But that’s another LONG LONG story

that I don’t really want to get into), and I liked that MUCH better then

what I have, am I just being selfish?

I know that 16 months, and being unhappy is a drop in the bucket when

you look at the whole picture of your life. So I don’t really think

that’s that big of a deal, but it’s still there.

I’ve given so much in this relationship, and gotten very little in

return. I spend so much time listening to his stories about bonsia,

going to his meetings for them, and so much other stuff. But as soon as

I start talking about what I’m doing in classes, or my job, or anything

else. He just inturupts and changes the subject. He does it so much that

MANY other people have seen it and they’ve even talked to me about it

and how much it annoys me.

There’s just so many little things that are going on that I can’t really

go into here. But I just need help….

How, When, Where, etc. I’ve never had to do this before, and I’ve only

been dumped once before. I just don’t know how to do it, or if I should.

Anyways, that’s mostly what’s up,

Cj B

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