First Session…

Ok, well I had my first session today. The guy was really nice.

I walked into his office and was attacked by this tiny little mut dog thing. It was cute, but kept trying to lick me and stuff when I was filling out the paper work. Which is annoying.

After getting all the insurance figured out, which was a pain in the ass. We got started. Like I said, he was really nice, but I felt that he spent a little too much time talking about things that didn’t matter. I would have rather just gone in on the first day and told him what I wanted to tell him about everything. Like the story of WHY I’m coming back in and all that. But Alas, I’m sure he got enough information.

I find it strange though that the sessions here are only 45 minutes. But I guess it also makes sense. So whatever. He said that he wants me to go to group therapy. I’m not sure how I feel about that. He offered me two different ons, I took the one that had the smaller group. So yeah. We’ll see how that goes. Gah.

He also suggested that I start drugs again.. But I told him that I’ve been on pretty much all of them over the years and I never really felt any change for the good. So then he suggested this other things called a Alpha-Stim. I dunno how I feel about that though! Seems very strange and like something you would see on a late night infomercial.

He also gave me homework to do! OMG! So I ordered the book today and will hopefully get it by next week… I’ve got another appointment with him on Tuesday though, which I’m sure I won’t have the book by then, but whatever.

I ignored Austin last night and this morning. Well, ok. When he got off he talked to me on AIm for like 10 seconds and when I started asking about his day he was like. “I’m to tired to talk about it”. So I just said “whatever, bye”. But yet he was still online for like 2 more hours.. One can only assume he was talking to people during those two hours, so why was he “too tired” to talk to me about how his day was. Whatever. He IMed me again at like 9:00 that night, but I ignored him then, and then he IMed me again this morning at like 8. Ignored him again. He finially called me at like 10 to see where I was at/etc. But I just told him I was in the doctors and would talk to him later. He called me back at like 11:30 to see why I was at the docs and I talked to him for like 10 minutes.

Ugh, I was talking to my friend Robert last night online. He’s hung out with both Austin and I a lot. He agrees with me that if Austin changed just a little, and wasn’t so needy that things would work out and tha we’d be a cute couple… I think part of the problem is that I expect way too much out of people, specially Austin since I liked him so much, that it just causes fights, etc.

Either way, I’m going to continue with mostly ignoring him for the rest of the week. I AM however going to invite him to come up with me to get Ginny from LA, as my plan for now is to go get her and Carl from LA and then go to Santa Monica for dinner and then maybe The Abbey after. I think it’d be good, cause Ginny can play the Bitch protector friend card, and hopefully see what the fuck is going on… (You’d do that right, Ginny?) lol. Plus I really want to go back to The Abbey, as it was lots of fun!

The rest of the time that Ginny is here isn’t very well planned and it’s kinda freaking me out. I don’t wanna be sitting around once they get here trying to think of things to do. I was thinking Luckys on Sunday night if they wanna go out both nights. But the days are completely empty. She said she wanted to spend some time at the beach, but it looks like it’s going to be too cold to do much more then go and look at it and leave. (Mid-60’s is the forecast)… Either way. It’s going to be fun hanging out with her!

Robert’s birthday is this Friday too.. I want to do something nice for him like he did for me, but I don’t really want to go out with his boyfriend, who I don’t really care for. So I’m not sure what I’ll do for him yet. Perhaps I can lure him away for a dinner or something, maybe lunch on Saturday.

Not much else going on here… Did I mention the hookup boy hasn’t responded to me? Not a big surprise, oh well. When I told Robert about it, he was so SHOCKED, it was hilarious. He forced me to show him the boys Myspace and then proceded to add him as a friend. It’s so funny… Honestly, I’m still in shock!

Anyways, that’s about it… Adios!

My Issues?

Sooo.. I’m starting therapy again. My first appointment is early tomorrow morning. We’ll see how it goes. Hopefully I can find one here that I like. I tried a few different ones through the years of college, and none of them were very good. So we’ll see.

Today I broke the $20k mark in my cushion fund. Angel said I should just move back to my parents house and live for a while. I could easily live for over a year on that amount. But for anyone who knows me, knows that I’m obsessed with saving money, and I HATE spending money if there’s no income. I think I can hold out for a little while longer. Plus like I said before I’d feel like I’d been beat if I do move back there to my parents… I think just moving back to the midwest in general would be better.

Just to give you a sample of the crazyness that’s on myspace around here… this random guy sent me a message yesterday. It said “How long have you lived in Cali? Midwest boy’s rock my socks! :D”… So I read it like 5 minutes after he sent it… I really didn’t feel like replying to it right then and there, because I wasn’t in the mood to be friendly towards someone random, and making small talk. And since he didn’t give hardly anyting to talk about I felt it best to wait. So then like 20 minutes later he sends me this NASTY message bitching about how he expects people to reply to him and blah blah blah… OMG calm the fuck down people!

