Category: AndyMcgee

Ames, yet again!

9:18PM – Ames, yet again!

So yeah another update that I write EXCLUSIVELY for Chris. He better feel damn special! Though I guess I would be writing this anyway b/c I always forget things that happen and need a journal to remind me. ANYWAYS
So yesterday, I was so excited all day to go up to see him, that I Just didn’t work out! Whoops! Oh well. So I get there and we just sat around, I forced him to make me lunch, and he did. It was sweet, even though I made him. lol 🙂
Then we watched “Starship Troopers” which was really kinda dumb, and Chris claims he now will have nightmares, crazy boy! Then we just talked, and did lots of random shit.
Went out to eat at the best Chinese place (“Enjoy your meal, please.” “Well, ok, but only b/c you said please.”) We totally BLARGED out. I ate two platefuls and then ice cream. I felt so sick on the way home, I thought I might throw up, so I cautioned Chris not to make any sudden stops, as he is known to do!
We went back to his house and started watching “Traffic” which is a really good movie. But I didn’t want to watch. We started cuddling and he was holding me and that was really YAY sweet! Oh I just remembered, he paid for dinner and that was really great too. So then we started kissing, and we kissed a lot, and it was so wonderful. I feel so many great emotions when I kiss him! I seriously have not felt this way in a LONG LONG LONG time. It is so nice to be held by someone who isn’t just there to fuck me, and who isn’t gonna leave me at the drop of a hat. So very very nice, to quote Chris lol. It was so cute, he was like “What’s going on in the movie?” and I wasl ike “I dunno.” and he said something like “It’s hard to concentrate when there’s a hot boy on the couch.” i was like awwww and I was probably blushing myself to death. THen I was on top of him, but I was way too crowded, so I suggested we move to the bed. I practically had to DRAG him along!
So we get there, and lay down, more kissing, more cuddling, more of that ear thing… mmmm. 🙂 We were having such a nice time, we kinda started talking about things, but we didn’t really push it, and I got the impression that he wanted to just talk later… .. which was fine, I just wanted to savor the moments I had with him. I had to leave eventually but I really didn’t want to!!! It was totally hard to leave. Like we sat up, kissed some more, then I pushed him back down and got on top of him for a minute or two, then got up, kissed more, and finally I got my shoes on. We kissed more, and I REALLY didn’t want to go. I would’ve easily just skipped school and spent the whole night with him. Even I am at a loss for words now… that should say something.
We kissed and kissed, kissed some more, I went to the door, went back, kissed, kissed, kissed! Yay, I love to kiss him. Such cute little lips, and they are so soft. It was great, just great.
Anyways… Adam called us a whole bunch during the night, but we never anwered our phones. Then he freaked out, blah blah, it’s practically turned into a daily occurence.
Well, I sure wish I could be with Chris. I miss the guy already! And the fact that it is totally hard for me to leave says something…. I’m falling for the guy!
Well, he has had to wait long enough for this, so I’m gonna go off and send it to him!

