25 years… That’s a long time.

So yeah, this weekend has been alright. I went home Friday night and hung out, hot tub, etc. I didn’t want to go out cause I thought that I had to get up early to go to the PU’s anniversary thing. So I went to bed early and got up early… Got all cute and shit and then came downstairs to find the rest of the family….

PAINTING THE CIELING??? I was so confused… I know that someone told me that thing was on Saturday. Once I get time, I’m going to go look and find out who it was. Cause it WASN’T saturday, it was SUNDAY. Rarr!

So I spent Saturday sitting around my house doing ABOSLUTELY NOTHING! It was so boring and shit. I went downtown about 7ish and ran into James, who I haven’t seen in like forever! So we talke for a while, but he was on his way to Homecoming. So he went off with girl. After that I walked around tell like 9, when no one was there, I went home.

As soon as I got in the door, Andrew called and said he was at Jester and wanted to hang out. I said only if he drove, so he came over and picked me up and we went downtown. I was kinda hoping there wouldn’t be many people there so we could talk about things, but like EVERYONE was there… It was very good to see everyone again. It’s been soooo boring with out them. Mike had apparently walked to Java Joe’s from his house (go read his site for his rantings about there). Poor him. But had he given me a call, I would have GLADLY gone over and picked him up. Cause at the time that he left, I was sitting around my house SO VERY Board!

Anyways, we hung out and it was fun times. Andrew and I left about ten tell midnight, and took Mike home. We got back to my house about 12:30 and Andrew had 30 minutes to get home before his curfew, so I gave him directions to get there the fast way, instead of going to back to Johnston and then to his house, which if he hadn’t got lost would have got him home about 5 minutes before 1.. So he went off and I was like, I should stay up to make sure he doesn’t get lost. Cause I know how hard it is to get to DM going that way… And of course, about 10 to 1 he called, Lost as hell! He had followed the directions, but missed his corner, so he went on to the next corner which took him to the same spot that he would have come out had he taken the previous corner. But instead of turning left to go east to DM, he turned West… Cause he didn’t realize what side of DM he was on…. Anyways, when he called me he was at the Boone exit… Totally out of the way. I told him to turn around and he did.. And apparently he made it home in time… I hope he’s not in very much trouble.. Cause that would suck!!

Anyways. Today was that family thing and it was amusing. Umm, then I came home and did HW and now it’s late, so I’m going to go do other stuff to releive some pressure… Laters!

i know that its late and maybe I shouldn’t be so into you…

And with those words, the song that can always make me cry begins. Why can’t things be easy? Why can’t people understand? I am sad. I am upset. I am crazy. I am sick. I am in love. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Driving home from Skinny’s, I was feeling sad. I just was. Mostly because David said he might call today and maybe we could hang out. Well, I knew from the get-go that he would not call, but I held on to this very small glimmering hope that maybe, just maybe, he would realize some things and want to see me. I don’t understand. I gave him everything he possibly needed. I bitched minimally. We had the best relationship I have ever been in, and the best I foresee myself in. I can’t believe I can’t have that anymore. But he loves me. I know he does. He has a hard time admitting things, and he probably is trying to repress everything, just like I try to do. However, I tend to fail and then I explode and end up crying a lot. Sometimes I like to cry. Driving home, when I was listening to our song (Brandy #14) I cried. But I liked it, I needed to do it. But as I was crying, all I could see was David sitting next to me in the car, and us both holding hands and both crying, and him telling me how he never should’ve let me go, and how much he loved me, and how proud he always was of me, and how no one ever genuinely cared for him that way I did. What did I do to have that ripped away from me? This sucks. I hate this. I want to be happy. Being with David makes me happy. He did so much for me that no one ever knew about. And of course, as soon as I got home, I had to go and pull out the box with all our pictures and all the gifts he gave me. Of course, that incited another round of crying. We were so perfect together. We are so perfect together. When will this happiness resume? Christmas? Summer? Next year? Five years from now? I can’t wait that long. I can’t even get close to anyone anymore. I don’t want to be close to anyone anymore. I want to be close to David. I want him to be in my life. I want him to love me. I want us to be the happy, loving, great and wonderful couple that we always were. I want things to be the way they used to. The laughter, the late night phone calls, the walks, the watching COPS with his parents, the dinners, the drinks, the kisses, the hugs, and everything in between. Oh why can’t it be that way?

I have to go to a wedding now. I’d rather shoot myself.

Rape!!!

So, we had our first Calc test today, and I got totally ass raped by it. It sucked MAJOR ass…. Every problem but one he you had to use this (f(x + h) – f(x)) / h. Something that looks easy, but I never did understand it. I figured we’d be able to use all these other rules that we’ve been learning about since like the 2nd week. But nope. So yeah, I got the right answer for EVERY problem, but I didn’t do it the way that he wants, so I’ll get 2 of the 6 points for all the problems, which isn’t passing. So that’s NOT good. Rarr!!

But in good news, this is the 6th week of classes… So we’re getting there…

Adam was online today for like 10 seconds, but I was busy with a group project, so I couldn’t talk to him 🙁 He said he’d be on later tonight, but I don’t think I will be. Rarr!

