Letter #2 To Beak

ver last summer, Adam and I met a WHOLE bunch of new people, one person

included… Andrew. Ever since I’ve met him, I’ve had sort of a thing

for him. Nothings every happened between him and I, but we’ve always

known of the others feelings. Well, lately things between Adam and I

have been on the rocks. He doesn’t seem to see it, but I just don’t feel

the same way that I used to. Every little thing that he does annoys the

hell out of me, he’s graduating this spring, and he’s YET to apply to

ANY colleges, he doesn’t have any money because he hasn’t applied for

ANY finacial Aide, he’s been out of a job forever, and now that he has

his old one back at Chili’s all he does is bitch about it. He’s just

very irresponsible, and I can’t handle that.

This last week whilst I was on drugs from my teeth being ripped out of

my head, I went back and read all my old journal entries from when we

were broken up, to shortly after we got back together. And I spent a lot

of time thinking this last week about where I want our relationship to

go.

I realized that I’m not at all happy in our relationship. Mostly because

the feelings for him aren’t there anymore. I still like hanging out with

him, etc. But I just don’t love him anymore, I don’t enjoy having sex

with him, or making out with him, or any of that anymore either. (Sorry

if that’s too much info :-p)

Lately we’ve also been doing a lot of fighting, about really stupid

shit. But I won’t really go into that.

Anyways, long story short. I think that it’s time to end my relationship

with Adam…. However there’s a few problems with this…

1) Andrew… Everyone’s going to think that I’m breaking up with Adam

because I want to get with Andrew, and that’s not at all the reason. In

fact, Andrew and I have even sat down and talked about a possible

realationship between us. We both REALLY like each other, but since he’s

moving to Cali in August we know it’s not going to work out, so there’s

no point in trying it, having it fail and then loose a REALLY good

friend.

2) Friends… Right now we both have the SAME friends, neither of us

have friends that aren’t friends with the other. I don’t want to have to

put our friends into a posistion where they have to choose who to hang

out with on the weekends. I’d like to stay friends with Adam once things

are over, but I just don’t know how to do that.

3) Prom… Is coming up soon, as in 1.5 weeks. (Apr 5th). I want to end

our relationship as soon as possible, but I don’t want to leave him

without a date RIGHT before his senior prom. I’d like to end it, and

still go with him, but I don’t think that’d happen. So it’s just a bad

timing things.

4) Ring… Stupid me gave him my senior class ring ($400 value). I don’t

mean to sound mean here, but I want it back!!

5) 16 long months… It’s been 16 long months since I’ve been single, I

know I was single for 19 years before that, but I’m afraid to be single

again. I don’t want to throw those 16 months away. But at the same time,

I feel that… How do I know he’s the ONE for me if I’ve never tasted

any other fruit.

Well to be honest, I have tasted other fruit (no, it wasn’t cheating,

Adam knew, in fact he started it. But that’s another LONG LONG story

that I don’t really want to get into), and I liked that MUCH better then

what I have, am I just being selfish?

I know that 16 months, and being unhappy is a drop in the bucket when

you look at the whole picture of your life. So I don’t really think

that’s that big of a deal, but it’s still there.

I’ve given so much in this relationship, and gotten very little in

return. I spend so much time listening to his stories about bonsia,

going to his meetings for them, and so much other stuff. But as soon as

I start talking about what I’m doing in classes, or my job, or anything

else. He just inturupts and changes the subject. He does it so much that

MANY other people have seen it and they’ve even talked to me about it

and how much it annoys me.

There’s just so many little things that are going on that I can’t really

go into here. But I just need help….

How, When, Where, etc. I’ve never had to do this before, and I’ve only

been dumped once before. I just don’t know how to do it, or if I should.

Anyways, that’s mostly what’s up,

Cj B

The Breakup Letter

Dear Adam,

As I’ve been reading though my old journal entries lately, and remember all the good times that we’ve had together. I’ve been thinking about us and where I want to go in our relationship. It’s brought a lot of issues to my mind, some good, some bad. But in the end I have to make a decision about where I want us to go. I’ve spent a large part of the last couple weeks thinking of just that, and I’ve come to my conclusion. I’m sorry Adam, but I think it’s time that we ended our relationship.

I’m sorry to have to do it. But after reading through everything that we’ve done, it’s made me realize that I don’t feel the same way I used to. I’ve changed, you’ve changed, we’ve changed. You’ve grown closer, and I farther, and I know that now it’s time to move on. I really enjoyed our 16 months together, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. You’ve helped me grow as a person, and I hope that I’ve helped you grow too.

