Not Published – Page 52

Blake’s Death

As anyone who knows me knows, Whenever I start to like someone I tend to spend a lot of time thinking about what our future would be like. I do this with people I’m not even in relationships with. I just like to think about those sorts of things. I think long term, and I think what I’d do after they died and I think about how long we’d be together and I think about our Anniversaries… I think about it all… Just to see if there’s a point to even continuing to harbor a crush or not. For instance, JonJon I knew all along there was no reason in going on withhim. There was no future there.he kept saying he’d change to soemthing that I’d like, but he never would. He still hasn’t. So yeah.

With Blake, I spend more time thinking about his death. He’s sick, I can’t look past that, I know he’ll probably die long before I do if we are to get together or last. And I have to prepare myself. But I think, I think about the day he dies, how I want it to happen. I want him at home, in our bed. I want to be laying next to him holding him to the last breath. I want the funeral to be beutiful, with so many flowers and so many people. I know he’ll have tons of people at his funeral. Because he’s so popular with everyone in his town. I think about the ring I want him to wear, it will be our wedding ring. But I already know where I want to get it and what I want it to look like…

I see myself at the funeral. Sad and alone. No one really comforting me because no one around him accepts his homosexuality. I see myself going up to the coffin after everyone is gone and holding his hand one last time, giving him one last kiss onthe cheek and slipping a note in with him. Telling him of how much I love him..

I see myself after, going back to his grave site, On his birthday, to say hello. I’ll bring him a note every year. And a small birthday cake. I’ll have a picnik there and tell him all about what’s going on in my life.

But untill that day, I see a very happy future… If only we could work out some way to see each other.

Blake No More

Well, I’ve had this strange feeling for a while that Blake wasn’t feeling things as much as I was. His demeaner towards me has changed online, and he hasn’t been wanting to Skype as much as he used to. Also less talkative.

Today I found out why.

4:30:02 PM bnett84: Like with you, i would love to date you but right now it just wouldnt work

4:30:55 PM bnett84: we can still be friends and stuff but I dont think we could have a successful relationship, it would probably end up just like you and Andrew

He says he’d love to date me, and I honestly feel that if that’s true, he’d find a way to do it. But he says he doesn’t. So, I can only assume that means he no longer cares for me the way he says he used to.

But lets go back. I dunno why he suddenly brought this up. I mean, I don’t think I’ve been pushing anything recently? Nothing has changed on my end. Honestly I wasn’t expecting a relationship out of him for at least a year, before ever even thinking about that posibility. But even then it’d probably be pretty slim chance since he lives up there in bakersfield and me down here, and well where would he get a job and all that?

4:36:47 PM bnett84: i just was thinking, i dont want you to be wasting all this time on me when you could be out looking for someone else

I don’t want to be looking for someone else. I’ve tried looking and I can’t find anyone. I’ve talked to a hundred people here in the OC, and none of them do for me what Blake does.. None of them make me feel happy when I think about them, none of them make me sad when their not around.

I just don’t know what to feel now, or how to really act.

4:41:55 PM bnett84: just i want to be able to give my full self to you but right now i cant i have too much going on in my life, school doctor, thoughts of suicide, and a bunch of other stuff

I also feel left out of his life sometimes, thoughts of suicide, not telling me about gettind down to 155. These are big things. It makes me feel more like he doesn’t really care for me as much as he used to. I know how hard it is to talk about thinking of suicide. The more time I spend a lone in my apartment, the closer the holidays get. The more I think about it.

The more I want to just get a gun and do it. But I wish, I just wish he could talk to me.

Even if we are just going to be friends. I still love him as a friend and I want to be move involved in his life by being there to talk to about these things.

Right now I just feel more alone and more sad then I have since Andrew dumped me. And that means a lot.

I’m still going to hope that sometime maybe we can have a relationship.. but for now, my hopes will be less then they were…

Now I have to make the decision about if I should see him Tuesday or not, it might just be too hard, because I’ve been planning this ever since he told me I would get to see him. Been planning how great it would be to see him and how… Well, now it might just be too wierd. I don’t know.

But I have to say, i’m glad he told me now and didn’t wait till then.

I still will think about you ever minute of the day.

Blakes Bad News

So I just got some bad news from Blake.

