Ok I have some stuff to write about that is confusing/upsetting to me.
So Chris and I were randomly talking online and I forget how it came up, but I said something about when I come and hugging and kissing him. And he said “Do friends kiss?” or something like that. And suddenly I just wanted to cry. That small comment just hurt me so bad, and it sparked a long talk about things, which, I feel, has yet to be completed.
He feels that we need to abide by the “labels” which we have assigned to each other. For instance, right now our label is “friends” so if we are abiding by that, it means we can date whoever we want, do whatever we want, hook up if we so choose. But we both know that isn’t the case. As demonstarted by last weekend. If we truly were just going by the “Friends” label, then he would not of gotten mad and I would not have spent my entire weekend in tears b/c I hurt him so bad.
So the point is we aren’t sticking to our label. I understand what he means, I really do. He is saying that if we are going to say that we are just “friends” then we shouldn’t be kissing/sleeping in the same bed/whatever else. HOWEVER… my feelings are this. I am going to sit here and wait and wish and hope and pray for the fucking four months to be over so that I can see him. And he is going to tell me that once I get there I can’t hug and kiss him? He is going to tell me that if we sleep in the same bed it has to be on opposite sides? It hurts me so much to think we can’t be together. I even told him I would ask him out when I get home if that will make a difference. It wouldn’t be fair. Both of us would be dying to kiss, and aching to sleep holding each other…. and b/c of “labels” he thinks we shouldn’t. I respect his feelings and what he believes. . . but it hurts me so.
We also talked about dating other people. Now there are several issues at hand. I guess my main concern is two things. One is that if I meet someone here who I want to date, I would like to be able to date them. I don’t know how to explain to him that if I dated someone else here, it would not mean that I didn’t care about him. I would still love him. It reminds me of an old Fox Trot cartoon where Peter is thinking about breaking up with Denise in order to date and the Mother tells him “You date to find someone you love. Why leave someone you love so that you can date?” That is right, to an extent. I love Chris, and I don’t want to leave him. But there is another issue at hand as well. Like I have stated in a previous private entry, I’m afraid that he could be “The One.” And if he is, I want to date someone before we commit. I know it makes absolutely no sense. I know I have had relationships before. I know these past relationships have sucked bad and taht I should know by now that Chris treats me greatly. But still…. I can’t make that type of commitment without knowing for sure if he’s the one for me. I don’t want him to move here, us date for awhile, and then me freak out and say “No, I’m not sure I can make this commitment, I need to date someone else” and then have us break up, hate each other, and then possibly ruin everything. Because I know that if we date when he comes here, we will date for a LONG time. I feel it could be so long that it doesn’t end. VERY FUCKING SCARY. So I would rather randomly date someone this year so that once Chris comes I will know for sure that he is the one for me and then while we are dating I won’t have to wonder.
And on the opposite side, of course there is always the possibility that we may not even like each other at all. And in that case, it wouldnt’ matter at all if I dated someone here or not, and it also wouldn’t matter what happens when I see him again. I really just want to know. We always have been saying that not knowing is the worst part of it all.
At this point, I keep going back and forth. Part of me is liek “Fuck it! If you truly love Chris, then wait for him, and then be together and all will be good and you will be happy” and the other part says “No, that’s way too scary, date someone random to make sure that Chris is the one for you and to put all your fears aside, then be with him and then all will be good.”
Another problem is that I’m afraid that if I date someone else, he won’t want to be with me after that. I don’t know why that would be.. but I mean I guess if I date someone else, then he will force himself to get over me and then if I wanted to be with him, he wouldn’t want to be with me.
Oh this is so confusing…. and it will probably impact how good of a time I have in Vegas. In fact, I just got back from Matt’s room and everyone was talking about getting piercings/tattoos while we are there. And I totally want something. I don’t know what.. just something.
Anyways, almost time for bed.