FYI hate you

Tonight I guess was fairly interesting. Skinny and I went to Allysons and then the 3 of us went to Hairy Mary’s, to a punk rock show. It was the first I’d ever been too. It was interesting, the music was cool, and some big fat drunk men were definitely flying into me. That was a bit unsettling, but I had fun. I did not enjoy the fact that it probably reached 10000 degrees in the place. I thought I would collapse. Then we went to Fazoli’s and creepy man was weird. “Do you know the score to the Iowa game?” “No.” “Do you know the score to the Iowa State game?” “No.” “Is your car the white one with its lights on?” “NO, what is this 20 questions?!?!” Yeah that happened, it was really funny.
Anyways, we ended up going downtown (imagine that) and we met up with Brian Niblo and Alex and Brian’s friend Sree. Yeah Jeremiah was there too. I was like eww gross, but oh well. I was Mr. Quotes tonight. I honestly couldn’t think of anything funny to say on my own, so I just quoted random shit all night. Everyone found it funny, so that’s what counts. I made people laugh. yay.
On the way home, Skinny and I talked about how guys here suck. Everyone is either slutty, and if not that, then they have some sort of problem with them *ahem*alocholism compulisive lying*ahem* Not that I know anyone like that.. lol
But it just kinda sucks. I honestly do not think I will date until I go to college, or at least until the summer when David comes back. I miss David. The more I see and meet more gay people here, and the more I realize how people really are, and the more I see the reality of some shit that goes on, the more I realize that David is my soul mate. I just can’t imagine being with anyone else, or wanting to be with anyone else. Seeing how everyone is slutty, or problematic, or whatever else just proves that. Because David was such a wonderful guy, my standards have been raised HIGH. And the thing is, I don’t think there is another guy out there who can/will do for me what David has done/will do(?). It just sucks that circumstances don’t work and all. Though I have a fear. My biggest fear right now is that over the summer or xmas break or something, I’ll see David. If I see him, no fail, both of us will fall in love again (actually, it isn’t falling in love again, it’s seeing the person, and realizing that you never stopped loving them). And what happens next? Well, let me tell you. We hang out, we kiss, we proclaim our love for each other, regardless of whether we are seeing someone else (hmm sound familiar?), and then we date (maybe). But my fear is this: That all this shit will go down over the summer, we spend 3 wonderful months together, and then.. BAM! Andrew moves off to California and everything is ruined. I have wanted to go to college in California all my damn life. I’m not sure how I could possibly pick between my love and my dreams. There is always the fear that things with David would not work out and then I would be stuck at a school I didn’t want to be at. I like how none of this has even happened. But I really think its gonna. I know that I won’t go the entire summer without seeing him. And in all honesty, I want to ask him to come to NJ with me. There isn’t anyone in the world I would rather go with. Which is weird, cause it would be like “Hi, we’ve talked some, and haven’t seen each other all year, but will you go to New Jersey to see my family with me?” Right. But I think he would do it. And that would be great. We could tour NY together, go swimming in the ocean together, go visit Erin, take walks down the boardwalk. I wish it was like that. Perhaps I’ll convince David to come move to California with me. We can live together and be the happy couple that I know is within us. Or maybe I have to wait 5 years until we can be together. Ugh, I’m so damn impatient. I think I am gonna call him later this week. He did tell me to call. It sucks, everytime I call, I want to ask if he still has feelings for me, and everytime we hang up, I always want to say “I love you.” Honestly, there always seems to be a little pause when we are about to say bye, and I think both of us wants to say I love you, and at the same time, both of us knows it just makes things harder. Like it’s not so bad when I don’t know what he feels, but if I know for a fact that he loves me, it makes it worse b/c I know that we CAN and SHOULD be together, but we AREN’T. I am so reading far too deep into everything. But it’s like, I don’t even find people very attractive anymore. David was the epitome of everything. Grr.. why is it like this? I think life is playing a cruel trick on me. It must hate me. Oh well…. I’ll survive, as I always do.
I love my Goose. Hope he still loves me too.

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