WARNING: THIS EDITION OF ANDREW’S JOURNAL IS DEPRESSING. DO NOT SAY I DID NOT WARN YOU. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.
With that said, I can go on. My day began with me waking up at 8 for no damn good reason because I failed my Physics final. Halfway through, I was like whatever A- is good. Then I lost all balls and didn’t ask Mrs. Every for an A+ because I think it would be very rude of me. Emily and I went for breakfast and that was fun. I came home, worked on some SAT stuff, and decided to go down to Java’s to study and take care of some stuff.
I went down there at 12:30. I wrote most of my social influence thing, so that was productive of me. I then began studying for my ACTs, and things went downhill from there. First off, on the English section (the one where I SHOULD do best, mind you) I missed like 17! Do you know how fucking bad that is? I know I probably sound stupid to be bitching about this, but missing 17 would give me like a 20 on the English section. When I took it the first time, I got a 31 on English, which means I missed like 5. I couldn’t believe it. My Math score was actually better, though I gave up halfway through because I couldn’t understand anything. The more I worked, the more fruitless it seemed. And I started thinking “Well, 29 is good anyway, I don’t even need to retake.” WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!? Suddenly it’s like I don’t care anymore. But I have to.. if I don’t do this right, I’ll end up at Iowa, and I can’t, I just can’t. I know it sounds stupid, but no one even understands how this is…
I then wrote my personal statement for UCLA. All about moving, and coming out, and how hard it was blah blah blah. I’m sure it’s not good.
I decided after that whole fiasco, that I needed to take a walk. So I just walked around downtown. And, just as I had expected, David thoughts came. I passed Kirkwood Hotel (he once made up this elaborate story about how it is haunted), Nolen Plaza (where we used to sit and talk), the Civic Center (where we saw Phantom of the Opera because I bought him tickets for his bday), the Des Moines Public Library (which we ran past one night because we were scared), and ended up down by the bridges, near that stage thing.
Well, David and I used to go there a lot. He always used to say he wanted to get married there. We would talk and watch the water and be happy. One night (much to my dismay… I don’t like to plan things like this), David was talking about how he wanted to get married there and he said he wanted us to act out our wedding. After some coaxing, I agreed, and we walked down, and got on the center platform together. David said some stuff and we kissed and he said it would happen for real some day.
I went and stood in the center of the platform. And began crying. Imagine that. I just cried and cried and cried. Thank God no one was around to see me. I thought of all the good times, all the bad times.. I guess I needed it. Sometimes I like to have a good cry. Just feels good, ya know?
I got weak. I could feel it. And at the same time, I wanted and needed to do it. I got out my phone and called David. I was wishing, hoping, pleading in my mind that he would pick up. I wanted to remind him that I loved him and that he means the world to me. He didn’t answer. My heart was pounding so fast, tears were going down my face… and he didn’t answer. I had a feeling from the start that he wouldn’t, because he never answers when I call… but I thought maybe this time would be different. Maybe I am still naive about things…. I called his dorm.. thought maybe he left his cell phone somewhere. “Yeah, David’s here, but he’s on the phone” “oh… ok.” So he saw that I called, and chose not to click over…. and also chose not to call back.
Why does he do this? The other night, we talked for like 40 minutes, then he said he’d call me back in 1, and he never called back. What did I do to deserve this? NOTHING! I just don’t understand. It’s like when I call, he won’t even answer, but when he calls me, I’m expected to drop everything and talk to him. I wish he would just disappear! I need to get outta here.. I need to go somewhere.. I need a damn vacation.
I am all set to have the best Christmas ever, and I know he’s gonna ruin it. He’ll ruin it because he’ll be here, and he won’t call me. I want to get him a gift, but I know it won’t even cross his mind to get me something. I want to see him over break, but I’m sure that wouldn’t fly well with Nate…
FOUR MONTHS! Four damn months! What is my deal?? Summer’s gonna be even worse than Christmas. Hopefully by then I’ll be over this. If I’m not, I can tell you I will be pretty damn upset. I should’ve been over this a long time ago. It keeps throwing my life off kilter. Everything is fine for like 2 days, then I’m like “Oh my God, I’m in love with David” then I cry, then I freak out, then I’m ok for a few more days.