Another Paper By Andrew About JJ’s

A Perfect Evening”
“Dirty, dirty dishes.” That’s the sign that greets me as I walk into Java Joe’s, a coffeehouse downtown, through the back entrance. The container under the sign is piled high with the filthy plates, almost as a testament to the deliciousness they once presented. Java’s is my favorite place in the world–where I can drown all my sorrows in a delectable swirl of caramel and cappuccino. In my hectic life, it is comforting to know that I always have a place to go when I am touched by the bluebird of unhappiness. The screeching fluorescent lights, the brand-new band–no matter what, going down to Java’s relaxes me and puts my mind at ease. The sights, the sounds, the people–they all help to calm my sometimes jittery nerves.
I saunter in with friends, looking absolutely stunning, and glance around. heads turn, whispers abound, and I, listening to the explosive bursts of laughter and hearing the shots of gossip being fired, make my way through the battlefield that is the sitting area. I see a friend, an acquaintance, perhaps an ex; and, as a smile leaps onto my face, I raise my hand and wave at whomever it may be. Like a dog that sniffs at some savory cooking, my nose is instantly brought to attention by the smell of coffee. If all the happiness in the world were to become a smell, I would imagine it would smell just like the lattes and mochas that delight my nose now.
I strut my stuff to the front of the emporium, and place myself in a line of hungry souls that await the nourishment that can only be provided by the great deity that is coffee. I wait patiently, my stomach–anxiously awaiting the drink, of course–running and slamming against the walls of my insides, like a lab rat lost in a maze. While waiting, I look around and take in all the sights aroundme. A couple in the corner looks deep into each others’ eyes as their hands clasp together in an entanglement of fingers on the table. A man contemplates his next move in his chess game–should he risk a knight’s life or sacrifice a high and mighty bishop? My wait in line ends as a trendy girl with two-tone hair and several piercings helps me.
As I take my seat at my usual table with my friends, the band begins to play. The electric hummings that come out of the guitar send shockwaves of musical nirvana screaming at my ears. I sample my French vanilla latte and my tastebuds sing; as the slick liquid descends down my throat, the creamy auburn concoction soothes me. My mind relaxes and I feel at peace. The band plays a new tune and i can almost see the music notes trembling in the air, in glorious harmony.
I am sitting close to the entrance and I watch as people, like bees, swarm in and out of the luscious hive. Some are smiling, some are wearing grievous expressions–perhaps they have had a less than stellar day. I enjoy watchin and perceiving the various type of individuals. I listen intentely to the melody being played and tap my feet in accordance with the beat. My mind wanders and I feel happy and free. A friend shouts at me, his deep resonating voice shattering my peaceful reverie. He says we should go outside and take a walk.
Like a small child who doesnt want to leave the playground, I get off my chair methodically and walk towards the door. I inhale one last breath of that wondrous smell, the smell of fun and relaxation and happiness and everything that’s good all rolled into one. I link arms with a friend and we proceed out joyously. As I walk out, the pink elephant mobile (hanging down from the ceiling) winks at me and I am relaxed as I feel I will ever e. My friend and I step out onto the pavement, our hands and our hearts togehther, and heaven drops down upon us in the form of crystalline snowflakes that soon cover the cool winter ground.

Ok so reading it again id ont like it as much. i really like the last sentence though. and the reason it is so ‘flowery’ is b/c it was supposed to be a descriptive essay, so lots of fig. lang. and stuff.
anyways enjoy
andrew

Andrew’s Paper About Himself

j@j@ SqUaLL0112@aol.com
To: chris@cjbonline.org
Subject: (no subject)
Date: Sun, 6 Apr 2003 21:20:00 EDT
AndrewMcGeehan

February10, 2003

Mrs.Shields

APLit and Comp.