Yesterday was a really productive day here at the office, but now I’ve got nothing to do today and my boss is out of the office. It’s been getting harder and harder to get my ass out of bed every morning and to come in.

Ginny is here on Saturday! Woot! 😀 Thank god!

OMG

Omg, I just hooked up with someone!

He’s this really cute Military boy, who goes to Soka just down the street from me. And he’s into Computers and stuff.

He was really nice, but ummm.. we did it.

He didn’t finish though cause he said he was nervous, which I suppose is ok. But makes me feel sad, cause what if he just didn’t think I was hot enough?

Hmm.

Anyways it was pretty hot. I’m going to try and get to know him more.

I also applied to 15 jobs back in the MidWest. Mostly Chicago area.

Always a let down.

Why is it that things are always a let down for me… And never what I was expecting.

Grrr.

So Friday I got home from work and was just going to spend it alone and sit on my damn couch being pissed off at Austin and humanity and the world and just wishing I could not fucking care about it.

I watched Dorian Blues and talked to Angel… Talking to her REALLY makes me want to move back to Iowa.

But Austin called and asked if I wanted to go out to H Marys with him… Stupidly I said yes…. BAD FUCKING IDEA. So he wasn’t going to come over till 10:30, and I was just going to sit and watch TV and shit till then. But he ended up showing up at like 9:30. We sat and tried talking, but he was just giving me short one word answers and shit. So I just stopped talking.

Then he was like, “Lets watch this movie”, it was “Best In Show”. I said I didn’t want to start it because we would be leaving soon, but he said, “We can watch it and go whenever”

So then like 40 minutes into the movie he says to stop it and go to the club. I said that I wanted to finish the movie. So thenhe’s like, “Well I’m just going to go now then”. So I get pissed off at him for being such a jerk about things. So I tell him to just get the hell out, and I go and lock myself in the bed room.

Well everyone knows me, I can’t just let things go. I have to try and talk them all out. So I call him and we start talking and then talking leads to major yelling and It’s all very reminicent of Andrew.

Then there’s a knock on my door and it’s him and he just walks in and I try getting him to just talk to me, but he pushes me into the bed room and tells me to lay down. So I lay down and we talk for a bit with him just standing there. Then he gets in bed and starts trying to be all cuddly and shit. And he’s just like, “I’m just trying to change you to be more emotional and to show more excitement”. And blah blah blah. I dunno. Somehow it ended up with him spending the night! GOD, how did that fucking happen?!

So he spent the night and then in the morning we got up and I cooked him breakfast and then we went out shopping for a bed frame for me. Went to Levitz and then Ikea, and we had a really good time. Came home and he left and I sat around for the rest of the afternoon.

Went to Verizon to get a new phone cause they are having an amazing sale. Well I get there and am told that I have to sign up for help? WTF is that? Then I wait for 30 minutes to get someone to even talk to me. Then I’m told that they can’t do ANYTHING because I don’t have a California number. So I get pissed and just leave. Fucking Idiots. So I call the customer service and THEY tell me that they CAN help so I go back in and am told that I’ll have to wait in line AGAIN. So I said SCREW that and left.

Came home and sat around some more then Michael called me, and I went over there and watched Rent. He tried making out with me, but I’m just not into him like that. So I had to tell him to stop. Austin called in there and said he wanted to go out that night. I told him No that I was hanging out with Michael that night. But then Michael wouldn’t stop trying to make out with me, and I got annoyed, plus I wanted to try making up for Friday night. So I left as soon as the movie was over and called Austin… Suddenly he was TOO TIRED. YET ANOTHER LET DOWN. Fucking shit.. I just can’t stop torturing myself, huh? Guess what time he ended up going to bed…. Anyone? Oh! That’s right, 1am! Yep tooooo tired to do anything? Eh?!

God.

So I get up this morning and sit around my house. I went shopping to the Nursery and bought some new plants and some fertalizer for my Hibuscus. Hopefully they will be more happy now.

Came home and there was SHIT on TV. So i read some of my book.

Talked to Austin some more… There I go torturing myself again! I asked him if he wanted to hang out and watch the sunday night line up on Fox, like we’ve done before… Again, maybe to salvage just a little tiny bit of this weekend…

He said, “I dunno”… Which was fine, cause that was a like 1 or something.

So I sat around and watched Stripes which I’ve seen like a million times before. Such a horrible movie.

Anyways, Austin finially gets back to me about this and says that he’s going to go see Brokeback with the guy who was over on Friday when I went over there.

Ugh, very pissed off.. A) Because I’ve asked Austin to go see Brokeback with me like 5 or 6 times, and every time he says he thinks it looks stupid and he doesn’t want to go see it. B) I’m pissed because I wanted to fucking hang out with him.