I say it’s a pretty destructive cycle. I’m gonna crash and burn soon. And it won’t be pretty when I do. I’m putting so much pressure on myself to do well on these damn tests and in all my classes, and I’m trying so hard to include all my friends in my life, and be a better friend to everyone, and I’m trying so hard to not think about David. It’s wearing me down.
And starting in about 2 weeks, I’ll now have 8 or so hours of Speech practice a week. As if I didn’t have enough going on already. I always hate Speech, because in the beginning, it is so tough, and so hard, and so everything else… but it’s so worth it in the end. I think this year I may actually have friends that will come watch me at contest (that means everyone who reads this)… I don’t want any repeats of last year, when Brian Presnall was late and missed my performance.
You can’t rely on anyone but yourself. Maybe I should start being more selfish (practically impossible, I know). And if I only thought about me and what was good for me, maybe I wouldn’t be so unhappy. Maybe I wouldn’t hate life so much. Maybe I wouldn’t cry all the time. Maybe I wouldn’t get so jealous of the people who have found happiness in their lives…
Life is just the weirdest thing. It’s like we go through it, try to better ourselves, try to make money, try to find love, and what for? What’s the point of all this? What’s the point of driving myself crazy with hard classes, and ACTs, and SATs and all this other bullshit? I know that I’m going to do well at whatever college I go to, and that I will basically the same wherever I go. Yet I still push myself for the top. Is it because I want people to be envious of me for actually being able to get out of Iowa? Or do I do this for myself, to give myself an opportunity to thrive in a different environment, where no one knows me? I can reinvent myself. People will know of my past what I let them know of it. They wouldn’t even know if it was true or not. Think about it. How many of you can honestly say you know about my past? My guess is none. I’m reluctant to talk about it because it isn’t the greatest, but at the same time, I’ve never had anyone actually ask me about it. It’s a double edged sword though. I don’t know much about any of your pasts. Do we even need to know about each others pasts? Sometimes it helps give insight into a person. But I think my past would just confuse someone. I used to be a good little Catholic school boy who went to Church.. what the hell happened to me?
There is a quote in a video game (lame, I know) about “where angels lose their way…” I wonder where I lost mine… and how do I find it again? Or do I even want to find it? Why am I being so rhetorical?
I’ve just been thinking a lot. You know, I truly want to believe that love is not the strongest power in the universe. I think friendship should be. Friends will always be there.. and as history shows, lovers will not. But maybe friends won’t always be there. People change, things change, situations change… Why does it seem like we need to find our soul mates so soon in life? Why do we feel like we are nothing if we don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend? They don’t validate our existence.
I am single. I am still alive. It hurts, but I make it.
What is wrong with society? Things are so messed up right now in the world, it doesn’t even make sense. Why is a sniper offing people left and right on the East Coast? Why does the media gobble it up and glorify it? Why is it that bulimia and anorexia were never really a problem until society demanded that women be thin? Why can’t everyone just love everyone for who they are and quit trying to get people to change? You love people for what’s inside. You take the good and the bad. No one is perfect, but they can be in your eyes. Faults are not bad. Faults are idiosyncracies. Why does hate exist? Who invented it anyway?
Why do people have to die for being different? Why did Matthew Shepard die? When did gay stop meaning happy? When did racial differences become a problem? Why does anyone ever think they are better than someone just because they are a different skin color? Why do people live up to stereotypes? It almost seems intentional sometimes. Why do we have a predetermind image of people in our minds and even when they don’t turn out that way, we still think of them that way? (did that make sense..?)
What happened to family? Family dinners? What happened to having a good relationship with your parents? Why did divorce come about? Why would you marry if you weren’t 100% sure that this was the person you wanted to be with for the rest of your life?
Why is there pain and suffering? I want to just shut off the world, and isolate myself and be alone and not see all the hurt. People are hurt everyday. People die everyday. And no one cares. “Get over it” is probably the most common phrase…. It’s hard to just “get over” the fact that people all over the place are dying and yet we are doing nothing to stop it?