MyPersonality

Writingan entire paper about oneself at first seems to be such a simple task. Afterall, who knows myself better than me? However, as the beginnings of this paperbegan to take shape, I see that it is much harder to look at yourselfobjectively and tell the truth than I initially thought. I have enjoyed theexperience, though, of getting a chance to step back, look at myself, andrealize my values and how I view myself.
Myphysical characteristics are, I believe, the most difficult to explain. Findingthe right words to describe myself as I would like to be described has provento be a taxing endeavor. As I gaze at a picture of myself, I decide to justwrite exactly what I see. I see me: a young man of medium height and mediumbuild. Nearly jet-black hair arranged in orderly spikes is dispensed evenlyabout my head. My forehead contains two beauty marks, one above the righteyebrow, the other just under my hairline on the left side of my forehead. Mybushy eyebrows come next, and I’ve always felt that the bushiness adds a touchof character. There is a hole in the right brow through which a metal barbellhas been placed. My eyes are brown and commonplace, yet also achieve a depthand expression that is, in my opinion, unrivaled. Full and passionate lips areprobably the most striking feature on my face. They are cherry red, andconstantly chapped and scarred—I have a habit of picking off the outer layer ofskin whenever I get anxious or nervous. My ears are just the right size inproportion to the rest of me, and the left one contains two bumps: one on mycartilage, and the other on my earlobe—these are the remnants of formerpiercings. Probably my favorite feature on myself is something that isn’tvisibly seen by the naked eye. I have a tattoo down by my pelvic bone. It is ofa four-leaf clover. Being the impulsive and crazy guy that I am, the day Iturned 18, I was at the tattoo parlor getting it done. The tattoo, to me, addseven more depth to my character. When I look at the whole deal, I’d like tothink I’m a pretty handsome guy.
Iquestioned many friends during the course of writing this paper, in an attemptto find out if what I thought about myself was parallel to what my friendsthought of me. Nearly all of their answers matched up with what I believed, soI would say that I have a pretty good self-image of myself.
Iwould say that my distinguishing characteristic is my humor. I enjoy makingpeople laugh and seeing them have a good time. Humor to me comes naturally andI constantly tell stories with zeal and zest—nearly all of them are veryentertaining. Sometimes I tend to exaggerate what really happened, just a bit,for comedic effect. But I truly think that it isn’t a big deal; it adds to thestory and most of the time isn’t even that far of a stretch from what reallyhappened. My humor, I think, is sometimes a mask for me. I use it to mask mycynicism, my pains, my sorrows. It is sometimes easier to just laugh aboutsomething and make it into a funny story than to deal with it. This can lead meto repress things. When this happens, I often explode with anger aninappropriate times; usually it is directed towards someone who hasn’t evendone anything—whoever happens to be there at the time will receive the brunt ofmy rage. At the same time, though, humor is also what keeps me going. I make itthrough my school days, I make it through work, I make it through speechpractice because of humor. I love to laugh. It makes me feel good and fuzzyinside. It also is a very good stress reliever to just laugh and laugh aboutabsolutely nothing, which I frequently do. I think I have a sense of humor thatis just slightly off kilter with everyone else’s. While not a big deal, sometimesI will laugh uncontrollably at something that other people just roll their eyesat. One thing I do that no one else seems to enjoy, save just a select few ofmy friends, is quote things. I love Margaret Cho, the Queens of Comedy, andThe Simpsons. I think they are just the funniest things I have ever seen. Ican spend an entire night quoting them, much to the dismay of the people aroundme. I would have to say that my favorite quote is from Margaret Cho’s movie,I’m the One that I Want: The photographer kept saying, ‘Could you just twistso you have a waist? And stretch out your face so you don’t have a double chin,ok?’ twist, chin, Twist, Chin, TWIST, CHIN, AHHH! Tears filled up in my eyesand rolled down my face and the makeup artist came and powdered over it.
Onething about me that I feel makes me stand out around other people is myuniqueness and individuality. I feel that I am very different than most people.One of the reasons I feel this is because I’m gay. It may be fairly common in someplaces, but here in Waukee, it is practically unheard of. This circumstancesets me apart from most others. Another thing is that I am just wild, crazy,and adventurous. I am willing to try anything once. Occasionally, I do reallyrandom things. I don’t care what other people think; I just like to go out andhave a good time. For example, when Ginny Ray and I go shopping, sometimes shewill trip me and we will just fall to the ground as dramatically as possible,laughing the whole way. I’m just weird all around. I constantly have verystrange ideas, and I say the most random things. However, it is all just a partof my sense of humor. Me being random very often gets people to laugh, if notonly at the sheer randomness. And making people laugh makes me feel good aboutmyself, and makes others happy, so I feel that it is all a good thing.
Iam valorous and loyal. I try to always be the person who says, This isn’t theend of the world. We can make it through. I think I have been through somepretty tough stuff, and I have always come out on top. In the face of adversity, I steel myself,and am strong. I always hope that others follow my example, or are inspired byme. I don’t think anyone ever is, though. Loyalty is a trait that I value verymuch. I stay true to my friends, and I would expect that they do the same forme. I attempt to not betray my friends, though I have before, and more thanlikely it was unwittingly.
