Chris' Site

may 31, #4 [steve miller, "swingtown"] ok well i guess i’m not

signing out yet. there was one thing that i had to get off my chest before

i went to camp. and i did it. it was really hard and it took alot of convincing

and thinking about it on my part, but after tonight and spending time with

that person tonight. i just had to do it. i told jules about how i feel towards

him. well i didn’t really go into any real detail, but i just told him that

i liked him. i mean that’s all they are, if i had the opurtinunity i would

date him, but right now that’s all they are, and that’s as far as they’ll

go unless he feels the same way. but yep, it was just something that i had

to do. tonight i really relized that i changed when i was around him. i dunno.

but i saw a change in the way i acted when he was there, and then after he

left. [bsb, "i want it that way"] so yeah. i told him. lets hope

he takes it well. i don’t really mean to hurt him or make him feel uncomfortable

or anything, it was just something that i had to get out. i had to say it.

it wasn’t the best way that i did it, by sending a quick e-mail. but i really

wanted to tell him last night, but he wasn’t anywhere to be found. and i didn’t

get a chance to do it tonight. i’m kinda worried now about how he’ll take

it. and shit cause i know it’s happened to him before, where one of his friends

will have feelings for him, but he doesn’t have feelings for them, and i know

he talks about them behind their backs and i’m scared that he’ll do that to

me. but i mean i don’t care that people know that i have feelings for him,

or else i wouldn’t be writing this, but he makes jokes out of it, and it’s

not something that you should be making jokes with, it’s someone’s personal

feelings and you should respect those. that’s all i want to say on the issue,

i’m tired and tomorrows going to be a long and tiering day. i’ll miss everyone

this summer. i wish i could be around more.

may 31, #3 [savage garden, "crash and burn"] ok this is really

weird i just went up stairs to my room and laying on my bed there was a card,

and the cover read " every passage has it’s beacon. Every shadow has

it’s light, we must therefore keep watch. my friend, keep watch." and

the inside says, "Everything is going to be alright" and then they

wrote "love mom and dad"

may 31, #2 [bog seger, "hollywood nights"] well i just got back

from a night out with everyone that was lots of fun. it was good seeing everyone

for one last night before i leave town. yeah it was good. well this is chris

signing out from home. i’ll see ya all in a couple weeks.

may 31, [matchbox 20, "girl like that"] well it’s still early,

i’ve got almost everything packed, just a few small things are left to get

out to the car and such. i guess mandy and them are all planning something

for me. it should be cool. i’m happy. i’ve been in one of those moods all

day, you know like on the verge of crying but not there yet. yeah like that.

i went to lunch with angie, that was really good. we went to chli’s and one

of her friends was working there and he was our waiter. it was cool. he was

cute, lol. other then that not much going on. my car is packed full of shit

that i’m taking, it’s pretty funny, usually i can fit everything i need for

a week of camp into a backpack, but i have two foot lockers and a couple of

those little plastic drawer things. it’s all good though, i should have enough

shit to last all summer up there. yep, my last day in civilization. it sucks.

may 30, [fine young cannibals, "she drives me crazy"] so today’s

just been really really sucky. i spent this morning just packong shit and

going over all the knots and stuff that i have to know. yeah that wasn’t fun.

really not much has happened today, but i’ve been in a really downer mood.

my parents haven’t said anything to me but come eat and little shit like that.

i’ve tried talking to them both tonight and they just ignore me. alot of people

have been ignoring me lately. they really have. i feel so left out and alone,

in the middle of no where. i really do. i’ve been sitting here for the last

hour and a half or so. just waiting for people to pull into my drive way,

or hoping that someone will call. but no one’s around., and there’s nothing

to do. i’m agout ready to go crazy. i just want this to be over. i want out

of here. i want to be gone. my parents have been arguing all night about being

able to pay for college too. it’s like, you fuckers. you knew this was coming

why the hell havn’t you saved up for it or anything? [bee gee’s, "how

can you mend a broken heart"] and ya know they haven’t put in the fafsa

yet, so i really don’t feel sorry for them, the stupid bastards. and plus

i’m really getting pissed at them about the whole working thing too, i’ve

just been kinda listening to them, and they’ve been bitching about me not

working for the last year. and i jsut want so badly to fucking scream at them,

but how long have i been working, how much have i saved you so far because

you won’t pay for simple little things what i was younger, how much of MY

life has been wasted because you made me work in that god damn fucking store

and how much of my teenage life was wasted because i had to work at places

because you wouldn’t buy me a car, or pay for simple things that i needed.

they wouldn’t give me an allowance, they wouldn’t buy me little things that

i needed. they wouldn’t do shit for me. i’m really fucking surprised they’ve

even offered to pay for college and shit. [billy gilman, "another night"]

i jsut want to fucking scream at them right now, i really god damnit do. i

know i know, i’ve been using fucking alot again lately, but this is just really

damnit.