Hunger, famine, disease…. all these plauges, and yet we do nothing to stop it. All society can do is make things faster, or bigger, or better… when we could be saving people.
Life is not frivolous. One day it’s going to be gone. I’m scared for that day. I know it isn’t for a good 80 or so years, but still. What happens when we die? Is there really a heaven? Is there really a God..?
Is anything real? Or is it just perceptions? People always says “come back to reality,” But what is reality? It’s different for each and every person. Things that are real to me may not be real to anyone else. Is anything ever still? Or is the entire world caught in a never-ending spiral of change? Is change bad? Is it good? Is it both? Is it neither?
Why is everything the way it is? It doesn’t, I repeat DOES NOT, have to be this way. We are in control of our own destinies. We determine who we are, and how we react, and what we do… Maybe I should take my own advice…. but do we really control that? Or is it just all impulses in our brain that make us act the way we do?
What cause me to write all this? If anyone has any guesses, let me know, cause I sure don’t. I just let my hands take over.. they worked independantly from the brain.. can that even happen? I better stop before I write 10 more pages.. not like I have anything else to do tonight.
Does anyone want to go out? Just call me….. anybody….?
I feel like the song “Learning to Fly”…. I want to fly.. I want to spread my wings….
“my sole intention is learning to fly… condition grounded, but determined to try.. can’t keep my mind from the circling skies.. tongue tied and twisted, just an earthbound misfit…”
Some good old Pink Floyd.. they always have the answers to everything.
Sorry to everyone who has to read that… If you make it this far, congrats! I’ll give you a pat on the back next time I see you… If you didn’t make it this far, shame on you for not wanting to read all Andrew had to say, because it was very important to him…
I should go.. I’m going crazy…
Ok, it’s a few hours later now… ummm, I am saddened because of something I just saw on Chris’ site. For like the past 2 hours, I have just been reading all of Chris’ old entries. Don’t think I’m crazy, I just have nothing else to do and I find them very fascinating. With each entry, I feel that we are more and more alike. It’s kinda creepy.. Anyways, he says in this one and I quote “we also saw Purple shirt boy (me) and called him an asshole cause he is.” That makes me sad, I am upset that Chris (and Adam for that matter) used to think I was an asshole. Was I? I really don’t know.. I always used to think they were cute… *sigh*
Ok, back yet again, later in the night. I spent almost 3 hours online, and most of it was reading Chris’ thing. Do you think that makes me crazy? I don’t know who the “you” is, but whatever.
So today has just been the weirdest day. I feel very calm right now. It’s also been very dark. It hasn’t really been bright out in general, and the past few hours, I’ve been sitting in the corner where the computer is, with all the lights off and only the screen illuminated. It’s very odd.. I went in my room for like 2 seconds and turned on the light and I didn’t like it. I dont’ think I enjoy light. It’s from Publications.. we never turn the lights on and when we do, everyone bitches.. light must bring out the worst in me. On another note, I don’t think I have had such little contact with humans in a VERY long time as I had today. Usually I need other people.. I don’t like to be with just myself.. we don’t get along so well (here I go talking like I’ve got multiple personality disorder)… anyways, I just think it’s weird.. I’ve been very hermity today and not receptive to anything…simple tasks (working out) prove way too much today….
*sigh* This sucks. Have you (there I go again) ever wanted something, yet you know there is no way you can possibly have it? I’ve got that… and no it’s not David…. It sucks… argh.. some of you know what it is… it’s not important for others of you to know… who is this you?? grrr.. I’m gonna drive myself insane again.
I am listening to some very nice music from Xenogears…relaxing.. shower should be nice..
I haven’t taken one since Sunday.. yeah call me gross I don’t care anymore…
Category: AndyMcgee
look theta! phi! infinity!
Best line ever
“Keep the change, we’re in a rush!”::runs away::
“Wait, you get 4 dollars back!”
that was funny as shit.
