Ok, so I’m having a bad night. I miss Topher so bad…. everyone left my room (didn’t ask me to come w/… but that’s another story) and I started listening to sad music… it wasn’t long before the pics came out, and I started crying. I had living like this. I feel isolated here. I feel left out.

But most of all, I feel sad. I’m so tired of feeling sad. I’m so tired of crying several times a week because I can’t bear to not see my Christopher anymore. No one understands.. I miss him so much.

I wish there was some way we could work it out so he could be here next semester.. or right now. I miss you baby….. more than you know.

Off to cry some more.. 🙁

Death Of A Salesman

Have you ever thought about what you would do… If someone close to you. Say your wife/husband of 30 or 40. even 50 or more years was to die suddenly? A freak accident, car crash, sudden heart attack.

How would you react, after the funeral. After the inital pain is gone. What would you do?

Would you go to the grave, every day, week, month. Sit there and talk to him/her. Just as if they were still there, and you were still in your cozzy living room. Chatting with them about their days activities?

Or would you go about your life, mourn them, by crying at night alone in bed, or in your house. Would you go and travel the world, to take your mind off the fact that they were gone?

My MGMT 370 professor brought this up today in class. And it just kinda struck me was odd. What would you do. How do people get through that. I know how hard it is, having someone that I care about, and not being able to see them for weeks at a time. It’s hard, but at least I still get to talk to them. How would one cope with such an enourmous loss?

That person had been there every day of your life for the last who knows how many years. You come to expect them to be there at the end of the day. To have them there in your bed, and in every other aspect of your life. And suddenly they aren’t there anymore.

You become accustomed to a new norm, just as you did when you first married/started dating/got engaged to that person. A new norm. But how hard must it be to have to change and adapt as such a rapid rate.

And by rapid I mean. You’ve got to continue going to work, as there’s only so many days most companies allow you to take off for such things. You’ve got to continue paying your bills, and going on with other things. I could see why so many elderly couples die in such close proximity to each other.

Anyways, sorry for that morbid thinking, but I’ve just been thinking about it today.

Today’s been pretty good really. I haven’t done much but classes and the like. I’ve intaken a total of 800 calories today, which is really low considering I should be taking in about 2,400 according the the mathematical formula that I figured out a while ago.

I think my minimal calorie intake is starting to hinder my performance lately. I’ve been very tired in classes and been having a hard time staying awake. Though also a hard time getting to sleep at night. Perhaps a mix of depression and low calories.

I’m trying to increase the intake lately. This morning I had two breakfast bars instead of my normal one, and then I had another for lunch. Instead of skipping it entirely. For supper I had pasta, which accounted for about half of my intake for today. I’m going to go to sam’s club this weekend and get actual food. That’s what’s been limiting my intake is that I haven’t had any good food in the apartment for a couple weeks. Before that I was eating pretty good if I do say so. Though I am down to 166. I can’t remember if I mentioned that on here or not. So I’m excited about that. Only 6 more pounds to go before I reach my target.

If I intake 2,000 calories per day, as opposed to my 2,400 that I should be intaking. I should loose that 6 pounds in another 6 weeks. (IE, 1 pound a week). So hopefully that’ll be possible. Though with Thanksgiving right in the middle of that. I don’t know if that’ll work out or not. So I’m going to set myself the goal of having it off before Christmas break starts. I should be able to do that.

I’m going to add a thing on the side with my monthly savings account balance and also my monthly (perhaps weekly) weight. Though since my CVS server has been down for a while now. I don’t know when I’ll have a chance to do that.

I was reading my Poli Sci book today and finally figured out who said, “Politics is more complicated then physics”. It was Albert Einstein. You know where I found that answer…. In chapter 5.. That’s right 5. For the last test we were to have only read to chapter 3. So what was he doing putting chapter 5 material on there?? I was very annoyed. Though since I got it right. Why complain?

I didn’t quite realize tell this week how far we are in the semester already. It’s really going along quickly in the big scheme of things. My group for MGMT 414 met on Sunday night, and we talked a lot. Joked a lot and were off topic far more then we should have been. But I think that we got a lot going. Tonight they had a meeting which I was unable to attend. They apparetnly got all our questions answered because they caught the professor before tomorrow, so that was good. They also got an introduction written. So that’s even better.