I’m sorry, I’d like to still try and be friends. I’d like to keep the three of us (Andrew, you and me) as a group. If you want to talk, I’m here to talk to, Andrew’s here to talk too, Scott’s here to talk to.

With Love,

Chris

“Time takes everything but memories.” In time the pain and loss will be gone but the memories will still be there, and that’s what’s important.

go go go go shorty its your birthday

Not much to update about, but I’m bored and everyone has already gone to bed *AHEM* Chris and Adam! Loser pants can’t even stay up to talk to me! Bah!
So today I woke up feeling a bit better, and stupid for writing that last entry… I’d delete it, but that takes too much work. Anyways.
School was so freaking stupid. In Publications, we didn’t have the computers working, so we just sat around and talked for most of the period. Towards the end I had to fix someone’s layout (after the comps were fixed, of course) which just bothers me. It’s like “Don’t take the class, leave at term, and expect everyone else to pick up your shit.” I think that people who quit early should have to at leats finish the layout they were working on instead of making the rest of the class do it.
Grr.
Then in English, oh My. We just sat there… she gave us grade sheets and I had a 156 out of 200 on my Hamlet paper on my grade sheet, and that totally shot my day. Well, then she hands back the actual paper and I have a 190 out of 200, with all these comments about how my thoroughness and thoughtfulness overrid all the grammar errors. lol. I was like “Yeah so this is wrong.” She changed it and itbrought my grade up 2.4 percent to a 97.4…. and guess what? That’s still .6 away from an A+! Oh well, who gives a fuck anyways?
THen we just sat and did random shit! I hate English! AND she guilted me into taking the AP Test. I really didn’t want to, but then she stopped me and was like “YOu are taking the AP Test, right? I know you’ll get a 5 and do so well.” And I couldn’t say no. I was like “yeah of course I’m taking it.” *Sigh* It really isn’t a big deal I guess. Stupid english, stupid school.
After school, Jenny and I went to work out. That was fun I guess. For some reason, doing the elliptical machine for half an hour didn’t seem bad at all today. It was actually somewhat fun. Then I actually did my situps at the Y. I think I will continue to do them there, because it wasn’t very crowded and usually when I do them at home, by time I get here, I’m too tired to actually want to do them. Now I can get it all done at the Y, then just come home and shower.
Work was ok, though I had to stay until 7:20 b/c some stupid man was an idiot. I explained like 5097829348723948 times that we were UTA, but he just didn’t care. He had called in before and we had told him the same thing, but I guess he doesn’t like to listen. Julia, Claudia, and I were the only people there. I was so annoyed, but at least I got paid for that extra 20 minutes. And after missing 3 days, I really need it.
I told Mother about my ticket b/c the Insurance company called and she asked if I had anything to tell her. So yeah… that wasn’t so good. I totally forgot that I was on probation for a year….. Uh oh… basically Mother says that I’ll lose my license. This escalated into a huge fight where she told me that I’ll be this horrible inconvience to her blah blah blah worst son blah blah how can I be so smart and do such dumb things blah blah. I was like fuck off. The point is, if I do get my license taken away it’s gonna SUCK! Like really horribly. My mom said that if it does happen, shes gonna go to court and plead with them to just let me use it for school and work but nothing else. So then I have to inconvience all my friends…. oh gosh, I’m having flashbacks to LAST summer when I had no license! Why don’t I ever have a license?? ::cries:: This is terrible… why the fuck am I such a speed demon? ::cries some more:: This summer’s gonna SUCK ASS if I don’t have a license…

*Sigh*
Well I WAS having a better day. Now I’m feeling just bleh. Yeah so I’m totally done with that. Three times was enough, I’ve struck out, and now I’m done. Don’t try to guess what it is, because you won’t.
School tomorrow… ugh.
I’m missing something… I finally figured it out while showering for the 2nd time… I’m unfulfilled. I don’t know what it will take to fulfill me… but I really feel like I’m missing something.. Eh.
BREAK!

Andrew’s Privates!

21:58:21 squall0112: perhaps ill just copy and past you key parts
21:58:29 squall0112: its not like its anything you dont already know i dont think
21:58:29 blackc2004: lol
21:59:28 squall0112: So the events of Thursday night seem like a dream, it seems like maybe they’ve been forgotten too….
*sigh*
And such is life.

