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Blake No More

Well, I’ve had this strange feeling for a while that Blake wasn’t feeling things as much as I was. His demeaner towards me has changed online, and he hasn’t been wanting to Skype as much as he used to. Also less talkative.

Today I found out why.

4:30:02 PM bnett84: Like with you, i would love to date you but right now it just wouldnt work

4:30:55 PM bnett84: we can still be friends and stuff but I dont think we could have a successful relationship, it would probably end up just like you and Andrew

He says he’d love to date me, and I honestly feel that if that’s true, he’d find a way to do it. But he says he doesn’t. So, I can only assume that means he no longer cares for me the way he says he used to.

But lets go back. I dunno why he suddenly brought this up. I mean, I don’t think I’ve been pushing anything recently? Nothing has changed on my end. Honestly I wasn’t expecting a relationship out of him for at least a year, before ever even thinking about that posibility. But even then it’d probably be pretty slim chance since he lives up there in bakersfield and me down here, and well where would he get a job and all that?

4:36:47 PM bnett84: i just was thinking, i dont want you to be wasting all this time on me when you could be out looking for someone else

I don’t want to be looking for someone else. I’ve tried looking and I can’t find anyone. I’ve talked to a hundred people here in the OC, and none of them do for me what Blake does.. None of them make me feel happy when I think about them, none of them make me sad when their not around.

I just don’t know what to feel now, or how to really act.

4:41:55 PM bnett84: just i want to be able to give my full self to you but right now i cant i have too much going on in my life, school doctor, thoughts of suicide, and a bunch of other stuff

I also feel left out of his life sometimes, thoughts of suicide, not telling me about gettind down to 155. These are big things. It makes me feel more like he doesn’t really care for me as much as he used to. I know how hard it is to talk about thinking of suicide. The more time I spend a lone in my apartment, the closer the holidays get. The more I think about it.

The more I want to just get a gun and do it. But I wish, I just wish he could talk to me.

Even if we are just going to be friends. I still love him as a friend and I want to be move involved in his life by being there to talk to about these things.

Right now I just feel more alone and more sad then I have since Andrew dumped me. And that means a lot.

I’m still going to hope that sometime maybe we can have a relationship.. but for now, my hopes will be less then they were…

Now I have to make the decision about if I should see him Tuesday or not, it might just be too hard, because I’ve been planning this ever since he told me I would get to see him. Been planning how great it would be to see him and how… Well, now it might just be too wierd. I don’t know.

But I have to say, i’m glad he told me now and didn’t wait till then.

I still will think about you ever minute of the day.

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