Also got started on my MGMT 370 paper. Due Nov 11th. I have 3 pages done, it only has to be 5 pages. And I’m not even half way through it all. I’m going to have Andrew proof it for me, and perhap someone else. I dunno. I think I’ll have to drop the second book from it, even though I don’t want too. They were both such good books. Maybe I’ll just write two papers.

Tomorrow night I have a meeting with my MIS 435 group. We’re going to get started on that paper. I really just need someone to write me an intro for it. Then I can do the rest. It’s all up here… ::points to head:: It’ll be a quick and easy one to get out. So that’s exciting. Hopefully we won’t have to meet to many times. Though I do enjoy meeting with them. They are the funniest and it does include the hottest boy I have a group with.

But the Gay Army guy in my MGMT 414 group comes close… Ok, and he’s not gay.

Finances for next month are going to be tight and I have a feeling I’ll be dipping into saving some more. I dunno how I got by on $10 an hour. You’d think that with $12 an hour, I’d be saving tons more, AND also since Andrew’s gone and I’m not eating out, and doing other things that include money with him. I would have lots more to save. But it all seems to be dissapearing on food and other useless things like that. I need to cut more somewhere. I have to save. I’ve been going in after classes to work from 5:30-7 as well as my normal hours. So I think that’ll help some. I’m kinda worried about him coming back. It’ll cost me at least $100 that weekend. To drive there and back. I really want him to come. But I just don’t know if I’ll be able to afford it. I hope that my books get good resale value.

I also really need my mother to reimburse me for those books that I bought a long time ago. I called her last week and she said she’d put the money in my account that week. It’s still not there.

I really just need to come into a large sum of money somewhere. I hope that I get tons of money for graduation. And also tons for christmas and b-day. That’s all I really want from family. Money, money and more money. It’s sad though. Maybe I should try my luck at the slots.

Speaking of. I really dislike my Translog 360 prof. He’s very conservitave and yet does lots of things that I consider very un-ethical. Perhaps it’s just my supurb ethics…. Everyone else seems to laugh at him.

Well, I’m going to go call Andrew now before Gmore Girls start for him. I don’t want to interupt him and his girlfriends.

Laters all!!

Don’t Know What To Do…

So I’m a little bit upset right now. Not mad upset, but upset… Scared.

Andrew’s been getting mad at me for a lot of little things lately. And I don’t know what’s causing it. He won’t talk to me about it. The other day he got mad at me because he said online that he was sad. And I didn’t call him. Now, I can kind of understand. I mean, yeah it would have been nice of me to call him.

But in the other hand, I’m sad too. And I cry a lot because he’s not here, and I worry a lot about if he’s coming here or not, and lots of other things.

I mean like last night I was up all night, literally all night. Just thinking about how sweet he is because he flew all the way here. I laid in bed, crying and thinking about it. I couldn’t sleep, because everytime I rolled over, I just wanted him there. When I realized he wasn’t, I cried some more.

Well anyways, tonight upset me. I got back online, to talk to him this evening and asked him about the meeting thing that he had. Tried talking to him about it, and he was just short with me about it. And everything else. It was just fairly annoying. Then he went off to supper and came back. Left me a message that just said “Crazy”.

So when I get back I played around with him. Just as I would have any other time. And apparently he got really annoyed with it. And from then on he was just really short with me about everything.

And I kept trying to talk to him and stuff, and he was short. Then he tells me that I frustrate him, which just hurt me, and it was downhill from there.

It was all just very upsetting because all I did was try and talk to him about how his day was and joke around with him some. I just don’t understand how he could get so annoyed with me about such a little thing.

I’m just scared as to what’s happening. I mean I don’t think anything bad is happening. I feel as though we’re both happy… Well as happy as we can be together when we’re half way across the country from each other.

I just wish he would talk to me about what’s going on. And more importantly, I wish there were something MORE that I could do then just say, “It’s going to be alright”. But there’s really nothing that I can do from clear out here. And that’s the most annoying thing of all.

Another thing that I’ve been meaning to write an update about is that the other day he talked about living together next year, and asked me how I would feel. I was very uncomfortable with the converstaion. Because it was too much like Adam and I. And I just wasn’t ready to talk about it. He got a bit annoyed with me when I tried to change the subject. But I think I explained to him enough that I didn’t currently know how I would feel.

It’ll be good to have him here over Christmas to live together and see how that goes. I am looking forward to that. As well as hopefully the summer. That will also be exciting. Though I am a bit scared that we may get on each others nerves a bit much. So we’ll have to plan some time each week alone. But it’ll be a good summer, and i’m really looking forward to it and christmas break.