22:00:05 blackc2004: They haven’t been forgotten!
22:00:32 squall0112: i wrote that last sunday
22:00:41 squall0112: i thought you wanted to forget…
22:00:55 blackc2004: Well no matter when you wrote it…. They haven’t been… And I don’t want to!
22:00:59 blackc2004: Just so you know!
22:01:09 squall0112: ok
22:01:56 squall0112: wait i have more… lol
22:02:07 blackc2004: Ok
22:02:18 squall0112: Hanging out with Adam and Chris tonight was fun… but the problem is, I just want to be with Chris so bad and I feel I make it pretty obvious

22:02:25 squall0112: But sometimes… when we are driving and he looks at me through the rear view mirror, or when we are just looking at each other while others talk. Do I really see it? Do I really feel it when he hugs me? Or do I just tell myself that I do so that I don’t feel like such a dumbshit…?

22:02:50 squall0112: This is so stupid… I get so upset for no freaking reason… I mean, obviously I CAN’T be with Chris…
I don’t know why I just won’t accept it and move on. I just like him too much.

22:03:01 squall0112: Here I am, again, sitting home by myself, with no one to care for me and nothing to show….
Whatever…grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Who needs boys anyway….? Not me, apparently…
Oh well

Damn, this sucks.

22:03:06 blackc2004: You’re not telling yourself that.
22:03:16 blackc2004: Everyone needs bois!
22:03:20 blackc2004: GASP!
22:03:39 squall0112: what are you gasping about?
22:03:51 blackc2004: How dare you even things about giving up bois!
22:03:52 blackc2004: lol
22:04:10 squall0112: eh
22:04:29 blackc2004: And you have a reason to be upset.
22:04:39 blackc2004: But everything will be alright sometime!
22:05:21 squall0112: eh
22:05:32 squall0112: I hate it… I hate that I allowed myself to do this.. to me, to Chris, and to Adam. But I felt so *right* with Chris, I can’t explain it.

22:05:46 squall0112: I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I felt a real connection with him and everytime I realized that I couldn’t actually have him, I would just hold him closer. I just didn’t want to let go.

22:06:15 squall0112: It was just so wonderful, so wonderful to kiss him, so wonderful to have him hold me, and so nice to hold him.

22:07:04 blackc2004: ::wipes tears::
22:07:52 squall0112: im sorry
22:07:57 squall0112: i probably shouldnt of showed you that
22:08:13 blackc2004: It was VERY wonderful though, I just wish I could to more to make things better for you!
22:08:51 blackc2004: It’s fine! It’s very touching… Really it is.
22:09:09 blackc2004: And so true as well.
22:09:11 squall0112: it would be better if i could be with you……….. and per our previous discussions, it just isnt going to happen……..
22:11:04 blackc2004: http://www.cjbonline.org/poems/whatididntwant.php (I think that’s a good poem… I just hope it’s not too depressing)
22:12:26 squall0112: that is good…
22:13:39 blackc2004: Things will be good eventually…
22:13:51 squall0112: do you really think so?
22:13:52 blackc2004: What’s supposed to work out, always seems to work out.
22:14:28 squall0112: i guess
22:14:31 blackc2004: Yes, I do think so!
22:14:53 squall0112: well i just hope everything works out the way i want it to ..
22:15:05 squall0112: as selfish as that may sound
22:15:37 blackc2004: The greatest amount of happiness for the greatest amount of people…. Crazy Philosophy people!
22:16:41 squall0112: maybe we need to get more people involved in this to make that work
22:16:46 blackc2004: 22:13:43 acersai: I like how there’s no longer a YOU or and I in I love you…
22:14:00 blackc2004: lol
22:14:04 acersai: It’s been condenced into just LOVE…not love for me…just LOVE in general.
22:14:48 acersai: You should be able to paint in on billboards and sky write it.
22:16:51 blackc2004: If only he knew.
22:16:55 blackc2004: Yeah, perhaps we should!
22:17:14 blackc2004: Well we could Add scott in, that’d be another happy person when Adam and I break it up.
22:17:20 squall0112: i almost pity him…
22:17:38 squall0112: yeahlol
22:17:40 blackc2004: lol
22:18:12 blackc2004: I’m sure Dustin would be happier, cause we’d be better friends? Ummm…. I’m sure there’s more!
22:18:13 blackc2004: lol
22:18:18 squall0112: lol
22:18:27 squall0112: i feel terrible saying id be happier if you guys broke up, i really do
22:18:32 squall0112: but its my honest feeling
22:18:42 squall0112: in all honesty im a bit sick of being UNhappy
22:18:47 blackc2004: I know, and that’s alright to feel.
22:18:57 blackc2004: Everyone’s got to think of themselves sometimes.
22:19:13 blackc2004: And when it comes to your own happieness… You have to think of yourself all the time!
22:19:15 blackc2004: lol
22:19:30 squall0112: that sounds like something ive been telling you!!
22:19:33 blackc2004: lol
22:19:48 blackc2004: Don’t you love it when people twist your own words back on you!
22:19:49 blackc2004: lol
22:20:13 blackc2004: But you see… I rarley ever think of my own happiness. I think that’s my problem.
22:20:14 blackc2004: lol
22:20:37 squall0112: well i think you should start
22:20:45 blackc2004: I’m more all about the “What’ll make my life easier”
22:20:45 blackc2004: lol
22:20:47 squall0112: decide to youself “what is best for ME?”
22:21:08 squall0112: lol well that could work too… but happiness and easyality (is that a word) dont always go together
22:21:17 blackc2004: True.
22:21:39 squall0112: youre gonna break many a heart mr. black
22:21:47 squall0112: so you better grow those balls soon
22:21:48 blackc2004: But I don’t WANNA! ::whines::
22:22:05 squall0112: the best guys break the most hearts
22:22:09 blackc2004: lol
22:23:12 squall0112: i finished my update but its not really worth reading
22:23:19 squall0112: i just randomly wrtoe
22:23:28 blackc2004: I hate relationships… I’ll just be single my whole like and take home randoms… LIke Brian from QaF.
22:23:40 blackc2004: Anything you write is worth reading!
22:23:41 blackc2004: lol
22:23:51 squall0112: i think right now i am brian lol
22:23:54 squall0112: wheres my michael???
22:24:00 blackc2004: lol
22:24:47 blackc2004: Awwww. I’m sorry… ::there there::; (With head bobbing motions)
22:24:48 blackc2004: lol
22:25:01 squall0112: thanks lol
22:25:25 squall0112: ill be fine
22:25:34 squall0112: though another sleepover i feel wont help the situation lol
22:25:38 blackc2004: lol
22:25:42 blackc2004: You’re telling me…
22:25:47 blackc2004: But I guess we’re having one!
22:25:52 blackc2004: This weekend!
22:26:02 squall0112: adam was like “im going to work from 530 till like 11 so you and chris can just hang out at my house the whole time”
22:26:07 squall0112: i was like ‘uhhhh ok…’
22:26:30 squall0112: and he was like “dont do anything bad lol” and i was like “heh… heh… yah……”
22:26:35 blackc2004: lol
22:26:43 blackc2004: I bet that’s not EXACTLY how it went!
22:27:20 squall0112: nah i just said lol
22:27:24 squall0112: and then i said “quit it”

