Constructive

Todays’ been a very productive day…. Let’s hope that the last few hours continue to be as such.

Got up early this morning, after talking to Andrew on the phone late last night. I still haven’t written that private update, and I don’t think I will either. The issue isn’t pressing enough. Perhaps if the theoretical happens then I’ll write that update about the situation. But I hope/think that it won’t.

I really didn’t want to get out of bed. I had a bad feeling about today, mostly because it’s Friday, and well. Friday’s have been sucking for me lately. I wish that I could skip weekends all together for the next couple months. But we all know that won’t happen.

There was an IM from gap boy saying that he was sorry he didn’t call. But that he had had one of “those” days. I told him no biggie and that I too had had one of “those” days and he probably wouldn’t have wanted to hang out with me last night anyways. Perhaps we’ll make a date again.

Anyways, sat around the house for a while, cause I REALLY didn’t want to ride my bike to campus cause it was fucking COLD out this morning. So I put on some my PJ’s cause they fit over my work out shorts and are really big, so I didn’t have to take off my shoes. Then rode to campus.

I’m really going to have to find something warmer to wear once it gets even colder. Hopefully that won’t be for a while.

Got to the gym, did 30 minutes on the bike and supposedly burned 250 calories. Then did 2 laps around the track, and then sit ups.

After that I took a bit of a break while I ran downstairs and checked in with my Prof. Then went back upstairs, and worked out my arms/chest/legs/everything. So that felt good.

Broke from there a bit early because I was done with my workout and then biked home. Changed and came to work.

As soon as I got here, I could tell that it was going to be a busy day. Though who knew how busy.

First we were having some problems with something. I can’t even remember what it was now. But I got it fixed before the staff meeting. Went to that and we talked, for ever.

Got out of there, and we hooked up the Dell Poweredge which has been sitting idle for more then a month since we got it. It sounds litteraly like a fucking jet plane taking off. It’s so loud. Now, granted we knew it would be loud, but who knew so loud. We think there’s a problem with the sensors, and the fans are spinning at a constant 10,000RPM as opposed to the 7,000 that they should be spinning at. So I spent a large part of the day sitting on the floor next to it, trying to get an OS to install. I finally did, after I found all three Redhat CD’s. Got that installed and then went to install the OpenManager software from dell. Only to find out that it doesn’t yet work in Redhat 9. Fuckers.

So I gave up on that project, though only because I ran out of time to do it.

Shelly’s G5 came in today too. Which was a BIG surprise for me because when I checked this morning, it was still in KC! Anyways, I HAD to play with that. And it’s so sexy. I want to take it him and lay with it in bed. Though, I don’t think it would compare at all to the cuddly Drew Bear that I’ve had previously. But it would at least make me semi-happier. It’s so cute!

Anyways, after that was done, I got a nice mailing list set up for the ASC workshop. Which is exciting. We had been semi-confused as to how to accept mail ONLY for asc, and not for everything else (There’s more to the story, but can’t relay due to reasons). Anyways, I got that set up after a while. And then found out that I was missing a fucking “:” in a setup file. So that was annoying at least.

You would think that Sendmail would have the same syntax between files that do practially the same things, but nope. One file uses a “:” as a seperator, and the other uses a TAB. Who knew.

And well, that’s been my day so far. Hopefully tonight will consist of something. Since I have to go back to DM I thought that I may hang out at JJ’s and study, but at the same time, I don’t want to go out tonight at all. I just want to sit at home and be mad at Andrew for geting to randomly go to Vegas and come up with evil things that I’m sure he’s doing so that I can get madder at him.

Then when he calls and I’ve been sitting at home all night coming up with these evil things I can be pissy at him and then cause problems…

So in other words.. perhaps I should go out to keep my mind occupied to not come up with mean things. Though I really hope that he doesn’t get the tatoo that he was talking about getting. I really wanted to get the next tattoo that he gets with him, so that I can get one too. He did indicate that he wanted to more get his ears peirced again though. So that’s cute. Also mentioned about his tounge. But he’d have to take that out at T-day and christmas. So that wouldn’t be feasible.