So Friday night, I went out with Dustin. We saw Skinny at VWM and then took him to MHM to meet Ginny to go see a movie. Then Dustin, Jenny, and I went out to eat. Good times there. Jenny kept putting silverware down Dustin’s back, and I told him to get up and when it all fell out, go “how’d that get there?” Good times were had. We also saw Alison and Ben. We all agreed that Ben was hot.
We then saw Ginny, Skinny, and Emily (not May), and talked to them in the parking lot. Lots of laughs. Then we went downtown, and nothing was really going on. Stephanie Hague was there, as was Betsy, and Steph was with a cute boy. We hung out there for awhile, and Dustin got talking to some Churchy people and he stayed talking to them for a LONG time. Jenny and I went inside, it was pretty nippy out.
We went back to Dustin’s house, and on the way, Emily nearly killed me because she was merging without looking, and almost hit me! Dustin and I screamed! Oh yeah, Dustin ran through the mall doing his rat-face. I laughed and pretended I didn’t know him. Very fun times.
Today I worked. That sucked, I am very resolved in my efforts to look for a better job. I am going to see if Laura wants to go get jobs at WellsFargo. Who cares what I have to do… as long as it’s inside! I thought I would freeze to death.. however, the worst was yet to come.
When I got home, I called Chris to see if he wanted to go to Ankeny to see the bands. He was already going so I planned to meet him there. I stopped at the mall first and bought a little hat to keep my ears warm. It cost 17.50.. they ripped me off. Anyways, I stopped in Calypso to say hello to Jenny and she asked me if I wanted to stay and have break with her. I said sure, and so we hung out until she had to go back to work.
WHen that happened, I went over to Ankeny and met Chris. Him, Julian, Dean, and I were F R E E Z I N G! We had just a gimpy little blanket (thanks julian!) but it was still cold. And there were no cute boys. We yelled loud for Waukee, and they did pretty good. Chris also flipped some blargy off the railing and then did a crazy wrestling dive onto her. She wasn’t happy. This boy was also bothering us and then there was a wrinkle in the space time continuom (sp?) and he came back! lol… Anyways, after all that fun, Chris and I went to Godfathers. I guess while I was in the bathroom, some girls asked Chris if I was in sports. Weird. Anyways, Chris bought me dinner 🙂 He had a coupon for a free pizza. It was funny b/c the coupon said “For Fort Dodge and Mason City locations only” and the girl stared at like forever, and still gave it to us. We also got drinks, and cheese breadsticks, except they weren’t really cheese breadsticks. Anyways.
So Chris and I ate most of it. Well I ate my half and he ate half of his half. A bunch of Waukee band people came and Stephanie and Jamie Hammer ended up sitting with us. Jamie said that Chris was really sexy.
Ginny and Alanna came later and we all hung out until Adam called. Then Chris and I went to get Adam and then we headed downtown.
I guess before we got there Alison threw up all over herself. Sad. But by time we got there, her, Skinny, and Jenny had already left. And Dustin, David 2, Brian, and Emily all laughed at what I was wearing. I thought I looked straight, but Adam and Chris said I was gayer than ever. Oh well. Dustin and Emily left soon, much to my dismay.
I was just *semi* annoyed because Dustin said he wanted to see me and Jenny when he came back, and when I asked him to hang out Saturday, he was like “I’m going to a party at Jesses.” Which he had just gone to one the night before. I was like “hello, you and I are much better friends than you and Jesse.” But whatever.
So Adam, Chris, Brian, David 2, and Alex all hung out. It was fun. Brian told me that his friend Sree (Whom I had met the week before) is like in love with me and that she said something about how she’s never fallen for a guy with blond hair before or something like that. He said she talks about me all the time. I was really touched. We just talked and laughed and such.. I told funny stories. lol. I think I always tell funny stories. I think I have a way of making ordinary things that happen to me funny. Or if nothing happens, I make it up.
Case in point: the girl that Chris threw over the railing and the boy yelling “SPORTS FOOTBALL!”
Well at any rate, we ended up leaving soon. Adam and Chris had stuffed the pizza box under my windshield. Random. So I threw it up and away. Then Adam grabbed it and chucked it really hard. RIGHT AT ME! And it hit me in the leg and it really hurt. I cried “WOE IS ME!” and Adam hugged me. It really hurt! But anyways, hugs all around, and when Chris hugged me, I told him that I had to teach him how to give a hug, and then he totally picked me up and molested me and put me up against my car. It was scandalous and fun. lol.
