Two Years

So tomorrow.

2 years ago tomorrow, I was sitting at my desk, working away and taking phone calls, when I turned around and saw my supervisor walking in my general direction with some flowers. It was Johnny’s last day (he sat right next to me) so I assumed they were for him. Instead, Brent set them down at my desk and said “these just came for you.” My heart raced, my cheeks flushed, and I hurriedly opened the card.

“Andrew- Let’s drop the ‘almost’ – Topher”

And just like that, I had a boyfriend. At that instant in time, I had no idea that I was in for the happiest 14 months of my life, and the most depressed 9 months after. I had no idea this would take me to Omaha, to Kansas, to NJ, to Cali, to zoos, malls, gardens, hot tubs, coffee shops, museums, and everywhere in between. I had no idea I’d be so in love with someone and fly home twice my first semester to see them. And that they would love me so much they would come twice to see me my second semester. I had no idea I would give everything I had to one person, and receive it in return. I had no idea I would know real love, and be taken to heaven. And I definitely had no idea I’d drop so far into hell afterwards, and experience a sadness and depression I’ve never known.

Yes, 2 years has passed. What started out as a love that yearned to live forever, has now degraded into him wishing I’d rot in hell. Him having another boyfriend, who he openly admitted would never be as good as me. And me. Here, unable to understand why I can’t stop crying. Forcibly stopping myself from calling, and wishing things had turned out different.

It is kind of funny. I told him one time that I would be willing to move back to Iowa and go to ISU for him, if he thought that’s what it would take to get us back together. I was that in love with him, that I would’ve uprooted my life just for us to be happy again. And now I am leaving… but without him. And now he hates me for leaving. And I might never see him again. All I have are pictures, and I can’t even look at them, it’s too painful. All the while he is happy with someone else.

We’ve been broken up 9 months now. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday we kissed for the first time, or just yesterday that we spent all day at Rieman Gardens, or just yesterday that he flew me out to college… or just yesterday that I flew back to Iowa just to tell him I loved him.

“Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth,

Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt,

Still a little hard to say what’s going on

Still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness

Still a little bit of your face I haven’t kissed

Stones taught me to fly

Love taught me to lie

And life it taught me to die

So it’s not hard to fall

When you float like a cannonball”

I wish this wasn’t happening to me. I wish everything would be alright. I hate feeling like this, and I don’t know when it’s going to stop.

Tomorrow is going to be even worse. I’m going to try not to cry, but I’m not promising anything. Based on today, I probably won’t be able to control myself.

My Life


So how does everyone like the new colors?

Click here if you’re reading a ghost copy. (IE on Livejournal or Myspace).

Thanks to JonJon for help with the color choices.

My Life

Everything Hates Me

Even the fucking vending machines.

I didn’t have any food in my house this morning to bring to campus, so that I could eat and not starve to death. So I grabbed $.75 so that I could get something from the vending machine. Well I came to Carver just now and wanted some Skittles. (The thing with least amount of fat/calories). Put in my $.75, and pushed in ’25’. And the god damn thing got stuck! I was pissed.

Now I have nothing to eat and I’m stuck on campus tell 5:30. I’m going to starve to death! ::whines::

Things yesterday/last night sucked. Lots of life decisions to be made, but none of it’s in my hands and that just really scares me. It seems as though they’ve been made, or at least narrowed, and I have yet to be informed of that… But there really hasn’t been any time to do that yet. I’m just waiting for tonight/whenever to roll around os that I know what’s going to happen. I hate being in suspense.

I did get to watch the West Wing and Ed Premiers last night though. They were both very sad and I cried during them.

The Ed one really got me thinking though, about the first time I’ve had sex, and the first time that Andrew and I did anything. It made me sad and really miss him, and having that physical relationship with him. It’s hard, and I’m glad that we at least still have the emotional relationship, mostly.

I’ve very scared right now, about a lot of things. The only thing though that I can really write about is my tests.

I have two this next week. Both have LARGE amounts of essay questions. I hate essay questions, and I suck at doing them. Not good.

My MGMT 414 prof gave us a list of 10 questions today that could potentially be essays. Someone asked how many he was going to pick and he said he didn’t know tell the day before the test. He did say that he will pick anywhere from 1-5 of those questions though.

Then someone asked him how long our responces have to be to the questions. And he said, “I’ll tell you that on the day of the test.”

GREAT!! So not only do we NOT know how many there are going to be, but we also have NO IDEA how long/detailed our answers need to be to get the full points.

AND to top it all off, the essays are 60% of our grade for the test! God damnit!