Withevery good, of course, comes bad. I have talked for two pages about my goodqualities, and why I think I am so great. I have just as much to say about myfaults.
Afault that can probably be gathered from this paper is the fact that I amconceited. I have a very high opinion of myself. I hold myself in higherregards than I do most other people. This does not include my friends ofcourse—people who I like I feel are on the same plane as me. However, peoplethat I dislike, I tend to think of as lower than I. Why I feel this way is amystery to me. I just think that I am a great guy, and deserving of goodthings. Along with this comes the fact that I am selfish and egocentric. In myworld, I come first, before anyone else. My happiness, my enjoyment, mypleasure must be in place before I think about anyone else’s. For the mostpart, I lack the skills of sharing. I make sure that I get what I want. It isdefinitely a bad trait to have at times, but I feel that one’s own happiness isof utmost importance. If a person spends their entire life just trying to makeother people happy, they are the ones who will end up downcast later in life.
Ihave not always been, but lately have become, very cynical. Like I said, it isusually masked with humor. I tend to look at the worst parts of a situation.For example, eating at McDonalds one day, after I had finished reading the bookFast Food Nation (an expose about the fast food industry), I spent the entiremeal complaining about how fast food is made, and how terrible it is and howhorrible our government must be to allow such things to exist. My friend Mike,who was with me, just looked over at me and said, Since when did you become sodamn cynical? I honestly don’t know when it started. I just suddenly startedthinking that there are so many problems in society that need to be fixedbefore we can live healthy, moral lives again. This makes me sound like a sad,melancholy person, who just sits home all day and broods over society’sproblems. That clearly is not the truth. I don’t think about these things allthe time. I am very good at pushing things out of my mind and just pretendingthey don’t exist. So while I am cynical, it doesn’t show very often. However,there are rare occasions, such as the McDonalds incident, where I just can’tstop discussing the worlds’ puzzles. At the same time that I say this, I ambeing hypocritical, which is another one of my downfalls. I don’t think mymorals are as high as the social ‘norms’, though they are higher than manypeople that I know. This is mainly because I feel that life is for living, andthat I’m not going to waste my time worrying about if what I’m doing is rightor not. I will do what I want, when I want, and how I want to. If people haveproblems with it, they can get over it. My life is for me, not for anyone else.
Thatstatement is hypocritical in itself. What I consider to be my biggest fault isthat I am sensitive. I let things get to me too easily. One person saying onemean thing to me can ruin my day. Many of my friends complain that they can’tjoke with me because I take everything too seriously. In that kind ofsituation, I find it hard to tell when a person is joking or not. This causesme much distress sometimes. I do not enjoy being ridiculed. Occasionally, whenit is by close friends and not in excess, it is ok. But oftentimes, I justwonder why my friends would be mean to me. I don’t understand why I can’t justrealize the fact that they are joking. Especially because I’ll do the samething back to them, and expect them to just be fine with it. I am attempting totoughen up and work on this, and so far, I have had some success. I just tryto dismiss it as a joke, and strive to not let it bother me.
Onemore thing, and this probably bothers people the most, about me is that I amultra melodramatic. I tend to blow things way out of proportion, sometimes forno real reason. Often times, it is because I really feel that the situationwarrants the attention I give it. Many people just think I’m dramatic bynature. I guess there are several situations that I see as very big crises, andothers see as just a small inconvenience. Part of the reason I do this is toadd at least a little variety to life. Living here in Iowa can get quite boringat times, so I feel the need to spice up my own life with some good old drama.
Despitethese faults that I find in myself, I still believe I am a good guy. Everyonehas good in them, though sometimes it takes a bit more effort to unearth. Ihave big plans for the rest of my life. My immediate longing was to livesomewhere other than Iowa. This is finally going to happen. Next year, I willbe attending Chapman University, a small private school in Orange, California,just thirty miles south of Los Angeles. I plan to study law, and am consideringa career in entertainment law; however, this is tentative and will probablychange many times before I finally decide what I want to do with my life.Whatever I do, I know that I want to make a success of myself, and I want tomake my family proud. I want to have at least one positive impact on the livesof the people who know me and on the world as a whole. I think I have a lotgoing for me. The future seems bright.
Thereis a song by Pink Floyd (my favorite band) that sums up how I feel aboutmyself, my life, and my future. It is called Learning to Fly. It is about aman who, as the title implies, wishes to learn to fly. He says, My soleintention is learning to fly. Condition grounded, but determined to try. Can’tkeep my eyes from the circling skies. Tongue-tied and twisted, just anearthbound misfit. I feel that at the end of high school, I really am learningto fly. I will be spreading my wings in a new state, with new people, and neweverything. I hope to one day see my shadow fly, out of the corner of mywatering eye. I will be able to start my new life, be who I want to be,experience life to the fullest, and for the first time, live.