So now we’ve been fighting for 2 hours now. And he just said:

4:13:25 PM austin: sorry i ruined your life

4:13:55 PM blackc2004: you’ve been nothing but an emotional roller coaster for me austin.

4:14:12 PM austin: well sory

4:14:18 PM austin: i’m fucked up and overdramatic

4:14:29 PM blackc2004: I’d agree with that

4:14:45 PM austin: well then i think we’re done here.

4:14:50 PM austin: Goodbye chris

4:14:55 PM blackc2004: done here with what?

4:15:29 PM blackc2004: ……

4:15:42 PM austin: this aweful emotional rollercoaster for u

4:15:44 PM austin: i’m going

4:15:44 PM austin: bye

Now he won’t fucking answer me or his phone.

God damnit… Why can’t I just drop his ass and move on. I know it’s the best thing I should do right now.

I’m going to start applying for jobs out of state again.

Ugh, I forgot to mention ANOTHER let down… On Friday everyone from the SA Team went out drinking together.. No one invited me. I heard them talking about changing the place where they were going to hold it as I was leaving work. That makes me feel really bad.

Ahhhh! Boys!

Ok, when you’re talking to someone….

It’s only NICE and POLITE of you to say “GOODBYE” if you’re going to leave.

8:42:30 AM blackc2004: Ahh… Well thats not TOO bad.

Austin went away (8:44:50 AM)

Away Message: I am away from my computer right now. (8:44:50 AM)

8:48:11 AM blackc2004: BYE

8:48:11 AM Austin: (Autoreply): I am away from my computer right now.

8:50:10 AM Austin:: what

Austin came back (8:50:11 AM)

8:50:25 AM blackc2004: i just HATE it when people go away and don’t say BYE or something

8:50:30 AM Austin:: chris

8:50:33 AM Austin:: we talk online all the time

8:50:43 AM Austin:: does it matter?

8:50:44 AM blackc2004: So, if you go away you should still at least say something

8:50:46 AM blackc2004: yes it does

8:50:47 AM blackc2004: it annoys me

8:50:51 AM Austin:: my away message indicates i’m gone

8:51:04 AM blackc2004: So you can at least finialize the converstation with a “goodbye”

8:51:17 AM Austin:: whatever

8:51:26 AM blackc2004: fine, whatever, goodbye

8:51:26 AM Austin:: you’ve left before

8:51:28 AM Austin:: i don’t wanna hear it

8:51:40 AM Austin:: you’ve done it before chris

8:51:52 AM Austin:: u did it yesterday

8:51:57 AM blackc2004: if I’ve left it’s because someone has COME TO MY DESK and I’m just not touching my computer it and puts up an away message automatically

8:52:02 AM Austin:: well

8:52:10 AM Austin:: GOD

8:52:13 AM Austin:: i don’t even care

8:52:15 AM Austin:: i’m going faxing

8:52:15 AM Austin:: bye

8:52:19 AM blackc2004: fine, bye

8:52:45 AM Austin:: you’re starting to sound a lot like that crazy guy

8:52:59 AM blackc2004: just go fax

8:59:12 AM Austin:: i’m screening the home line, you might wanna leave a message next time

Austin came back (8:59:13 AM)

8:59:20 AM blackc2004: I DID leave a message jack ass

8:59:33 AM Austin:: im talking about the home line – not my cell

9:01:06 AM Austin:: chris

9:01:09 AM Austin:: get over it ok

9:01:26 AM blackc2004: Austin, don’t tell me to get over it… It’s NORMAL CONVERSTATION for someone to say good bye

9:01:33 AM blackc2004: and you BLOCKING me is REAL FUCKING mature

9:01:41 AM Austin:: I LEFT FOR 5 MINUTES AND CAME BACK

9:01:52 AM blackc2004: NO, you blocked me

9:02:21 AM Austin:: i’m talking about u getting mad the first time today

9:02:45 AM blackc2004: And I’m talking about simply saying… ‘brb” or ‘bye’ it’s 3 letters, and it’s only polite

9:03:12 AM Austin:: 8 minuts

9:03:18 AM Austin:: no

9:03:19 AM Austin:: fuck you

9:03:24 AM Austin:: i’m not doing that for an 8 minute break

9:03:29 AM Austin:: no

9:03:33 AM Austin:: i’m doign any of this bullshit

9:03:39 AM Austin:: your im ediquite

9:03:47 AM Austin:: i’ll elave when i want for however long i want

9:03:50 AM Austin:: and if i don’t wanna talk to u

9:03:51 AM Austin:: i’ll block u

9:04:00 AM Austin:: ok?

9:04:00 AM blackc2004: fine, i’m not going to deal with tha tthen.

9:04:02 AM Austin:: good

9:04:03 AM Austin:: dont

I REALLY don’t need a friend like that. God, why is he being such a FUCKING JERK about this.

GOD. I just don’t know what to fucking do.