Apparently he’s got a tumor on his lung, which they think may spread to his heart. That would really suck. I guess they are really going to up his treatments now or something. I’m not really sure. He said he would explain in more detail later.

This makes me really sad, to the point that I’m almost ready to break into tears. I’m sure if I weren’t at work I would be crying. This is bad news. Ever since he told me that he has cancer, I’ve been hoping that he pulls through. I mean, he was a good friend by that time, and it’d suck to lose even a friend, but now that I’m falling in love with him or maybe even in love with him. That’ll suck even more. I want to do something, I wish there was something that I could do for him!

But there’s nothing. 🙁 Not a fucking thing I can do for him, except to sit here and watch him die infront of me.

Fuck you god! Fuck you.

Why do these things have to happen.

I also wish that I could bring pictures to work… I wish I could have it like I did at Krell where I covered my wall with pictures of friends. 🙁 Fuck me for being gay.

You know god, if you’re going to be so evil as to take away Blake, take me too, ya? I’m sick of being gay, and I’m sick of this world!

Issue 1

So I think I’ve made a decision about Blake’s number one issue…

I don’t think I’m going to let it effect me in any way. And if he dies because of cancer, then I’ll just have to live with that. I really like him and think that there might be something there that can work out in the long run. I mean, he was so amazing. I haven’t felt like this since andrew and I started.. Honestly. I mean even after this short weekend together I find myself thinking about him all the time.. And not to sound creepy but I like to look at his pictures and just sit there and think about him. And I missed him when he was gone.

So yeah, I think that if something were to happen.. and then he passed. I’d be happier in the long run then if nothing happened. Because at least then I can say, I had this great boyfriend… (Well hopefully he’ll be a great boyfriend. haha).

But I really hope that he can pull through. I guess only time will tell.

Andrew and sex

So, just found out that andrew has made out with 7 people while over there in europe. Blowjobs with 2 and fucked one…

That really hurts. It just kinda pushes him over into the slutty column for me… I mean he’s always been a little easy, and that just did it.

And then the following conversation kinda makes me feel like things are completly over with him and I.

It just really hurts.

6:49:31 AM blackc2004: yes.

6:49:33 AM blackc2004: what’s up?

6:49:40 AM squall0112: not much chilling in spain

6:49:47 AM blackc2004: chilling?

6:49:49 AM blackc2004: lol

6:49:58 AM squall0112: actually sweating to death

6:50:03 AM blackc2004: lol… join the club

6:50:04 AM squall0112: haha my mom emailed you after i talked to her earlier

6:50:17 AM blackc2004: She’s one crazy woman

6:50:21 AM squall0112: yeah

6:50:28 AM blackc2004: so what’s up?

6:50:28 AM squall0112: hows work

6:50:31 AM squall0112: i cant find the question mark

6:50:35 AM blackc2004: boring.. i haven’t done shit all day

6:50:35 AM squall0112: nothing, im spending the day by myself

6:50:40 AM squall0112: sounds fun

6:50:41 AM blackc2004: why by yourself/

6:50:52 AM blackc2004: not really i’m working 10 hours m-w… and have NOTHING to do

6:50:55 AM squall0112: well for one, no one is around

6:51:05 AM squall0112: and for two, ive had enough of people and just wanted some alone time

6:51:13 AM blackc2004: Ahhh

6:51:16 AM blackc2004: well i’m sure it’ll be fun

6:51:17 AM squall0112: so i wrote a paper in this really cool temple ish fountain thing

6:51:21 AM squall0112: then sat under a tree and read a book

6:51:23 AM squall0112: well im almost done

6:51:31 AM squall0112: im going back to the ship after im done with the computer

6:51:36 AM blackc2004: yeah.. i forgot it’sl ike 4 or somethihng, eh

6:51:41 AM squall0112: yeah almost 4

6:51:51 AM squall0112: plus, yo uread my email i sent– im so tired of travelling

6:51:59 AM blackc2004: i can imagine

6:52:12 AM squall0112: luckily its over

6:52:15 AM squall0112: well not luckily

6:52:23 AM squall0112: i dont want to be here, but i dont want to go home if that makes sense

6:52:25 AM blackc2004: well it’ll be good to have you back around here to talk to

6:52:32 AM blackc2004: yes, i know what you mean

6:53:01 AM squall0112: yeah i probably have 87093287493 stories

6:53:15 AM squall0112: though i must say, im now very jealous of you for where you got to go in mexico

6:53:28 AM blackc2004: lol… well we’ll have to use skype to talk about it all

6:53:29 AM blackc2004: why?