THEN THEN THEN!!! Get this, My International Poltics class we have a test on Tuesday, 50% of our grade on that test is the essay questions which could be from chapter 1-3 in our Nye Reading, any of the 8 short (ie, 5 page) articles that we’ve had to read, or ANY of the crazy news stories that he talks about in class every day!

NOt only do we have NO IDEA what READING they are going to be over, but we HAVE NO IDEA what the questions are going to be, or be like! I REALLY hate that.

THEN! There’s 6 short answer questions, which could be over any of the above readings, and the Foreword, Afterword or conclusion of this other book that we have to read!

Someone help… I’m going to fucking shoot myself. With this and all the emotional stresses going on, I really can’t handle all this.

And to make things 10 million times worse, I was mean and bitchy to Andrew last night, and I feel bad about that. 🙁 I wish everything could go back to the way that it was. Before he left, this is all just too much for me. But once this decision is made, everything will be better… Hopefully. And I have full faith that he will make the “right” decision. Whatever that may be, because honestly, I don’t even know. Only time will show us if the decision is right or not.

There is a little bit of good news going on in my life though… I’m wearing cute boxers!

Wait, that wasn’t it. Oh, I turned in my app today for the Yucatan thing. And there’s a meeting on the 9th of Oct to go to. So hopefully I get accepted to that. It’ll be way exciting and be a huge boost to my self-confidence. Because honestly, after seeing the Vegas pics, it’s lacking a bit more right now.

Oh, and FYI, they are cute boxers… They’re all black, with cute little ghost eyes on them. So adorable! I hope the others that they had go on sale here soon, cause I want them as well. So cute!

They don’t have the ones that I’m wearing on-line… But here’s the ones that I want:

(Ok, I actually have these!)

Anyways, I’m out… I think I may buy those tonight.. I seem to have extra money left over this month!

My Life


So people recently have been overly bitchy, eh. Just everyone in general. But whatever.

It’s Friday and Nazanin’s gone. I’ve come into the possesion of a 1927 Edition of the Boy Scout Handbook. I’m excited.

Last night was fun as hell. Everyone’s getting Live Journal’s now… It’s exciting. So yeah, if I’ve missed you in adding to my reading list, e-mail me and I’ll get you up there. Like everyone and thier brother was down town last night, including every fcking hot boi in the state. So yeah. It was nice.

Not much really going on. There were only 5 people in my class today. The prof was like, “Oh well” and just went on teaching. I’m glad I went today too cause she covered alot of stuff that were going to need to know to do the next program. WE also got extra credit so it was nice.

I want to go swimming tonight. But I don’t know if we are going to get too. I’m also really excited about my new book. I bet it’s worth like $3000. I’ve been thinking about selling off all my BSA books / patches. I could probably get like about $5,000 out of them all, I’ve got some rare patches. Hell I’ve got 6 Ghost patches from the SD council. Each one of those usually goes for like $100

I’m going SQLing now. Laters all!

My Life

March 30, 2001

march 30 #2. today’s really fucking boring, we don’t have any

classes today, so my roomie is still fucking sleeping, the ddumbshit, why

couldn’t he have dgone home this fucking weekend? damnit. i was up tell like

1 this morning and then got up at 7 and just kinda laid there, i think i fell

asleep again, but i remember finally getting out of bed at like 9, but ya

know talking about bed and sleeping, i remember this dream i had last night.

i don’t know what the hell was going on, but i was walking into polk city

and the whole town was just like dead, it was like a ghost town or something,

but 415 was now like 4 lanes, but it was all dirt and i got to about where

the LCF was, and it was still there. and as i was walking past John, some

guy i used to work with, drove by and stopped and offered me a ride home,

and that’s where it ended, but it was just wierd cause no one else was driving

and the town was just like dead, and i was walking in from somewhere, i don’t

know where, but i remember that i had a backpack and stuff, yeah it was weird.

oh i don’t remember if i already talked about this or not, but i called that

guy from sf like 4 times last night, but he never answered his phone, so i

dunno, i’m just gonna kinda forget bout him, unless he e-mails me or something.

i went to sf today and drove around some, i drove through the Augie campus,

but didn’t happen to spot him, i think it would be pretty easy to spot him,

i don’t know why, but i just have this feeling. you know how it goes. I wanna

learn the permissions on this win2k better, but i don’t want to take the chance

of killing it, so i’m not going to do much, and plus with them cracking down

on server software on thier network i don’t want to take the chance of accidently

opening a hole somewhere. lol. I”m getting much bettter downloads though

then i was with WinMe, i like not being in the cap, and with everyone else

capped yet, yeah, it’s so much better, .