Then I drove home. yay. I really DO NOT want to go to work tomorrow. It won’t be so bad if it’s not that cold. I’m gonna wear my hat and hopefully Nate doesn’t mind because it’s just too damn cold to go hatless.
I really feel bad that I might leave Hy-Vee because I don’t know who is going to work my thingy, but at the same time, I don’t care. I was talking to Bonnie in Floral about it, and she was like “Uhhh who gives a shit? They’ll figure something out.” I was like “Oh, you’re always the practical one.”
Oh one more thing before I head to bed. Skinny told that Josh boy that I liked him and that he should talk to me. AND he gave him my SN. So now everytime I’m online, he talks to me. I was like “Thanks Skinny, I hate you.” I told him I would get even by saying something to Matt LeMaster or Alex about how much Skinny wants to sleep with them or something. But I haven’t yet lol. I just have a problem being mean to people. I’m too nice, dangit!
Anyways, I’m really tired, I’m going to bed.
Visit me at work tomorrow! I work from 10-3 and I am selling chicken strips.. it’s gonna be great!
BREAK!
it’s hot up in this bitch
Yay! I am happy happy happy! And a big ol loser! lol.
I am happy because David called me! Hence the reason for the title: that’s a classic David line… as in “Why don’t they turn the air on? It’s hot up in this bitch?” I usually just said “Maybe it won’t be as hot if we take off all our clothes.” Lol, no I didn’t really say that, but what a good line!
Anyways, my phone rings (imagine that), and the loser I am, I always think it’s David. Well, I was like “No, it’s only 8 something, he wouldn’t call this early.” I figured it was Courtney because we were supposed to have dinner together and she never called. ANYWAYS, so I answer, it’s him, I’m all “oh my!”. Anyways, he said he was just calling to say hi and that he wanted to see how he was. I told him about my survey (I was in the middle of tallying) and he told me about his Stat survey as well. It was crazy, we were both doing like the same exact thing.. weird.. ooga booga. So I told him more about my life and what was happening (which isn’t much) and I asked what was going on with him. He was like “Oh you know, school, Patrick (that’s what I THOUGHT I heard), but this stupid bitch in my Stat class…” And went off on that. I was thinking “Did I catch a Patrick in there?” Well I really wanted to comment and be like “Who’s Patrick?” But I never got the chance to and I’m not even sure he said Patrick. But honestly, ANYTHING is better than Nate! lol. So then he was like “Well, I gotta go” and I went “So soon?” And he was like “Well, you can call me you know.” ::cue whiny voice:: “You never call me, why don’t you call me?” I was like “Uhh… actually I almost called you yesterday, but my phone was on low battery.” And he was like “Well, at least you are thinking about me.” I was thinking “more than you know.” But I kept it to myself. Anyways I said I would call him this weekend and we said our goodbyes and that was that.
YAY!!!! It’s so funny because I was just telling someone how I don’t like to call him because I always feel like the weak one. Well, HELLO, he calls me like every week now. I almost burst out laughing when he said “You never call me.” Cause at first I was thinking “Yeah, well you never call me” but then I was like “Wait, you always call me.” lol. So I am happy because clearly he remembers me and by his “at least you’re thinking of me” comment, it indicates to me that he doesn’t want me to forget him. Not like I was gonna.
Well I could rant about this for another 19283745091237984172349871239609127635 hours, but I really need to finish documenting my survey. Just wanted to express my happiness. 🙂 Smiles!
BREAK!
FYI hate you
Tonight I guess was fairly interesting. Skinny and I went to Allysons and then the 3 of us went to Hairy Mary’s, to a punk rock show. It was the first I’d ever been too. It was interesting, the music was cool, and some big fat drunk men were definitely flying into me. That was a bit unsettling, but I had fun. I did not enjoy the fact that it probably reached 10000 degrees in the place. I thought I would collapse. Then we went to Fazoli’s and creepy man was weird. “Do you know the score to the Iowa game?” “No.” “Do you know the score to the Iowa State game?” “No.” “Is your car the white one with its lights on?” “NO, what is this 20 questions?!?!” Yeah that happened, it was really funny.