6:54:07 AM squall0112: skype?

6:54:13 AM squall0112: cause the guggenheim had this huge aztec exhibit

6:54:21 AM blackc2004: Ahhh. yes.

6:54:21 AM squall0112: and the stuff was so cool, now im dying to go see it for real

6:54:26 AM blackc2004: I’ll explain skype when you get back

6:54:33 AM blackc2004: well maybe we can go see it.

6:54:44 AM blackc2004: but only if you take me to europe somewhere.

6:54:52 AM squall0112: czech republic maybe

6:54:58 AM squall0112: or norway again

6:55:07 AM squall0112: or any of the places ive been again really, id love to do all of them over

6:55:15 AM blackc2004: yeah.

6:55:24 AM squall0112: guess what the picture count is?

6:55:38 AM blackc2004: I told you ben moved there for 6 months, no?.. i wish I had got that chance!

6:55:40 AM blackc2004: 2,000?

6:56:11 AM squall0112: no i didnt know he moved there

6:56:13 AM squall0112: 3300

6:56:21 AM blackc2004: wow

6:56:26 AM blackc2004: thats a ton dsgit

6:56:47 AM squall0112: mm hmm

6:56:52 AM squall0112: its over 3.7 gigs

6:57:05 AM squall0112: there are a lot of repeats

6:57:08 AM squall0112: but they are all so fun

6:57:14 AM squall0112: when are you coming to see them?

6:57:42 AM blackc2004: i dunno yet

6:57:53 AM squall0112: ill send yo ua few teasers

6:57:54 AM blackc2004: we both have a three day weekend the week after you get back

6:57:59 AM squall0112: and youll be DYING for the rest

6:58:02 AM squall0112: oh thank god

6:59:12 AM blackc2004: but I dunno if I’ll come back or not… i would have just got back from there!

6:59:29 AM squall0112: why not just extend your vaca a day or two

6:59:40 AM blackc2004: because I already have the flight

7:00:33 AM squall0112: itll cost much less to change than to plan a whole other trip

7:00:49 AM blackc2004: yeah, well i’ll talk to my boss about it… but I don’t think we can work that out

7:01:08 AM squall0112: ahh sadness

7:01:18 AM squall0112: so is anything happening in your life? your emails are sparsely detailed

7:01:23 AM blackc2004: yes…. so are you ever going to answer my question?

7:01:38 AM blackc2004: that’s because my life is sparsely detailed… like I said, I sit around on my couch all day

7:01:58 AM squall0112: ill answer your questio if you tell me why you want to know

7:02:04 AM blackc2004: because I do

7:02:36 AM squall0112: that isnt an answer

7:02:42 AM squall0112: i will reveal all if i konw why

7:02:46 AM blackc2004: yes it is… I want to know what you did.

7:02:49 AM squall0112: and if you tell me what you did with the boys youve beenseeing

7:03:01 AM blackc2004: i haven’t done anything with any boys.

7:03:07 AM blackc2004: i haven’t even made out

7:03:35 AM squall0112: ahh

7:03:42 AM squall0112: i think im done after this trip

7:04:09 AM blackc2004: done with what? And what did you two do? and how many boys did you make out with in spain?

7:04:22 AM squall0112: only one

7:04:52 AM blackc2004: so that’s like a total of 5 or 6 now?

7:05:00 AM blackc2004: did you get one in every country then?

7:05:11 AM squall0112: total of 7

7:05:12 AM squall0112: nope

7:05:13 AM squall0112: 2 in russia

7:05:16 AM squall0112: none in poland

7:05:23 AM blackc2004: well russia made up for it.

7:05:24 AM squall0112: or norway

7:05:29 AM blackc2004: so what did you and mark do?

7:05:55 AM squall0112: i dont want to get into any arguments over aim, so please just tell me why you want to know

7:06:00 AM squall0112: i hav eno problem telling you i just want to know why

7:06:07 AM blackc2004: just because I want to know

7:06:11 AM blackc2004: that’s the only reason I want to know

7:06:21 AM squall0112: you best not get mad then

7:06:47 AM blackc2004: i already am mad that you made out with 7, i’d just like to know what all you’ve done… so just be honest

7:06:57 AM squall0112: why are you mad??

