Ugh, another weekend of doing nothing. And with Ausitn out of town, I haven’t even had him to bug to hang out. haha.
So I’ve sat in my apartment all weekend playing video games, catching up on the pile of reading that’s been sitting around my house for months. And getting back into my book. So I guess it’s been good. I did get on my bike yesterday and did 10 miles. I’m thinking that maybe next weekend I should get Robert together again and go biking on saturday morning before going up to LA.
Strangly enough I had a dream about that last night too… We had this big group of people together, it was WF, DS, and MH all from work, and then Robert, Ben, Austin and me. Strangely enough I introduced Austin to the work guys as “my boy”… I might get into my thinking behind that a little later. Anyways, we all went on a bike ride and it was fun.
Last night this guy Drew, who I’ve been talking to forever, wanted to hang out… But he changed his mind at the last minute. Probably for the better anyways, because I think he wanted a little more then just hanging out… As illistrated by his saying, “I’m a top and you’re a bottom, we’ll see where that goes”. He seems like a cool guy, but whatever. I ended up getting Vinnie to come over and hang out. We watched Annie. Then we hung out for a while, he left about 1am and I went to bed.
I got up about 8:30 this morning and have just been sitting around. Nothing is on TV, it all sucks. Damn football.
Ugh, I’m so annoyed with stuff right now, I’m getting really depressed. I just want that damn bf, that I was supposed to have by now. I’m getting older, I don’t want to end up being one of those old guys who hangs out at the bars all the time or on A4A because I don’t have a special someone… I know it’s been over a year and a half since Andrew broke up with me, but I’m just still so pissed that my plans got all fucked up and now I just still feel lost.
I was talking to Austin the other day about it and he said, “So you need another guy before you feel like you’ll have a purpose again.”
Well, I guess in a way… The answer is “Yes”. I want to have that life of coming home to someone every night, someone to sit down to dinner with, someone that I’ll always have to go somewhere with. I hate never knowing where I’m going tomorrow of if I’ll have something to do on the weekend. I hate not being able to plan 3 or 4 months in advance for a trip because you never know if you’ll still be talking to someone then! IE, The Iowa trip last year, going to the theater, etc.
I guess I just have kinda of a White Picket Fence House Dream… The gay version. haha.
I really hope that this next week goes by fast. Austin may or may not be out of town. But I don’t thinke ither way it will make much of a difference, as he hasn’t been wanting to hang out as much lately. (more on this later). Either way, this next weekend should prove to be a good weekend, going to dinner with Mark and Austin, then drinks with them and Scott. Sunday my aunt and the other woman are coming down this way, or I’m going that way. One or the other. And hopefully Austin will come for that as well. It’ll be good to see her, sad that beak isn’t coming as well though.
Soooo Then. About this whole Austin thing….
It’s really been messing with my emotions lately. We started out really strongly, hanging out nearly every day, he went through this period of calling me ‘hun’ and ‘babe’. We spent the night a lot (still we have not had sex/bjs/etc). He said he missed me when his mom was here, he even suggested we just spend the night at each others house every night.
Robert interrogated him, and he said he wanted more from me then just friendship. (Though, who knows if Robert understood right).
Then all of a sudden he went through this period of barely talking to me, not wanting to hang out and when we did he didn’t want to cuddle anymore.
Then last Wed, we hung out and he was all cuddly and we slept together, and he choose just hanging out and talking with me over going out to the club.
Yet he still says he just wants to be friends!
Cleary, if you’ve paid any attention to my blogs, I want more! I think if he doesn’t then we’ll have to stop the whole cuddling/sleeping together thing. Because I’m getting to attached. I got so jealous of him this weekend when I found out he slept at some other boys house.
With Justin it works, because I know how he feels about me, he knows how I feel about him, and we both know it wouldn’t work out if we did have a relationship. So we can sleep together, make out, hell, even bjs. But with Austin he’s so all over the map, that it’s just hurting me.
I’m hoping that it’s all just because of the whole no job thing… That he doesn’t want to get involoved with someone incase a job out of the area comes up.
I just wish there were a simple answer to the whole thing.