Not Published – Page 49

Good bye, Achgeluneuch.

To me, Blake died today…

He’s made the choice to end our friendship. I caught him in what seems like a lie a last week. I asked him that if he were telling the truth to bring me a picture. Just ONE PICTURE is all I requested. He was down last night to see Austin and didn’t bring the picture, nor did he stop at my house to discuss it. He CLAIMS that every picture of his “best friend” that he’s had his ENTIRE life is in storage. YEAH RIGHT!

I regret ever introducing Austin and Blake. This whole issue with Blake is putting a HUGE strain on the friendship with Austin, and being that that friendship is so new, I’m not sure it can overcome the issues.

I respect Austin for not just ending his friendship with Blake as Blake hasn’t DONE anything to Austin yet, but at the same time it pisses me off. Because Austin was the one who REALLY started to push my doubts about him.

Whatever, fucking jack ass people. I think it’s REALLY time to get the hell out of here.

Mysterious Skin

I watched the movie Mysterious Skin last night. It was really good. A little slow moving, but still really good. It amazes me how many movies Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a gay man, or a gay-identified person. Makes you wonder if he really is gay! lol.

Other then that I spent the night being pissed off at Austin. He just seems way too moody for me. He got pissed because of the friends only post that I wrote about him. I dunno what to do, should I really change what I’ve been doing for the last 5 years because of him, or should I just say, “learn to live with it”?

I’m thinking he’s too much work to deal with, he’s pulling on my emotions way too much. First one way then the other… And he’s a complete jackass when talking to him online. He’ll ask you for something and then get mad at you when you try and talk to him about it, IE this whole being mad last night, I had to drag it out of him. And he’s always just signing off / going away in the middle of converstations, etc.

It’s just that I’m so happy and have a really good time with him when we hang out, but any other time he just pisses me off.

I’m not sure if Blake is coming down today or not. Either way I really don’t want to see him, but if he does come down him and Austin will hang out… They hung out this past weekend… It makes me really jealous. Mostly because Blake lied about something to big, I just don’t see how Austin can still want to hang out with him. But then like he said, “I don’t have as much tied up in him as you do”.

If I find out that Austin acts at all with Blake the way he acts around me, I’d have to just stop talking to him, because clearly then he wouldn’t really be meaning the way he acts with me.

Blah, Boys! ! !

Night With Austin

Ok, so the confusion is still going strong!

Warning, TMI to follow:

Last night Austin txted me and said he would be back in the area about 9 and wanted to go to Luckys. So he came over, and like the second he was in the door he was all over me, cuddling with me and shit on the couch and rubbing my head and being all cute and this…

So then I showered and he made himself dinner. I got all pretty, nice new pants and a nice shirt, did my hair and put in contacts. Everything!

Then we sit down on the couch waiting to go and again he’s being all cuddly and stuff, then its time and he’s like, “I’d rather just stay here and talk with you”. So that was nice of him to say.

So we lay around on the couch and watch TV and it’s getting late and I’m getting tired so I just suggest he spend the night cause it was REALLY foggy out and you couldn’t see anything. So we go and lay in the bedroom and he watches TV for a while and stuff.

I fall asleep for a while then all of a sudden he grabs my hand and puts it on his penis (he still had underwear on). And he says, “Why don’t you ever want to touch me.” And I just wantd to say so badly… “Why don’t you ever want to kiss me.” But I didn’t want to get into it then, it was too nice cuddling with him and stuff. lol. So I leave my hand there and start playing with him a bit through his underwear and he’s playing with me. Then he starts kissing my cheak and my arm and he starts to move in like he’s going to kiss me for real, and I’m getting all excited then at the last minute he moves and kisses me on the corner of my mouth and then backs off some.

So eventually we both end up nude and we jack each other off… And that was nice, but whatever. So we slept nude and cuddled all night…

I just wish that he would freaking stop confusing me so much! Make out with me and do something… Gah, it’s just so confusing.

Boys, I tell ya!

Saturday Night…In

Ugh, another weekend of doing nothing. And with Ausitn out of town, I haven’t even had him to bug to hang out. haha.

So I’ve sat in my apartment all weekend playing video games, catching up on the pile of reading that’s been sitting around my house for months. And getting back into my book. So I guess it’s been good. I did get on my bike yesterday and did 10 miles. I’m thinking that maybe next weekend I should get Robert together again and go biking on saturday morning before going up to LA.

Strangly enough I had a dream about that last night too… We had this big group of people together, it was WF, DS, and MH all from work, and then Robert, Ben, Austin and me. Strangely enough I introduced Austin to the work guys as “my boy”… I might get into my thinking behind that a little later. Anyways, we all went on a bike ride and it was fun.