7:07:16 AM blackc2004: that’s not important, i don’t want to get in a fight… i’d just like to know please

7:07:24 AM squall0112: i made out with 7, hooked up with 3

7:07:33 AM blackc2004: hooked up with… meaning?

7:07:47 AM squall0112: you want details?

7:07:56 AM blackc2004: well i want to know what all hooked up entails?

7:08:08 AM squall0112: with one guy it was blowjobs

7:08:22 AM squall0112: another one blew and rimmed me but i didnt do anything to him

7:08:54 AM blackc2004: and?

7:09:19 AM squall0112: and i had sex with marc

7:09:27 AM squall0112: for like 5 minutes

7:09:42 AM blackc2004: ok

7:09:52 AM squall0112: youre mad

7:10:09 AM blackc2004: i told you i was already mad… so it’s not a big deal

7:10:20 AM squall0112: yes and now its yoru turn to tell me why you are mad

7:11:21 AM blackc2004: I don’t want to fight about this, because then you will just blame me for ruining your last days on your trip.. so don’t worry about it.. It’s not a big deal

7:11:52 AM squall0112: i guarantee you it wont turn into a fight, my days will not be ruined

7:12:00 AM squall0112: just tell me and then we will switch the topic to something else

7:12:37 AM blackc2004: my opinion of you just isn’t very good right now.

7:12:44 AM squall0112: why

7:13:22 AM blackc2004: because you’ve made out with more people in the last 2 months then I have in my life! And if we were to get back tother, i’d like someone who’s a little less loose.

7:13:42 AM squall0112: less loose, what does that mean

7:13:57 AM squall0112: you konw im still less loose, or whatever, than most other guys you know

7:13:58 AM blackc2004: not a slut.

7:14:07 AM squall0112: im not a slut

7:14:20 AM squall0112: kissing a few guys overa summer in europe makes someone a slut?

7:14:20 AM blackc2004: well now we’re fighting about this.

7:14:23 AM blackc2004: so change the topic

7:14:34 AM squall0112: im not fighting at all, im merely asking

7:14:35 AM squall0112: im not pissed

7:14:51 AM blackc2004: yes, well I am.. and I’m at work and about ready to just cry. so I want to change the topic. please

7:15:03 AM squall0112: do you want me to call you?

7:15:13 AM blackc2004: no. I’m at work

7:15:18 AM squall0112: ok

7:15:26 AM squall0112: well you can call the ship if you want

7:15:44 AM blackc2004: we can just talk about it when you get back

7:16:13 AM squall0112: well just answer me this… were you looking to get back together once i return ?

7:16:26 AM blackc2004: I was

7:16:45 AM squall0112: even though we live far away?

7:16:57 AM blackc2004: that’s what you asked me to think about wasn’t it?”!

7:17:12 AM blackc2004: that’s why I haven’t done anything with anyone all summer.

7:18:28 AM squall0112: but we dont live close to each other

7:18:39 AM squall0112: weree you going to move? were you going to tell me about this?

7:18:51 AM blackc2004: obviously I was going to talk to you about it once you got back

7:19:04 AM blackc2004: we haven’t had the best medium for talking about things like this all summer, have we?

7:19:31 AM squall0112: no but i thought you wouldve mentioned it

7:19:41 AM squall0112: you didnt answer aboutt he moving

7:19:49 AM blackc2004: i’m still looking for a job

7:20:46 AM squall0112: ok

7:21:11 AM squall0112: sorry i dont know what to say

7:21:30 AM squall0112: but dont be pissed, you knew i was gonna make out with boys on the trip

7:22:08 AM blackc2004: i didn’t think this many, nor that you’d have sex with them either

7:22:22 AM squall0112: well with marc it was different though

7:22:32 AM blackc2004: different how? you knew him like 4 days

7:22:56 AM squall0112: liek i said it was only a few minutes, and i actually liked him

7:23:04 AM squall0112: liek i said it was only a few minutes, and i actually liked him

7:23:08 AM squall0112: yeah but it snot like we met at the bar and i went and fucked him

7:23:27 AM squall0112: that would be bad, but we liked each other and went on dates and it ended up happening

7:23:31 AM blackc2004: I thought we were not going to talk bout this anymore

7:23:42 AM squall0112: you have no room to talk cause you and jon had sex and you werent dating

7:23:47 AM squall0112: and at least i was honest with you about marc, you lied to me

7:24:03 AM squall0112: so weve had sex with the same amount of people

7:24:21 AM blackc2004: we’re not bringing this up now! jonjon and I ended up dating.. you’ll probably never see marc again!