Speaking of. I’ve finished Nickel And Dimed. I don’t remmeber if I mentioned that yesterday or not. But I did. And I’m very scared and REALLY pissed at all the major corporations out there. I Think that everyone should read that book. I’ve now started “White Collar Sweatshop”. I’ve only got the introduction done, which is 25 pages. And so far it seems REALLY good. I also recommend that book to everyone.

I got through those 25 pages in 30 minutes too, which I felt was good for me. Since I’m a fairly slow reader. And that time includes a few minutes here and there of just staring at the hot boys as they run around the track, and also a few minutes of trying to get hoodie under control. :-[

Reading Andrew’s journal lately has really made me wish that I had been around more when things we’re happening. I didn’t realize how many IC trips I missed, and how many fun things I missed by always doing what Adam wanted to do. I also wish that I could get the pics of that day that we plastered Andrew’s chest. I need some new material to stare at when I’m sad.

I’m out, yall.

Laters.

EDIT:// Also forgot to mention that I went and talked to two Faculty today and got recomendation letters from them. That’s exciting. I pick up the one from John on Wed, and I don’t know when Susan will get hers done. She said it’ll be before Oct 15th. But I really want it next week so that I can get this app in as fast as possible.

I had a really nice talk with John today too. It’s always really good when a professor actually REMEMBERS you from a class. He asked me how I was doing, and talked about some of the things that I talked about in my english papers. He also asked me if I liked the class and stuff. Even noticed that I’ve lost a few pounds (About 15 now) since I was in his class. I was really surprised by that, I mean how many of your teachers would NOTICE that you loose weight? Most boyfriends/girlfriends probably wouldn’t even notice.

He also said that he had a very positive memory of me being in his class. So that’s exciting.

Anyhow. I’m really out now. Laters.

Labels

Ok I have some stuff to write about that is confusing/upsetting to me.

So Chris and I were randomly talking online and I forget how it came up, but I said something about when I come and hugging and kissing him. And he said “Do friends kiss?” or something like that. And suddenly I just wanted to cry. That small comment just hurt me so bad, and it sparked a long talk about things, which, I feel, has yet to be completed.

He feels that we need to abide by the “labels” which we have assigned to each other. For instance, right now our label is “friends” so if we are abiding by that, it means we can date whoever we want, do whatever we want, hook up if we so choose. But we both know that isn’t the case. As demonstarted by last weekend. If we truly were just going by the “Friends” label, then he would not of gotten mad and I would not have spent my entire weekend in tears b/c I hurt him so bad.

So the point is we aren’t sticking to our label. I understand what he means, I really do. He is saying that if we are going to say that we are just “friends” then we shouldn’t be kissing/sleeping in the same bed/whatever else. HOWEVER… my feelings are this. I am going to sit here and wait and wish and hope and pray for the fucking four months to be over so that I can see him. And he is going to tell me that once I get there I can’t hug and kiss him? He is going to tell me that if we sleep in the same bed it has to be on opposite sides? It hurts me so much to think we can’t be together. I even told him I would ask him out when I get home if that will make a difference. It wouldn’t be fair. Both of us would be dying to kiss, and aching to sleep holding each other…. and b/c of “labels” he thinks we shouldn’t. I respect his feelings and what he believes. . . but it hurts me so.

We also talked about dating other people. Now there are several issues at hand. I guess my main concern is two things. One is that if I meet someone here who I want to date, I would like to be able to date them. I don’t know how to explain to him that if I dated someone else here, it would not mean that I didn’t care about him. I would still love him. It reminds me of an old Fox Trot cartoon where Peter is thinking about breaking up with Denise in order to date and the Mother tells him “You date to find someone you love. Why leave someone you love so that you can date?” That is right, to an extent. I love Chris, and I don’t want to leave him. But there is another issue at hand as well. Like I have stated in a previous private entry, I’m afraid that he could be “The One.” And if he is, I want to date someone before we commit. I know it makes absolutely no sense. I know I have had relationships before. I know these past relationships have sucked bad and taht I should know by now that Chris treats me greatly. But still…. I can’t make that type of commitment without knowing for sure if he’s the one for me. I don’t want him to move here, us date for awhile, and then me freak out and say “No, I’m not sure I can make this commitment, I need to date someone else” and then have us break up, hate each other, and then possibly ruin everything. Because I know that if we date when he comes here, we will date for a LONG time. I feel it could be so long that it doesn’t end. VERY FUCKING SCARY. So I would rather randomly date someone this year so that once Chris comes I will know for sure that he is the one for me and then while we are dating I won’t have to wonder.