What I’m looking forward to most though is if he’s going to come out over Nov 14th or not. I’d really like to know now, or as soon as he figures it out himself. But he wants to wait and tell me. So at least kinda surprise me. We’ll see how well that works out.

Anyways. The point is that I wish he would talk to me about what’s annoying him so much lately. And why he keeps getting mad at me. It really hurts when he does. And it just makes me sad. :'(

I miss you baby drew bear. And Love you lots,

Topher Man.

Addicting

Sim City 4 is way addicting! I’ve been playing it a lot this weekend. Very fun! I can’t wait to get the Rush Hour pack. You get to drive around the city… And I understand that it’s way better graphics and stuff then the Rush Hour pack they had with Sim City 3000, or was it 2000 that that came out for. I can’t remember. So far it’s the ONLY Sim game I don’t own… How sad is that. 🙁

It appears that no one is going to buy my e-bay stuff. Very sad as well. Damnit. I really want to sell that shit too. Grrrr. Perhaps I can take the dump truck thing to an antique dealer and sell it to them, or something. Anyone know where I can sell antiques??

Other then that, not much really going on in my life… I should have been working on projects all weekend, but I didn’t feel like it. So far I’ve barely even put on a shirt… Except to go work out.

And that’s a good thing. I’m finally starting to be happy enough with the way that I look I can go around the house shirtless. It’s way excting for me. So don’t look at me like that. 😛

I got Mandrake 9.2 installed at work through an ftp install, it took a couple days. But it was WAY worth it. They’ve really done a lot in 9.2. Plus it has OO1.1 Which is was exciting because it loads like a million times faster! Only problem I’ve been having is that none of the FTP’s have ALL the packages yet. So I have to kinda search like 3 or 4 FTPs before I could solve all the dependencies. Though they had all the basic stuff for the system. So it’s just extra stuff that I couldn’t get.

In other good news… We’re HALF WAY THROUGH THE SEMESTER NOW!!!! How exciting is that!

Now if only I could say we’re half way through tell I get to see Andrew again. But there’s still like 10 weeks tell then… Unless everyone starts donating more!!! ::whines and begs:: please!

Talked to Jed a lot last night. That was fun. I guess we kinda have a date… but it’s not REALLY a date becayse well… Obviously I’m not looking for anyone. But it’s date like. Cause we’re going to go to dinner and a movie. And he offered to pay for dinner. but I’m not going to take him up on that. 😛 then it’d be way too date like. lol

I’m excited to see him again though. It’ll be fun to chatch up and try and figure out who else on camp staff was family. Good times will ensue I’m sure.

Today I have a date with the Fam. I’m sure that’ll be fun. The aunt wants to see pics from the vacation. But they have lots of me and Andrew pics. So I’ll hvae to show them when G-ma isn’t there. I dunno when that’ll be. I think I’ll leave like 30 minutes early to show her… Cause that’s about how long it takes to go through the pics…

Scary that I know that, isn’t it??

Tonight after the food I have a group meeting with my group from MGMT 414… I’m not looking forward to that mostly because two of my group members really annoy me. An ROTC boy, who I think is gay. And this girl. Who is just very annoying.

Forrest and Ian are both cool though, so that’s good.

I need to get together with my MIS 435 group and really get started on that paper. I wish I could type while I was riding the bike at the rec. Cause that’d be very helpful. Or I wish that the book holders were larger so they could hold actual class books.

I’ve been reading my PolSci book though at the rec. And I’ve found that it’s a good place to read it. It’s easy, but boring reading. But yet it seems to make the 30 minutes on the bike just fly by. So that’s good. And I usually burn 250 calories. So that’s exciting. I’d probably only burn like 40.5 calories if I just sat and read it. lol.

Opps. Some how while I’ve been writing this, my city started loosing money and is now -14,000 in the hole and loosing 17,000 every month! It’s very hard to make money in Sim City 4, that’s the only thing I really don’t like about it. Well that and the way that it lays out the zones. I liked 2000/3000 better for that. Because you could just lay roads every 6 tiles. Here, there’s different spacing for each type of zone, and it tries to lay roads for you and it’s just very annoying.

Well I think I’ve filled way more then I possibly should have… Which means that most of the previous was just a lot of babble.

so I’m out.

Laters all!