Anyways, we ended up going downtown (imagine that) and we met up with Brian Niblo and Alex and Brian’s friend Sree. Yeah Jeremiah was there too. I was like eww gross, but oh well. I was Mr. Quotes tonight. I honestly couldn’t think of anything funny to say on my own, so I just quoted random shit all night. Everyone found it funny, so that’s what counts. I made people laugh. yay.
On the way home, Skinny and I talked about how guys here suck. Everyone is either slutty, and if not that, then they have some sort of problem with them *ahem*alocholism compulisive lying*ahem* Not that I know anyone like that.. lol
But it just kinda sucks. I honestly do not think I will date until I go to college, or at least until the summer when David comes back. I miss David. The more I see and meet more gay people here, and the more I realize how people really are, and the more I see the reality of some shit that goes on, the more I realize that David is my soul mate. I just can’t imagine being with anyone else, or wanting to be with anyone else. Seeing how everyone is slutty, or problematic, or whatever else just proves that. Because David was such a wonderful guy, my standards have been raised HIGH. And the thing is, I don’t think there is another guy out there who can/will do for me what David has done/will do(?). It just sucks that circumstances don’t work and all. Though I have a fear. My biggest fear right now is that over the summer or xmas break or something, I’ll see David. If I see him, no fail, both of us will fall in love again (actually, it isn’t falling in love again, it’s seeing the person, and realizing that you never stopped loving them). And what happens next? Well, let me tell you. We hang out, we kiss, we proclaim our love for each other, regardless of whether we are seeing someone else (hmm sound familiar?), and then we date (maybe). But my fear is this: That all this shit will go down over the summer, we spend 3 wonderful months together, and then.. BAM! Andrew moves off to California and everything is ruined. I have wanted to go to college in California all my damn life. I’m not sure how I could possibly pick between my love and my dreams. There is always the fear that things with David would not work out and then I would be stuck at a school I didn’t want to be at. I like how none of this has even happened. But I really think its gonna. I know that I won’t go the entire summer without seeing him. And in all honesty, I want to ask him to come to NJ with me. There isn’t anyone in the world I would rather go with. Which is weird, cause it would be like “Hi, we’ve talked some, and haven’t seen each other all year, but will you go to New Jersey to see my family with me?” Right. But I think he would do it. And that would be great. We could tour NY together, go swimming in the ocean together, go visit Erin, take walks down the boardwalk. I wish it was like that. Perhaps I’ll convince David to come move to California with me. We can live together and be the happy couple that I know is within us. Or maybe I have to wait 5 years until we can be together. Ugh, I’m so damn impatient. I think I am gonna call him later this week. He did tell me to call. It sucks, everytime I call, I want to ask if he still has feelings for me, and everytime we hang up, I always want to say “I love you.” Honestly, there always seems to be a little pause when we are about to say bye, and I think both of us wants to say I love you, and at the same time, both of us knows it just makes things harder. Like it’s not so bad when I don’t know what he feels, but if I know for a fact that he loves me, it makes it worse b/c I know that we CAN and SHOULD be together, but we AREN’T. I am so reading far too deep into everything. But it’s like, I don’t even find people very attractive anymore. David was the epitome of everything. Grr.. why is it like this? I think life is playing a cruel trick on me. It must hate me. Oh well…. I’ll survive, as I always do.
I love my Goose. Hope he still loves me too.
if you are in love, then why let it go?
Come Closer (Brandy, #14)
I know that it’s late and maybe I shouldn’t be so into you.
It’s just that tonight, I am so taken, I’ve fallen for you.
When I look in your eyes, I can see… a million possibilities.
And I know you’ll be leaving me soon, but tonight…
Come a little bit closer, let me hold you baby, I will be good to you.
And we can try, to forget tomorrow, make it last forever tonight.
So if you must go, know that I’ll be missing you, wishing you closer.