And on the opposite side, of course there is always the possibility that we may not even like each other at all. And in that case, it wouldnt’ matter at all if I dated someone here or not, and it also wouldn’t matter what happens when I see him again. I really just want to know. We always have been saying that not knowing is the worst part of it all.

At this point, I keep going back and forth. Part of me is liek “Fuck it! If you truly love Chris, then wait for him, and then be together and all will be good and you will be happy” and the other part says “No, that’s way too scary, date someone random to make sure that Chris is the one for you and to put all your fears aside, then be with him and then all will be good.”

Another problem is that I’m afraid that if I date someone else, he won’t want to be with me after that. I don’t know why that would be.. but I mean I guess if I date someone else, then he will force himself to get over me and then if I wanted to be with him, he wouldn’t want to be with me.

Oh this is so confusing…. and it will probably impact how good of a time I have in Vegas. In fact, I just got back from Matt’s room and everyone was talking about getting piercings/tattoos while we are there. And I totally want something. I don’t know what.. just something.

Anyways, almost time for bed.

RAIN!

So I thought that since one year ago it was raining, and today it was raining, a duplicate title name was approriate. Eh?

So today has been shit. Very very shit.

Got up at 6 because I couldn’t sleep. Wondered around the house, and thought a lot about Andrew, and christmas break and things. I’ll go into that more later.

Dressed, I was so tired that I just grabbed an outfit and my UCLA hoodie. Headed out to class.

414 went alright, he talked a lot about random things, which wasn’t all that exciting. First test is coming up in there in two weeks I think. Something like that.

From there I grabbed the bus and headed over to Lago. Class there was pretty annoying. First off the ugly annoying boy that’s been sitting next to me sat in the cute homo’s spot, so the cute homo got displaced to somewhere else in the room. Then stupid ugly boy was being very annoying, and kepy correcting the prof. He was all like, “I beleive you are talking about”. And I want to be like, “I beleive no one cares what you’re saying stupid, ugly.”

Perhaps it was just my annoyed state from the earlier thinking and little sleep. Then the stupids on the other side of the room didn’t pass the attendance sheet over to our side, so we all had to wait around after class and sign it. Very annoying there. I guess we also have to do some group project and stupid ugly keeps asking me to be in his group, and I”m like. “NO, LEAVE ME ALONE!” Grr. I just wanted to punch him.. Which you will notice became a common thing throughout the day.

After that I went to Carver and got online for a bit and did some stuff. I e-mailed my english prof and asked him if he would write me a recomendation for the travel abroad thing that I’m applying for. He hasn’t got back to me yet, which is very annoying. I hope he gets back to me soon. I also e-mailed Susan one of my MIS teachers and she and I are meeting tomorrow so that we can get together what I need. So that was good.

I had to pee really bad, so I broke from there, went potty and then went outside. Where it was VERY cold out today. Though I decided to sit on the benches between Carver and Beardsher (sp?). That was a bad idea.

I sat there reading for a long time, but then about noon all the breeders started to float in. With their cute little girlfriends/boyfriends. And they all seemed to want to sit right where I was and be really cute, and kiss and hug and sit next to each other, and eat lunch together. And it was all VERY annoying. I wanted to punch them all.

Couldn’t take that anymore, so I broke from reading my book there and headed over to Kildee for my 12:30 class. Of course on the way there, I swear every breeder couple was out on campus and being all cute and shit. I was very annoyed because I just want my Drew Bear back, so that we can be cute again. And I want another cute gay boy to tell us how cute we are!!

My 12:30 class was really annoying. We have a test on Tuesday and he just reviewed, but he only spent like 20 minutes doing that. And then we all left. I didn’t bring my workout clothes today, so I had like 2, nearly 3 hours to kill before my next class. So I went over to Gilman and sat and read Nickel And Dimed for that time.