}

Entries on and for Chris

7:10PM – “Entries on and for Chris”

Ok, so real quick, stupid nasty boy I went out with last week orwahtever just IMed me and I definitely picked not to accept it. Oh, I am such a bitch.
Thursday night Chris came down to hang out. I called him on break to see if he wanted to… I wanted him to, but I didn’t think he would, so I was just trying to be sly and cute about it. I’m not sure it worked, but either way, he came down. He claims I forced him, but I didn’t. Though I did feel bad when we got off the phone, cause I wasn’t really sure he wanted to.

We hung out at JJ’s most of the night, and that was really cool. Ran into Betsy, said “YOU DIDNT SEE US!” and then they were off and we went to the Skywalks. We just walked around, and talked and got lost and it was really fun. THe whole time I just wanted to kiss him… which confuses me.

I’m confused b/c I don’t know what I can and cannot do. Am I allowed to kiss him? I don’t know! And since I don’t know, I usually just leave it up to him to choose what will be done. I feel since he is the one freshly out of a relationship, he should be calling the shots here… I’m not sure if that is right or not….

Anywyas, we had a good talk about making friends and me moving and other random shit. I know Chris would be able to make friends, but he seems so insecure! I can understand where he is coming from though. I always try to boost his self-confidence so that he will go out and make friends. Of course, everythign I tell him is the truth. Lying won’t ever have anythng good come of it. So we talked some more, andthen I needed to go b/c I had to pack and then get ready for bed since I was getting up eary for Cali.

We went outside, and I got a kiss! I was totally wanting one all night and I finally got one! It was really sweet, and like Chris said in his journal, I really wanted to kiss more, but we couldn’t really… and his breath wasn’t bad at all 🙂 hehe.

He mentioned in his journal that he may feel intimidated by me if we enter into a relationship. I wish that wasn’t the case. He mentioned feeling fat, and I wish he wouldn’t fee that either! I don’t think he’s fat at all! Chris, you are not fat!

Cali was ok, I thought about Chris a lot, and I missed him a lot.

We talked a few times, and I started to feel bad b/c I Thought I called him too many times. But one time, just as I was leaving the Great Indoors, he called me. He said he just wanted to say that he really missed me and couldn’t wait until I came back. That made me SO happy, I was smiling for a few hours after that. He mentioned he thought I sounded surprised… and I Guess I was, I didn’t expect him to do that, which just made it all the more sweet. I wanted to say more to him, but we were in the car with my mom and I felt weird.

I called him later on, just to say goodnight. Now it was my turn to feel stupid. I kinda just wanted to hear his voice again…. yeah, I know I’m freaking retarded. So I called… and I Felt so dumb for calling so often. But I really did wanna tell him goodnight, and had I been in Des Moines, we would’ve spent the whole night together (Which I WISH I could’ve done, b/c I did nothing in Cali!) so I figured I’d be saying goodnght to him there, and there was no reason I should’nt just b/c I wasn’t in the same state as him. OK, that sounds really dumb, I just wanted to fucking call him ok??? And I can do whatever I want!!!

*whew*

So next day (today, it feels like a new day, I’ve been up too long) I finally came home! I was so excited, all day on the plane (In between sleeping that is) I just thought about Chris. I wanted to hug him so bad, and I *really* wanted to kiss him and just be there with him. I finally got home and went over to Adam’s… three of us, AWKWARD! I just wanted to kick Adam away and kiss Chris. Of course, I didn’t and the way Adam looked as he was driving away indicated that he wasn’t very happy that Chris and I were planning on hanging out.

So we hung out and didn’t really do much. Drove random places, talked about random things. Wanted to kiss him the whole time, but kept myself under control. Eventually we didn’t know what to do. He said if I didn’t think of anything, I was going home and so was he. I wanted to scream, “Just take me with you, let’s go to Polk City and cuddle and be sweet and hold me!” Anywyas, I think what I mustered out was “FINE.” lol. So I went home… I wanted a kiss.

I didn’t get one.

I understand though. I spent most of the time home upset, and wondering why he didn’t kiss me. I did get a cheek kiss and when I went to kiss him (yes, I finally got some balls and was gonna do it) I got a cheek from him. It upset me…. but now I understand… Adam’s house, etc.

But still… I wanted my kiss dammit!

Chris said that his cousin was talking about how there were “sparks” between us and stuff and to go for it and she’s apparently really an advocate for Andrew & Chris: The Couple. Which is cool, at least someone wants it besides us! Not like it mattesr what other people think.. but yeah.