Last night this guy Drew, who I’ve been talking to forever, wanted to hang out… But he changed his mind at the last minute. Probably for the better anyways, because I think he wanted a little more then just hanging out… As illistrated by his saying, “I’m a top and you’re a bottom, we’ll see where that goes”. He seems like a cool guy, but whatever. I ended up getting Vinnie to come over and hang out. We watched Annie. Then we hung out for a while, he left about 1am and I went to bed.

I got up about 8:30 this morning and have just been sitting around. Nothing is on TV, it all sucks. Damn football.

Ugh, I’m so annoyed with stuff right now, I’m getting really depressed. I just want that damn bf, that I was supposed to have by now. I’m getting older, I don’t want to end up being one of those old guys who hangs out at the bars all the time or on A4A because I don’t have a special someone… I know it’s been over a year and a half since Andrew broke up with me, but I’m just still so pissed that my plans got all fucked up and now I just still feel lost.

I was talking to Austin the other day about it and he said, “So you need another guy before you feel like you’ll have a purpose again.”

Well, I guess in a way… The answer is “Yes”. I want to have that life of coming home to someone every night, someone to sit down to dinner with, someone that I’ll always have to go somewhere with. I hate never knowing where I’m going tomorrow of if I’ll have something to do on the weekend. I hate not being able to plan 3 or 4 months in advance for a trip because you never know if you’ll still be talking to someone then! IE, The Iowa trip last year, going to the theater, etc.

I guess I just have kinda of a White Picket Fence House Dream… The gay version. haha.

I really hope that this next week goes by fast. Austin may or may not be out of town. But I don’t thinke ither way it will make much of a difference, as he hasn’t been wanting to hang out as much lately. (more on this later). Either way, this next weekend should prove to be a good weekend, going to dinner with Mark and Austin, then drinks with them and Scott. Sunday my aunt and the other woman are coming down this way, or I’m going that way. One or the other. And hopefully Austin will come for that as well. It’ll be good to see her, sad that beak isn’t coming as well though.

Soooo Then. About this whole Austin thing….

It’s really been messing with my emotions lately. We started out really strongly, hanging out nearly every day, he went through this period of calling me ‘hun’ and ‘babe’. We spent the night a lot (still we have not had sex/bjs/etc). He said he missed me when his mom was here, he even suggested we just spend the night at each others house every night.

Robert interrogated him, and he said he wanted more from me then just friendship. (Though, who knows if Robert understood right).

Then all of a sudden he went through this period of barely talking to me, not wanting to hang out and when we did he didn’t want to cuddle anymore.

Then last Wed, we hung out and he was all cuddly and we slept together, and he choose just hanging out and talking with me over going out to the club.

Yet he still says he just wants to be friends!

Cleary, if you’ve paid any attention to my blogs, I want more! I think if he doesn’t then we’ll have to stop the whole cuddling/sleeping together thing. Because I’m getting to attached. I got so jealous of him this weekend when I found out he slept at some other boys house.

With Justin it works, because I know how he feels about me, he knows how I feel about him, and we both know it wouldn’t work out if we did have a relationship. So we can sleep together, make out, hell, even bjs. But with Austin he’s so all over the map, that it’s just hurting me.

I’m hoping that it’s all just because of the whole no job thing… That he doesn’t want to get involoved with someone incase a job out of the area comes up.

I just wish there were a simple answer to the whole thing.

Adios all!

WTF Austin…

No, I’m not OK, and I’ll tell you why…

You are the one who’s been telling me all along, “This guy is creepy”, ” I wouldn’t hang out with him”, etc, etc etc… And yet, now that I’ve caught him in a major lie you go and still hang out with him and you’re acting all like nothing’s wrong and he’s this great person now.

I’ve feel like I’ve been deceived for the last 6 months about who he really is, and what’s really going on. Who knows if he even REALLY lives in bakersfield any more?! Can you imagine how pissed off you would be if you felt like someone had been deceiving you for so long, that someone who you spent a lot of time trying to help out and be friends with and put a lot of emotional time into this has been deceiving you for so long? You probably have no idea at all how pissed I am.

And now to add insult to injury, I feel like I’ve been punched yet again by you hanging out with him… Oh, and not to mention the part where he claims you said you loved him (I assume that’s what he’s talking about because he said, “Austin said something that took you three months to say”… which would be that.)… Who knows if that’s true or not any more, but if it is, then yet another punch because again… you were the one who was constantly saying. “This guy is creepy”, “Stay away”….

