E-Mail To Beak.

Well I’m glad you found someone to go out with…. Is today the day? Or tomorrow? Hope you have a good time… Where’d you meet him? Etc… All those other Grandma like questions….

Speaking of dating though, it things don’t change really quick I’ll be back on that scene too. Things lately have just really been going downhill with Adam. Every little thing he does annoys me, he won’t shut up about “Our Future.” Which is just really annoying because I’ve told him NUMBEROUS times that I’m not ready for that. I mean, he’s my only bf I’ve EVER had. And I just want to see what else is out there. How do I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him if I don’t know what the rest of the guys in the world are like. Even one or two others.

He’s always saying things like “If someone took everything away from me, and all I had left was you, I’d still be happy.” But I don’t feel the same way, and I just don’t know how to tell him that. Or if I should tell him that. I mean, what do you really say to something like that.

My world right now is so messed up. There’s this other boi, or friend Andrew, who is practically in love with me. I know he is, and so does Adam. However Adam’s been sooooooooooo overly posessive about everything and jealous about ANY time that I spend with him. He has a right to be somewhat jealous, but he’s just taking it WAY to far! I don’t really know how to explain it. In short, he’s just REALLY pissing me off!

Another thing that happened… And we’ll make a LONG LONG story short is that I made out with this other boi (Adam was there, he did the same). Now when I kiss Adam, and we do stuff (I’ll leave out the gory details, just to be nice) it’s not the same. In fact, it’s HORRIBLE compared to kissing Andrew. I just think that it would be so much better with him, and to leave Adam behind.

But again, I don’t want to end a 15 month relationship over something that I don’t know if it’ll last. I can’t decide if I want to stay in a bad relationship, or to dump him (and throw away the 15 months) and take the chance of being single again.

Andrew goes to Cali in August for school. We were talking the other night about if a relationship between us would work, when I brought up that he was moving in a short time, he said, in a very serious tone “You can come with me, and finish school there.”

It was very touching, really.

I just don’t know what too do.

I’ll stop bitching at you now…

Laters,

Cj B

Man, it’s HOT!

So this weekend has been TONS of fun.

Friday I got up and hung out around here tell my mom got here. We went off to the dentist, where I got sick upon hearing the procedure. It wasn’t pretty.

After that I changed real quick into my UBER SEXY outfit (Black pants, orange shirt… Rarr. I’d do me!). Then I went off and met up with Andrew at VWM. We shopped and had a good time. From there we went downtown and hung out.

Adam showed up about 10ish or so, and we stayed tell 11. After that Adam and I went back to my house, talked about things. And then went to bed.

Saturday we went out and did stuff tell Andrew got off. Then we all hung out all night. We highlighted our hair, and did other stuff, we all look VERY cute now!

Stayed out tell like 12:30 or so. Not that late of a night really, but I was DEAD tired. Scott and Sheila were downtown and that was amusing. Other hot bois throughout the night too!

I used Funky Chunky (sp?) on my hair, and like I tend to do. I checked the ingredients. The second one was something called “dimethylaminoethylmethacrylate copolymer” and being who am I. I was curious as to what exactly it was. So I went and looked it up. It’s the same stuff they use in InkJet Printers to adhear the ink to the paper. Very interesting.

Today we got up, my contacts got all fucked up so Adam had to drive me to my house so I could get my glasses. Got those then called Andrew.

Met up with him about 1ish or so and we went to Saylorville and walked around and talked. Good times.

Went back to my house, talked some more, went to Adam’s house, talked some more. Good times really. Rather boring, but still good.

Came back home about 5ish, then went out for a bike ride cause it was so damn nice out! Rode about 8 miles or so. I really need to get a thingy that tells me exactly how far I’ve gone.

I wish that I lived on the 3rd or 4th floor. Since I ride my bike everywhere during the summer, and there’s no bike racks around here I carry my bike up stairs and down the stairs and by the time the summers over, I’d be THIN (from riding), big arms (from carrying the bike), a nice ass (from climbing the stairs). And other things. I’d be so hot!

Anyways, I’m out now! Laters!

Hanging Out

So random shit yeah….

Hanging out with Adam and Chris tonight was fun… but the problem is, I just want to be with Chris so bad and I feel I make it pretty obvious.
But sometimes… when we are driving and he looks at me through the rear view mirror, or when we are just looking at each other while others talk. Do I really see it? Do I really feel it when he hugs me? Or do I just tell myself that I do so that I don’t feel like such a dumbshit…?
Who the hell knows?
This is so stupid… I get so upset for no freaking reason… I mean, obviously I CAN’T be with Chris…
I don’t know why I just won’t accept it and move on. Best friend and love interest all at once isn’t a good combination.
It’s so frustrating! Grrr…. I just wanna disappear sometimes! Or just have freaking August get here so I can just go away and not deal with it…
Here I am, again, sitting home by myself, with no one to care for me and nothing to show….
Whatever…grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Who needs boys anyway….? Not me, apparently…
Oh well

Damn, this sucks.
Current mood: depressed
Current music: faye wong “eyes on me”

