So I’m not entirely what to say in this private update.

The making out thing. I understand where Chris is coming from. Because sometimes I want to make out with other people too. And I know that I have made out with several other people before, but now it’s different. It’s like.. I just want to. Since I’m in college and stuff. Plus, Casey keeps getting right on top of me, and puts his face practically in mine, and it just tempts me b/c he’s cute. Kinda how Justin tempts Chris.

But yeah.. I think it would be ok if he wanted to make out with someone else. And the reason I think it’s ok is b/c I can totally understand where he’s coming from. I sometimes want to make out with other people too. Specially since him and I cannot make out at this point. But if we did, of course I would want us to change our relationship status to “open”, b/c if we didn’t, that would mean we were cheating on each other and that isn’t good of course. But I just don’t know how to feel about it all. I would rather us do it and not tell each other, but he would rather we did. I think telling each other would make us jealous and stuff. Specially if he was hooking up more than I was and vise versa. And I really want him to top as well. I obviously want to stick to my guns and not give it up that easily, but I do feel bad that he doesn’t get to. B/c I know he really likes to, and it makes me sad that he can’t. So I guess he could do it to someone else and that would be ok. Though ideally it would be in a 3 some setting, with me, that just isn’t possible at the moment. So I want him to satisfy his desires and just do it.

On another hand, I’m very proud of him for going out this weekend. I know that going out was much better that him sitting alone in his apartment and contemplating the fact that i’m gone. So yay for my honeypies.

And speaking of that, I feel bad sometimes, like I’m not missing him enough. I miss him, of course, but not to the extent that I think I won’t make it through the next day. Like tonight, when he was upset that we hadn’t been talking. Well, I feel like we have been talking a good enough time. The other days ont he phone, we hardly had anything to talk about it felt like. Maybe I’m just making this all up. But I still feel bad about feeling like I don’t miss him enough. I don’t really know. Like I really miss him, but I think I will make it through the 60 days just fine, probably without any tears. And that makes me feel bad.

That’s about it I think. As more happens, and as I can figure out more stuff, I’ll write more.

I’m cold too, just FYI.

Stalling

So I have this paper due on Wed… About a book on the Conservation and Efficiency of Land and Water Conservation from the 1880’s – 1910. Anyways, the book is UBER boring, I’ve skipped about 100 pages in it, and I’ve done everything I can to stall and not have to write it. But here it is, I think really time to get my ass going on it.

You know, I’ve even so much as filed my taxes already, updated my website (doing now), run background checks on Justin, through Jackson, got groceries, cooked supper, and called Andrew and talked to him for a few minutes.

Anyways, I haven’t done this in a while…
Jobs Applied: 98; Rejected: ~10; Interviews: 1

Oh, and there’s a SHIT LOAD of snow outside, I wish I had someone to go frolic with out side!

Latersall.

Proud Of Me

So I’m pretty proud of myself for going out this last weekend… I mean going out with someone who I’ve never met before is usually totally out of who I am. It’s really not something that I would ever do. I plus, as Andrew said last night, me hugging people who I’ve never met before is really not me. I think that I’ve come along ways over the last 8 months to a year, and I think that I have Andrew to thank for most of that. I really think that he’s helped my self-esteam quite a bit and he’s helped me to really get out there and do some crazy shit.

Well, as crazy as shit gets in my life. I’m so happy right now in life though, I’ve got a great boyfriend, who I just lived with wonderfully for a whole month. Which if you ask me is a HUGE accomplishment all in itself. I really am very happy in our relationship. Even though we are so far apart, I think that it makes me realize how wonderful he is.

Everytime he comes back, it’s like rediscovering why I love him so much, why we put up with so much over the time that we’re apart, to stay together. And not take the easy way out of… Just taking a break.

Being away from him has made me stronger and more sure of myself, it’s made me happier in our relationship and helped me to realize that I can get through some really tough things. This semester though is going to be our greatest challenge of them all so far though. With the longest stretch of being away from each other we’ve yet to have. More then 60 days. But if we can make it, I have strong hopes that that means we can make it through so much more.

I’m a little scared though as to what will happen when he goes to study abroad. I know it’s only time before that happens, and I hope that we can work things out to make the best of it.

I’m happy in my life now, and it’s getting even better gradually. My social life is expanding for the first time in years, into friends who I’ve made on my own for once, instead of just hanging out with my bf and his friends. I’ve got people that I know want to make out with me, or get with me, and I get to tease them because I’m taken. And knowing that people find me that attractive is just such a great thing for me. Now I just have to keep with my promise to myself to have visible pecs by the time I go to Mexico. 😀

I really miss my baby really badly, and I wish that he could have been here for this last weekend. He would have been so proud of me, I think. Because of the things that I went out and did. 🙂

I love you Drew Bear!! ::hugs::

A Little Horny

Ok, well I guess so sum everything up that this post is going to say, is that I’m a little horny right now, and really want Andrew to come back so satisfy things. I think the thing that’s really causing it is that we never really got a really good time to make love while he was here, another thing is that going from being able to do something pretty much whenever we wanted to, and being able to kiss/makeout every day, to nothing is really hard.

I think another thing that’s also adding to it, is that recently I’ve really been wanting to expand my list of people who I’ve made out with/done stuff with. I dunno what’s really brought this on, but everytime I hear of Andrew’s past experiences, of even think about them, it makes me mad. Not at him for having those, or doing them, but because I never really got the chance to do anything like that. And the last couple days with him being gone, and having people hit on me, it’s been like. I want to make out with you.