Umm, Redhat 8.0 is SWEET!! I love it. Everything’s so pretty and shit. I just haven’t found the place to change the theme, etc. It’s usually under something called “Look and Feel” but it’s not here anymore. Rarr! But I’m happy with it. Samba STILL doesn’t work, which was the reason that I upgraded, but I’m sure it’s just some stupid thing. (Mental Note: Must find a SAMBA expert)

Also Opera doesn’t work, but I know why. Damn librarys and shit! But Mozilla’s nice.

Anyways, I’m going to study… Or at least attempt too. Laters!!

Redhat 8.0

So tonight it appears that my Linux box will be getting a major work over. I’m downloading Redhat 8.0. I hope that it’s better then 7.3 but doesn’t have all the bugs that the typical even releases have. I remember with 6.0 came out, and there were SOOO many bugs in that one, we had to wait tell 6.1 (which was really nice) came out and then 6.2 came out and boy, that was a pain as well. Then 7.0 came out and it was alright, but TONS of bugs in it as well. Then 7.1 and then 7.3 came out, both very nice, but 7.3 has quite a few bugs in it.

I hope that 8.0 is nice. I’m also going to download Mandrake 9.0 and Suse 8.0 once I find ISO’s of Suse… I’ve got a good place for the Mandrake ones. (Which I’ll start downloading tonight at work)

So yeah, not much else has been going on. I was expecting Adam to call me yesterday, but he never did. Oh well… Hopefully I’ll get a call from him today. But we’ll see.

Anyways, I have alot of work to do. So I’m out!

that’s like 14 years of being pregnant

GRRRRR…. I am maddened. So things in Publications were semi-ok. I need to be more creative on creating the paper, which doesn’t really work out, because I am not too creative. I did ask Jenny to help me out at times though, and she said ok. So today we sorta talked, but not really. And I guess she told Skinny about what’s happening between us, which makes me mad because like 2 days ago, she was saying how she was done with Skinny and blah blah blah. So he calls me and is like “you need to talk to jenny.” I was like “excuse me? How do you know what’s going on? I don’t even know what’s going on.” So grr. Then, surprise surprise, her and Ginny ran off to the bathroom AGAIN! It made me so fuckin mad today, I almost stopped and said something. And yet AGAIN, I was not said bye to. I had to say it first, and then I got it back, pretty bitchily. They couldn’t even turn around and say it. What the hell did I fucking do to deserve this? I’m sick of it, it’s bullshit. I am just tired of being this clueless person, who has no idea what is going on with his friends, who just has to deal with them being nasty to him. I doubt that’s what friends are supposed to do. And Ginny didn’t ask if I was going to Youth Group tonight, so I guess I’m not going unless she calls me. Though I’m sure if Jenny is going, I won’t get an invite. *sigh* Why is life so godamn hard?

I thought about David last night. Can’t say it was the best thoughts to have. It really makes me frustrated that so many things remind me of him… Here are a few:
Brandy (especially song #14)
Avril Lavigne
Phantom of the Opera
The Golden Girls
The GAP
Prom
Drag shows
Java’s
“Eveything’s Eventual”
My “sherpa” jacket
My jeans, polo, and collared shirt he bought me
“It’s hot up in this bitch”
“Standing Still”
Song 3 on Mates of State
Enrique Iglesias
Court
Drinking
Messy hair
Silver rings/earrings, etc..
Sassyness/Bitchyness
Galants
Janet Jackson
Aalyiah (sp?)
Misery
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
Saylorville
That country song “and I’m thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain”
My straw necklace
Tongue rings
Hip bones
Practically everything I see/own…
*sigh* There are so many more. Why did he have to call me? I miss him….. I’m so pathetic. I was telling Emily about it today and she said I need to drop him and that he can’t just play me while he’s with Nate. Except he isn’t really playing me, because he isn’t indicating that he still cares for me. Although I’ll be the first to admit that the phone call said a lot to me. I honestly expected to never hear from him again. I doubt he even knows what he is doing. Everyone always does so much to me without even knowing it! I’ve contemplated writing him a letter to let him know how I feel. But I fear he would dismiss me as another “clint”, so to speak, and that is the last thing I want to be. I want to be remembered as a good boyfriend. Not just good.. the best. Because I was the best. Even now, I don’t think David could honestly say that someone has treated him better than I did. I was the one who drove to his house every day after school, I’m the one who always brought him flowers, I’m the one who went crazy finding stuff for his Open House the day of, I’m the one who bought him tickets to Phantom of the Opera, I’m the one who made him cards and a box, I’m the one who held him and who made everything better, I’m the one he could always turn to, I’m the one who his family loved, I’m the one who made him dinner, I’m the one who would and did drop everything for him, I’m the one who gave my all to make him happy, I’m the one who loved him…. I’m the one who will always love him………..I’m the one who hates myself for feeling this way…..this sucks..
How can it be that I still feel this way? It’s been over 3 months! I know what it is. We cannot deny what happened before he left for college. I know it wasn’t about the physical stuff, I know it wasn’t a “heat of the moment” thing. There was too much surrounding it…way too much. I could even tell that whole day that nothing had felt changed at all. And I know he didn’t want it to be changed. He kept calling me “honey” and touching my arm or back like he used to do at his house. What we have is undeniable. It’s true, it’s pure. It’s not over. It can’t be… and at the same time, it has to be. Why doesn’t this make sense? David, how do you feel? Do you love me still…?