PASS VETO

So this weekend has been pretty damn good.

Friday Adam and I did shit cause Andrew was at Cho… Very exciting for him I’m sure.

I think it consisted of us sitting around doing pretty much nothing, perhaps TV, food, and some other things. I can’t really remember cause I was dopped (Is that how it’s spelled) up pretty good.

Saturday we waited around and did some more randomness tell Andrew and Dustin got back about 6ish or so. They met us at Adam’s house, and then we drove to Dustin’s cause Rob was being Queenie McImAHapppyPants. Watched the movie from the trip, talked and got all caught up about the happenings of the last couple days. I really wished that I would have gone, although I’m sure they would have been really pissed with my whinning by the time we got back. lol

BTW, teeth are doing much better. The after-pain wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. So that’s good. Although I was pretty high the whole time. So that’s also good! And the tooth fairy never came as my mom promised. Stupid bitch. I’ll never again believe in such things! My heart is broken! Get the stiches out Tuesday.

After the movie, went downtown and talked some more.. Good times again. it was a bit chilly cause I wore shorts. Stupid me. Oh well!

Met up with some boi that Dustin knows. He was amusing. I was very tired, so didn’t say much. went home shortly after that, left Andrew a few more messages whilst I shoved my face with yummy food. I shouldn’t have eaten it though cause it’s fattening and made my teeth hurt some. I took more drugs and went to bed. Dead cold. (I mean out cold.)

Today was good, washed and cleaned car. Went to Adam’s met up with Andrew, met the nieghbors doggy. Played loud gay music. Adam went to work about 3.

Andrew and I went to VW to exchange his shorts, then to Hy-Vee to get pics and food. Ended up sitting there for like 2 hours talking about random shit. Although we did get alot talked about it and was nice to just talk to him. He’s a very smart person.

I haven’t moved the mouse in over 35 minutes… I’ve just been using the keyboard. I’m an Uber Geek!

OH! Andrew got me the CUTEST present while he was in MN….. YOU GUESSED IT! A “P” and “V” stap!

So now you know that if you see someone walking around with a “P” or “V” on their forhead, you know that I’ve either PASSED them more VETOED them. Good times.

Anyways, came back to Ames around 6ish… watched trading spaces. I can’t wait tell I can buy my own place and decorate it all the way that I want too! It’ll be sooooooooooooooooooooooooo PRETTY!