if you are in love, then why let it go?

Come Closer (Brandy, #14)

I know that it’s late and maybe I shouldn’t be so into you.
It’s just that tonight, I am so taken, I’ve fallen for you.
When I look in your eyes, I can see… a million possibilities.
And I know you’ll be leaving me soon, but tonight…

Come a little bit closer, let me hold you baby, I will be good to you.
And we can try, to forget tomorrow, make it last forever tonight.

So if you must go, know that I’ll be missing you, wishing you closer.
So let’s make the most of these moments together, we’ll never forget.
And it’s breaking my heart, cause I know (I know), that tomorrow you’ll be miles away (miles away)
And I catch myself wanting so much more, more, more, tonight….

Come a little bit closer, let me hold you baby, I will be good to you.
And we can try to forget tomorrow, make it last forever tonight.

So if you’re leaving me now, baby I don’t know how, I will ever get over you.
Cause you opened my eyes, to this love that’s inside, oh baby baby,
Don’t ever leave me…..

Come a little bit closer, let me hold you baby, I will be good to you.
And we can try to forget tomorrow, make it last forever tonight.

Picture that song in the background, and David and I sitting in my car, holding hands, and just bawling hysterically, a week before he left for college. As David said, the song never had more meaning than it did that night, and he also said it was like we were singing it to each other.
Well, here I am, depressed again, over David. Imagine that. We were watching the movie “Trick” at Skinny’s, and as I watched, I just got so sad because I didn’t have anybody. Then on the way home, I was listening to “I’ll find a way” and started crying, so of course, then I got weak and put Brandy in and started just bawling. Then I had to compose myself to come inside, where I went to my room and just collapsed and cried some more. I need to learn how to deal. Clearly I’m not doing a good job. And it’s weird because I was better with things awhile ago, and now it’s like, I can’t go a day without wanting to cry because I miss him so much. I’m glad I didn’t get so weak that I called him. Leaving insane “I love you” messages or crying on the phone is probably not gonna be winning him back. As if I even need to “win” him back. I’ve already got him. We both know it. Except….
I know he loves me. 99% of the time. There is that 1% of me that says “No, he’s gotten over you, he’s found someone better, and he doesn’t need or want you in his life anymore. EVER.” Unfortunately, that 1% is pretty damn strong and always overpowers my thoughts. I HATE IT! I want to just freaking ask him, but of course, I can’t.
Hi. It’s Andrew, I just called to find out if you still love me.
What? Uh.. psycho.
*hang up*
I imagine it would go something like that. Then I cry a lot. I’m always the little victim. I don’t like that either. But you know what.. It’s almost 4 months now that we haven’t been together. That’s longer than our relationship. And I’m still not over it. The other day, on our way downtown, we drove past where I would turn to go to Davids, and I wanted to just go down there and talk to his parents. It felt like it would be the most natural thing in the world to see Jack and Rita. (I didn’t do it, don’t anyone worry.) It’s just things like that.
David wrote me this once:
Do you understand?
Can I understand?
Will we understand?
Should they understand?
…and does it move you?
…dreams? they no longer exist. I have everything I need. imagine that. no one would have, could have guessed. imagine that. anything else? I didn’t think so. It is all undeniable. It is out of our control. I believe that I like that. I don’t even believe it. Uncontrollabe. Never has one been able to show me such a light to brighten so many parts of one day, one hour, one minutes, one life. Take me on. We have so far to go. imagine that. undeniable.

What am I supposed to do? I guess writing tons of volumes about it on my journal doesn’t help any, but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t talk to him about it. He probably is still dating Nate. But I doubt Nate does for him what I do/did. Highly doubt. Even when we fought, it was like “I know things will be ok, because our love is strong.” And it did. Every time. We always worked things out, and made up with a hug and a kiss and a “I love you.” It’s what I need right now. I need someone to hold me when I’ve had a bad day, and remind me that nothing else matters except that they love me. No, not they. David. David is the one who loves me.
I think I’m crazy. Laura told me to put a band-aid over my heart. I wish it was that easy.
I flipped through our pictures tonight, and I just cried and cried. We were so motherfucking happy together. I don’t know that I could be that happy with someone else. I loved all of David’s little eccentricites, and all his random sayings, and all his thoughtfullness, and all his cuteness, and all his everything. I don’t like living without it. I miss being able to curl up with someone and watch a movie, or spending the night and sleeping in each others arms. I can’t deal with this.
Bed is calling. Unhappy thoughts will go away now, only to return tomorrow morning, the second I wake up.
Goodnight, I love you.

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