Oh God

4:57PM – oh god…

So last night I did a very bad thing.
Chris wanted tot alk and hang out, he had wanted to talk last weekend about the events that went on, but we never got a chance to be alone so it never happened.
Well, I went up to Ames last night. I spent the night there.
Chris let me read the private entry he had written about what happened. It detailed the night and talked about how he felt bad for me and wanted so badly for me to bein the middle so I wouldn’t feel so bad. It talked about how he was holding my hand….. he said that my hands were so soft and gentle, not like Adam’s at all. He also said that sometimes he feels for me more than he feels for Adam. I read it all and almost had tears in my house. He then told methat he wanted to tell me that he truly cares about me.
This escalated into a talk about my feelings and shit. I told him that I have really strong feelings for him. He said that the feeligs were reciprocated….
I asked if he felt anything when we kissed (thats anothr thing,he wrote about how intimate kissing is, and how when I came close to him it was like a magnet, and he couldn’t stop). He told me that when we kissed, it was heaven, and he couldn’t imagine anything better. I didn’t know what to say…. I was a bit overwhelmed. I never dreamed that the feelings would ever be returned.
He said that he’s had a really hard time lately b/c of his feelings for me, and has contemplated breaking up with Adam. He said that if I wasn’t going to Chapman, he would have a very very tough decision to make. I was reallly touched, but still felt bad…like here is this great guy, telling me how much he likes me, I’m telling him how much I like him, and yet nothing can happen.
He said that I was pretty much the only person he likes to hang out with one-on-one. He said he doesn’t even like Adam very much one on one and that he was happy I wanted to take the time to know him and realize that him and Adam were two seperate people. He said Adam is only holding on to their relationship by a thread.
We were holding hands again.
I told him all about how when we were looking at each other, I thought I saw that something in his eye, the *something* that said that he feltthe same way I did as we held hands after the whole ordeal. He told me that I didn’t see it just that one time, that I saw it everytime and that he felt exactly the way that I did.
I want to be with him so bad.
We kinda just curled up together, holding each other.

We kissed.
I’m almost tearing up as I write this…. I don’t know how it happened, I’m not even sure who made the first move. But we kissed.
He asked if Adam had sent me to see if he would cheat on him. I laughed…
And we kissed.
I hate it… I hate that I allowed myself to do this.. to me, to Chris, and to Adam. But I felt so *right* with Chris, I can’t explain it.
I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I felt a real connection with him and everytime I realized that I couldn’t actually have him, I would just hold him closer. I just didn’t want to let go.
We spent the entire night in each other’s arms. Rotating positions every now and then… it was so nice…. so very nice. I told him he was beautiful…. He is such a great guy.
How did I get myself into this predicament?
We also kept sporadically kissing during the night, but it wasn’t like with any sexual intent. I just loved it… it was sweet and sensual…. like there were actual feelings behind it, not just wanting sex. It was just so wonderful, so wonderful to kiss him, so wonderful to have him hold me, and so nice to hold him.
I thought for sure that he just didn’t want to do this… but he did…. he assure me.
I told him that I just needed to know if the feelings were reciprocated. He said that everything I felt, he felt.
It was such a great feeling tohave someone tell me that.
The next morning, it almost seemed like he immediately regretted everything. I don’t know, it was probably just me making stuff up.
When we said goodbye, he kissed me again…so sweet, so caring…*sigh*
At lunch, KT, Rach, and Court just wouldn’ shut up about how immoral I am, and how horribly wrong it is that Adam doesn’t know….
But it didn’t feel wrong at all to me.
It felt so right.
Nevertheless, they made me feel like shit.
Well, I have to go meet Chris at the mall….. just the two of us time again. Yay! But first I have to call and pay the rest of the balance on the cruise… so yay to that too I guess….

Gosh, I really do like him…… how did this happen….?
Current mood: crushed
Current music: tamia–theres a stranger in my house

A Night With Andrew

After last weekend Andrew and I needed to talk. I wanted to make sure that he was alright and that the feelings were all good on both sides.

Last night we got that chance to talk and it was very nice. He got here about 8 and we just talked until like 9ish or so. Finally I told him to sit down and I showed him the private entry that I had written on Monday.

He read though it and I sat on the bed. Onc e he was done, he turned around and we talked about lots of stuff, about what happened, about our feelings for each other and all kinds of stuff.

He said that he had strong feelings and I said that they were reciprocated. We both bitched about Adam and how bad of a bf he is and that he expects me to drop whatever I’m doing when he up and calls. Etc.

I told Andrew that if he weren’t going to Chapman in the fall I would have to be making a VERY hard decission about weather I want to dump Adam and persue a relationship with him. He said �You can come to Chapman with me.� That meant so much to me. But there’s no way that would work. I coulnd’t transfer again my Senior year. There’s just no way.

We spent the night hugging, embracing, kissing, carassing. I wanted to make out with him so bad. I really did. But I can’t I’m still with Adam and that would be wrong of me to do that to him.

We got VERY little sleep cause we both kept moving around and stuff.

Throughout the night he would keep saying �oh chris� and the like stuff. It was the nicest night I’ve had in a VERY long time. Probably since before Adam and I got back together.

There’s so much on my mind right now. I have more fun with Andrew then I do Adam. I just don’t feel that right now I can throw away a year and a half of a relationship for something that’ll probably have to end once he goes to Cali.

I’m sure he’ll find someone that he loves just as much if not more once he gets there.

I told him that and he said �Yeah, but it won’t be the person that I want to be with.�

I love that boi dearly. Why couldn’t I have met him when Adam and I were broken up. Things would have turned out much different.

Love,

Cj B