Chris and I need to talk . He indicated that on his journal, and it would probably be a good thing. But I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to come off as “creepy” b/c I REALLY REALLY care for him…..IMMENSELY. More than most people know…..

How could I not? This crush is in its 8th month… For the past 8 months, I have longed and wanted and hoped to be with Chris. I feel I’m close now.. I am finally so close….
I’ll do something to fuck it up. Because I always do. And I always will. I can so easily fuck things up, it is uncanny.

I pray that I don’t. I just wanna be with him and be happy.
Sometimes I Feel like such a loser.

Well, now to ship this one out!

Current mood: confused
Current music: the furnace

A Day In Ames

Today was such a great day!

So I got outta school at 10:20 b/c it was early out day, so that was totoally cool. I worked out real quick, and I do mean REALLY quick, and then I went home.

I had made plans to hang out with Chris, since we weren’t gonna see each other this weekend. So I drove up to Ames, and met him at his apartment, where I gave him the two books he asked to borrow, plus a pic of me and him that Jenny gave me today. It’s really cute, at least I think so!

So then we went out to lunch at Great Plains, which had pizza, and it was really good. I bought Chris lunch b/c I’m just a good guy like that. We left and then went to campus. We just walked around there for a really long time, sat down and talked on the grass. We saw Ramsey, who Chris works with, and he’s hot! lol. I enjoyed him. THen we just did a lot of walking around, there were some really good looking guys around, so that was nice! However, there were definitely some unfortunate souls as well lol. We ran into Julian at the library and that was cool too, I haven’t seen him in such a long time!

Eventually, we made our way to Dairy Queen and I bought us ice cream. It was like a special, so no big deal. We ate it and that was fun.
We eventually made our way back to Chris’ apartment. He did tell me that next summer I Could live with him, instead of going to NJ. Which honestly seems like it could be a real possibility. He said I’d just have to pay for utilities (like 20 bucks a month) and then I would just have to find a job and get a car, and things would be good. And I bet with a bit of coaxing, I could stay in the bed! Hehe 🙂

So at his apartment is where things got interesting. We were wrestiling a lot, with Chris pinning me down, but only sometimes lol. Eventually, we somehow ended up with him sitting on the couch and me like laying down with my head in his crotch and he had his hands on mine. *sigh* So nice. We just talked and wrestled some more, and then we went into his room to play some music. We layed down on the bed together, and that was really nice. We were just laying there, I had my arm across his chest, and then we were just laying there. I told him I had a really good day (which I totally did, it was awesome!) andhe said he did as well. Then I kissed his cheek. Then we kinda just sat there, and I think we both knew what was coming. I am a bit surprised that he was the one who actually brought his lips up to mine. It was reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally nice. We kissed for a little bit. I asked if he was tired yet, b/c he always says he gets tired of that stuff…. he said no, I felt special. We kept kissing… it passed the time when I should’ve left to go see Trisha. I couldn’t leave… “I should probably go in a few minutes” Famous words lol. It was really really nice to kiss Chris again. It was really nice to be able to look at him and see him smiling back, even if it was only with one eye open 🙂 He is such a special guy. Eventually, much to my dismay, I had to leave. I really didn’t want to, especially when Trisha called and said she just wanted to go get ice cream for a short while.. I was like “I wanna stay with Chris!” and then I whined some more. We hugged goodbye, a nice long hug…. he kissed me again, I was beaming inside. And out as well, I’m sure. It was just soooooo wonderful, and it makes me not wanna go to Cali this weekend and just spend it all with Chris. Not to sound obsessive or anyhing, but I only have a limited time here and I want to make every minute count.

It was really good to kiss him. I don’t think I’ve said that enough. It was really sweet kisses…. not ‘let’s fool around’ kisses, which aren’t necessarily bad… but they aren’t something that needs to happen right now. These kisses are so…. gentle and caring.. I can really tell Chris cares about me. There is always that .0000001% of me that doubts…but I think Chris is sincere. He always has been in my experience.
*Sigh* I want to be with him! I don’t care if I have to keep it a secret…. Topher is what I want right now!

Anyways… I am thinking I’ll let him read this… but only if he lets me read his private one, which I am sure he wrote after today’s events!
Here’s to having a great day with Chris! *Raises glass* Cheer cheer!