7:24:37 AM squall0112: not true, he wants to visit iowa

7:24:54 AM blackc2004: yeah, and you think there’s any future relationship there?!

7:25:02 AM squall0112: im not saying there is

7:25:10 AM squall0112: if i lived in ireland or he lived here, yeah

7:25:19 AM blackc2004: i thought we were CHANGING ThE TOPIC

7:25:25 AM squall0112: you knew jon for like a week or two when he fucked you, did you know there was a relationship there?

7:25:35 AM squall0112: ok change topic then

7:25:58 AM blackc2004: NO, but at least we knew each other like a MONTH is more the correct time frame.. .and he LIVED HERE

7:26:51 AM squall0112: ok well drop it–like you told me when i found out you lied for 9 months–it happened and i cant change it now

7:27:15 AM squall0112: and i think considering what you did, this isnt any worse by any means

7:27:45 AM blackc2004: we’re even for what I did… did you forget the night you came clean of all your shit too?

7:28:03 AM squall0112: and yet none of it was near as bad as lying for nine months straight to my face

7:28:07 AM squall0112: or physically hurting me

7:28:26 AM squall0112: i dont want to talk about this

7:28:34 AM blackc2004: yeah, that’s what I said forever ago!

7:28:41 AM blackc2004: and you still wouldn’t drop it.. just like always

7:28:46 AM blackc2004: now you’ve opened the can of worms.

7:28:48 AM blackc2004: thanks a lot

7:28:51 AM squall0112: i have to go because im paying for this — i want you to email me and tell me what it is thats going on

7:29:02 AM blackc2004: fine, have fun.

7:29:03 AM blackc2004: bye

7:29:16 AM squall0112: well you just had to know what i did with marc even though you knew it would hurt you

7:29:31 AM blackc2004: and you’re the one who wouldn’t fucking drop the conversation!

7:29:36 AM blackc2004: JUST LIke ALWAYS

7:29:53 AM squall0112: well if im always doing things like this, why do you want to date me?

7:30:03 AM blackc2004: well now I’m wondering if I do.

7:30:12 AM blackc2004: we haven’t talked in months and the first thing we do is get in a fight,

7:30:15 AM blackc2004: so maybe I was wrong

7:30:17 AM blackc2004: maybe I don’t anymore

7:30:27 AM squall0112: we fight b-c you had to know what i did

7:30:34 AM squall0112: it didnt have to be a fight, you are the one who called me a slut

7:30:36 AM blackc2004: no, we fight because you wouldn’t drop it

7:30:56 AM blackc2004: we fight because you are bringing up things that we’ve reconciled long ago!

7:31:03 AM squall0112: well its dropped now– id like you to email me and tell me what it is thats been going on in your head this summer

7:31:09 AM squall0112: if you dont want to, then fine, but its only fair

7:31:21 AM blackc2004: i’m not going to. we can tal about it when you get back

7:31:32 AM squall0112: fine YOU bring it up then

7:31:55 AM squall0112: and for gods saks dont make it during our first conversation, the week i get back will be stressful enough

7:32:02 AM blackc2004: fine

7:32:09 AM squall0112: will you stop saying fine

7:32:24 AM squall0112: you wont have any contact at all with me for at least 2 weeks so try and be nice

7:32:34 AM blackc2004: ME? ME? you try and be nice!

7:32:49 AM squall0112: im trying, but one of my friends just called me a slut

7:32:58 AM squall0112: and i was already having a bad day

7:33:27 AM squall0112: i have to go the things at 2 euros and i have to catch the bus

7:33:33 AM blackc2004: ok

7:33:38 AM blackc2004: have a good rest of the trip

7:33:40 AM blackc2004: goodbye

7:33:44 AM squall0112: thak you

7:33:47 AM squall0112: take care

7:33:48 AM squall0112: bye