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Self-Pitty Mode

Going into self-pitty mode, no need to care.

Well with the iminit breakup from Adam, I’ve been thinking a lot about where my life is going to go after that. It’s been so long since I haven’t always had someone to hang out with. I’m sure that I’ll probably continue to have someone after I break up with him. That person being Andrew, but what happens when he goes off to college this summer? I’ll be back into that rut of not having any friends, and nothing to do, no friends to hang out with. I’ll have nothing. And is that what I really want?

I’m pretty sure that I want to get out of this relationship. But there’s still doubts in my mind. I’m not breaking up with him because of Andrew. Because I want him more, or because I know he wants me. I’m breaking up with him because I’m unhappy in our relationship, and I think it’s time to end it. But I’m still not 100% sure. I think it’s mostly because I’m scared of hurting him, and I’m scared of being alone. I don’t want to be alone. I really really don’t want too. But I also don’t see how I can continue on in a relationship that I’m not happy in.

I also have my doubts about Andrew’s motives. He says that he REALLY does like me. But there’s been numberous times that he’s boasted about his being able to get ANY guy he wants to get. Am I just another one of those guys that he wants, and he’s bound to do anything to get me? Is he working at this so hard because he wants to keep that 100%, or does he really really care for me so much. I just don’t know how to feel. I’m so inseure as to why someone so fucking hot and perfect, would want to date me. Now granted, I’m not exactly a blargy or anything, but I’m no where NEAR as good looking as he is, and I really don’t think I’m as fun as he seems to think I am.

Infact, I really honestly don’t see why anyone likes to hang out with me. I just don’t see the properties in me that they see in me. None of them share the same feelings I do for computers, none of them like to camp, as I do. There’s so many other things, that we’re all so different. Eh, I guess as long as they all seem to like me that’s what really matters, right?

Back to this whole Andrew thing. I’d really like to try a realationship with him. Even though I’ve told everyone so far that I wouldn’t. I really would like to try one. Not right after Adam and I break up of course, because well for obvious reasons. But I just don’t know if we should. I mean, what if it doesn’t work out, could we go back to being just friends. Or would that fuck up everything that we have? And what about if it does work out? When he moves off to Cali, what do I do then. I guess that’s one of those things that you just have to wait and see.

I really want to taste the other fruit out there. I’ve had a sample of Andrew Fruit, and it’s much better then Adam fruit. Maybe it was just because it was forbidden fuirt. But I really do enjoy it more. The night we spent together I felt more love, and more right in that bed. Then I have in the bed with Adam in far too long, I can’t even remember the time I felt like what with him, and I think that I should feel like that with him everytime we go to bed.

When we have sex, for like the last many months. I just haven’t felt right about it. I haven’t enjoyed it at all. And when he makes out with me, I feel like I’m kissing a dog that just wants to slobber all over my face. It’s horrible. After I picked up the way to do it from Andrew, I tried that on Adam, to see if perhaps he would catch on and start doing that too. He just stopped and said “What the hell are you doing?” I wanted to tell him that I’m doing it right, and that he sucks… But I just said “Nothing.”

That’s about how I feel.

I’m just scared of being alone… Just like everyone else is.

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