So WTF? goodnight.

————————————————————————————

chris

im really sorry i logged off on u. i already feel bad about it. i don’t want you to hate me for this whole situation.

i don’t know blake at all as well as you do.. so its not like i’m a good judge of character. i can go off of what you’ve told me.. but you are the one who has experienced the friendship with blake.

if this lieing thing is an issue then maybe you should talk to him on the phone and figure it out. I have no idea what to say. And i don’t think i’m a two faced person.. i was judging blake after hearing he was getting in fights all the time and blah blah blah.. and i told him not to get into fights anymore because i thought it was stupid.. and was like ok and so he stopped getting into fights.

maybe he paints these stories in order to create an image of him that he wants others to believe. His lies don’t affect me. He wanted to come down here.. it was nice talkign about high school memories and living in bakersfield and talkign shit about the same people we know.

so i’m sorry i’m too tired to strand logical thoughts together. i don’t want you to stop being my friend 🙁

bye

austin

————————————————————————————

Austin,

Honestly I don’t want to hate you either… I really like you a lot, just as a friend, since that’s all you want, but I do like you, and you’ve been a great friend so far… I’m sorry that I’m being so emotional, about this whole thing, it’s just that I’ve been through so much for blake, like i said, i was worried to death about him all through christmas vacationwhile i was back home, i nearly broke down in tears on christmas day because i was so worried about him. And then to find out that all of this shit could possibly be lies. To find out that he’s possibly made up two completely fictitious people. It just pisses me off so much and hurts me so much… I tried to get him to talk about this whole thing and to find out what’s going on, he refuses to call me, always has some lame excuse, refuses to let me call him, refuses to get jake to call me. It’s all just too much right now, on top of other things that I’ll get to in a minute.

When we first started hanging out and you were backing me on this I felt that maybe I was justified in being suspicious about these things, that maybe it was time to start really digging into it. Then when I caught this thing, I was hoping that you’d back me, but I just felt deserted when you continued on with your plans to have him down… And I’m sorry, i’ve just been sitting here stewing in my own anger now all night and I was just taking it out on you rather then trying to get information out of blake. I still want to trust him, but until i get some sort of hard proof that he’s not lying, I have to just assume that everything he says is a lie. I have nothing to judge him on like you do of stories about bakersfield, if he says a falsity of bakersfield, i wouldn’t be able to catch him on that, whereas you would. Thus this really gives him even more room to lie tome about things.

To reference your point of you told him to stop getting into fights, he really hasn’t though. He continues to tell me about fights that he gets into nearly every other day. He claimed he got a black eye just this past friday or saturday. So again, I’m not sure if he’s lying there or just not telling you about these fights he’s been getting into.

You said that I was trying to control who you can and can’t be friends with, I’m not trying to do that at all. I don’t like people to tell me what to do, and I don’t want to tell other people what to do, you should be free to live your life how you please. Andrew and I went through a lot of control issues when we were doing the LDR thing, and I know how controlling some people can be, I don’t want to be anything like what I went through with him during some of those times… And definitely not to my friends! You can be friends with him as much as you like. I’m going to try and talk to him about this and maybe work something out. I’ve put too much into it already to just throw it away, so I will see what can be done to rescue it, perhaps I will meet him next week and we will have a long chat.

I’d also like to reference you’re thinking this has anything to do with you not wanting to kiss me.. Because it doesn’t. if you don’t want too, then that’s your own whatever, I have no problems with it. Sure I’d like to be able to kiss you, but I’m not going to hold it against you for not wanting to. You’ve stated that you only want to be friends with me and that’s fine. Although, i’d like to know if you’re being completely honest about your reasoning for not wanting too?

My last issue is that it’s really hurting me that you’re getting so upset with me about not having a job, and when I try to help you get mad at me.. I’d like to help you out as much as I can, it’s my nature to help people that I like, I go way out of my way for a lot of my friends, and do things that most friends never would. So I hope that you will take my help and not get mad at me for trying to help. I only want the best for you and all my friends. I know that it’s probably very frustrating for you, I was freaking out in January about not having a job lined up for August, so I do know how you feel.. I just wish that you would not take it out on me, and that you would let me help you out.

To close, I’d like to re-iterate that I don’t want to loose you as a friend.. Out of ALL the people that I’ve met since moving here to the OC, you and I have clicked the best by FAR, I don’t want to loose that friendship, and I’d like to continue building on that to become better friends. I hope that we can hang out again soon, I do miss it. And I’ve been craving to watch some Sex and the city with you!

Take care, and with love…

Cj B