Lots more cute breeders and I wanted to just break down and cry the whole time. I eventually pulled out the pic I keep of Andrew in my bag and just sat there and looked at it. I cried a little, but I was in a fairly heavily traveled area of Gilman, so I held most of it back.

It was finally time for my last class of the day, 370, where we have a test on Thurs. That class was interesting. We talked about ethics and stuff. I have to write a thing about where Ethical crosses the line to illegal. So I’m going to do Underage Drinking. because that seems to be on my mind lately.

The cute homo that’s in that class sat right in front of me, and I wanted to talk to him. But someone else came and sat next to him and talked to him. He always sits like one row in front of me, but never talks to /sits next to anyone. And I thought it’d be nice to talk to him. But yeah. Didn’t get too.

Got out of that class and it was raining, which just put me in an even worse mood. It’s COLD and raining and it just means that shit is coming. That horrible shit that is Iowa Winter. Fall starts on Tuesday. I’m excited for fall… Not for winter.

It has been nice though the last couple days to be able to wear my hoodie. So that’s good. But I just want to skip the getting cold thing, leaves falling, halloween and thanksgiving, and christmas, and I just want it to be the day after christmas. And I want it to be that day for a long time.

Anyways. I was supposed to go out with Gap Boy tonight for dinner and I’ve been looking forward/scared of it all day. I rode the bus home, hoping that he’d call, blah blah. Got home, changed because half way through the day, I realized that I looked like shit in what I was wearing. And then sat around all night waiting for stupid Gap Boy to call me.

He never did. Though some other cute boy did call. Thanks Drew 😀

We’ve been talking a lot tonight, and all that’s going to go into a private entry. Nothing bad. Just nothing I want in public view right now. He’s going to call me back tonight at 11, so that we can finish our talk. It’s been interupted like 3 times now, but it’s good so that we can re-coup our thoughts.

Everyone hope that Sue and fam are good. Apparently they are going to be affected by the hurricane. Though on the news it doesn’t look like it should be too bad for them.

Oh, I keep meaning to tell everyone that I now have 40 pairs of underwear! How fun is that! It’s amazing because when I met Andrew, I had like 10 pairs. But now I have 40. I also have drastically increased the number of shirts that I have.

Also, I just remembered (Thanks news 8). Des Moines was name the “hippiest” city in the country… I’d like to know what those people were smoking!! Cause that’s a laugh.

PU’s called this evening as well. I guess I have to go back home this weekend to help out with the garage. I wasn’t planning on going back at all. I want to start decreasing the time that I spend there. I was very annoyed by this though because I already have plans for Saturday, and my mom was just like, “well we could use your help”. And of course I can’t just say “No”. I feel obligated to do it. But on the other hand I really don’t think I should have to help out. But whatever. I guess I shall.

This entry is starting to get very random… Isn’t it? I promise I’m almost done.

I have a pimple on my eye lid… VERY annoying. And it hurts.

I’ve been thinking about the house/condo/loft that I want when I get older. I know exactly how I want to decorate it. Well, ok. I have the basic IDEA of how I want it. I dunno exactly what brought it on, but I have been thinking about it, and I can’t wait to get my own place that I can paint the walls, etc. It’ll be very fun. I am scared though that I won’t be able to do what I want, or something. Like I know it’s going to be a lot of work to get what I want and I think that I can do it. But it is scary, and I want my own place with my husband now.

Well at least I think I do. Though I also think that I’m not anywhere near ready to make that commitment. Lets just say that I want to have money to decorate my apartment the way that I want to. And I want to be able to tear out walls when and where I want.

Ok, I’m done. I swear.

Laters!

PSU?

Ok, so I’ve noticed over the last couple weeks that someone from PSU has been coming to my website a lot…

I was just wondering if that’s you.. DANNY??

Well whoever it is that goes to PSU and comes here, PLEASE IM ME! (blackc2004 on AIM, blackc2004@hotmail.com on MSN)

Very interesting.

Laters all.