So let’s make the most of these moments together, we’ll never forget.
And it’s breaking my heart, cause I know (I know), that tomorrow you’ll be miles away (miles away)
And I catch myself wanting so much more, more, more, tonight….
Come a little bit closer, let me hold you baby, I will be good to you.
And we can try to forget tomorrow, make it last forever tonight.
So if you’re leaving me now, baby I don’t know how, I will ever get over you.
Cause you opened my eyes, to this love that’s inside, oh baby baby,
Don’t ever leave me…..
Come a little bit closer, let me hold you baby, I will be good to you.
And we can try to forget tomorrow, make it last forever tonight.
Picture that song in the background, and David and I sitting in my car, holding hands, and just bawling hysterically, a week before he left for college. As David said, the song never had more meaning than it did that night, and he also said it was like we were singing it to each other.
Well, here I am, depressed again, over David. Imagine that. We were watching the movie “Trick” at Skinny’s, and as I watched, I just got so sad because I didn’t have anybody. Then on the way home, I was listening to “I’ll find a way” and started crying, so of course, then I got weak and put Brandy in and started just bawling. Then I had to compose myself to come inside, where I went to my room and just collapsed and cried some more. I need to learn how to deal. Clearly I’m not doing a good job. And it’s weird because I was better with things awhile ago, and now it’s like, I can’t go a day without wanting to cry because I miss him so much. I’m glad I didn’t get so weak that I called him. Leaving insane “I love you” messages or crying on the phone is probably not gonna be winning him back. As if I even need to “win” him back. I’ve already got him. We both know it. Except….
I know he loves me. 99% of the time. There is that 1% of me that says “No, he’s gotten over you, he’s found someone better, and he doesn’t need or want you in his life anymore. EVER.” Unfortunately, that 1% is pretty damn strong and always overpowers my thoughts. I HATE IT! I want to just freaking ask him, but of course, I can’t.
*ring*
Hello?
Hi. It’s Andrew, I just called to find out if you still love me.
What? Uh.. psycho.
*hang up*
I imagine it would go something like that. Then I cry a lot. I’m always the little victim. I don’t like that either. But you know what.. It’s almost 4 months now that we haven’t been together. That’s longer than our relationship. And I’m still not over it. The other day, on our way downtown, we drove past where I would turn to go to Davids, and I wanted to just go down there and talk to his parents. It felt like it would be the most natural thing in the world to see Jack and Rita. (I didn’t do it, don’t anyone worry.) It’s just things like that.
David wrote me this once:
Do you understand?
Can I understand?
Will we understand?
Should they understand?
…and does it move you?
…dreams? they no longer exist. I have everything I need. imagine that. no one would have, could have guessed. imagine that. anything else? I didn’t think so. It is all undeniable. It is out of our control. I believe that I like that. I don’t even believe it. Uncontrollabe. Never has one been able to show me such a light to brighten so many parts of one day, one hour, one minutes, one life. Take me on. We have so far to go. imagine that. undeniable.
What am I supposed to do? I guess writing tons of volumes about it on my journal doesn’t help any, but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t talk to him about it. He probably is still dating Nate. But I doubt Nate does for him what I do/did. Highly doubt. Even when we fought, it was like “I know things will be ok, because our love is strong.” And it did. Every time. We always worked things out, and made up with a hug and a kiss and a “I love you.” It’s what I need right now. I need someone to hold me when I’ve had a bad day, and remind me that nothing else matters except that they love me. No, not they. David. David is the one who loves me.
I think I’m crazy. Laura told me to put a band-aid over my heart. I wish it was that easy.
I flipped through our pictures tonight, and I just cried and cried. We were so motherfucking happy together. I don’t know that I could be that happy with someone else. I loved all of David’s little eccentricites, and all his random sayings, and all his thoughtfullness, and all his cuteness, and all his everything. I don’t like living without it. I miss being able to curl up with someone and watch a movie, or spending the night and sleeping in each others arms. I can’t deal with this.
Bed is calling. Unhappy thoughts will go away now, only to return tomorrow morning, the second I wake up.
Goodnight, I love you.