But the biggest thing that I wanted to write about, is how horrible I feel for even HAVING these feelings. I have a WONDERFUL boyfriend, who is so cute, and so wonderful. And just such a great guy that I feel so horrible about having feelings of wanting to make out with/do things with someone else.

We talked about it the other day, and Andrew says that he understands, and has said that it’d “be alright” if I made out with someone else. And that makes me feel really bad that he’d say that. I don’t really know why it makes me feel bad, well. I guess it does because in the first place, I should never have to talk to him about that. But secondly, I feel as though there may be other motives that he’s wanting here.

I feel as though him giving me “permission”, I would have to give him the same permission. Which would thus cause jealousy and so many other problems. Like on one level, I kinda want an open relationship, since we are so far apart and stuff. And this isn’t a new feeling, but even more so is that even if we DID have an open relationship, that would cause HUGE amounts of problems. And my moralness I wouldn’t be able to do stuff with anyone even if we did have an open relationship, because I would still feel like I would be cheating on him.

Another thing has been that I’ve been feeling really… I dunno… Just I’ve really wanted to top lately, and I think that’s one reason why I didn’t really let Andrew top me much when he was here. Because I REALLY want to do that again. And I’d like to make love to him and have that chance to give him those pleasures, but I totally understand why he doesn’t want to give that up yet, and it really makes me respect him a lot more. It makes it so much easier to “forget” all those random hook-ups he’s had because of the fact that he’s so adamant about keeping his virginity for that one person who he’s going to spend the rest of his life with.

But all at the same time, I also want to be able to do that. I guess it’s why I had really wanted to do a 3-some when he was here. But again, I didn’t because we had such a short time together, that I didn’t want the possiblity of any drama with that. Like there was with me and Adam when we did threesomes. So much drama there!

And also, I really enjoy them, so I think that who ever I do spend my life with will have to get used to them, and enjoy them just as I do. Because I think those are something that will be a part of my life for a while.

I guess in short, I want something that I can’t have, but I don’t really want it in the first place, and I feel bad about wanting something that I don’t really want.

So I hope that this isn’t really bad for anyone who reads it, and I hope you (Andrew) don’t take anything wrong. If you do, please call me! I love you so much, this is a just a memory dump…

TXT Messaging

So, after the first txt message from Justin last night, we corrosponded for a couple hours and he convinced me to go to the Redlight. I left home about 11:30 or so, and was going to go to JJ’s and sit and have a coffee and read tell 1:30, when I was supposed to meet him. But Apparently JJ’s closes at midnight, so I got there just in time to get a drink and then they made me leave. So that was sad.

I didn’t have any underwear on, because it was all in the washing machine. So I drove back to Ankeny to put buy some and put it on. Spent some time wondering though Wal-Mart and bought a pair of cute ass underwear. Went to the bathroom and while I was putting it on, Justin called me. It was very amusing because there I was naked in the bathroom trying to put on underwear and talking on my cell phone. lol. Good thing no one came in!! We talked for a bit and then I headed back downtown. I got there about 1:15 or so, and just waited infront of Redlight tell Justin and some other Ankeny boy came… I think his name was Ethan, or something. He was really cute too. Apparently an Art Major at DMACC, or something like that.

Once we got there, everyone else started getting beers and the like from other people that had brought some stuff. Then Justin and some other hot boy took their shirts off. It was kinda nasty there because there were some REALLY nasty guys with out any shirts on and shit and we saw this leather guy that was at the Saddle the other night there too. lol. Jackson was there too, and he was funny. Pretty much the whole night was spent standing around making fun of the drunk people, getting hit on, and watching hot boys dance. There was porn playing on the TV’s, thankfully no one had sex, at least not untell after I left… lol.

I left there about 3:30 cause I was dead tired, but I had a really great time there. I think it would have been TONS of fun for Andrew and I to go while he was here. I really wish he were coming back before Summer so that we could go sooner.

I deffinitaily thing that I’ll go back sometime, though probably not for a while, I really can’t afford to go there too often, considering it costs $10 each time to get in… Perhaps I’ll resort to bj’s or something. lol.

I also didn’t get the lapdance that I was promised. 🙁

After I left there I drove home and went to bed. I didn’t sleep too well, but I did sleep tell like 11 or something when I heard my phone ringing. It was Andrew and we talked for a while, like an hour or so. Then I had to break because it was really starting to snow pretty bad and I wanted to get back to Ames, before I was stuck in PC. So I drove back here and have been here since like 1:20 or so. I’ve been trying to read this book about Water and Land conservation from the 1880’s-1920’s, but it’s so BORING and dry and horrible. And I REALLY don’t know how I’m going to write a 1600 word paper about it. Grrr at that. I’ve been trying to find some notes on the book online, but pretty much all I can find are assignments to READ the book.

It’s snowing right now, and it’s really pretty out. I wish I had a fire place and some milk, so I can make hot chocolate and sit infront of a warm fire. It’s SO cold in here!

Anyways… I’ve had a REALLY good weekend, I’m glad that I’ve gone out both nights. Perhaps I’ll have to do it again next weekend. But I do have to go to the G&G’s house next saturday, so we’ll have to see what’s happening.

I can’t wait tell V-day weekend though. It’s the Big gay Conference here at ISU, and I get to help out at it! 🙂

Well, I’m out to write a private update.

Laters all.